How long will the pain last??

[Jools]

I know its different for everyone and depends on the situation but I’m trying to work out how long until the way I feel starts to settle down? I’m not expecting to just suddenly feel all better at the end of the 3rd month or anything but because this is the first time I’ve really felt this strongly about someone, it’s hurting in an all new and more powerful way.

 

The very short version of my situation is that I’m in love with someone (my best mate infact) who has feelings for me aswell, but she’s already seeing someone (so it’s not the typical break-up situation as we haven’t broken up from anything). NC isn’t an option, no matter how often I’m told to do it, I just can’t, I would rather continue to feel like this than lose her from my life. I know I’m making things more difficult for myself but i’m not willing to do it.

 

A friend of mine keeps saying, you’ll have about 2 months of feeling like total crap and hoping that you’ll get a chance to be with her, then after that you’ll start to accept the way things are and start recovering, then in time the pain will get less. What are people views on how long it takes for the pain to reduce from a daily torture, filled with anguish and anxiety, to a more manageable thing that means I’ll be able to start functioning a bit better and wont have butterflies in my stomach all day every day etc. I also know things will probably be more drawn out for me as I’m not going down the NC route.

 

Like I say, I know I’ll still be feeling bad and down for a long time to come but what I want to get past is feeling really crappy every single day, waking up in the morning and feeling anxious with butterflies in my stomach that then last till I go to sleep, feeling down and not having the will to do anything.

 

Any thoughts?

[notmakingsense]

Since you have decided to remain in contact, your pain will last much longer than those who have gone NC. It is those constant reminders that cause your brain to dwell on her, thus prolonging the torture.

 

I think you should expect to be in pain for a very, very long time. There are people on these forums that still feel pain for over a year -- even when they are NC!

 

You may stand a chance at reducing the pain sooner if you manage to find another partner or outside interest that replaces your ex's spot in your heart. The catch-22 situation is that many people can't open up their heart until they have gone no-contact.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[Jools]

Yeah i realise the approach i'm taking will only make my pain last longer but i love her, she's really special to me, infact she's the most important thing in my life. If it was an ex it would probably be different, but she's not, if anything she's a hopeful 'future'. I can't blame her for already having a boyfriend can i? It's not like she's left me to be with someone else or anything.

 

I suppose my fate is just to feel s***ty for the foreseeable future.

 

Oh well, i'll raise a pint down the pub later and drink a toast to feeling like crap!

[scobro]

6 months for me. Bangars and mash WITH LOTS OF PINTS!!!!

[UT_longhorn]

6 weeks broken up...3 1/2 weeks NC. still painful. without NC, I wouldn't even be close to where I am. If you continue on your path...you won't feel better. you're only putting yourself through anguish over and over until one day...you're gonna get sick of it and tell her that you cant talk to her.

 

if you want to even start to remotely feel better, i would suggest NC. As a friend I would be honest with her and tell her exactly why.

[Jools]

Cheers for the comments guys, like i say, i know i'm going against the normal advice by not doing NC, but i suppose, the way i feel towards her means that NC would probably actually be more painful for me.

 

Well last night something happened, i recieved a txt that said something that i need to find out more about, previously i've avoided talking about certain things like her bf etc and haven't said anything to her when she's eluded to problems or such. But last night i think was the sraw that broke the camels back, i only got 2 hours sleep as a result and have been up since 3.30. Therefore i've arranged to talk to her later today about some things that i need to discuss with her.

 

I'm not deluding myself that it will change anything, but what i'm hoping for is a better mutual understanding as to where we stand with each other and how we take our friendship forward.