Writing a letter to an ex?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Im wondering if anyone has any experience in getting closure from sending an ex a letter?

I've already written tons of emails and we've had hundreds of conversations about it, but I keep repeating myself over and over again as he doesnt believe my words. I've literally got no one to talk to or process the breakup with so I've obviously been turning to him about it (i tried reaching out on here which turned out to be a terrible idea...). I know its a **** idea to do so, but I got no one else. Finding a shrink to talk to about it would put me on a two year waiting list and I've already been struggling with the breakup for 8 months and would rather move past it as he doesnt seem to ever come back again.

 

I thought that maybe putting it down on paper will have a larger impact and maybe I could get a little closure from it so the pain will get easier for awhile. I plan on sending it, but I'm fairly certain he won't read it and even if he would, he certainly wouldn't respond with anything but "it's better this way, im sorry". But at least I'll know ive tried everything and tried to explain my pain through it all the best way I could. He's enforcing NC so cant reach him any other way either at the moment.

 

I dont know. I just hope it'll take my mind of it for a few days once ive sent it. To get a little closure. What's your experiences?

[basil67]

I asked my ex-h to return a book of mine. He wrote a heart felt thing on the front page - I carefully removed the page, screwed in in a ball, threw it in the bin and never mentioned it to him. The only impact it had was to remind me that I really wanted to move on from him.

[darkmoon]

you are living in the past and staying there due to fear of the future

[Loveisonlyformovies]

i don't really care what he does with it, im just looking for peace of mind. Hes moved on since ages ago.

 

And sorry, but what is the point in stating the obvious? And how is that related to my post? I just wanna know if sending it will bring me any relief or if itll leave me feeling even worse. I already know it wont change a thing for him.

[d0nnivain]

Writing out your feelings may help you sort & process them. Sending the letter to him will not give you closure. Closure come from within. It does not come from the other person. You first have to accept that the relationship is over & he's not coming back. You have yet to accept that. No matter what you say, the truth is that you want to send this letter to him because you hope he will read it, have a change of heart & will come back to you. That is not going to happen. He will probably just throw it out without reading it. Even if he does read it, the letter will either make him annoyed that you can't take no for an answer, or it will cause him to laugh at you.

 

If you think you will get peace from writing & sending the letter, go ahead. We can't stop you. However my experience is that you will simply be wasting your time, paper & the price of a stamp.

[Cersei]

It seems you want someone to confirm that this is indeed a good idea that will give you closure. I doubt you will get that here.

 

Sending The letter will not give you closure as people above have stated. You need to accept it's over and move on. 8 months of this is enough. Pick your feet up off the ground and forget him already; it's over.

 

I think you need to try a bit harder to find a counsellor or therapist. I don't know where you live but 2 years on a waiting list seems a bit ridiculous.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

It seems you want someone to confirm that this is indeed a good idea that will give you closure. I doubt you will get that here.

 

Sending The letter will not give you closure as people above have stated. You need to accept it's over and move on. 8 months of this is enough. Pick your feet up off the ground and forget him already; it's over.

 

I think you need to try a bit harder to find a counsellor or therapist. I don't know where you live but 2 years on a waiting list seems a bit ridiculous.

 

Health care in my country is ****, it's not my fault. Not even my ex got any help whatsoever until he almost died. (He gets meds now but still waiting for a proper therapist and it's been over a year.)

And it's not "8 months of this"... Up until 1.5 month ago he kept telling me he'd probably come back because he still loved me. Ive had good reasons to not nove on sooner. This kind of feels like breaking up all over again.

[FMW]

If you send the letter you will at least subconsciously be waiting for a response from him and be even more hurt when none comes. If you just want to get the emotions out, write the letter and then burn it. You getting over him isn't about him hearing/reading your feelings.

 

As far as it having been 8 months and you wanting to move past it, the key is acceptance that it's truly over, letting go of any hope you have for reconciliation. I understand you held on until a month and a half ago because he was giving you hope. But now let that hope go, have no contact with him and he won't be able to give you any more false hope.

[preraph]

Your self-esteem is so low that after doing all this already in email with only being rejected, you now want to put it in writing and in the mail. You are simply going after further humiliation. By now, he thinks you're crazy because you can't take no for an answer and leave him alone. If I were him, I'd have a restraining order by now.

 

He doesn't want you. He never will. It's over. Move on.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

We have kids together. I have to keep him around.

Maybe I just need to hear him say that he doesn't want me and never will then. Hes never really said it. If he truly feels nothing for me and all hope is dead, why did he sleep with me two weeks ago and even give me a goodbye kiss when going back home? His words and actions don't match up. They never have.

 

Writing and burning it is pointless, that's the same as not writing it down at all. He probably won't read it, but it needs to be sent to have any effect at all. I just dont know if I should stay "sweet" or be brutally honest and stab him where I know itll hurt. I hate both wanting to see him suffer and see him happy at the same time. He surely deserves the brutal truth, but its a 90% chance it'll push him to kill himself and i don't want that. :/

[FMW]

Every man who's ever strayed from me has always been up for having sex with me again, that didn't mean they wanted me back in any meaningful way. Don't confuse your motivations and feelings for his. We women fail to appreciate the differences in the way men operate to our detriment.

 

Sounds like you have your mind made up to send the letter.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I suppose. I just no longer know what my motive for it is.

[d0nnivain]

If he truly feels nothing for me and all hope is dead, why did he sleep with me two weeks ago and even give me a goodbye kiss when going back home? His words and actions don't match up.

 

He did that because you let him. He got easy sex. He's giving you hope so you stick around stay tied to him, take care of his kids & give him easy sex. It's a win win for him. You remain dangling on his string but he is not obligated to put in effort.

 

You won't be free of this self imposed prison until you establish real boundaries. You are not yet ready to do that so you keep waiting & hoping that this mentally ill man who has RAPED you will suddenly become a good guy & fulfill all your romantic dreams. Never gonna happen.

 

If you send this letter & he ignores it, are you still going to hope? Are you going to blame it on the postal system & delude yourself into believing that he didn't respond because the post office didn't deliver it? How long are you prepared to wait?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I wouldnt call it easy, last time took way more persuasion than usual to get his clothes off. Each time he's here, it's like he never left. He tries to fight it but it can't be avoided. Him coming here is the only way for him to see his kids so hard to keep the boundaries when he sleeps in our bed (with our son in between us).

 

I dont have any romantic dreams. Im just old fashioned and believe in keeping the family together no matter what. He has other strengths that would make him a good partner through life.

 

My hope will die soon even if he doesn't respond. He plans to move back to his home country within two months and then I'll probably never see him again. He'll probably come and see his kids one last time before that though, so I guess he'll confirm that he chose not to read it then

[d0nnivain]

When he comes over to see your children, he needs to sleep in a hotel. At the very lease he needs to sleep on the couch.

 

You think you can hang on to him with sex. You can't.

 

If you write this letter & he responds with anything less then some indication that he wishes you were dead or that he never met you, you will believe there is hope. He'll probably say something that will keep you hanging on. That breaks my heart for you.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

He can't afford an hotel, I even have to pay his train tickets here. My couch is new so he's not allowed to sleep in it

 

I dont think I can hold on to him with sex. He cheated on me repeatedly after all. I just have a huge sex drive and cant get laid elsewhere.

 

He's told me that multple times, and ive said the same to him (I didnt expect him to actually try killing uimself directly after though). Of course I'll keep hoping but once he's in a new relationship, id never consider taking him back. Im just trying to find a way to not beat myself up over the past 4 years so that I can actually start doing something with my life thatll make me hate it a bit less.

[preraph]

So the only reasons he's still even seeing his kids is because you pay for him to come and then have sex with him. Sex is sex. It's no indication of love from a man. Men are in love with sex. Can't fathom why he'd be suicidal and he doesn't sound like it. He chose to leave so if he's suicidal, there's nothing you can do about it. Having this kind of chaos around the kids is a terrible example. You're teaching them right now what to put up with and how to treat women.

[stillafool]

You're right that you can't hold on to him with sex. He is never the one who is trying to get you in bed it is always you trying everything possible to get him between the sheets when he tries to visit his kids. You say you have to keep him around because you have kids together; yet you don't make him financially support his kids and you take money that is meant for them to pay for travel tickets so YOU can see him. You forcing yourself on him sexually is not him wanting you. The only way to heal yourself is accept that it's over and like he told you he isn't coming back. Yes, it would be very therapeutic for you to write him a letter and pour out all of your feelings. You are correct that he more than likely won't read it. I've had letters written to me by my ex husband that went straight to the trash can when I got them. Not because I was still bitter but because I was now bored with the same old song and dance. That is probably how your ex is feeling now. You should write the letter and then throw it away or put it away.

[Blanco]

Done it a few times and never really felt any better from it. Certainly not any better than if I'd just written it and hung on to it. At least that way no one has a paper trail of my deepest emotions.

[preraph]

Instead of writing out my deepest emotions, I once found it most therapeutic to write a country song called "If I Had the Chance I Wouldn't Do It All Over Again." And let THAT get back to him.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

You're right that you can't hold on to him with sex. He is never the one who is trying to get you in bed it is always you trying everything possible to get him between the sheets when he tries to visit his kids. You say you have to keep him around because you have kids together; yet you don't make him financially support his kids and you take money that is meant for them to pay for travel tickets so YOU can see him. You forcing yourself on him sexually is not him wanting you. The only way to heal yourself is accept that it's over and like he told you he isn't coming back. Yes, it would be very therapeutic for you to write him a letter and pour out all of your feelings. You are correct that he more than likely won't read it. I've had letters written to me by my ex husband that went straight to the trash can when I got them. Not because I was still bitter but because I was now bored with the same old song and dance. That is probably how your ex is feeling now. You should write the letter and then throw it away or put it away.

 

Really? You're accusing me of rape now? How mature. Sex is NOT the reason to why I think he's still doubting his decision when here. It's the cuddling, conversations, him cooking me breakfast and just us laughing together. Those few moment where it feels like the past year never happened.

 

He moved out while he was severely ill. Its hardly to be compared to a normal breakup. His exams are now closing up and I know it has a huge impact on his mental health. He's also getting used to new meds at the moment, so he's hardly himself. He's a curious guy, so he might actually want to read it. Though I just started writing page 9 so he could be overwhelmed by the amount. I feel like I cant trust his wkrds in his current state. I wont believe them until he's out of the country.

Putting it away instead of sending it would ruin the entire point of it. Just putting it on paper is useless. It's not like I can actually humiliate myself more than i already have. Even if he just throw it away, at least I will know I did absolutely everything i could. I don't wanna end up thinking "what if" five years from now. But then I have to keep it somewhat sweet rather than vicious. I believe karma will give him what he deserves eventually. At least my other ex got it and it's an awesome feeling when that happens.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Also, it's not my job to make him pay and the state has deemed him too poor to have to pay right now. My kids are ridiculously spoiled and ive never taken any money that should have gone to them and spent on my ex. That is a ridiculous accusation.

[Blanco]

Really? You're accusing me of rape now? How mature. Sex is NOT the reason to why I think he's still doubting his decision when here. It's the cuddling, conversations, him cooking me breakfast and just us laughing together. Those few moment where it feels like the past year never happened.

 

He moved out while he was severely ill. Its hardly to be compared to a normal breakup. His exams are now closing up and I know it has a huge impact on his mental health. He's also getting used to new meds at the moment, so he's hardly himself. He's a curious guy, so he might actually want to read it. Though I just started writing page 9 so he could be overwhelmed by the amount. I feel like I cant trust his wkrds in his current state. I wont believe them until he's out of the country.

Putting it away instead of sending it would ruin the entire point of it. Just putting it on paper is useless. It's not like I can actually humiliate myself more than i already have. Even if he just throw it away, at least I will know I did absolutely everything i could. I don't wanna end up thinking "what if" five years from now. But then I have to keep it somewhat sweet rather than vicious. I believe karma will give him what he deserves eventually. At least my other ex got it and it's an awesome feeling when that happens.

 

I don't see any accusation of rape, so let's cool down a bit there.

 

If you're "on page 9," that would not only suggest that you have written nine pages, but that you are still adding to this letter. Please do not send something like that. I wouldn't want to get that long a letter from someone I wanted to be with, let alone an ex.

 

Right now, it sounds like you're incredibly vindictive and you just want this guy to feel some of the hurt that you are carrying. That's understandable, but we have this way of thinking that our words have the ability to really impact a person who has already left us behind. That's just us projecting how we'd feel in that position, but that's because we're still so emotionally invested in that person.

 

I can tell you right now that you'll send that letter and when he either ignores it or derides it, you will feel crushed. I've been in your position. I've written these things for "closure" or to say "goodbye." But deep down, I always was looking to trigger some sort of a response from that person. It usually didn't go that way, and it was crushing.

[basil67]

Really? You're accusing me of rape now? How mature.

 

I didn't write it but I certainly thought it. Sex should only happen when there's enthusiastic consent from both parties. Having to try much harder than normal is called coercion, and if you were a man, you'd get slammed for this. Given we now have equality, your actions are just as unacceptable as if a man did it.

[todreaminblue]

If you can send the letter without any hope of reconciliation ...simply send the letter to know what is in that letter allows you to write and for him to know what you never got a chance to say ...then send it.....dont have any expectations ....other than the closure you want and need to move on.....deb