I guess he is an ex now. Trying to cope

[pholdgrl]

I met this guy who is separated (living on his own) and sharing custody of his child with his wife. They were both dating other people - she was already on dating websites and sleeping around before he moved out. I was initially hesitant about dating him and the first two dates weren’t that great (found out he was separated with a kid on first date) but he was always gentleman when he messaged and seemed sincere so he eventually won me over. One of my girlfriends was completely against me dating him and warned me but I didn’t listen lol.

 

Fast forward to now (about 9 months of dating). Everything was going great - we were exclusive (introduced each other as bf/gf) and spent time together about 3-4 times a week - went on vacations together, dinners, etc. you know things that couples do....etc. We even started talking about marriage and kids and I thought we were on the same page on that (until at one point he mentioned he felt I was pressuring him to marry me and I made it clear there was no pressure at all and I thought we both discussed marriage once his divorce is finalized so we shouldn’t discuss any more then until we are both ready. He talked about me meeting his daughter and he told her about me, she knew my name, he showed her pics and she even made a drawing of me from one of my pics which he sent to me. He also told his ex he was dating me.

 

He is 33 and I am 34 but I’m a more financially secure etc. but that was never an issue for me. I know he is going through a divorce and paying for two households. I offered him some financial help a couple of times and even for him to move in with me but he declined. The most recent offer he “jokingly” replied that he didn’t want want to be indebted to me more than he already is (things I had done for him that didn’t need to be paid back - gifts) and he wanted to be free to leave when he wants to (we both laughed but he was speaking the truth!). He’d also done some nice things for me too within his means so it was a nonissue for me re the gifts.

 

My mother died suddenly a little over a month ago and he was extremely supportive. He met some of my family members for the first time as he went with me to the funeral. He helped a lot with other things like running errands, cooking, etc. He also had me over to meet his parents recently. His parents before even meeting me sent me a very thoughtful card and keepsake when they heard about my Mom’s passing.

 

All my friends who met him liked him and he introduced me to some of his friends too. To give some background regarding his marriage - they butted heads a lot re co-parenting issues and she wasn’t really trying to move divorce along. He wants to go the mediation route but she hasn’t made any effort to start getting things in her own name - for example she’s still on his work health insurance and all attempts to get her to research Medicaid plan have proved futile. My ex offered to do it for her and send her premium info I told him she shouldn’t have to do that for her.. She’s underemployed - working 2 days a week and is not trying to find a new job - she’s intelligent and has a masters degree. They were together for 7 years (married for 3) and basically he decided to try with her when she got pregnant (they were friends with benefits) and it didn’t work out. He’s been paying her alimony and child support (more than he would be legally obligated to pay) although their agreement is only memorialized in email. Sometimes she threatens him saying she is going to need more money if the place she works cuts back on her hours! They have also butted heads about her introducing their child to men she’s sleeping with, etc. She also lied about taking certain bills out of his name and he found out they were still in his name even though her dad was paying the bill. I know relationships are two-way street so he also has his faults. I know he would push her buttons sometimes which I would chime in and tell him to be nice and cordial with her. He admitted to also doing some mean stuff when they were together. He told me he was sad that he wasn’t with someone he truly loved and he felt obligated to try to give his daughter a two-parent household so he tried to build a family with her and stayed longer than he should have but I know he wanted his marriage to work.

 

Fast forward to break up, I was out of town to handle a personal matter related to my mom’s passing and when I got back he wanted to grab dinner. We went to dinner and had a nice time. Discussed some future travel plans and would have booked tickets at dinner but both of our phones had bad service - I already had the trip saved on Expedia but couldn’t access. He slept over and we were intimate. Next morning, we are cuddling and just making small talk and he out of the blue said he wonders (maybe “ doesn’t know” was then phrase- can’t remember) whether we have “long term viability”. I was completely caught off guard! I stood up and asked him what he meant. Why are we together and he just responded why wouldn’t we be together. I left room upset, and about 30 or so mins later he comes downstairs and joined me. He asked me why I stormed off and didn’t give him a chance to explain. So he sits next to me and starts rubbing my feet and i ask so what is he saying - do we need to break up? If he’s saying no long term, then we are done. He responded that he wasn’t sure why he said it. I pushed for more and told him there has to be a reason for the comment. Asked for the source. He just said I guess it’s just my feelings and then he didn’t say anything else. He changed topic to work and asked me about things going on in my life. After a bit I told him I need to get ready for work so he got up to leave - he took some stuff I had bought for him on my trip and also asked if he could take a beverage out of fridge which was fine. Later that day he texted me something innocuous and then asked how my day was and how work was progressing. He did not bring up what transpired earlier that day re his comment. I responded and then told him I felt our relationship had just broken down in a blink of eye but it seems he may have had some stuff on his mind re long term. He responded and said he had thought about it a little while and he was sorry he didn’t share with me when he first started thinking about it.

 

I replied that’s ok - and told him I’m glad he shared although the timing was weird. That was the last I heard from him...not a peep in 10 days.. fast forward to father’s day and I’m getting mixed advice from people saying maybe he felt I didn’t give him opportunity to explain and just jumped to breakup talk but I don’t see where I handled it poorly. I welcome any thoughts.

 

10 days neither of us reaching out doesn’t bode well for the relationship. I checked his co-parenting calendar which he had given me access to so I know when he has his child and I realized he has revoked my access! Then his ex (I know I shouldn’t have looked) who keeps her Instagram public posts a Father’s Day message re how he is a great father but the part that got to me was when she said “our daughter and I are lucky to have you in our lives.” Knocked the wind out of me - is he back with her? Doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t want to be with me.

 

I caved after seeing that post and realizing my access to calendar was no more and texted him wishing him a happy Father’s Day and asked if we could talk sometime this week as he went silent on me and that’s so unlike him. 24 hours later no response so that tells me everything I need to know. I don’t know this guy - the guy I knew wouldn’t just go silent like that and feel like a bad judge of

character.

 

I’m just very dumbfounded but my friend who never met him and warmed me not to date seems to see it pretty clearly and says it was doomed from the start. I guess I’m a fool. People who saw us together and met him can’t believe he would act that way and also especially considering my emotional state with my mom passing (not saying he should stay with me but the silence is deafening especially if we didn’t end on a bad note but I guess if he’s back with ex then he needs to cut off all contact with me).

 

I am working on sending out funeral thank you cards and his parents are on my list but I was trying to get out of not sending them one. Asked several people and the consensus is that I should send them one so I guess I will. I was very appreciative. I’m just concerned he will think that’s another way I’m trying to contact him but I don’t plan on ever reaching out to him again. I’ve now mourning two losses although the loss of my relationship pales in comparison to my mom’s passing. Hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I guess I just need to vent. Sigh.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You were his rebound.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about the death of your mother.

 

You said you don't see where you reacted badly. He asked a Q about long term viability after a prior discussion where he said he felt pressure to marry you. Instead of asking him what was driving his fear you jumped to demanding a long term commitment -- you said if there is no long term commitment, then you & he were done. Because he was questioning & you were demanding he took that as you breaking up with him.

 

I do see you as being a bit of a rebound / transitional GF for him. That happens when somebody comes out of a divorce. However, I think if you had been more empathetic about his fears, many of which probably resurfaced when he had to step up in the wake of your mom's death, this may not have been such a dramatic break.

 

Do take the high road & send the thank you card.

[pholdgrl]

Possibly. Insightful

[pholdgrl]

Thank you.

 

I wasn’t asking him to commit to longer term. I was trying to gauge/figure out the genesis of the comment and whether it was something that could be worked on if I stayed in it. If he didn’t see a future with me, then the relationship was futile so no need to keep going. If he was worried about being a provider, etc and his current financial situation triggered some insecurities, then maybe those things could be worked on but he never articulated what exactly was bothering him. To the contrary he actually tried to take it back when I asked and it wasn’t until I pressed him to open up more that he said “I guess it’s just my feelings”. I believe when he texted that afternoon like it was business as usual, had I not brought it up, he would have swept it under a rug and continued like nothing happened but I needed clarity. You’re right - l should have been more empathetic and perhaps he did feel like I was breaking up with him.

 

Yah perhaps I was a rebound. I guess sometimes you don’t know you’re not ready until you’re in the relationship and then it hits you.

 

I will send his parents the thank you card.

 

I'm sorry about the death of your mother.

 

You said you don't see where you reacted badly. He asked a Q about long term viability after a prior discussion where he said he felt pressure to marry you. Instead of asking him what was driving his fear you jumped to demanding a long term commitment -- you said if there is no long term commitment, then you & he were done. Because he was questioning & you were demanding he took that as you breaking up with him.

 

I do see you as being a bit of a rebound / transitional GF for him. That happens when somebody comes out of a divorce. However, I think if you had been more empathetic about his fears, many of which probably resurfaced when he had to step up in the wake of your mom's death, this may not have been such a dramatic break.

 

Do take the high road & send the thank you card.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever heard the phrase "perception is reality?" It means that sometimes what is true doesn't matter as much as what somebody believes is true.

 

He was feeling vulnerable so your response fed his insecurity. You both jumped to opposite conclusions that pushed you further apart.

 

To the extent that you might have been a rebound, the end was seemingly inevitable.

[notbroken]

I am sorry that happened to you. My guess is that he did feel strongly for you but was confused and just at a 'broken' part of his life. After divorcing, I realized I was somewhat 'toxic' and unable to commit at all. I had a girlfriend who was 'all in' and honestly scared me badly. I just wasn't in a position to be all that serious and she was. I broke up with her. I felt horrible for that as I knew she loved me and wanted to be with me forever but I just couldn't take the pressure. I was nowhere near ready for any kind of commitment. I felt as if I had left destruction in my wake and that I was bad for others at that time. Sad, but true. Honestly, all recently divorced people are somewhat 'toxic' to others (including themselves) for a while though many would strongly deny it.

 

8 years later I am in a way better place thankfully.

 

Because of this and seeing others do it, I think it is best to not date anyone that hasn't been divorced (not just separated) for at least one year but you may decide to do otherwise at your own risk. Best wishes.

[mark clemson]

It's possible you scared him off a bit BUT - his ghosting approach to the breakup shows immaturity or a least a lack of willingness to do what he should do (tell you where he's at) simply out of respect for what you did have.

 

You sound very willing to be flexible and supportive. I suspect there's someone better for you out there.

[pholdgrl]

To close the loop on this, he came back - i had blocked him on various platforms after numerous messages and he even contacted me at work! then he finally reached me on an old email i forgot he knew about. Of course he was full of compliments (like i needed his validation, said he loved me and wanted me back and was willing to work on it - even proposed us seeing a therapist). I am still single but I've moved on from that fiasco. I am not going back so I didn't respond!! Hopefully that was the last attempt and i will not hear from him again!

Edited August 26, 2019 by pholdgrl

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

These types of men always seem to come back. Good for you for staying strong!

 

This man is in no way ready for a relationship and staying with him would be horrible for you. I am so glad you are feeling better.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!

[preraph]

He never really stopped with his wife because his wife decided she just wasn't leaving and that she'd rather put up with him cheating than leave. I guarantee you they were still having sex off and on, or he'd have sprung for an attorney a long time ago. Once he saw he could keep her and still cheat, he wasn't about to leave.

 

I understand that even if he did leave, he likely would not have wanted to jump right back into a legal contract with a woman anytime soon. That's just the way it is. Sorry you got a lot of your time wasted here. His wife is happy as a clam again.

[pholdgrl]

Hi!

 

These types of men always seem to come back. Good for you for staying strong!

 

This man is in no way ready for a relationship and staying with him would be horrible for you. I am so glad you are feeling better.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!

 

 

Thank you, divegirl, life is too short!

[pholdgrl]

He never really stopped with his wife because his wife decided she just wasn't leaving and that she'd rather put up with him cheating than leave. I guarantee you they were still having sex off and on, or he'd have sprung for an attorney a long time ago. Once he saw he could keep her and still cheat, he wasn't about to leave.

 

I understand that even if he did leave, he likely would not have wanted to jump right back into a legal contract with a woman anytime soon. That's just the way it is. Sorry you got a lot of your time wasted here. His wife is happy as a clam again.

 

LOL you have an active imagination. Thanks you gave me a good chuckle. Who knows- people are capable of anything. I don’t feel my time was wasted as it was my choice and I knew the risk. At this point, I couldn’t care less if he got back with her or any other woman for that matter. I pray so and hope I never hear from him again!