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Almost relapsed after 4 months :(


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 7th January 2006, 5:00 PM   #1
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Almost relapsed after 4 months :(

For the past 4 months I have implemented NC completely, and it has helped me a lot in getting over my ex. I was at a point where I was 90-95% recovered. My ex was literally disappearing from my mind, I even forgot her own birthday.

Last night, a friend of mine was looking at some stupid myspace/facebook type thingy on the internet trying to find old friends from high school. He searched my ex's name (without me knowing) and pulled up her page. I walked into the room and her profile was on the screen, and at that point I was helpless. I wanted to look away but I didn't, I thought I could handle it since it has been 4 months.

It seems she has already found someone new, or at least she is definitely interested in someone else. I don't know how to describe how I feel. I know in my heart that I don't want her anymore, but I still feel crappy for some reason knowing she has found someone else. All of a sudden I had this incredible urge to talk to her but I stopped myself. Now, I feel down and depressed, and I'm trying to pick myself up. Honestly, I was better off not knowing anything.

It sucks when you work so hard at something for so long, and just have it all taken away in a matter of moments. Now all I can think about is her, I can't seem to get her off my mind.
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Old 7th January 2006, 5:12 PM   #2
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Dont worry I am the same...its been 5 months since we split ( she dumped me LDR).....ive been doing NC since November...she phoned me on Christmas ( I didnt know it was her,her phone number came up as withheld), I answered it and I had a knot in my stomach as soon as i realised it was her...if i had known who it was I wouldnt have picked up.

I know she is in a relationship with somebody else, and i am desperately trying to let her go.

I think i am getting better tho as I am developing the mindset that even though she is getting it on with another guy, at least I had her for a year..Sort of a 'well I've been there and done that' attitude.

If i'm honest I guess I'd still like to be with her, as i haven't found anyone to fill that gap in my life yet.Its just hard sometimes, but i know in time it will get better and we'll both get over it!
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Old 7th January 2006, 7:18 PM   #3
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yea the biggest mistake i made was thinking i was so strong i could handle anything. from now on i just won't even bother myself, even if i think i can handle it.
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Old 7th January 2006, 8:32 PM   #4
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Lucky

Your lucky she called you on Christmas, because my ex didn't, after 2 1/2 years and its been 3 weeks now since she broke up with me, I haven't talked to or seen her in 2 weeks, and she had somebody and started dating them 3 days after she left me.
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Old 7th January 2006, 9:12 PM   #5
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having any contact is lose/lose.

she doesnt call you on christmas. youre hurt. you think shes cold, shes forgotten about you. she never loved you, you meant nothing to her. shes not even thinking about you. how could she not call? shes all i think about. didnt she value us?

or...

she calls you on christmas. your heart races as you pick up the phone. you have a simple conversation. she calls to wish you a merry christmas. you read into EVERYTHING. why is she really calling? she must be unhappy without me. her new guy isnt working out. this means shes thinking about me! her voice..oh god i missed her voice.....why did she have to call? i cant get her off my mind. ive been doing ok, but now her voice is fresh in my head. its just a merry christmas. nothing more.

either way youre screwed.

my ex called a day before x-mas and it completely threw me off kilter. i was hoping she would call, but i only wanted to hear one thing. shes with someone else..so of course i didnt hear that one thing. we had a simple conversation where i read into everything. i went into a tailspin wondering and thinking and wishing i didnt hear her voice. she IMed me a week later on my birthday telling me she was thinking about me. and that she would like to call later. that message killed me and when she called i didnt answer. she didnt leave a message and i havent heard from her since. its been 7 months and im still not over her. we were togetehr for 5.5 years.

hearing from them isnt what its cracked up to be. even after 7 months i still love her and dont care about anyone as much as her. she has a whole new life which i dont want to hear about...but want to be in. its a lose/lose situation.
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Old 8th January 2006, 12:23 AM   #6
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sickofit, you are dead-on. the minimal contact I had, which wasn't even real contact, just me finding out some stuff has sent me into a complete tailspin.

i feel like i'm on day 1 of the breakup. my heart races all the time now and i get that sinking feeling when i think about it. i swear just one week ago i was on top of the world and any thoughts about her just didn't phase me at all. now i'm literally a wreck. i feel like someone shot an arrow through my heart.

but now i know, i just can't handle any sort of contact with this girl ever again. i will have to accept that she just does not exist in my life and never will. being at square one again sucks, but i know i'll be ok and make it out of this.
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Old 8th January 2006, 12:37 AM   #7
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sick of it and sanne --

I'm right there with you guys. I know for a fact that if my exgf contacts me, and if she tells me anything other than "I'm sorry, I want you back, and I know now for sure I'll never doubt our staying power again" -- I will go into a complete tailspin and it will **** me up back to to square one.....

Why oh why does the heart crave contact in spite of the mind knowing better? Such is being human I guess. Thank goodness for LoveShack -- I'm glad we're here to talk sense into each-other.
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Old 8th January 2006, 2:35 AM   #8
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well I just came back from an exhausting workout/basketball game and I must say I feel 100% better. i let my emotions take over me these past few days and I was acting like the spineless idiot i used to be. you know what, fsck my ex and whomever she decides to sleep with. it's none of my business and quite frankly i just don't care anymore. she never deserved me anyways. if i ever run into her, which is highly unlikely, i will give the head nod and keep walking.

seriously guys go out and get some exercise or some fresh air, it does wonders.
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Old 8th January 2006, 12:34 PM   #9
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You are right Sanne, Ive been exercising loads, and also have played guitar for 10 years, and always wanted to record an album.

So now im doing just that! A breakup always provides some good lyrics! I also want to go to New York for a while and travel....

At the beginning, when I knew she was with her new boyfriend.., I was hurt thinking of her being intimate with somebody else..I still feel pain when I think of it sometimes, thats only natural...but now I think I'm getting better because I am slowly feeling that even tho she's with somebody else at least I can say to myself ' I've been there and done that'

And it must be hard on her new boyfriend knowing what we got upto in the sack as well, so its not all about us ex boyfriends feeling bad about our exes being intimate with somebody else

Not sure this train of thought is the right one..but it does help me.

Last edited by wendel1; 8th January 2006 at 12:45 PM..
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:03 PM   #10
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can i ask how long you two were going out?
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:17 PM   #11
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well guys I did it, I relapsed. sent her the following txt message last night:

"Hey, how are you? I hope things are going better for you. I know you had a birthday so happy birthday, I forgot the date. Take care and good luck with school."

it was a drunken txt message, and to be honest i actually feel better now that i sent it. you know what the odd thing is though, i have yet to get a reply. she even signed online when I was on and didn't say anything.

she always replies either immediately or within a few hours, and would never just not acknowledge something like this, especially when it is such a harmless text message. I don't really know why she wouldn't respond. I know personally I would send a harmless reply back and be done with it, but to not say anything at all especially when someone sends you a nice message baffles me. oh well, more reminders why we're better off broken up.
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:24 PM   #12
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As mentioned my ex rang around christmas time and we chatted for 10 mins..mostly what to do with the rest of my stuff at her house. I sent her a simple text on Christmas day just saying 'Merry Christmas'...and didnt get a reply...and I felt EXACTLY what you do now..

She is not even on MSN Messenger anymore..I think she has blocked/removed me. That is why its important for me NOT to relapse! She has made her intentions clear.

Give it another 6 months, or until you have completely healed before you contact her again. Then if you send a text you wont give a sh*t if she replies or not...
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:29 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sanne
well guys I did it, I relapsed. sent her the following txt message last night:

"Hey, how are you? I hope things are going better for you. I know you had a birthday so happy birthday, I forgot the date. Take care and good luck with school."

it was a drunken txt message, and to be honest i actually feel better now that i sent it. you know what the odd thing is though, i have yet to get a reply. she even signed online when I was on and didn't say anything.

she always replies either immediately or within a few hours, and would never just not acknowledge something like this, especially when it is such a harmless text message. I don't really know why she wouldn't respond. I know personally I would send a harmless reply back and be done with it, but to not say anything at all especially when someone sends you a nice message baffles me. oh well, more reminders why we're better off broken up.
And there you have it.... the reason no-contact shouldn't be broken.... because you may not be comfortable with the results, and worse, the results may set you back further.

Hey.... we have all been there (broken NC). I have rarely read any posts where broken NC results in something positive. It sounds like you are dealing with her lack of response Ok, but post here if you arent.
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:30 PM   #14
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well to be honest I don't really give a ***** right now. i just think it's odd and amusing actually. i assumed that if anyone were to not respond to txt messages it would be me, not her. she has no real reason to not talk to me since I am the one who has clearly struggled more throughout this breakup than she has.

the way I think about it is that it takes more effort to not respond and say anything than to just send back a harmless reply. to not say anything indicates that something is clearly wrong or that you are not quite over something yet.
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:42 PM   #15
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That's an interesting way to look at it. The only other reason not to respond is to purposefully send the hint that you don't want to talk any longer. But that doesn't sound like this is the case.

But... the fact that you don't really give a ***** is awesome. That's the state I hope to get to one day. Now you have to take that not giving a ***** to a new level... the level where you don't give enough of a ***** to even send her an innocent note.
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