how do you find closure?

[smile95]

I am on week 6 of NC and have been doing ok, not great, but ok. I am finding that since my ex has gone and come about 11 times, in the back of my head, I am hoping/expecting him to return. However, I want closure. How did you all find closure? I need it. We never "broke up". We never do. He just goes away a while. I know we are not together and have not been for many months, but I still am holding onto hope? How do I let go. I feel I am getting to the end of this mess, but that one obstacle I am finding.

 

Any tips of letting go when all his patterns says he will come back? I am holding on to a toxic man. A man that I built up. A man who is not even a friend to me. I am also holding onto memories and I miss him. Anyone find a good way to REALLY let go?

 

thanks

[fooled]

It really hurts when you realize that he/she was never a friend. That they never really cared, no matter how often or how much they said they love you.

 

I'm struggling with this as well. And with the memories.

 

You need to decide it's over. Right now. You know he's not right for you. Do something about it. You don't have to "break up" with him. Just don't let him back into your life. If you must have something - take his leaving this time as your break up. He left. Party's over.

 

Then the real work begins.

[CaliGuy]

Closure is what you make of it. In your case, you're in a revolving door relationship and unless you do something to upset the pattern, it will continue. He knows he can come and go as he pleases because you let him. You take him back every time.

 

What do you want? For him to change? There has to be a reason for him to change and if he knows there will be no more chances given, maybe he will change. My personal feeling is that he won't. Either way you have to stop the merry-go-round.

 

I would sit down and compose an email. Write down your thoughts and basically tell him that this can not continue and that you don't want to see him anymore. That this pattern of leaving and coming back is destructive and you are going to take some time off then focus on finding someone who loves and respects you. I don't know exactly what to say to him but that's my first thought.

 

Don't send it the first night or even the second. Wait at least a week, reading it once a day and reflecting on your true feelings. Don't write it when you are angry or frustrated (or have been drinking). Write it when you feel your best because you want the letter to come from your most confident, happy side (note that doesn't mean you have to be optomistic).

 

The way this relationship is going he knows he can keep you on the hook forever. He can come and go as he pleases and the only thing suffering is your heart. Is this the kind of man you want in your life? This is disrespectful and not condusive to a healthy relationship.

 

To TRULY let go you must tell yourself it's over and mean it. I suggested the letter as one way of convincing your mind that it is over. When you tell him it's over, you must really mean it. Then stick to NO CONTACT. You must accept that you are tired of this behavior and really LET GO. Until you let go completely you can not heal.

 

The goal here is to get out of this relationship and stop putting him a pedestle. He's hardly acting like a man who cares about you if he keeps stringing you along.

 

No matter what, put away the reminders, delete him off your IM programs, remove his number from your phone, hang out with your friends, invest your time in hobbies and go work out.

 

It's hard in the initial stages of NC and the days will seem to drag along until you start telling yourself that you will be fine without him (You will be, trust me.)

 

One of things that is helping me is understanding I was miserable with the Ex because she was so indifferent to me. Without her, and with my vision much more clear, I am actually happier without her. I don't stress over why she isn't returning my love. I know that I deserve better and that whoever she is with now, I just feel sorry for him. She never loved or appreciated me. I remember all the bad things about her and nearly slap myself for putting up with her crap for so long.

 

When you've decided you are tired of feeling badly, that you deserve better (and stick to NC), you'll find yourself healing faster and each day will be brighter.

 

If you're a woman of faith, you might want to spend some time praying. I find it relieves a lot of stress and comforts me when I have those down days.

[whichwayisup]

I am on week 6 of NC and have been doing ok, not great, but ok. I am finding that since my ex has gone and come about 11 times, in the back of my head, I am hoping/expecting him to return. However, I want closure. How did you all find closure? I need it. We never "broke up". We never do. He just goes away a while. I know we are not together and have not been for many months, but I still am holding onto hope? How do I let go. I feel I am getting to the end of this mess, but that one obstacle I am finding.

 

Hey Smile. First of all, congrats on the 6 weeks of NC. You're doing great and keep on doing that. IF you get the urge to call or email, remember HOW wonderful you're doing...And that giving in isn't worth afew mins of feeling a heart thump or his voice...

 

If you know he isn't right for you, why do you want him back? What is it about him that you miss? Do a list. Then start another list that mentions all the bad stuff, how awful he has made you feel and what you don't like about him. Focus on that stuff, because as time goes on the bad stuff just gets worse and if you don't have an even balance or the scales tipped to the good side, the relationship won't last...Or if it does, you're gonna be uhappy.

 

Any tips of letting go when all his patterns says he will come back? I am holding on to a toxic man. A man that I built up. A man who is not even a friend to me. I am also holding onto memories and I miss him. Anyone find a good way to REALLY let go?

 

Make your own closure. Accept your part in things and just know that you were lucky to have met him and gained experience from him. Im sure at some point the relationship was good. Remember that stuff with a smile. From what you say, he's toxic, so remember that too!! Why it had to end. Ofcourse you miss him as he was a part of your life, but he isn't anymore and the only thing that will make that hole in your heart less and less is time. Time does heal all wounds as cliche as that sounds, it's so true.

 

I say, put all the focus on you and pick a day for YOU. Go and have a massage, get a new haircut. Celebrate YOU!

 

Also, spend time with friends and family. The busier you are, the better you will feel, the less you'll think of him and then the less you'll care...The mind can be controlled in the sense of pushing him out of your mind. It's a habit of thinking about him, right? So, when he creeps into your thoughts, PUSH him OUT of your head. Keep doing that and eventually those thoughts won't happen.

 

Hang in there!

[Lonestar]

You'll only be able to really let go when you decide that if he comes back around you will NOT take him back. When you know that for sure, you'll let go of him.

[smile95]

HUGS to everyone who replied...thanks -I needed to hear ALL of that. Cali guy-not sure I want to break NC by writing that...reason being that I have told him in the past that it was over and I took him back. He will not take it seriuosly. This is the longest I have gone and the longest he has gone with NC, so that is why I think this is it this time. I know it sounds messed up, but I wanted to be the one to leave HIM. I almost want him to call so that I can ignore him for once.

 

I do pray..all the time....it helps me some. I sometimes know that the things I pray for, God may not be willing or ready to give me.

 

I get worried that this man I loved for 3.5 yrs will never speak to me again....I say that, but really I am not so sure what I miss? I guess I need to work on my self esteem...when he used to call after we did not talk a while, I felt so loved and now that he is not, I feel pretty crappy.

 

Instead of the letter, I guess I need to make the lists to see whta it is that I miss...maybe I just miss the good times and the way it felt to fall in love. I thought that after 11 times of doing it that he would call one day, but this time feels different. This could be a good thing though. Brekaing the cycle. And cali guy is right....he does it casue i let him.

The one thing I keep fresh in my head is when my Gram died in Nov, he called me 8 hrs after I left 2 messages and then the next week i called casue I needed a friend to talk to and have not heard from him since......that gets me so mad and hurt!

I guess letting go of all he promised me is tough too. he told me a lot that he loved me, hardly showed it. All talk.

 

thanks for letting me vent!

[bendit]

This is not NC. He just hasn't called yet. You'll know you've let go of the target of your addiction when you absolutely DREAD contact with this person. This is after you have changed your number changed your email and sealed ALL the leaks. You aren't there yet and your NC WILL go down the drain when he calls because YOU will answer and talk. You will know you have let go of this person when you do ALL of the above and know that contact is POISON to your system. Until YOU come to this realization you are standing in quicksand. If I sound harsh I aim to be because it's serious bidness. Best of luck. Your luck so far has been fantastic because he has left you alone. But don't count on being lucky forever.

 

regards

[notmakingsense]

The lack of closure thing really bugs me also.

 

I'm in a similar situation in that contact just sort of stopped without any bi-directional acknowledgement that it was over. When she stopped returning my calls, I wrote a break-up note to her. About 2 weeks after that, there was a short phone conversation where she "acknowledged my note, but couldn't talk about it". So, there I was, left in limbo. A few more notes from me pleading with her to end it verbally -- but no real answer....

 

Its now been no-contact for nearly 2 months. And I'm pained. I know why things ended, but it is tearing at me not being able to have that final looking-in-eachother's-eyes conversation. But I think the reason it is really tearing at me is because she is wracked with guilt over something -- probably another man -- which is causing the extended no contact. She's not a heartless person -- for her not to contact me for so long means that she really dreads having to look me in the eye and come clean with the break-up.

 

I should be able to give myself closure. Her lack of compassion towards me regarding us is reason enough to move past the belief that she could be someone I want to be with -- but yet, it isn't. I haven't finished telling myself that I don't want her -- and although I'm doing really well at the no contact thing -- my heart still hurts, and I have this desire to force her to talk to me and express my anger and hurt directly to her! Damn this sucks!

 

Sorry for the venting on YOUR post.... I just want you to know that you aren't alone, and I agree with the other posters -- we need to arrive at closure on our own. If you really stop to think about it, you may arrive at the same conclusion as me, which is -- you probably DONT want to hear what he has to say.....

[Art_Critic]

Beth.. Your slipping ... Stop it...

 

That is just the Stinking Thinking talking.. You are setting yourself up right now.

 

Stop thinking about how you want him... It is over and has been over for a long time..

 

You said in the orginal post that you 2 never broke up.. I beg to differ.

 

I would think after about the 4 or 5 times you were no longer together, You just refused to admit it to yourself and kept living for him to come back..

 

Stop and think about how to reprogram yourself to stop thinking of him this way.. or you will contact him and have to start NC all over again..

[In Sync]

I am approaching 3 months of solid NC. And yet I'm almost scared that I'll never find closure. I know that the chances of seeing or hearing from him are done and over with. It's just that I'm not finding a place for all the hurt that I've stored up over him. It's still there. It's become a stain that won't go away. I'm still hurting and I don't get why won't those feeling go fade. I pray and I do all that I can to bring my focus back on me and my life as it is today, but every day there's that part of me that sighs with sadness. And it's because I haven't found a way to bury what happened. I never had the opportunity to let him know how much his actions really betrayed me. I will carry that with me always. I don't know how to find closure from this.

[riobikini]

Dear Smile,

 

The title to your thread is 'How To Find Closure'; the question you ask is "How do I let go?"

 

The answer to both is : actively.

 

You actively find closure; you actively let go.

 

It is not something that does not require conscious thought, nor a movement carried out by the autonomic nervous system.

 

You have to seek in order to find closure, -and you'll find the key to closure somewhere in you, -not in him.

 

You'll never have to have his permission to close this long, weary chapter in your life, -it is your decision.

 

In reference to truly letting go: a wish changes nothing; a decision, everything.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[LawGirl]

I too have had a relationship 'end' recently. Without closure.

 

And yeah - he has done the same thing. Called and re-entered my life at HIS whim in the past. And yeah - I have let him. But no more. I can be strong - oh yes I can. I will repeat it to myself over and over until I make it work. However, one day, one step at a time.

 

I think I am going to try aversion therapy. It may sound wierd - but it worked once for someone who wouldn't get out of my mind.....

 

I obsessed about this love interest - kept wondering why, what if, etc. it was making me literally sick. Just like thoughts of this fellow are doing now (and yes - there is an echo of repeated behaviour here that I know I need to address).

 

So what did I do that time? I wore a loosely fitting rubber band. And every time I thought of him - snap went the rubber band. I made sure I gave it a good flick. By the end of the first day my wrist was rather red and I had to switch to the other arm.

 

Masochistic yes, but it did stop me from dwelling so much on him. It stopped me from endless dwelling. Basically substituted a different type of pain for the emotional paid.

 

After a bit, I flicked less and less. Eventually - I just stopped - both wearing the band and thinking about him so much.

 

I know it sounds drastic, but I had to draw attention to what I was doing. I think sometimes a person tends to dwell on thoughts without realizing and those rather demoralizing thoughts stop you from moving forward.

 

Don't know if this will help either me this time around - but hey, am already in pain.

[smile95]

law girl..I will be black and blue! But great idea!

 

Art---he led me to believe we were still together each time we "reunited" however, we have been over for a yr now...with him calling here and there to say he loved me. I used to mistake the i love you's for getting back, but looking back, i know that was not the case. It was just to keep me haning on for him.

 

Bendit. I feel I am in total NC. I am not going to run from my problems by changing #'s and emails. I want to reach a point where I CAN answer and be ok with it. Maybe not even want to answer...with the way thiings are going, I do not see him calling me again....

 

thanks everyone...I had a better day. Seems to go up and down. I hardly thought of him today? Not sure what causes the ups and downs?

 

riobikin..you are so right. I do not need him nor will he ever give me closure. I think I am not moving along and stuck in this stage bcz moving on means letting go of all hope. That is a tough thing for me, but I know it has to be done. It may not seem like it, but I am 90% better than I was in the past.

 

I appreciate all the help!

[bendit]

Beth we will just have to disagree on this one. You aren't in NC because WHEN you answer when he calls, and you will either answer or call him back, contact will be resumed. The only way that there is no contact now is because he so far has left you alone. In that sense you've been lucky.

 

In these kind of cases, there isn't going to be ANY partial or limited contact that works. I suspect you will find that out and that will Eventually drive you to full NC. You aren't running away from anything by changing your numbers and email addresses btw. In fact it's just the opposite. Its COURAGEOUS, and a little too scary for you right now because you still need to know he "cares". You will know that you are ready to move on with your life when you finally can change your phone number and email addy and SEAL, forever, all the leaks. But you aren't there yet. Someday, I hope you will be.

 

regards

[Art_Critic]

Art---he led me to believe we were still together each time we "reunited" however, we have been over for a yr now...with him calling here and there to say he loved me. I used to mistake the i love you's for getting back, but looking back, i know that was not the case. It was just to keep me haning on for him.

 

I'm glad that you have smartened up to his games.. Keep up the NC.. everyone here wishes you well

[riobikini]

Ditto!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio