smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 If I treat moving on and breaking up as an addictin(becasue for me it is) what kind of steps are involved for those getting over a drug or alcohol addiction. Wouldn't that be similar???I actaully feel I need to talk to him to gt a fix and I need to just hear his voice and I will be ok. I know this is not healthy and I truly want to be happy and get him out of my life. As I have said, we did NC for a month and then decided to talk as friends and he would still say he loved me and missed me, but would rarely return my calls or text and then I would get mad or jealous and then he would ignore me and now we are back to NC again.....it is never ending. It sux that we cannot be friends, but what other option is there???? NOTHING! I have somehow depended on this man to make me happy and determine my self worth and I hate that. How did that happen? Now that it is over and I feel lost. There is just too much baggage and crap to deal with now with him. I want it all out of my life. It brings me down. He knows just how to get me back and I fall each time becasue I am hopeful and naive! It is either really great with us and horrible. Never an in between. I feel if I never talk to him again, I will never get over him, that is why I wanted to be friends, but friends did not work either! I am praying and hoping that this is the right decision.....to FINALLY get over him with no hope of it working. I know I deserve better. I just have to let go of this for good and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Beth, addictions are not easy to break. It takes time to break it, and sometimes ppl slip and fall off the wagon, but they get back up and go on. No contact with drugs/booze/ex-bfs! It's as simple as that. You can also reflect how much TIME you've put into this relationship. How many months/years have you wasted on this guy? How many more are you going to waste? I would tell him straight, "Please do not contact me". If you cant cut contact completely, tell him then to not contact you for atleast a year. You need a year to rediscover yourself and want this time alone and ask him to respect your decision. If he wont respect your wishes, he's purely selfish. You need to do this beth. And you know it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 i think the issue now is that he is ignoring me, so I have no opportunity to tell him to leave me alone....he is and will....until he sees that I am really not interested again.......it is a game to him.......I guess it is more of a rejection thing for me. I know I did nothing wrong and he is ignoring ME? He is not even capable of having a conversation as adults so this is why I always have to give myself closure! I am doing NC now. (again) Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 You dont need to get the last word, hun! Make a decision in your mind that this is what YOU want, and it's his lost. If/when he calls, then you can tell him to get lost. But you have to be strong. You're wasting too much time on a man who's using you. He doesnt want you, but he doesnt want anyone else to have you. It's wrong and selfish of him, but you're allowing him to do it. I know it's hard to turn your emotions off, but you have to focus on the future without him. Find something to get excited about that would involve him NOT being in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 His ignoring you is just a tactic. Rest assured, once you start moving on, he will not be able to ignore you. Be prepared for him to pull out all the stops to get you back and you will need much strength to resist the temptation. The only way to do that is through a total blackout. It will be rough for awhile, but once he realizes you are not going to play any more, he will give up and move on to someone else who will play. But, be prepared, he won't give it up without a fight. I have felt like I might be addicted to my guy, too. And that may be part of it. However, I think its mostly just that I love him and he's really good at fanning that flame so it doesn't go out completely. Don't judge yourself too harshly in all this. He's good at what he does. However, this is all the more reason for YOU to be strong for YOU. The only person that can break this cycle is you. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl How many months/years have you wasted on this guy? How many more are you going to waste? words to live by Beth .. You need to start thinking about moving on doing NC permanantly and never answering when /if he calls. Beth.. you need to move on .. he is gone as so has your relationship with him.. it has been gone for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 I think its mostly just that I love him and he's really good at fanning that flame so it doesn't go out completely. Don't judge yourself too harshly in all this. He's good at what he does. That says it all for me too!!!! SO accurate. I mistake him fanning the flame for love and that is my mistake..... I guess I should not care what he thinks or if he is going to call.....I should only think that I am better off alone..... Maybe once I get over this hump of hurt, things will fall into place for me and I will not miss him so much. I keep telling myself that I deserve so much more and love is not supposed to be one person giving all the time. His ignoring you is just a tactic. Rest assured, once you start moving on, he will not be able to ignore you. Be prepared for him to pull out all the stops to get you back and you will need much strength to resist the temptation I hate his tactic. I should know HIS pattern by now and that he will not talk to me for a month or so.....he expects me to be waiting like always......he gets really sweet when he wants to be, but this time, he will be in shock to see that I am not falling for it. I guess I do not need the last word with him. Maybe this time I will heal and feel better and instead of him calling me after a month, he will not, and I will be abe to move on without him trying to change my mind. Maybe he is as fed up as I am this time.....or quite possibly, he thinks "here we go again, i will just say I love her in a month and will will be fine". He prob thinks nothing of this! My goal is to post on here when/if he calls that I IGNORED HIM! Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Beth, I'm cuirous....how old are you and how old is this guy you are so crazy for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 I'm 28 and he is 30. Sadly, we are still playing games....I would love to be able to have a conversation with him and it is impossible....so I am forced to play his game. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 That's a great goal! Also, you said... I guess I should not care what he thinks or if he is going to call.....I should only think that I am better off alone..... If the choice is alone or engaged in this mess with him - yes, alone is better. But, I don't think that these are your only choices. Just imagine what it would be like with someone who really did love you the way you loved them? Would he seem all that appealing by contrast? I think not. Give yourself time to heal from this ride. Your heart has been put through the meat grinder. But, it will get better. Take the healing time to work on you, figure out why it is that you threw your pearls before the swine so to speak. And keep a big space open for the right person, because as long as he's taking up all this space in your life, that great guy can't get in. Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 You know reading your posts I find that you kinda have some things in common with my ex. I mean he thinks my being in and out of his life, or even what I do when I am here is considered emotional abuse. Of course in his case I think he sees me not giving him his way everytime as emotional abuse. Then there is the addiction thing. I think that is a dangerous word to use. Its ok that you are in love with him and its hard to let go. People who are addicted to eachother destroy eachothers lives and cant stop. I am not so sure thats the same as missing an ex, even when it gets complicated and unhealthy. My ex came up with the being addicted to me thing as well. But I dont buy it. I think its just love man. But I dont fully know your situation so I could be wrong. I do have some questions tho. Did he break up or did you? And you want him back but you dont? I am confused bc I know I am not talking to my ex bc he has been back and forth wanting everything but commitment from me.. and if he tried to get me back I would be very happy. But you don't want that? You can hate this post if you want but around here I see a lot of people with a lot of pride saying they just want their exes to go away but they seem so disappointed when they do. This is a tough thing to deal with , I know I was there.. but now I am honest with myself about how much I love him and truly do miss him. You do need time for you. Dont rush into anything bc you think you have to or bc he may have. Thats part of still living for him. If you dont want him dont talk to him, if you still want him then give yourself time. And him too. He keeps comming back for a reason right? Maybe he cares for you in a way he doesnt understand. I am not on his side here or yours. I just think sometimes villifying the ex may not be the way to go. He may be just as mixed up about how he feels as you are about how he feels. And this time and disntance does give a person some perspective. But it was love honey, and now its pain and confusion of heartbreak... don't let your pride tell you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 I do have some questions tho. Did he break up or did you? And you want him back but you dont? I am confused bc I know I am not talking to my ex bc he has been back and forth wanting everything but commitment from me.. and if he tried to get me back I would be very happy. But you don't want that? We never broke up really.....he just stopped talking to me(let me add this is the 7th time he has donet his in 3.5 yrs) and then he calls a month later and acts like all is ok. The last time he said he had no time to be with me since work was too crazy so we were friends and then he acted like we were still together and he loved me and then I got my hopes up and now he is ignoring me again........ I know that he breaks my heart over and over and this is a pattern. I know we love each other, but maybe the timing is way off. It seems we keep coming back to each other. He ignores my calls and text(as he always does during this) and it kills me. If he ever changed and would make an effort, I would prob give him a chance, but I know he is not changing anytime soon. Esp since this is the 7th time and he knows all he has to do is call and say he loves me. That is the part of the cycle I am trying to stop/change. Link to post Share on other sites
toneman Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by NewLee40 His ignoring you is just a tactic. Rest assured, once you start moving on, he will not be able to ignore you. . That's not true, if she acts like a psycho and doesn't leave him alone then there is no way he will even want her as a friend. I left a girl a few years ago and she wouldn't leave me alone and it was like she was obsessed, I haven't spoken to her since I got the cops onto her with a restraining order. Beth leave this guy alone, do you like putting yourself through all of this hell? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 oh I am not annoying him and had he told me to stop calling I would. I guess addicted is not the word....I am not doing anything obsessive. It is normal behavior for him to ignore me. After 3.5 yrs of this, you would think I would have him figured out by now. He will not say for me to go -otherwie, he could not try and reel me in later. lol Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Beth, I could be wrong yet I recall you mentioned you are in a LD relationship......something tells me that there is a bit more to him than you even know. His long hours just might not be spent at work....they could very well be spent with another girlfriend closer to home or even a wife. The characteristics of your relationship with him seem like you are an option for him if and when he feels the need to be promiscuous. He has no responsibility to you, ignores your calls and then when he is sad or sexually needy....he calls and acts like all is well.....AND YOU KEEP TAKING him back! He will never change as you are providing him with all the power each and every time.....stop saying if he changed you would take him back cause Beth....HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE and all the hurt he has caused you to-date will never go away. How can you look someone in the eyes after he has done this? You seem so sweet with so much to offer....as long as you are dead set on this guy you are eliminating the chance for anyone else to cherish you the way you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 well we are LD and technically he is married....been sep a while now. SO he has a wife, but she has a restraining order on him and she is the one who filed, so I kow she does not want him. I am not worried about his having someone really. Looking back over the 3.5 yrs, he never has treated me well or showed he loved me...I think now I just have had enough and finally see I cannot take it. to an outsider it looks like he may have another, but I know his work and I know him well enough to know he does not do that. Evenso......I d9o not want to be 2nd to work either.....people really do not change and he has been selfish from day 1...i was just blinded for a while. he could have someone, i suppose? but if he does, she does not get anytime either with his schedule. His ignorig my calls and acting this way is quite normal. So it is not like it just started.......it is just that i have had enough Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 ps- you are right.......I am missing an opportunity to be with someone great by holding onto something so disfunctional. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 So Beth why in the world would you consider taking him back? i am just trying to push some buttons here so please don't feel I am ganging up on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 No I need my buttons pushed...I need to figure this out. I think the root of all of this is I am 28. I have no husband. I have no kids(something I have dreamed of forever). I spent so long waiting for him and all his promises that I built my dreams around him and I do not want to lose my dreams. That is why I am holding on. I also really do love him. We have a great connection. Another part is I am scared I will never meet anyone that I enjoy being with so much. Overall...I guess I am scared of being alone? I have never had a great relationship, so I have no idea if what I have put up with is normal? I know it cannot be, but it is hard to let go and not have him in my life anymore...... thanks for helping me out....I want to figure all this out. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Beth, You are in the prime of your life! No worries.......yet if you want your buttons pushed......then think about how much more time you want to waste on this guy! Do you want to spend another 2-3 years pining away for a romanticized version of this guy that you have created. You said it before...he never treated you with the respect you deserve. Don't get me wrong as I am in the same boat as you and feeling low as well. Pushing your buttons push my own . Only difference is that I am a 34/M, single now, and scared of the future too...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 Do you want to spend another 2-3 years pining away for a romanticized version of this guy that you have created. NOOOOOOOOOOO I do not! I remember 2 yrs ago trying to leave this behind and him convincing me to stay. I suppose that if I do NC, i will be sad and miss him, but it will not be this everyday drama and tears. And hopefully with NC, the missing him will fade whereas the drama would not if I stayed. I do not think I will ever stop loving him though. Just disappointing. I know there are millions of men out there, but I was set on him. I guess the only way to break the cycle is to change what I have done in the past. I know that this does not even phase him since I always take him back. I wonder if I stop talking so much about it all if that would help me stop thinking so much. I am sure it would. I just have to get set in my head positive thoughts and stop wondering about him. It consumes me. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Beth, not to sound rude or anything, but have you gone to counselling? God knows I needed it when my stbxh left me, and was just wondering if you ever went? Your self-esteem is totally based on what this guy thinks of you and it's unhealthy. You need to let him go, but I think deep down you like the drama he gives you. I think a counsellor might be able to help you figure out why that is. I know when i went, I had many childhood stuff to deal with, and it's been a really great thing for me. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do, but I do have hope for the future, even if it's alone and single for the rest of my life. I'd rather that, then put myself through the crap i've been living with for the last 8 years. Do you really want to be happily married with kids? If that's your deepest desire, then let him go. He's not going to do it for you the way you want him to do it. And if he did marry you and get you pregnant, do you think he will change? Think about that. You'll still have ALL the same problems you have now, but with all the marital problems on top of it. He'll ignore you AND his kid. You'll be a single mother! It's a tough job, and no disrespect to the single mom's out there, but if you have a chance to prevent that, then by all means do so! He's not going to be there for you Beth! He hasnt for the last 3 years! And as romantic as it sounds, he's *not* going to change for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 I have tried therapy. I am going back once I get insurance again. It really did not help, but I have different goals now than I did back then. Now, I want to let go. I cannot imagine how he would be if we were married. Working all the time, making time for his son, AND trying to be in a marriage with kids with me too? I would be heartbroken and alone....good point. I can see the big picture with him is not good. But right now, my emotions are so wrapped up in this thing. I am hoping over time, I will be able to see things more clearly. I know he will not change. Not for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Tone, I still think her ignoring him will escalate his need to reach her. That's because its HIS problem. He's feeding off her and she's giving him what he wants by pining for him. As soon as she stops that, he'll come back. She may be the one needing a restraining order before its all over with. Your situation is different. Your gf was obviously disturbed and totally disrespected your boundaries.. Sorry you had to go through that. Link to post Share on other sites
KimberAnn Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 You said.... "i think the issue now is that he is ignoring me, so I have no opportunity to tell him to leave me alone....he is and will....until he sees that I am really not interested again.......it is a game to him.......I guess it is more of a rejection thing for me. I know I did nothing wrong and he is ignoring ME? He is not even capable of having a conversation as adults so this is why I always have to give myself closure" When someone does this to you they are being emotionally abusive. They punish you by ignoring you or avoiding you. Do you really want to waste more time with someone who does this to you? How many red flags do you need - how many times are you willing to take him back and give him permission to do this again every time you break up? Any addiction is hard to break - it's a question of how much self esteem do you have and how much self worth? The more you cave in and go back - the worse it's gonna get. You need to train yourself to cut the umbilical cord and let him go. In time he'll more than likely contact you and when that happens you can either cut is short and refuse to even communicate or you can go rushing back into his arms. It's how masochistic are you to put up with him? That's the question! Link to post Share on other sites
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