In the verge of giving up dating

[suetoppp]

Hi guys, I have been feeling quite down lately in regards to relationships and dating, and would like some advice please.

 

I feel I'm the verge of giving up dating completely.

 

I was married for 9 years, and divorced 5 years ago. In these 5 years, I decided to take some time off to be with myself which lasted for 2 years.

 

After those 2 years, I decided to start dating again and felt like I was ready to meet someone special and be in a relationship again.

 

So, since then, I have met emotionally unavailable guys one after the other.

 

Had a couple of ONS, short term dating experiences with guys who felt very selfish, and my last experience was with a guy who felt like he was different, but ended up just being again closed off and selfish.

 

I feel exhausted and drained, frustrated and just tired of this.

 

I'm starting to think I wasn't made to be in a relationship and giving up on dating.

 

I'm fed up of advice because I have tried it all: I took time alone, I worked on my inner blockages and old patterns, I tried dating without expectations and just have fun, I read books, watched videos, I did it all, and nothing.

 

I enjoy my life, have friends, love my business, travel, etc. But dating and men is the one thing I feel I just can't get it right.

 

I just want to meet the right man and be in a loving relationship as I felt I have so much to give and to receive. But it just doesn't happen.

 

I've been so sad and down about this like you wouldn't believe and I'm started to think I should closed down that chapter of my life and give up for good.

[d0nnivain]

Giving up for good is too extreme. Taking a break sounds like just what you need.

[suetoppp]

Giving up for good is too extreme. Taking a break sounds like just what you need.

 

I'm just completely fed up, not just of dating but of believing I'll meet someone special. I just feel I'm tricking myself. And a break won't solve things, because then after the break what happens? Going back to more of the same?

[TooBad]

In my experience, you get what you want when you're not looking for it. But that might just be me.

[suetoppp]

In my experience, you get what you want when you're not looking for it. But that might just be me.

 

I'm not looking for anything anymore. I don't think I believe it anymore though.

[preraph]

It is hard to keep going once you realize what you're dealing with and that a lot of men are not going to be as deep feeling as you'd want and some just want sex and maybe cooking, and that is it, and they're no good for growing old with. It's discouraging. There are ones out there who will engage you intellectually and more emotionally, but it's hard to get pure loyalty out of them in my experience.

 

Of course, you may have to change the type guys you typically go for, and I realize that doesn't always fly either. But it's worth a shot to try to branch out a little if you keep getting the same problems and try someone not normally on your menu.

 

There's no way to tell if a man is capable of deep pure emotional feelings because so many of them operate on possessive of you sexually instead, but what you CAN observe to try to up the chances of finding quality is their ethics. You need to observe their overall ethics, which pertains to any situation in their life.

 

How did they handle their divorce?

Do they go to work diligently or do they call in sick?

Do they have the type ethic where if they're going to do something, they are going to do it the best they can -- or do they have the "cutting corners" mentality?

Have they cared for sick loved ones in the past without feeling bitter about it?

Do they have pets and do they unfailingly meet their pets needs (or their kids' needs)?

Do they do preventive maintenance on their car or wait until it breaks down? (me right now with car in the shop )

If they found a wallet on the sidewalk, would they return it to the owner or take it for themselves?

 

Overall ethics will determine whether they are responsible or irresponsible, selfish or unselfish, caring or not caring in a relationship. So when you're dating ask questions that get to the heart of those things:

Do you like your job? How long have you been doing that type of work?

Are your parents still living? Have you had to help take care of them?

 

Then as you date, observe what you can that points to their ethics. If they are doing the minimum they can get away with in their daily life, they will with you too.

[d0nnivain]

I'm just completely fed up, not just of dating but of believing I'll meet someone special. I just feel I'm tricking myself. And a break won't solve things, because then after the break what happens? Going back to more of the same?

 

It won't be the same because you will be different. By taking the pressure off & not trying just enjoying life, you may be surprised. Right now you may be trying to hard. But if you can switch to be open to something great but not expecting it or looking for it, who knows? You're right it may not work but I just don't want you to throw away somebody later because you closed yourself off.

[alphamale]

your expectations are too high Sue, you need to lower them a bit.

[alphamale]

WTF does meeting "someone special" mean anyways??

[Foxhall]

WTF does meeting "someone special" mean anyways??

 

 

yes this is a frustration us guys feel too,

 

 

lol yes ladies what is this "someone special"

 

 

It is like when I first started going to bars and clubs and the line used to be girls you are paying five pounds/ euro to get into this nightclub, what do you expect, fuxxing Tom Cruise,

 

 

look at the end of the day, will the someone special ever be there,

 

 

going back before my time, you see marriages from those eras that are lasting 50 years plus,

were expectations of women lower in those days?

 

 

I think back I suppose there has been maybe twice were perhaps I have been close to that soulmates type thing, yes this lady and I have something real,

 

 

but the majority of times, Im thinking no this lady is not really with me. She wants more from me but I am not really sure what,

 

 

hmmn-"Men are from mars, women from venus" I suppose

[suetoppp]

yes this is a frustration us guys feel too,

 

 

lol yes ladies what is this "someone special"

 

 

It is like when I first started going to bars and clubs and the line used to be girls you are paying five pounds/ euro to get into this nightclub, what do you expect, fuxxing Tom Cruise,

 

 

look at the end of the day, will the someone special ever be there,

 

 

going back before my time, you see marriages from those eras that are lasting 50 years plus,

were expectations of women lower in those days?

 

 

I think back I suppose there has been maybe twice were perhaps I have been close to that soulmates type thing, yes this lady and I have something real,

 

 

but the majority of times, Im thinking no this lady is not really with me. She wants more from me but I am not really sure what,

 

 

hmmn-"Men are from mars, women from venus" I suppose

 

Someone special means a TRUE MATCH.

 

Someone that together you lift each other up to become best versions of yourselves, and you're commited to grow together.

 

A relationship based on each one bringing wholeness and happiness, not based on neediness or toxicity.

 

Where you have something real from the heart. Someone with whom you feel "at home".

[suetoppp]

your expectations are too high Sue, you need to lower them a bit.

 

And settle for the wrong man? No thanks.

[suetoppp]

It won't be the same because you will be different. By taking the pressure off & not trying just enjoying life, you may be surprised. Right now you may be trying to hard. But if you can switch to be open to something great but not expecting it or looking for it, who knows? You're right it may not work but I just don't want you to throw away somebody later because you closed yourself off.

 

I wasn't trying anything when I met the last guy.

 

We met on Match.com and I even forgot I was there because I haven't visited the website in weeks.

 

He found me and sent me a message and I got an alert on my email inbox and found him cute so I responded to him.

 

I was actually really enjoying my life at the time I met him and didn't expecting anything.

 

Wasn't trying anything. So that theory doesn't apply.

[suetoppp]

It is hard to keep going once you realize what you're dealing with and that a lot of men are not going to be as deep feeling as you'd want and some just want sex and maybe cooking, and that is it, and they're no good for growing old with. It's discouraging. There are ones out there who will engage you intellectually and more emotionally, but it's hard to get pure loyalty out of them in my experience.

 

Of course, you may have to change the type guys you typically go for, and I realize that doesn't always fly either. But it's worth a shot to try to branch out a little if you keep getting the same problems and try someone not normally on your menu.

 

There's no way to tell if a man is capable of deep pure emotional feelings because so many of them operate on possessive of you sexually instead, but what you CAN observe to try to up the chances of finding quality is their ethics. You need to observe their overall ethics, which pertains to any situation in their life.

 

How did they handle their divorce?

Do they go to work diligently or do they call in sick?

Do they have the type ethic where if they're going to do something, they are going to do it the best they can -- or do they have the "cutting corners" mentality?

Have they cared for sick loved ones in the past without feeling bitter about it?

Do they have pets and do they unfailingly meet their pets needs (or their kids' needs)?

Do they do preventive maintenance on their car or wait until it breaks down? (me right now with car in the shop )

If they found a wallet on the sidewalk, would they return it to the owner or take it for themselves?

 

Overall ethics will determine whether they are responsible or irresponsible, selfish or unselfish, caring or not caring in a relationship. So when you're dating ask questions that get to the heart of those things:

Do you like your job? How long have you been doing that type of work?

Are your parents still living? Have you had to help take care of them?

 

Then as you date, observe what you can that points to their ethics. If they are doing the minimum they can get away with in their daily life, they will with you too.

 

That feels like really hard work. I'm tired just by reading it all.

 

But, I'm not looking for someone perfect. Some of the things you mentioned are normal human being things. Like for example the thing with the car maintenance. I do take my car at last minute to do stuff. Does that mean I have a bad relationship potential?

 

About the job, I used to hate my work and used to cut corners. Until the day I kicked the bucket and started my own business, and now is a VERY different story and I am passionate about what I do. So if I met a guy at the time I was at my job and was calling in sick and cutting corners, did that mean again that I have bad relationship potential? No, I just wasn't fullfiling my potential and now I am.

 

Things are not that black and white.

Edited May 11, 2019 by suetoppp

[d0nnivain]

Suetopp

 

Is the guy you met on Match that guy you "lash out at" from your other thread?

 

If so, you have to recognize how you are contributing to the demise of your relationships. You aren't meeting the right guy because you are not being the right woman.

 

Having boundaries is wonderful. Lashing out at somebody trying to get him to conform to your rules without consideration for his needs & wants is the wrong way to go about this.

 

Also I don't like OLD. From what I have seen, it's filled with broken people. Delete all your profiles on all of these type sites & apps. Give yourself a complete break. Then in a few months if you happen to meet somebody IRL be open to allowing that to flourish. That is what I meant by being open.

[Blind-Sided]

It is hard to keep going once you realize what you're dealing with and that a lot of men are not going to be as deep feeling as you'd want and some just want sex and maybe cooking, and that is it, and they're no good for growing old with. It's discouraging. There are ones out there who will engage you intellectually and more emotionally, but it's hard to get pure loyalty out of them in my experience.

 

.....................

I agree with some of that. A lot of guys who make it later in life without a "significant other" probably have issues of some kind, or are just looking to "Score". But there are a hand full of us who had an X go bat-crap-crazy, and just simply throw away a good guy because the "grass may be greener" from the pressure of a toxic friend. (and eventually believe their own lies)

 

 

OP... please don't give up, because there are a few of us out there.

 

Do they do preventive maintenance on their car or wait until it breaks down? (me right now with car in the shop )

......................

 

 

LOL... sorry about that, but if you were one of my neighbors, I would have fixed it for you. Even my STBxW... I told her I would do the oil change on her car for her. (did breaks on a neighbor's car last week, and had my tractor over at another neighbor's house yesterday to dig up part of their yard) I never ask for payment... but yesterday, I was paid in pizza. (But the STBxW says I don't do anything to help)

[d0nnivain]

Sue

 

You were able to reignite your passion for work by opening your own company. I suspect once you find the right match, your heart will be open to love again. FWIW, I met my husband at a business card exchange while I was trying to promote my company. I suspect you may be fishing in the wrong pond. Spend the summer loving your company / business. Then revisit the idea of a relationship.

[elaine567]

...But there are a hand full of us who had

an X go bat-crap-crazy, and just simply throw away a good guy because the "grass may be greener" from the pressure of a toxic friend. (and eventually believe their own lies)

OP... please don't give up, because there are a few of us out there.

..Even my STBxW... I told her I would do the oil change on her car for her. (did breaks on a neighbor's car last week, and had my tractor over at another neighbor's house yesterday to dig up part of their yard) I never ask for payment... but yesterday, I was paid in pizza. (But the STBxW says I don't do anything to help)

 

I know you are hurt and it is all a bit raw, but here you are displaying another trait of "men to avoid".

You blame your STBXW for all your woes. "She is to blame, I was just minding my own business..."

It is not fun, it is not sexy, it won't be believed, and the "crazy ex" defence is a big red flag.

You need to sort that out before you hit the dating scene.

[The Outlaw]

For me personally, it'd take a heck of a woman to make me open up my eyes again to dating. And it's really not easy when so many people just don't know what they want, or are in it for what they can get out it. And I should really take my own advice, but it's just all about weeding out the undesirables until you find the one that suits you best. If you find them, it'd all been worth the trouble in the end. That's the advice I was given.

[Blind-Sided]

...............

You need to sort that out before you hit the dating scene.

 

 

I agree totally, and intend to. But, there are some truth's in my words.

[suetoppp]

Suetopp

 

Is the guy you met on Match that guy you "lash out at" from your other thread?

 

If so, you have to recognize how you are contributing to the demise of your relationships. You aren't meeting the right guy because you are not being the right woman.

 

Having boundaries is wonderful. Lashing out at somebody trying to get him to conform to your rules without consideration for his needs & wants is the wrong way to go about this.

 

Also I don't like OLD. From what I have seen, it's filled with broken people. Delete all your profiles on all of these type sites & apps. Give yourself a complete break. Then in a few months if you happen to meet somebody IRL be open to allowing that to flourish. That is what I meant by being open.

 

Yes is the same guy. I lashed out at him precisely because he was being selfish and doing things that didn’t have consideration for my needs and wants.

 

I don’t have ‘rules’, but there are basic consideration things when you are in a relationship.

 

Yes I have deleted all the apps as I was finding it tedious to be in there.

 

What is IRL?

[alphamale]

What is IRL?

 

In Real Life

[suetoppp]

I know you are hurt and it is all a bit raw, but here you are displaying another trait of "men to avoid".

You blame your STBXW for all your woes. "She is to blame, I was just minding my own business..."

It is not fun, it is not sexy, it won't be believed, and the "crazy ex" defence is a big red flag.

You need to sort that out before you hit the dating scene.

 

That post was not written by me!

[elaine567]

That post was not written by me!

 

I was replying to Blind-Sided's post.

[suetoppp]

I was replying to Blind-Sided's post.

 

Ok got it