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3 months and still not coping.


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It's been 3 months since my girl left me, and I'm still not coping well.

 

I have good days and bad days, sometimes I don't think about it as much, but it's always at the back of my mind. Even when I try go out clubbing or to a pub and try and have a good time with my mates, it's always there in the back of my mind. Everything reminds me of her, and how we used to be. Everytime I see a couple holding hands or kissing, or something like such. Almost every song that's played somehow reminds me of her also.

 

Whenever I go on a date or try see another girl, it's always there haunting me, and I'm always comparing them to my ex, and putting the down in my head. Each time also, as soon as the date is over, I feel disgusted in myself, almost like I've cheated or soemthing.

 

We have been NC for about 2 months now, maybe bit longer, we spoke briefly once when we bumped into each other at the shops, but that was only really a "hi, how are you?" type thing. I've tried my best to NC as much as possible and try and move on with my life, and get over her.. but I can't... I still want her back.

 

I'm so dissappointed in her too, the way she's acted since the breakup.. I never thought she'd be like this. When we broke up she said she never wants to lose contact with me, I'm a great guy, blah blah etc.. Yet I've not had one sms or call from her since, even on my birthday (which was about a month ago). She also broke up with me because she 'wanted to conentrate on her career'.. in which she's been out clubbing every weekend since (including exam week).

 

It just seems she's a different person now and everything she does and how she acts makes me angry, and makes me NOT wan't her back, and think to myself "what was I thinking, you dont need that crap, etc"... but deep down I still miss her.

 

I get angry and jealous every time I hear of her out.

 

I've taken the breakup very hard (depression, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders) and my mates think that she needs to know that. I don't know if she does. Every day I have to fight myself from sending her an sms or calling her though. It's been brewing in my mind for about a month wether to sms her with something along the lines of:

 

"Depression. Anxiety. Insomnia. Eating disorder. For what? Losing you? You're obviously not losing any sleep over it or shedding a tear over it, so why should I? So much for not wanting to lose contact with me, I havn't heard anything since we've been apart. One day you'll realise the grass isn't greener, and by that time, it'll be too late."

 

My question is, should I break NC, in somewhat hope or reuniting something? Should I send her that sms? OR soemthing else, maybe with a little less anger? Should I write her a letter? Please help! I'm goin crazy!

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Originally posted by LNY

 

"Depression. Anxiety. Insomnia. Eating disorder. For what? Losing you? You're obviously not losing any sleep over it or shedding a tear over it, so why should I? So much for not wanting to lose contact with me, I havn't heard anything since we've been apart. One day you'll realise the grass isn't greener, and by that time, it'll be too late."

 

 

Don't show her any of that kind of WEAKNESS

 

That whole paragraph weaps of weapy weakness

 

If you do she will know she dated a pus**

 

Stay NC .. and in the future ( 6months ) you want to contact her.. Short and simple an leave the weapy stuff out

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Someone on here said that NC was if you didn't want them back, and to heal yourself?

 

I do want her back, that's the problem. :S

 

I've been NC for like 2 months now, and it's opened up some space between us, I just don't want to let the gap get that big that there will be nope hope in getting her back. I agree with NC in a way, but in another way I feel like it could be making things worse for myself, by not talking to her. I sometimes feel that talking to her may help me more than NC.

 

I dunno, I'm confused... love is so complicated! :(

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Fallen_Angel

I know you feel as though talking to her will help, but believe me when I say you're MUCH better off not talking to her.

 

Do you want to hear about this "exciting" new life she's living? I doubt it. I'm sure she does miss you and think of you; she either has a weird way of showing it or she's in denial and she hasn't really admitted it yet. But the important thing is...you're not to dwell on it!

 

You deserve better. Repeat this to yourself every day if you have to. I certainly do. I was also told by my ex that he never wanted to lose contact with me, he always wanted me in his life, blah blah blah blah.

 

Well. It's 4 months later, he hardly ever calls, and he's dating again. Eff that. Let him have his denial and his greener pasture, and let her have it too! The only way you're going to completely heal is to cut her out of your life until you're strong enough to possibly maintain a friendship with her.

 

Don't you want to find a girl who can "concentrate on her career" whilst in a fulfilling relationship with your wonderful self? Yeah, I think you do. She's out there somewhere, waiting for you.

 

BTW, don't feel the need to "time" your grieving process. Everyone's different. As things progress the good days will outnumber the bad ones.

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Yeah definatley dont send a message like that. She will read that and not wanna talk to you again ( but that could be a good thing )!

 

When you are the one who broke off a relationship, and have moved on, and recieve a message like that, you think.. " Damn you have issues! Move on and get over it"... But when you are the one hurting, you feel they gotta know this info, and hopefully it will hit their emotions...... but it dosent..they dont really care!

 

She said she wanted to keep into contact with you to soften the blow..thats all... But you really dont wanna keep in contact with her. You will always be tryin to win her back, and the contstant rejection will drive you insane and make you very bitter.

 

Dont contact her, fight the urges for a couple more months and they will pass.

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Hey LNY!

 

I'm with you 100% on this ride. I'm going through exactly the same thing. It's been 3 months for me too. The only difference for me is (and it makes it even harder) is that I am seeing her alot. This is because we have mutual friends and they are all very close to the both of us. So it's really hard to do NC.

 

Everything you described - in the back of your mind, comparing, jealousy, anger etc... is what I am going through as well. She said she wanted to have a break to work things out for herself, what she wants in life etc. She too goes out clubbing and what not, but often I go along too, which is really hard! It seems as though she's coping well without me and it hurts me alot. I haven't told her how I feel, and I won't for a while I think. I want to wait it out and see how things go.

 

Sorry, I can't offer you too much advice because I am trying to work this out as well. But just want to let you know that you're not alone.

 

PM me if you want to chat privately.

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Thanks for all the help people, and thanks for the support cookies.. it's tough eh? :/

 

I can imagine how hard it would be to spend time with her and/or see her a lot, because I only see me ex every now and then, and every time I do, I get really down, wether I talk to her briefly, or ignore her. It's just hard to let go of memories when you see them.

 

I know exactly how you feel when you say it seems she's coping well, and you're having a hard time. It sucks, it makes me feel that she doesn't even give a crap, or never did, and the whole time we were together was a waste of time.

 

I guess I will stay NC and not contact her or send that message, even though I strongly belief that NC will do nothing for my situation, and eventually she'll start dating again and forget about me completely. I so bady want to contact her and talk to her, and let her know how much I miss her and want her back in my life, but I know I can't, and I dont want to be the nagging ex boyfriend that wont go away or leave her alone.

 

Fallen angel, I hope your right in saying that she probably does miss me and think about me, but is in denial. Hopefully one day soon she will realise she misses me, but I shouldn't hold onto any hope, because there isn't much there.

 

I've been trying my best to let it go and get over it and move on, but I just cant.

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LNY,

 

It is easier for her to move on as she dumped you.......she made the choice and must feel that it was the right one, thus why should she be depressed. Yes she can miss you yet again she had the power of choice. You mention that waiting too long might result in her dating others.......understand that the reason she broke up with you was that she wants to date others! You have no control over that, thus the need for no contact as it would be quite difficult to see. She knows how you feel and to be honest at this point she does not feel enough for you to pick up the phone and come back. Do you really want someone back who does not care for you the same way? What exactly are you in love with?

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upsetnhurt,

 

Thanks for the reply. I suppose your right that she made the choice, she wouldn't be depressed. Although via a few sms' the first few days after we'd broken up, she made it quite clear that she was hurting also, and broke down infront of me when I saw her.

 

The reason she broke up with me was not that she wanted to date others. She doesn't want to date others, or have anything to do with a relationship, whilst she's at uni (the next 4 years) and 'focusing on her career'... but then again, a lot of things about her has been a lie since we've broken up, so who knows.

 

You raise a good point in saying:

 

Do you really want someone back who does not care for you the same way? What exactly are you in love with?

 

I try to tell myself that whenever I get depressed or down about it, but it still won't go away. I just can't seem to get this **** outta my head and move on with my life, no matter how hard I try, I always result to the same conclusion.. wanting her back no matter what.

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You always want what you can't have at the moment LNY! Keep telling yourself that it is your loss and realize that everytime you cater to her (call her) your dignity goes down the drain. If she has not called you to talk about getting back together then it is a good indication that she still does not realize how good of a catch you were. (She may never realize it). Do you really want someone who you have to chase? I tend to think you are looking for the easy way out as the thought of going out into the world single scares the living daylights out of you.

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I tend to think you are looking for the easy way out as the thought of going out into the world single scares the living daylights out of you.

 

It does, there's no security blanket there that takes a long time to build with a partner.

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Very true LNY and I am deathly scared of it too....yet you need to realize that there is no security blanket with you ex either......you are romanticizing your past relationship. It ended for a reason and deep down you know it is better for you to start fresh. It is painful yet wouldnt it better to go through the pain now instead of wasting more time over her?

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Hi LNY

 

Its been nearly 3 months for me too but its getting alot easier. We were together 4 years, i ended it & realised after a year & a half that i'd made a mistake so told him how i felt & after 2 months he came back. We were together for 3 months & then he bailed (pressures at work, difficulties with long distance & not sure of his feelings for me). I was gutted & chased for answers but he had none & everytime we spoke/saw each other it was awful (i cried & he was always nasty/hurtful towards me).

 

I initiated NC with a text about 5 wks ago & when i accidentally phoned after 2wks (long story), it turned out that he'd had to come home because he couldn't handle what was going on. Although the start of the conversation was horrible (he tried to make out that i was sleeping with someone for no reason), we spoke for an hour & things seemed ok between us, with him insisting that i needed to know that the end of the relationship wasn't personal. We text over the next couple of days & then, when i was having a bad moment, i phoned (big mistake). We spoke for 3 hrs & i've never felt so s*** (he was distant, rude, nasty & hurtful & i'd set myself up for it - what a d***head!!). Since then we've text & things have been ok & during the last week there's been nothing & i haven't been tempted to call/text - anything. Whilst my head was all over the place for weeks, i know i don't need it anymore & more importantly, know that i don't deserve it. I was stuck in silly mode thinking that he'd realise what he's lost & come back & now, i don't care. Whilst i still think about him, I don't want to be with someone who doubts how they feel about me & who bails as an easy option.

 

I guess what i'm trying to say is don't call/text/email - anything, as you'll only end up back at square one & feeling s***. I've come out of silly mode & know that i'm the one having fun & moving on. Whilst i'd love to be there for him at the moment as he's hit rock-bottom & isn't coping very well with a range of things, i've got to look after number 1. It's hard but i've got to keep smiling & more the the point, if he does come back in a month/year, etc., i know that i'll be able to cope & if he doesn't, i know i'll be ok.

 

Stick to NC & keep smiling!!!!!!!!!!

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Hey LNY, keep your head up man. I know what you are going through exactly. It's been a whole year for me and I'm JUST NOW getting around to realizing everything I ever felt about is NC but was too pussy to do is true. You will still go through ups and downs for a good while, trust me there's no getting around it.

 

People have made some very excellent points in this thread. I would heed them well if you want to feel better sooner.

NC will help you to see the situation and your ex in a much clearer light. As you remain in contact, all you're doing is dilluting the truth for yourself which is she's gone and she's not coming back. Remember, she made a choice for herself, that's right she was looking out for herself ONLY. You need to do the same and cut her off 110%.

 

I too romanticized my relationship with my ex beyond excess. It's so easy to put that person high up on the pedestal of love, even after they have made it clear they don't feel the same way. It doesn't make much sense but who said love does?

 

What we broken-hearted tend to do is live with the memory of who our ex's were to us, when in simple reality they are no longer that person. But our hearts and minds want SO badly for them to still be that person that we tell ourselves they still are. That's why it's so easy to inflict more and more damage upon yourself with contact and high hopes.

 

We tend to hope our ex's are sitting around thinking about us as much as we are. We want them to feel bad and regret their decision. Well, they probably aren't. Definately aren't as long as you keep giving yourself to them on a platter. As soon as they realize YOU are not in their lives anymore by YOUR choice, they might feel different. But by then, who cares? You don't want them to feel different towards you for that reason do you? No way.

 

You cannot control your ex's feelings toward you. You can affect them but not control them. The absolute best affect you can have on them is to cut them off with STRICT NC for an indefinite period of time. But that is secondary to you working on YOU during that time. It's all about you now, don't let her self-serving choice govern your happiness in life!

 

Stay busy, active...focus negative thoughts away from yourself. It takes time, it may take a long time. 2 months of NC already man, way to go. Don't break it all at. No sms, email, letter, phone call, message in a bottle at sea, nada. Don't respond if she tries to contact you. Trust me, it won't be because she wants you back. I know you'll get your hopes up and they will be crushed once again. Then you start all over again from the beginning with the compounded grief.

 

You have a goal of healing and moving on. Don't let your desire to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you get in the way of that. Avoid the ex, drop her like a bad habit and don't feel bad for doing it. Like Lowes, you can do it, we can help.

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I am feeling the same way. It has been almost five months for me and at times I have felt better but the past few days I have felt really low, not sure why.

 

I have been getting random texts from my ex, not saying anything really and then when I reply I get nothing back. the last one was two weeks today. She texted to tell me about some Sinatra programme that was on, I replied and said thanks and that was it. How bizarre! Think that is why i am feeling so low because I am analyzing it and trying to figure out what she is doing it for. Probably just bored? or feeling guilty!

 

SO I have got no advice to offer in this thread except the same old..................NC!!!! I know for a fact that contacting them only makes you feel worse. I keep thinking my ex wants me back but she is too scared to say so she is waiting for me but truthfully I think that is bollox!!! If she wants me back she is going to have to prove it to me and make an effort! I have been slapped in the face once too often and as much as I miss her and want her I am not making any more moves, it is upto her but she better act quick.

 

I suggest you do the same guys! It isnt worth the pain, I know!

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Some great advice in this thread.

 

Just further from what I was saying about me going through the exact same thing...

 

I think I agree with the NC thing, but I seem to be in a bit of a pickle right now.

 

My ex and I were great friends before we went out and we still share our really close friends that we do everything with. So NC with her would mean alot of NC with my really close mates. I don't want to not see them just because of her. I can't imagine losing the friendship with her, but it's just so hard. NC with her would mean I miss out on ALOT of great social times with my friends, but with her around it gets hard because I still want her. When I'm around her I'll often not really talk to her and sometimes ignore her. I'm starting to think that this isn't good because she'll just think I'm immature and that'll push her away even more. It's just hard to be the friends we once were. I want NC, but I don't want to miss out on the good times with friends! It's like all or nothing for me.

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Look man this really sucks, I know I have been there, I am there, probably be there in the future again.. LOL

 

In any case its not a sign of weakness to feel the way you do. Sometimes it just doesnt work out, im really sorry for. I agree you didnt deserve this.

 

My thoughts are this, sometimes you have to realize its over. And sometimes in very few cases theres a chance to salvage it.

 

Id like to tell you that you should light a candle in the window for her but..

 

I had one ex that started dating someone else after we had broke up for 3 months.. but for those 3 months I thought we might get back. Of course I went on a date, then she went on a date.. then she said something that made me furious and I deicided to date as many women as I could. I thought about her still for sure but I did develop feelings for other people then one day months later she showed up out of the blue..in fact she still pops up every so often.

 

Sitting alone you will think about it and stew. I find if im having fun im not thinking about it so much.

Something else that helps to deal with this is trying getting really angry at her.. ,aybe you will be so furious that you will feel like dating someone else just to spite her.

 

hope this helps..

 

ps SIMON uk.. uh dont expect your ex to text you back if u just write one word back.. heres an idea maybe next time tryiing phoning or see if u can invite yourself over to watch the show..

 

ciao

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Wow, thanks for all the replies people.

 

ChuckDee33, you raise some excellent points. I DO seem to put my ex up high on on the pedestal of love, when really I should be thinking of her as way down low. Yes, she is no longer than person that I used to think she is, she's changed completely and only now do I see that of her. It's funny how you actually realise what a person is like AFTER the relationship is over.

 

Your post has cleared my head a bit, and made me think about the points you make.. which in turn, make ME feel better. Thanks for that. ;)

 

I guess I'll just keep sticking to NC, and whenever I feel down about it, I'll force myself to think about the points you made ChuckDee33.

 

vix, sorry to hear about all the pain you've been through too! I know how it is, it sucks! Thanks for the input :)

 

cookies, I wouldn't know myself what to do in your situation, that's a hard one. :S

 

Well, reading these posts has brightened up my morning a bit, I think it's going to be a good weekend.. :p

 

Thanks everyone.

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Originally posted by LNY

I guess I'll just keep sticking to NC, and whenever I feel down about it, I'll force myself to think about the points you made ChuckDee33.

 

Great attitude.. Keep it up.. your on your way to healing !! ..

 

Self medication on LS ..

 

Chin up ..

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One thing though, how should I act or what should I do/say if I run into her, say at the shops, or out in a club or something?

 

Should I ignore her completely (would that be rude)?

Should I just say hi and keep walking? If so, what if she stops me to talk? What do I say? How do I act?

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Well I seen her at the shops today, but I didn't speak to her.

 

First time I seen her she was sitting in the food court with some guy from her work, eating lunch, I pretended I didn't see her and kept walking.

 

I then seen her walking, and she knows I seen her that time, but I didn't say anything or acknowledge her, and she didn't either.

 

Hopefully I've done the right thing? Or was I rude? Does it matter if I WAS rude? Probably not.

 

I noticed myself feeling a little down the first time I seen her, then I remembere'd your points ChuckDee33. :)

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Thanks LNY...you are doing the right thing. Just keep telling yourself that every day.

 

Don't feel bad for shutting her out because nothing is more important that your own happiness. And let's face it, our ex's really don't make us happy at all, no matter how much we want them to. They are an addiction! You have to treat them like one, as silly as it sounds.

 

It's very natural for us to analyze our own actions and inactions and how they will affect our ex's. If I don't do this will it make them want me back more? If I do that will it make them want me less? This is the mindset that's so hard to get rid of when you're going through something like this. It makes no difference what you do or what you don't do. Do what makes you feel best because you don't owe them anything. You're chances of reconciling won't improve with you being a nice guy about it so remember, next time you see your ex somewhere just keep on walkin. You don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they have any kind of hold on you. It's their loss, not yours.

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Thanks ChuckDee33,

 

It's very natural for us to analyze our own actions and inactions and how they will affect our ex's. If I don't do this will it make them want me back more? If I do that will it make them want me less? This is the mindset that's so hard to get rid of when you're going through something like this.

 

That's very true, that's constantly how I think.. what should I do and how I should act to win her back.

 

Well I found out some interesting news tonight. My close friend, who also got to be pretty close to my ex (as we were always together) still talks to her occasionally via sms. He told me tonight that she was still angry with me, and wished I'd get over it, and was ANGRY AT ME for taking it so hard. What the? What, so it'd make her feel better if she thought I didn't give a **** and she meant nothing to me? Weird in my books, but anyway.. She also seems to think that I'm stalking her, AND her new guy (don't know wether she's sleeping with him, seeing him, or going out with him). I don't even know his name, what he looks like, or who he is. Also, a few weeks after we'd broken up, I seen her in a club (when she told me she was staying home to study) and I didn't know how to act, and hadn't come on LS yet, and I got very angry and made a fool of myself. (She's still pissed at that too.) So right now I'm nowhere near her good books, even on a friends basis.

 

But you know what, as much as it hurts.. I don't even want her as a friend if that's the way she feels. She lied to me, about wanting to 'concentrate on her uni', and 'not wanting anything to do with guys'. As much as I want her back, I'm trying to force myself into NOT wanting her back or having anything to do with her. It's obvious she doesn't want me (as she has someone else in her life pretty much). It's obvious she wasn't happy with me, and seems to be doing well now.

 

If she wasn't happy with me, I can accept that. If she's happy now, good for her. I'm going to try not to lose any sleep or happiness over her, cause quite frankly, it ain't worth it. I think I'll just avoid places I might bump into her, aka the shopping centre she works at (even though it's close to me), or the club which she seems to be going to every week. Hopefully, in doing that, she'll eventually get the picture that I'm gone, and don't give a **** about her or her new life, and hence not 'stalking' her.

 

Any thoughts and input would be much appreciated ChuckDee33 (your help has been great so far), and anyone else.

 

I'll try to keep on battling..

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