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I’m a single 28 yo female who had an on and off again affair with a married man for 2.5 years. I ended it last year, haven’t seen him for six months and haven’t heard from him for two. He was my first experience with men and the first man I loved. I don’t want to enter the affair again, and am trying to heal from the experience. I talk about it in therapy, and I try to date. Coming Saturday I even have a first date with someone. I was set up by my aunt.

 

I do my best to move on, but somehow I’m still stuck with grief. I still miss the married man. I still love him. Even though it’s quite clear from the things he said to me he doesn’t want a normal relationship with me. I even wrote down all the “nasty” things he said to me to remind me: “I don’t mind if you see someone else”, “Don’t wait for me, I can meet someone else along the way and then you’re all alone again, but I would like to continue to fill your holes”, “You will meet Mr. Right (just after we had sex)”, “I like it when your feelings for me lessen” and I can go on for a little while longer. It still makes me cry. But I still need it to remind myself he doesn’t want me. I still need it to stay away from him. But reminding keeps hurting me every time. While he is just probably living his life and not thinking about me at all.

 

I still long for him. I liked the chemistry I thought we had. What’s wrong with me? I see all my friends so happy with their lovers and children. I would love to have a relationship and for once be happy… But not with just anyone, only with someone I love. I wanted a relationship with him. I’m not that desperate to have a relationship with anyone just to have one. I know a relationship isn’t always rosy, but it’s better than being on your own. I know a good relationship would make me happy. Having my own family would make me happy.

 

My date on Saturday was almost cancelled due to a sudden change in my date’s plans. He rescheduled his other plans for me, but I took it personally and assumed he didn’t want to see me because of the way I look or because he didn’t like our texting. I took it personally and thought I wasn’t good enough. Like I wasn’t for the married man. I still carry a lot of what happened with the married man with me. I assume the date will not go well.

 

Does anyone has any advice on what I should do? Or experienced something similar: loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way? How did you get over it? It takes me so long and I don’t want to be hung up on the married guy forever. I don’t want to waste any more time.

 

Please no comments that I’m a horrible person for having an affair with a married man or that I was so naïve for believing him for so long even after he said all the above. I already know that.

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Go on the date and have fun. The fact that he rearranged his other plans so that he would be available to meet you is a very good thing. Why you would see it any other way is difficult to understand.

 

But don’t put all your eggs in one basket. He is one guy. It is one date. If it doesn’t work out or you do not like him, there will be others.

 

Your happiness comes from within - it won’t be found with a man, when you get married, or if you have children. Don’t get me wrong, those are boble goals and wonderful things. But, your happiness does not depend on any one of those things happening.

 

Happiness is a choice. Letting go and moving on from the other relationship is a choice.

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d0nnivain

There is nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately your 1st sexual experience was a bad one. When you have sex, your body releases certain bonding hormones that tie two lovers together. Yours went to him but he didn't have the receptors & he suppressed his hormones. Not intentionally, people can't control this but some people are better at keeping that part of themselves walled off; you didn't even know it was a thing. So now you are all chemically mixed up with this guy who doesn't want you the way you should be wanted when the relationship is good.

 

Stay in therapy. Work to come up with new life mantras about how you are worthy of love from the right person, a good available guy. Remind yourself that MM is a real piece of work & not a good person. Learn from your mistakes & forge forward.

 

Go into this 1st date with an open mind. Try to have fun.

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Bailey and d0nnivain expressed my thoughts exactly.

 

Nothing is wrong with you. It's just going to take time. Be patient with yourself. Don't fight letting go of him - sometimes we hold on to something that's painful just because it seems better than nothing. There is someone so much better for you out there, but you have to clear him out of your head and heart first.

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It takes a long time to heal from a toxic relationship. When a situation like that breaks your spirit, it takes a long time to rebuild. And that is ok. Be kind to yourself. I think it's a good sign that you are able to see these things about yourself - that you know that you still want this man even though he was a toxic person. You don't have to do anything about it - just recognize that is where you are right now.

 

It sounds like you are doing some work in therapy to understand how you got into this situation and I would advise you to keep going. I struggle with my self esteem too and I take things personally too. I understand that feeling of looking around and seeing other people so happy and wondering why you can't achieve it. Literally last week I was thinking that maybe there is some kind of flaw in me that people see after they get to know me. So you are not alone in your feelings.

 

The best thing you can think about is that you got away from this toxic relationship before it ate up your whole life. There are people on here that have spent 10 years and more with men that are never going to love them the way they want to be loved. You've figured it out and ended things. I love that you're going on a date. That is great!! Even if it's not the best thing ever, think about it as practice for you learning what you want in a partner. I have been out on many dates. Some of them were good, most were "meh", and a few were terrible. But they all made for good stories. My brother compared dating for me to going to the gym: you have to do it, even when you don't want to.

 

And I totally agree with the posters above: sometimes we hold onto things that are painful for us because it feels empty to let them go. The other side of that is nothing, because then that person is gone. And that is scary and uncomfortable. But, once you do let go and deal with that emptiness, you will start to be able to move on. Don't force it. Be kind to yourself and keep going in the direction you're going.

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I went on the date last night. We went for drinks. It was a good conversation, however I got the impression he wasn’t really interested. We were set up because we have had a similar youth (our dads have the same busy profession). I asked him a lot of questions, but he never asked one back (he had the oppurtunity to do so). I asked for example how his time at the university was like, but I didn’t get the same question back. He mainly talked about himself, his goals in life and the people that we know in common. He never asked something that could indicate he was interested in me as a person. It bothered me. I don’t know if there will be a second date. I wouldn’t mind if there wasn’t. Am I being too picky now? Could he be different on a second date?

 

I try to look at the date as an experience like you said, a step in the right direction, something I wouldn’t have done a while ago. But it also got me thinking it will not be that easy to find someone compatible. I installed Tinder today, but I’m skeptical about it. But what else can I do? I really want to have a relationship and experience the feeling of being in love again like I had with the married man. I miss that so much. I still miss him (however, not all the nasty things he said and did). I hope I can have those feelings again with someone else. I long for it. If so many people can find a compatible partner and have a good relationship, why can’t I? I still live at home with my parents. Do you think that would be a deal-breaker?

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A date is a try out. You tried. He didn't. You don't have to give him a 2nd chance but I would encourage you to go on one more date; sometimes people are nervous on a 1st date.

 

At 28 it's probably not a deal breaker that you still live at home. Once you hit 30, your lack of independence does present as more problematic. However, if you live in a HCOL area -- NYC. San Francisco etc. it's more understandable.

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He didn’t seem nervous. I have no intention of asking for a second date. If he wants to, I will give it another try. But if have the same impression again, I think I will cut it off.

 

What is a HCOL-area? I live in Europe ;)

 

The main reason I’m still living at home is the fact I don’t like living alone. I can take care of myself: I have a job, my own car, I do the groceries for my family, I do the household and the laundry. But I don’t like coming home to an empty house. I’m already an anxious person, I don’t think it would do me any good. But some of my friends say it’s a deal-breaker for (some) guys. Moving away only to find a boyfriend doesn’t sound a good enough reason to me. I mention it because my date did ask me about it (before we went on the date).

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Affairs are forbidden and experienced in limited stolen moments. That creates an artificial intensity that becomes addictive. You're not going to feel the same in a healthy relationship and it takes a while to get past that addiction.

 

Living with your parents probably won't phase some men at all, while it might put others off. But if it's what works for you right now, I wouldn't worry too much in the short term. You don't need to jump into anything too quickly anyway.

Edited by Finding my way
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I went on the date last night. We went for drinks. It was a good conversation, however I got the impression he wasn’t really interested. We were set up because we have had a similar youth (our dads have the same busy profession). I asked him a lot of questions, but he never asked one back (he had the oppurtunity to do so).

 

Good for you for giving it a chance. What did you learn? He is not the one. He has very poor social skills.

 

It also got me thinking it will not be that easy to find someone compatible. I really want to have a relationship and experience the feeling of being in love again.

 

I could have almost guaranteed that it wouldn’t work out before you went... do you want to know why? Just because you decide you want to date doesn’t mean that he is magically going to show up. I wish it worked like that. You are going to have to do what everyone else does... date. With any luck, you will find someone special. But, it’s not something you can force. It’s not something you can control in the same way that you can decide to study nursing and make that happen... You have to put yourself in the position where’s luck meets opportunity and hope for the best - just like everyone else...

 

Still, it was a very good, very positive, first step. Feel good about that!

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HCOL -- high cost of living area

 

In Europe I think it's more socially acceptable to live at home. Culture is more family oriented.

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Hey,

 

 

hope the date went well,

 

 

Just to say in answer to your question I do not see anything wrong with you,

 

 

the vibe I get is that you are a slightly vulnerable person who does not have all the answers yet and personally that is the type of girl I find attractive,

 

 

There are a lot of guys who will be attracted to that type of personality,

 

 

just be careful though, there are also a lot of chaps who are just looking for sex and so on, they will say the right things to you but are likely not to there for the long haul

 

 

my advice to you would be to take things slowly, hold out for the guy who is happy to get to know you, to put the bit of extra effort into dates and so on.

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OP, I think that it's great that you went on the date!! As someone upthread said, dating is trying people on. You tried him on and it wasn't a fit. The good news is that you started practicing. You've already started getting a sense of reading people and figuring out if someone is a fit for you. You're not emotionally attached to this guy right now, so you can see this objectively. I love that you said that you're ok with not seeing him again -- and that you're willing to cut him off. That is a fabulous exercise of boundaries!! One of the biggest things you alluded to in your original post was lack of boundaries with your married guy. So I think it's fantastic that you're showing some here. It doesn't come easily so getting practice with someone that you're not emotionally attached to is bound to help you the next time this comes up with someone you ARE invested in.

 

I'm getting back out there again too after getting my heart broken. It's not easy but every time we make new memories with someone else (even if it's a fleeting connection like one date) we put more and more distance between us and the person that broke us. I have faith that if I keep going and putting distance, at some point I will look up and realize I'm in a much better place.

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Thanks all for your replies. Dating is indeed not simple, and you need to have some luck. But it seems to me that everyone in my environment had that luck besides me. And that makes it very hard for me to deal with. When will I be the lucky one? Will I ever be lucky?

 

I made an account on Tinder yesterday, had a few matches (not surprisingly, literally everyone has matches on Tinder) and there was this guy that made a specific comment that made me go in alarm modus. He said it was his lucky day: sunshine and my beautiful appearance as a match… And that I should expect some more of that kind of flirting… I don’t like that comment from a stranger. I was already used for sex by the married man (took me a long time to realize it) and I don’t need that again. I’m still vulnerable from that experience. It’s remarkable: the married man made sexual comments to me when we were just only colleagues and I did not correct him for it. Now this stranger makes a player comment, not even sexually, and my hair stands straight up. Danger!!! I want to delete him as a match, or should I wait? Like my dad says, I can’t be too picky at my age. But I want to protect myself as well. I have no experience with on line dating.

 

I have a fear when it comes to dating. I want to protect myself, but at the same time you have to open up yourself with the possibility of getting hurt again. I know I would be a good partner (without sounding like a braggart), I have a lot of love to give and I long to be loved in a right way. I never experienced that before but it sounds and looks (when I see my friends) great. It was so easy with the married man. It came naturally. Dating feels forced and shallow. You meet and based on one meeting you decide if there will be a second date. Will I ever get a second date? There will be rejection regardless. That’s painful. It will be difficult for me not taking it personally. But what else can I do than online dating? My life is settled: I have my job, my fixed circle of friends. I find it difficult to meet someone the ‘normal’ way.

 

The married man is indeed still in my head and heart. I think about him every day, although the crying is less. I know I can’t have a normal relationship with him and that still hurts. When you long for a relationship and there’s someone you click with, it’s difficult to give that up. That’s why I entered the affair and it took me 2.5 years to say goodbye to him. And I know there is no going back because of all the pain he already caused me. And all the pain I caused myself. The married man said I would find another lover very soon because I’m so young.. . and gone he was, living his happy married life. Like nothing happened. He really has no clue how difficult I find this. Finding someone isn’t difficult, but finding someone right for you??? But I already think about the married man for so long and time so far didn’t diminish my feelings for him. I hope with dating I can put more space between him and me and hopefully I can find someone better for me so I don't long for him anymore. But with the dating experience so far, I’m not convinced I ever will. And that makes me sad. I don’t want to stay single...

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Are you convinced you're not giving off the vibe you're actually thinking about someone else when you're on a date? Because I'm not.

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mark clemson

I think about him every day, although the crying is less. I know I can’t have a normal relationship with him and that still hurts.

 

 

Sound like you're describing limerence, which can continue on quite a while even if the other person is gone. It WILL fade eventually, it just take a lot longer than we'd like.

 

Suggest you try to just enjoy the dating for what it is (experience) without having too many hopes or expectations for any one specific person date.

 

Tinder, as I understand it, is all about NSA sex. I'm not trying to discourage you, but it sounds like it, given how you feel, it may not be right for you. It sounds like you're seeking love, not sex.

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@TooBad

It’s different in comparison with the date I had when still seeing the married man. During that date I couldn’t stop thinking about him and even spoke about him during the date… This wasn’t the case this time. I hardly thought about him. What’s the point? It’s not like he wants me…I did think about him afterwards when I was disappointed the date didn’t go that well.

 

@marc

Are you sure those thoughts will fade away? I sure hope so and was thinking dating can help me with it.

 

My friends suggested Tinder. I know there are a lot of men (and women) on there just for sex and indeed I’m not looking for that. But I happen to know 8 happy couples in my circle of friends that met on Tinder. Even one of them is getting married next month. So, worth a try I guess?

 

What else would you suggest besides Tinder?

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You were involved with him for 2 1/2 years. It's going to take some time - as in at least a year.

 

I don't necessarily agree that what you're feeling is just limerence, I think it's likely you really did love him. But either way, yes - you will get over it as long as you keep working on letting it go. The more you allow yourself to dwell on your feelings and/or have any hope (be honest with yourself) that you might get back together, the longer it will take to move on.

 

Get involved in hobbies and activities you enjoy that will help you meet and interact with others. You'll probably feel more confident and good about yourself and maybe you'll meet some interesting guys.

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OP, I have had the exact same thought about when will it be my turn to find someone. THE EXACT SAME. So you aren't the only one.

 

Tinder does have a reputation for casual dating (ahem) but I also know many people who met boyfriends or fiancees on there, so I wouldn't rule it out. Have you considered Bumble? On that app, the woman has to make the first move (by texting the man) but it weeds out a little bit of that ickiness (not all of it unfortunately). I'm on Hinge and have found pretty positive experiences so far.

 

Or maybe you're just not ready to date. I don't think there is anything wrong with just being for a while. As for what your Dad said - what a load. Sure, we can be too picky when it comes to some things. If we're waiting around for a millionaire astrophysicist with perfect 6 pack abs that volunteers at the animal shelter, THAT'S too picky. Not wanting a man to treat you badly? That is about boundaries and respecting/loving yourself (I'm working on this too). You don't have to go out with a man that gives you the creeps just because you're worried that you won't "find someone". I'm a lot older than you and I'd rather sit at home and watch the Bachelor than go out with a man that is creepy. Believe that you are worth a good, quality man who will adore you and treat you with respect. And until that happens, let's both try to treat ourselves like that.

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My daughter uses Bumble. The girl must message first. That eliminates all those messages from guys only looking for one thing. Hopefully, you have Bumble over there?

 

Do you have single friends? Can you join a club or group related to a hobby (if you like hiking, or a sport, etc.)? The more people your age you meet, the more chance you'll have of catching someone's (sincere) eye, or them catching your eye.

 

Don't give up. Give yourself a little time to heal, but get out there so that you know there ARE guys who will not make you feel bad, the was he made you feel.

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Thanks for your suggestions! We have Bumble here in Europe, I will definitely check it out. Never heard of it.

 

What is the difference between limerence and love?

 

If I’m honest with myself, sometimes I hope there’s still a chance for him and me (I’m only human I guess), but I try to counter those thoughts with the things he said which then make me cry. I wasted 2.5 years. I feel I don’t have much more time to waste because I want to have children. It seems that no dating is no option for me, regardless how I feel. I also see dating as a tool to get me over him. There must be better men out there!?!

 

I didn’t hear from him for two months and yesterday I had a voicemail… from him. He wanted to know how I was doing and if I wanted to meet just as friends because I’m one of the few people he felt really close to. And if I don’t want to meet, if I want to have regular contact by phone. He called with a number that wasn’t blocked. I didn’t reply, but it made me uncomfortable. Anxious. But at the same time even a little bit hopeful. Stupid, because I don’t need this mess again. I know he doesn’t want me, I even told him I cannot be friends because of that and now he’s asking me to be his friend? This messes with me. I don't understand him.

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No, you can't just be friends, you still love him and want more. And he most definitely is hoping you'll have sex again.

 

As far as him wanting to be "friends", is he telling his wife he's trying to get together with you, as a friend? If not, you're still a secret, and friends are not kept hidden away. Being hidden is damaging to your self-worth.

 

Don't let him waste any more of your time. The longer you let him mess with your head, the longer it will take for you to get over him. You have to cut all contact before you can even start healing.

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You’re absolutely right. The married man called again and I answered. Literally nothing has changed. He wants to meet as friends because we’re such good friends. And if anything should happen during our meeting, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Asked if I had another boyfriend yet and if I had sex with that boyfriend (so I would confirm he’s the best I ever had, not because he’s jealous. I know his thinking by now). Made some other sexual “jokes”. Told me it’s been too long since he had a young p*ssy.. Literally nothing has changed. I know if I meet him again, I will open a box of pain again. I don’t need that. I told the married man again to leave me alone. We’re not friends. My friend would understand that I’m in pain and that he should leave me alone to get over it. My friend would honor my request. My friend would not contact me for using me for sex again knowing I long for a real relationship which he can’t give me. A real friend would have some empathy. It really hurts realizing he doesn’t give a damn about me and my feelings. While I loved him sincerely. My real friends say being alone is better than being with this guy. Even though I hate being alone.

 

The married man filled a void which is painfully present again. I so long for a relationship and have a lot of love to give. Every morning and every evening I have an one hour drive to and from work. Since the conversation with the married man I cry in my car on my way to and from work. I cried every time this week. My younger brother makes fun of me because I’m still single and he knows it hurts me. ‘When is the last time you’ve seen a penis?” he said last week before he took off spending the weekend with his girlfriend.

 

I’m in pain. I cry and I cry and it just doesn’t stop. My heart hurts literally. Tinder isn’t going very well, but that’s quite normal when I ask for advice from my friends who used the app. However, it’s really demotivating. I just want love in my life. I know I’m not the prettiest one, but me being overweight cannot be the (only) reason I’m still alone. And besides, a lot of overweight people find love. I’m working on it, but it is hard being motivated about it because of the way I’m currently feeling. And I’m so sick of feeling this way. I want to have love in my life. Being normal like my friends. Being happy like my friends. Spending the weekend at my boyfriends’ like my brother. Experiencing love like most people do. Having children of my own someday.

 

I know these are things I cannot control, but the possibility of never finding and experiencing (real) love really scares me. How can you cope with that? It seems I just can’t. No, I cry. I hope I will not have this future where I will be all alone, but it’s quite possible it will be the case (although people tell me to be hopeful because you cannot know what the future will bring). I don’t want that future! I want a husband, children, a family. But I don’t know if I ever will and that makes me really sad… I don’t know what to do. I feel so stuck (and alone). :(:(:(

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Oh my goodness, what a douche. I would advise you to screen all your calls for a while and do not answer calls you don't recognize. This guy is clearly not your friend. You've pegged it exactly: if he really was your friend, he would give you space and let you move on. What he said about what he wants actually made me gag.

 

I would suggest maybe not dating for a while. I don't think you're ready and that's fine. Take some time to grieve everything and to rebuild yourself. There is no time limit on when you "should" be ok. When I've tried to date before I was healed, it's only made me feel worse.

 

I'm sorry it's such a struggle. I 100% think once you get free of this guy you will start to heal after an initial period. He is keeping himself tied to you. Have you ever considered telling his wife about the two of you or forwarding his messages to her? That might be the only thing to stop this mess.

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I considered telling his wife, but I don’t think it would do me any good. I was quite firm when I told I didn’t want to see or hear from him again, so maybe this time the message is understood. I know I still care for him, but what else could I do? Nothing has changed. I still would be #753 on his priority list. That hurts a LOT. I don’t need that in my life anymore.

 

I was already afraid I wouldn’t find a good partner before I met the married man. I was 25 then, now I’m 28. That fear is still very much present, certainly when I watch my friends with their partners and children and me all alone. I want that as well, so I don’t need to lose any more time with the married guy. Never again will I put myself in a situation like that again. I was so lonely and the attention felt nice. However, I’m still lonely.

 

The fact that I’m being mocked about my relationship status also doesn’t add to the already crappy feeling I have. Yesterday my brother said he actually hopes I stay alone so my inheritance would go to him and his family when I’m gone…

 

I feel I cannot waste any more time, hence my Tinder profile. I don’t want to be lonely anymore nolanola. I’m sick of feeling so alone and unhappy. I know people only want to date happy people, so I don’t think I’m a catch right now however during chatting I guess you can’t derive I’m that unhappy. But OLD is so weird.

 

You think it’s better to stop dating for a while? Didn’t you feel any pressure during your single moments (I don’t know your whole story, I’m sorry). It’s very painful for me being alone. I still cry about it every day. It has to do with the married guy, but also with the fact that OLD isn’t going very well and the realization it will be hard to find a suitable partner. I blame myself for not dating sooner. I blame myself for being so overweight during college so I didn’t go out. I blame myself for the affair with the married guy. I will be 30 next year. I never even had a normal relationship! Sometimes it feels like I have missed my moment. Does that sadness ever go away if you don’t have a partner? It seems having a partner is my solution for my crappy feeling. I understand it would not make disappear all my problems, but I’m convinced I would feel a lot better having a normal, loving and stable relationship. And I’m convinced I will continue feeling crappy without a partner. What’s your opinion/experience?

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