feeling drained and anxious

[pandnh4]

ok, so today i'm really feeling the symptoms of withdrawal... she's been on my mind all day and although i've resisted checking up on her, it's been painfully hard... i've avoided myspace alltogether again today; man, that thing is so addictive and you don't even realize how routine it is to log in until you really have to avoid it... lol

earlier i felt desperate and anxious and almost caved but held my ground in the end... i read over a list i wrote yesterday about what i did and didn't like about my ex; this was an exercise my therapist recommended several months after my previous breakup last year... there were a bunch of positive things about her; in the end, of course, the negative outweighed the positive but i really feel like i dug deep to find alot of bad things about her...

i also read over something i wrote about a fight we had back in mid-january; i felt guilty about alot of things i said and did, especially cause she was trying to be sweet, but the moment i mentioned something that was bothering me she became all vicious and spiteful... maybe i did add some drama to the relationship by opening my mouth sometimes but it's just because she often never followed through with alot of things that she talked about or that i requested...

anyway, just wanted to vent a little... it's been a very slow day at work and since i sit at a computer it's really tempting to just log on to myspace... didn't feel hungry until pretty late in the afternoon and really had to force-feed myself but i had a good lunch nonetheless...

wow, 16 days since the breakup and nc (if we disregard indirectly breaking nc online; otherwise it's only 2 days)... sometimes i wish that she would just call me to check up on me or say i miss you, even just hi, how's it going? i wish she wanted me back, regardless of what i would do, just so i feel more power and control... as time progresses though i begin to see the futility of it all and it just hurts more... why am i still in denial and unable to bury this whole nightmare?

[hurtbeyondwords]

it's because you are a good person. only a good person would not be able to let go of something that meant a lot to them. Anyone that can walk away from a relationship feeling nothing never experienced love. I am right there with you. It's been almost 3 weeks NC for me and I still have my down times. Know that this will make you stronger and a much better person for the next person that captures your heart.

[pandnh4]

thanx for the kind words, it means alot to me...

she did send me a text message on my birthday, however, which was almost a couple of weeks ago and four days after the breakup... i guess this was before she realized that i had completely changed my myspace profile (single status, removed pics of us, deleted all comments of hers) and she did the same later on that same day, although she did keep a pic of us up for several more days, until valentine's day...

so i guess she did make an effort to make contact with me but it was seriously so half-a$$ed, imho... i mean, come on, a text that says: *wishing you a happy birthday*... after breaking my heart, no less, the second time in 2 weeks!!! and she used to always complain about people who would just send messages or comments and were too lazy or distant to even make a phone call... it really upset me thinking about that...

needless to say, it's been a rough time of the year for me... sometimes i wonder if not responding to her message and making changes online maybe created so much distance between us that now she just doesn't care anymore... maybe that was the point of no return in her mind... it's really disappointing...

[hurtbeyondwords]

I would not beat youself up about anything. You should have no regrets in life. Cali guy said something to me that helped: No matter what you do if she wants you back then neither hell or high water will stop her.

 

If you are meant to be then it will happen. Look back at everything that ever happened. They happened for a reason and so did this. Continue with your life and enjoy what you have. one thing I like to live by is: "Search for what you have, not what you've lost" You have so much, the rest will fall into place. Remember that and keep your head up.

[pandnh4]

i know, it's just that i don't really think of myself as a determinist/fatalist... maybe things can be blessings in disguise but i'm not really sure how i feel about things happening for a reason... while i would like to believe in karma, that too is a concept that is difficult to accept; i feel more like when someone is good, they feel good about themselves such that they can appreciate things more and it seems like good things come right back at them... the converse would apply to bad people/actions...

the problem is that i do have regrets and i read alot into people's words and actions... people say, well she probably never even loved you fully to begin with... but then it's upsetting to think, why not, what's wrong with me that she couldn't love me?

i realize more and more that there were deep-rooted issues with her personality: like how she would often blame other people for everything, including her harsh actions, words, and thoughts; her impatience with others people and things and how she would lose interest in things; her lack of appreciation and compassion towards others... also i think these are characteristics of someone who would make a terrible mother, and although the relationship was only 8 months pretty much and it would be premature to think that far ahead, i did at times have hope for a future with her... our overall goals and desires were similar (wanting success, money, property, kids,etc...) but i guess maybe our visions and actual manifestations of these things were off...