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Talking to my ex from 4 years ago, still 'the one that got away'


Free At Last

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We were together only 8 months... We were both 24 at the time. It was my first real relationship and my longest. I was clingy and desperate after the breakup. We relapsed a few times, but things just kept spinning out of control.

 

I got the silent treatment for quite a while, but in the last two years we have been reaching out to each other a bit by email. She keeps the topic limited to the artistic stuff she is working on, and only gives vague allusions to the rest of her life. However, she has invited me to attend a performance she is giving next week.

 

Ideally I would like to be friends - she is one of the people that I respect and admire most, even after everything. I just hope I'm strong enough. It could be really rewarding and worthwhile, right? And it could give me a sense of confidence from seeing how far I have come.

 

The scary part is that I haven't found anyone better than her. In the almost 4 years since we split I have seriously changed my life, and she continues to be the high-water mark that I measure myself against. For all my growth and new directions there is a part of me that worries I won't measure up.

 

And I'm worried that a fire would get lit again.... just feeling her personality again from her letters puts a smile on my face. I would be surprised if she wasn't with someone new... and I think I could deal with it if she was. But I know that this woman can be like crack cocaine to me, and I worry about that too.

 

Any insight you might have is appreciated. Should I be a man and just go to her show? Should I back off and forget about it? Thanks. :bunny:

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I think you should go for it .. You have even said that you are a different person. Just go into it with your eyes open

 

good luck

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Hi Free. I think you should go for it, too - and another good reason to go is to possibly see the "reality" again, and be able to determine how it compares to the ideal you've carried around for four years.

 

She may still be a wonderful person, but you may also find it easier to move on than if you continued to idealize her in her absence.

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seachange: you're right, i have totally been carrying around an idealized image of her. I guess when I do go to see her, I'd like to break that image a bit... I think the best way is to approach her will be as I would any new person, genuinely, but leaving enough of a distance to allow room for observation.

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  • 1 month later...
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ok, I went to go see her show.... I hadn't seen her for 2 years, and we talked for only about 3 minutes after the performance, at which time she kind of let me know that she was done talking with me....

 

i sent a follow up email saying that it was nice to see that she was doing well, and she wrote back a few days later saying basically the same thing to me.

 

i really don't get it, maybe she just likes the comfort of knowing that she is a good enough person that i will stay in her life, even if it is from a distance? she NEVER shares any personal information about her life... she is always vague or focusses only on how her performances are going. Sad but true: half of the stuff I know about her life today I read from the newspaper acticles reviewing her performances.

 

Also in four years, i think she has taken initiative maybe one time to initiate contact with me. I have no anger towards her, and I definitely am not in love anymore, but I'm starting to think that maybe I have a distorted view of reality. I mean, this is someone that I like and respect quite a bit... which is why I want her back in my life as a friend, at some level. But on the other hand, the way she keeps me at a distance confuses me. Is it apathy or contempt or distrust or maybe resentment? Maybe just not enough time or she might not see it as being important enough to invest in?

 

Or am I being too demanding, and asking things of her that I would not from other aquiantences? I guess the feeling I have is that this is a person that I shared for a time a fundamental human experience, and something quite special. Doesn't that deserve a little more effort or respect?

 

I know I am in her thoughts occasionally, but why do I get the feeling that I don't exist to her? Maybe I'm needy, maybe it is because I haven't found another person that I can be in love with, that I am overly concerned about the attention I receive from someone that I used to be in love with.

 

Thoughts?

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It sounds like she's mostly a kind-hearted person and doesn't like to hurt anybody. Hence, she is courteous and respectful to you but that's it. She has no interest in you as a b/f OR a good friend. You are an old flame - period. She's not trying to be a b*tch so she at least responded cordially to your email. And if she's giving performances, she's gonna invite every single person she sees in order to fill the seats.

 

I don't mean to make her out as a bad person at all. I actually think you need to keep the memories and move on. Good luck.

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thanks downcydeguy... what you said actually really resonated with me, it makes sense and explains the way she acts towards me. Should I cut myself off from communication with her if it is evident that she isn't interested in persuing a true friendship? I could be ok with only touching bases once every while, and maybe it would be a sign of maturity to stay in touch as we both move forward? But I guess the fact that I am spending all this time thinking about her shows that I already am too wrapped up for my own good, and maybe would be better just to cut contact altogether....

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You served three purposes. 1 - you filled the room. 2 - she wanted to show off to you a little and 3 - when you spoke to her afterwards im sure your moral support boosted her ego re the performance.

 

Job done, you can go now.

 

Im a firm believer that in any situation like this the dumper must be the one to move things along. If this was an olive branch exercise by her you will hear from her again but for now melt away and continue to build your life without her.

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Yea Free, I think you're on the right track about cutting the ties. Definitely time to move on. I think any future run-ins will at least be cordial.

 

Best of luck my friend.

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ReluctantRomeo
Im a firm believer that in any situation like this the dumper must be the one to move things along. If this was an olive branch exercise by her you will hear from her again but for now melt away and continue to build your life without her.

 

Yup, I agree 100%. And, as Down says, future run-ins will be cordial. This in itself is nice.

 

In the meantime, forget about her and move on with your life.

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And if she's giving performances, she's gonna invite every single person she sees in order to fill the seats.

 

Agreeance. I have friends in theater, and they send out notices to every man, woman, child, dog, slow-moving train, etc. etc. that they've ever wrung an email address out of. An ex of mine (who I'm on cordial terms with) sends out his music notices to anyone and everyone, including me, and we live in completely different parts of the country! It's just what you do.

 

Anyway - it's good that you had a chance to see the reality, and to answer some lingering questions. It doesn't sound like she's a bitch or anything, but it does sound like she has moved on. You should try to, too.

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