Total Mess!

[mr.gerbick]

I dated my girlfriend for 6 years and we decided to call it quits. The last year was really bad with us, because I couldn't give her time because i was in school, working, and doing side projects trying to get myself established, but for us. I really had an outlook on the future for us, not just me. She was constantly on my case about when we did have time together that I never wanted to go out and be social with her. My response was that we had so little time together that I wanted to spend it it with her, not her and her friends. She had her friends around all the time anyway. Out of frustration of a years worth of being on my case about it, we decided to part. Up until this point there was never a relationship threatening issue. She said I changed, but all I felt I was doing was taking care of business for our future, I mean I am 26 now and it is about time I started to settle down to get a career going and everything. We had enough socializing and partying the first 5 years of the relationship. I tried to explain all this to her, but she didn't understand. She said she felt unloved, she needed attention.

 

So after about 6 months of not being together, which I wasn't having too many problems coping with it, she started emailing me with messages like i miss you, i'm thinking about you. At the time I was having some work issues so started telling her about them, because she is really the only person I talked to about issues after 6 years. I just needed to vent to someone. So we went out to dinner, i did my venting, and the casual conversation started. So me, like an idiot, decided to ask casually if she had slept with anyone, because I assumed the answer would automatically be no, but it wasn't. She tried to lie about it at first, but I know her all too well. So she finally fessed up to it. I did not take that too well, because I am a firm believer that sex is something special between two people, and I don't take it lightly, which I thought we were on the same page, but apparently not. I was heartbroken. It was with some guy she barely knew and says it was a mistake and would never do it again. But having the imagary in my mind of someone I love with someone else is unbearable.

 

This all happened 3 weeks ago and my inital reaction was that we just both need to go our seperate ways, but for some reason, the day after i found out I just clung to her about it. I believe one of the reasons is the same reason I needed to vent to her about work, she is really the only person I confided in for so long. I have been contacting her ever since, wether it be phone calls, email, or text messages. She said she will be there for me if I need her, but after 3 weeks of the same round and round conversation every single day she is getting fed up, and I am also fed up with myself about it. I haven't been able to move on since I found out, I am just stuck! I haven't been sleeping right, I am barely eating, I am really screwing up in school and quit my job, mainly for the reasons I needed to vent, but that just gives me more time to wallow. The pain does not seem to be diminshing, the anxiety is at an all-time high. The imagary is constantly on my mind, I can't even watch a movie where people are getting intimate, I have to change the channel because I get so disgusted. I actually started counseling at school, because it's free. I have had 2 sessions already, but they gave me an intern, so I don't know if he will be able to help, it hasn't helped much yet. I am just so tired of being so pathetic over this, and clingy to her about it. I just spoke with her tonight and she said this needs to stop, it is just pushing her farther away from me. I want it to stop, but after 6 years everything reminds me of her. The movies we watched, or the fact I am watching a movie alone, the smell of spring, when I see couples together, pretty much wherever i go. I haven't cried since I was 12 years old, now it is like I sprung a leak. I just don't know what to do anymore. During the six months I believe I was able to cope with it so well is because in the back of my mind I agreed to the break up out of frustration, but in the back of my mind it was like I was saying "let me use this time to do what I need to do goal-wise and she will see."

 

I know this is lengthy, but this is just the gist of it, there are a lot of other details, so I will try to address specific thing if needed. I just overall want to be able to move on.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

 

I applaud you for wanting to build up your education and career. You are 26 and planning for your future... which shows that you are mature, with a good head on your shoulders.

 

Now, I don't understand why you want to get back with your ex. You guys did break up for 6 months - for GOOD reasons. She was not on the same level as you were and appearantly you were no longer compatible with each other. So why would you want to get back with her?

 

Forget about her sleeping with someone else. The biggest question that you need to ask yourself is: why are you so obsessed with her now? you said that the 6 months of separation was not hard on you... why should it be difficult for you to separate permanently?

 

I am not a guy so I wouldn't know what kind of images are playing in your head. But from where i'm standing, you don't have reason to be angry at her for sleeping with someone else when you were officially "over".

[mr.gerbick]

Thanks for the compliment.

 

The break up was long and drawn out. Like 7 nights of long conversation. It pretty much started when I was fired from my boring office job that I hated anyways. She felt unstable because I was unemployed for 9 months, so then I went back to school, and got another job, and started doing side projects to start building my portfolio, because I found my passion and wanted to follow it, but for OUR future. Then I didn't have enough time for her, so it was a catch 22, which made me frustrated.

 

During the 6 month seperation we were still intimate, but she was seeing other people with limits, which just got to me and I couldn't do it anymore. So it was really like a 4 month seperation. My frame of mind at the time was that I was pretty much going to stand on the sidelines until I got done what I needed to get done, and I assumed we would get back together after that. I never really wanted to let go. I think during the 6 months that is what I was holding onto and that is why I was able to cope.

 

So basically, because I felt that everything that I was trying to build was for us, it seems worthless now, because I don't have her to share it with. She was a huge part of my life and my motivation now I feel empty.

 

Logically yes, I have no right to be mad that she slept with another person, it was over. Right now, emotions are overriding that logic, it is really hard to accept or move past.

 

I am not sure about the obsession. She keeps giving indications that there may be hope for the future if I can get past the her sleeping with someone thing, she says that she can't imagine me not being in her future one way or another, but we are past trying to be friends, that could never happen. So I am not sure, I want to know that answer too.

[mr.gerbick]

Can someone please help with this? I haven't received a reply in days....this feeling is unbearable right now. Any advise would be appreaciated.

[KittenMoon]

Hi- I don;t know what advice to give but your description of your relationship was so eerily similar to mine you could have been my ex.

 

If you were like us, it's not that you weren't compatible, it was that life really got in the way.

 

I feel for your sickness about her sleeping with someone else- I will feel the same way one day soon probably, as soon as I find out he's dating someone else.

 

But someone said here once something that really made me thing- it was like "after 40 good years, what will a bad year mean, or even a few?"

 

If you WANT her and she wants you and you're both willing to work all this out, which will probably involve lots of pain, tears and therapy alone and as a couple, go for it. But only if you think you can run a gauntlet and come out the other side.

[shelters]

I am not sure about the obsession. She keeps giving indications that there may be hope for the future if I can get past the her sleeping with someone thing, she says that she can't imagine me not being in her future one way or another, but we are past trying to be friends, that could never happen. So I am not sure, I want to know that answer too.

 

 

If I'm reading this clearly it sounds like the ball is in your court? Yes? If so, *can* you put the past in the past, including her sleeping with someone else?

[mr.gerbick]

I don't think the ball is my court. She says she needs time to breathe. Especially since I clung to her about it after I found out the bad news. Who knows how long that is. When we described the current situation to each other we used the analogy of us being two people on two seperate islands and we both just need to jump in the water and see if the waves brings us closer to each other or further apart. Right now, I feel like I haven't even jumped in yet. It is like I put my foot in the water and it is too cold for me or something. The current situation is what it is, and she said there is no way we can even try to get back together until I get better. She wants me to back off because she said she is not equipped to deal with my issues, because she is the one who caused them. I know I need to back off and heal by myself, but sometimes the anxiety level is so high, that I need to contact her just to take it away for an hour or so. I am sure that that is just pushing me back too.

 

I honestly do not know if I can look past what she did, because it hurts sooo much right now. I don't know if I want to be back with her out of love or fear to be totally honest. Fear of being alone, for fear of being lost. I am not sure.

[KittenMoon]

Your exgf had every right to do what she did, even though I know it hurts so much. Check out my quote below about monogamy. People are programmed to want to sleep with many partners while at the same time not wanting their partners to sleep with others. It's purely genetic. That being said, it doesn't help the pain in the slightest to realize this.

 

I think you should continue to seek therapy about this situation. I think if you keep talking about it, keep confronting it, and yes, keep imagining it in your head, you may be able to dull it down to a point where it doesn't matter as much as it did, and then you can make a rational decision about whether you want to try to work it out with her.

[mr.gerbick]

I know she had every right technically. I am not the type of person who can just go and do that with anyone, and I didn't think she was either. She says she regrets it and still cares about me and loves me, but I think it is just guilt that makes her say that.

[KittenMoon]

I would recommend not talking about the sexual encounter w/ her anymore. Leave it out entirely until you can either deal with it or come the to absolute decision that you cannot. Save it for therapy.

 

As for her, she may very well be saying things out of guilt. That's why I suggest removing the sex from the situation, and see how she treats you and talks to you when that's been removed from the forefront.

[mr.gerbick]

The thing is that she feels that she can't deal with me right now, she can't express what she is feeling because she says I haven't given her time to breathe. She wants me to back off until I fix myself. So it is like a NC thing right now. Which is killing me inside. But I don't want to fall under the label of harrassment. She says we just keep going round and round about the same things, and that we just need to let it go for now. I am trying real hard, I am in counseling, I talk to friends and family about it, but it still just keeps building and building. I just don't think that I have the coping abilities most people have.

[KittenMoon]

If you have a counselor, friends, and family you've got what you need to cope. Keep NC if that is her wish. RESPECT that, not matter what, until you really feel clear headed and rational. Even at that point, wait a while until you are MORE clearheaded and rational.

 

Let yourself feel everything, no matter how sad and painful. I'm happy just not to be collapsing on the floor sobbing anymore. It's bad, then worse, then even worse, and then you get a little better, by inches, practically by millimeters.

[mr.gerbick]

When it first happened I couldn't even get out of my bed. I haven't cried since I was like 12 and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. One of the biggest problems is that I still live with my sister and my sister hangs out with her. So she is always on the phone saying her name wether it be directly to her or other mutual friends of theirs. I asked my sister to be a little sympathtic and reframe from doing so. Her response was "I'm not going to stop my life because you're a little heartbroken!" I just feel so alone with this. I haven't been able to function normally, I am still having trouble eating, sleeping and focusing on anything but this. The couseling only being once a week seems too long of a span to deal with this myself. I am so anxious, i don't know about what, but that is how I feel hurt and anxious. It's really weird. That is why I am quick to call or email her, it is out of me being anxious, at least I think.

[KittenMoon]

That was pretty cruel of your sister to say, admittedly. Maybe you should speak to her about how really hurt you are by her actions and words (unless you think she'll blow up about it which might be the case considering what she said and its coldness).

 

Get out of the house. It's spring. Even if you just find a quiet place to go cry, go out.

[mr.gerbick]

I've tried to talk to her about it. It don't work.

 

I am telling you, I have to have the worst luck in the world. I tried to take a walk one time when my sister was on the phone with her and I almost got beat up by 5 drunk guys. I am not even kidding. Plus I had those issues with work and quit, so now I have no money to do anything. I am just pathetic, no matter what I try to do to start moving forward just ends up being another thing added to the weight I am already carrying.

[KittenMoon]

Dedicate yourself to finding a new job then, if only to occupy your mind.

[mr.gerbick]

Believe me, I am trying. It is just really hard, because I am a web designer, so I am constantly on the computer...and email or texting is just so easily accesible. It is really hard to force myself to deal with an interview right now also, because my confidence level is really low from all of this. I am trying to force myself, I guess I just need to push myself a little harder.

 

I just also want you to know, that I appreciate all of your replies. You are like the only person who is consistant in hearing me out. Thank you.

[KittenMoon]

I do some web design too, mostly graphic design, so I understand the computer hang-up. There are many days I am glad my ex is "off the grid" (barely emails, texts, no website, no myspace, etc etc).

 

When you get the urge to email or something, just DO NOT DO IT and post on LS instead.

[mr.gerbick]

same for me, I am more interested in graphic design and type, it is just that web design is paying better right now. but yeah, she is not too computer savvy, she just has email at work, full-time job. No myspace, website or nothing that, but my sister has myspace and actually pointed out the guy she slept with, because he is on her friends list. I am telling you, she is a real b*tch. But yeah...I don't know why, but I feel like emailing her right now asking her when is it going to get easier?

[KittenMoon]

1) don't email her. Just don't.

 

2) Your sister sounds pretty mean to point that out to you. Is there a particular reason she wants to make you more miserable? She gonna get you measurements of the guy's dick next for you? Geez.

 

3) don't email her.

 

 

It sounds like you REALLY need to get out of that house and be alone for a while. Find a coffee shop. Drop a buck for a cup of coffee and read magazines or just people watch and think. Find a free museum to just wander. anything!

[mr.gerbick]

me and my sister never really got along. I don't know if or why she is trying to make me more miserable. I guess....put it this way...it my ex had a dick my sister would be on it. I am really trying hard not to contact her, I didn't at all yesterday, I sent an email today, but she had a half day so won't get it until tomorrow. It was in regards to me being sad, because I am trying to barter something for a tv on craigs list and someone offered me a one night stay for two in their bed and breakfast for it, which made me sad because I have no one to go with. So I emailed telling her I was sad about this. I think I am a little out of control.

[KittenMoon]

I think I am a little out of control.

 

 

Honestly- I think you are right. You need to get control. Which means you need to stop emailing your ex. Read any thread here.

 

Now: You have something others here do not. You have an ex who WANTS you to work on yourself. Most of our exes couldn't give a damn what we do.

 

So you need to do exactly what she's asked.

 

WORK ON YOUR ISSUES.

 

1) Go to therapy, I think you probably have a few underlying issues other than your ex- your sister is a good example.

 

2) get a job

 

3)stop talking to your ex until you are thinking rationally. Trust me, most people here have been hysterically mental at one point in their break ups. I still slip ever few days and have an anxiety attack.

 

4) Do something, ANYTHING, different. You say you like graphic design? Go buy some books, pirate some software and start designing something. I'll throw out a few project ideas if you want from my school days.

 

Face your pain, but work around it as well. It's blinding you right now.

[mr.gerbick]

I know that I need to do all of this. I am not sure why I just can't apply them. When I sent her that email earlier, I received an "out of the office today" auto-response. So it forced me directley after that to send her a text that said "Enjoy the weather for me too, I can't!". I think a big part of my clingy issues is that I want her to know how miserable she made me. I am not positive if that is the case, but I am pretty sure. Is that bad?

[KittenMoon]

I know that I need to do all of this. I am not sure why I just can't apply them. When I sent her that email earlier, I received an "out of the office today" auto-response. So it forced me directley after that to send her a text that said "Enjoy the weather for me too, I can't!". I think a big part of my clingy issues is that I want her to know how miserable she made me. I am not positive if that is the case, but I am pretty sure.quote]

 

Is that bad?

 

Yes, yes, and yes again! Everything you just described is going against her wishes! She has asked you to leave her be, and that's exactly what you are NOT doing. She has asked you to work on your issues, and you're so hung up on trying to keep her attention that's exactly what you are NOT doing. You want her to know how miserable you are, but you absolutely need to know this: No one wants to be with someone who is clingy and miserable all the time. No one. No exceptions. The more you contact her the more she's going to see you are weak and pathetic and that will only drive her away permanently. In the end, no one cares about how miserable they've made someone because that misery only makes them less attractive than they were before.

 

You need to stop contacting her and get your life together.

[mr.gerbick]

I do see your point. I know this is not good. but one of the things that I am ultimatley afraid of is that once I get past this that I may not want to get back with her. I may build the type of heartless mentality to say I had to go through this alone, so now I don't want to be with you, out of spite, if it ever comes to that...I am not sure. I mean, most of the time I love her, because she was my life, but some of the times I hate her for what she did. I know I look pathetic right now, but I do not want to be the guy sitting around waiting for her to decide what she wants, that looks pathetic also. Healing for her instead of myself. She did what she did, I have to go through this, why should everything work out her way?? << this is what goes on in my head at times. It's like whatever happens or whatever I do in this situation...I get the short end of the stick. I guess I just need to start thinking of myself and not "us" anymore. If it makes me heartless it makes me heartless, I just hate the fact that I may be jaded by this for a long time.