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Clarity and trying to move on


meaghans1

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meaghans1

Hey All,

 

A few months ago I posted amidst an emotional crisis, feeling so shameful and lost after an abrupt breakup. Where as I’m still trying to cope, I feel myself still desiring to get opinions about what happened. Now, that my rosencolored glasses have fallen off I’m here to retell it with a little less desperation.

 

My ex and I were dating for only 4 months, things went fast. We fell for each other fast. I fell in love, he, clearly didn’t. But up until the day he left, made me feel that I was the thing he wanted most.

 

Right around Christmas he left for vacation with his family. I stayed home and had to work, I watched his dog for about 4 days. When he got on the plane I had this feeling in my stomach like he was hiding something. Throughout our relationship, despite how fast things had moved. I felt that I couldn’t get deep with him. I haven’t had an easy life, like most people. Life isn’t easy but I’ve tried to make the most of mine. He never inquired about my journey or hardships, which, don’t need to be a negative thing. But in order to have emotional connections, we have to have conversations that dive deeper than surface level.

Anyways. He gets to Florida and becomes somewhat mute. I check in with him, but he doesn’t really carry out the conversation. Monday ( Christmas Eve rolls around) I’m getting off of a 12 hour shift at the hospital. I open my phone and see that he’s sent me a naked photo ( mirror shot of him with boxers on) I answer him and say something along the lines of ooo la la. As I’m crawling into bed, about an hour later my phone goes off and it’s him, sending me the same naked photo again. My heart drops, as any females would. Wondering if he’s sending the photo to someone else and accidentally sent it to me again. I replied and said “ oh you already sent me that” he replies quickly and says “ hmmm I didn’t t press anything for it to send twice, I guess you just get two copies.” I shrugged it off and tried to not let it get to me. However, from that moment on he was texting me much more, being 10x more attentive then the ghost of the boyfriend he had been in the days prior. The following day, he sends me a photo of him and his brother on the beach. An hour later, the same photo comes through. I didn’t address it, I could see at this point what he was doing. He told me that 75 % of the time his photos send twice. Not once, in the entire time we had dated, had any photos sent twice. And the one time it did happen, was a naked photo.

I picked him up from the airport two days later. I addressed it with him. He then said “yeah sometimes I have to hold down the photo for it to send.” Which, goes against what he said prior of “hmmm I didn’t press anything for it to send twice”. He was acting distant, and kind of like a dick. We slept together that night but it felt different, I felt it my heart.

The following morning he said “ did I tell you how some girl tried to pick me up in the airport?” I said no. What did she say? He said, “she said oh did your girlfriend buy you that sweatshirt and I said no but she really likes it, she then just felt awkward and walked away.” Confused as to why he’d tell me this story at the time, looking back I now know it was because I was catching onto something, whatever that something was.

Two days later and I’m working at the hospital, I barely hear from him. I text him on a night shift, asking him how his night is ( Friday night) and he never replies. I call him in the morning, no answer. He calls me back a little while later and I go over. I sit in bed with him and I tell him that something feels off, and he’s not the same guy he’s been. He holds my hands an assures me that he wants our relationship, and tells me that my feelings are likely related to being overworked and being on my period. ( yeah, he went there)

That evening we have dinner, have a somewhat normal night despite feeling that I’m walking on egg shells and pissing him off simply by breathing. The following morning he’s on his phone, I glance over when he doesn’t see me looking and he has his snapchat open. On it are a list of girls I’ve never heard of. He had one best friend on his snapchat. For those who don’t know snapchat - whoever you snap / talk to the most- tally’s and are put under your best friend list. There was one female under his best friend section and she was the last person he had talked to.

I looked up her jnstagem and my jaw literally fell to the floor. LITERALLY, half naked mirror photos, by far one of the most slutty instagrams I’ve ever seen. She was also 20 years old. And was a bartender at the bar below his new work. I asked him then and there, who is this girl. He became defensive and told me that he was allowed to have friends. I said of course you are, I’d never keep you from that. But this is a 20 year old chick and I’d like to know a bit about her. With a defensive tone he told me they “used to hangout and never had sex, we never hooked up!” - I said, I never asked you that but thanks for clarifying. What does she snap you? He said “idk Meaghan pictures of her face.” I said ok, so some chick who is 11 years younger than you who you used to be involved with is snapping you selfies? Seems pretty ****ing weird. I told him it didn’t sit well with me, he wouldn’t look me in the eye. He asked that we drop it as he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I sat there, crying, holding onto someone who was making hurting me a pattern. He stormed into the house in front of me. Later we laid on the couch and I tried to be affectionate, burying my worries. He was acting like a dick and I said what’s the problem drew? He said, you’re demanding too much attention from me. I walked to the bathroom, sat on the bathroom floor. Cried. And cried and cried. I came out, I said I feel like I’m trying to fix something and you keep saying one thing but act completely different, I’m at a loss. I said drew, your actions indicate you’re going to leave this, he turned to me and put his head in his hands. He looks up and me and says you deserve better than me. I said tell me why. He said I want to be alone, I have enough to worry about with my friends and family, I can’t worru about you. I fell apart, into a million tiny pieces. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I said I want a better reason, I want the truth. He said I’m giving you the truth. He said he was going to probably be celibate for 6 months. I then left. And he stood at the door and watched me as I walked to my car. . We spoke on the phone a little later amidst me falling apart and I said I can’t do this, I have nothing left right now. ( I met him after getting cheated on, I’d just moved to Denver from Maine and had a new job as an oncology nurse and hadnt made friends. We had spent every moment together. He told me the people at work would support me, at the end of the call he asked. Will you be ok? I said, **** you.

 

I never got any proof of the cheating/ shadiness. I also realized that when I asked him about prior relationship he always blamed the other person. I sent him a text a day later, blaming myself, apologizing for being “too much”- I know they say you shouldn’t regret things but I do regret ever apologizing for someone else’s shortcomings.

 

Anyways, I guess now, that I feel I dodged a bullet, I’m interested in what people think as I summarize this from a more realistic perspective. Thanks for your thiughts

 

I’ve been 4 months no contact. I’ve never heard from him. Not a word, no deeper explanation. No remorse, nothing. I think the hardest thing has been letting go of the person I thought he was. If he was the person I thought he was- he wouldn’t have been shady or left, he would have fought for me. These past 4 months I’ve felt like a shell of the woman I was when I met him. I lost 15 pounds, laid in bed, almost lost my job, but never once texted him. I know it’s minimal but despite the pain I never gave him my attention. In my mind - I feel that he felt I was catching onto him and left out of guilt, and his behavior towards me was a projection of his wrong doings. I’m scared to love again, I’m seeing someone casually, but I can’t fully open my heart, I feel so closed off, I feel scared to go out in Denver out of fear of seeing him. I want to be able to sit with myself, and love myself. And stop blaming myself, despite what my gut feeling tells me about who he is and what he was doing. It’s peaks and valleys, and despite the pain he caused I still at times yearn for his apology, for his affection, I was so sure I’d found my person. I guess as I write this I realize that there is still pain here, there is still loss.

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d0nnivain

Dating is a try out. Yours was a short relationship. You trusted your gut & got proved right.

 

You did dodge a bullet. He's in your rear view. Leave him there. He's not worth all the damage you are doing to yourself.

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mark clemson

It sounds very much like this guy didn't want monogamous dating. There's nothing wrong with that. He could have been open about it.

 

Think if he's deceptive about that, he'll be deceptive about other things.

 

Anyways, I guess now, that I feel I dodged a bullet

 

I think you're probably right about that. It also doesn't sound like he was ready to give what you wanted from the R.

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mark clemson
I really am trying to move on. It’s like this cyclical pattern and he’s stuck in my head.

 

Possibly this is limerence. Research it a bit (Wikipedia should be fine). If it's limerence, unfortunately you'll have to wait it out. In the meantime, socializing and starting/trying to move on romantically will help a bit to alleviate the distress. Also exercising, distractions such as novels or TV, and spending some time in nature every day.

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meaghans1
It sounds very much like this guy didn't want monogamous dating. There's nothing wrong with that. He could have been open about it.

 

Think if he's deceptive about that, he'll be deceptive about other things.

 

 

 

I think you're probably right about that. It also doesn't sound like he was ready to give what you wanted from the R.

 

Thanks mark - that’s the thing I asked him when we first started dating if he wanted that. He said yes, we made things official. And he was showing me off to his friends and family. And then bam, all this crap. I struggle with the disposable feeling, and with feeling embarrassed for being so upset when he broke up with me. He said what do you want me to do start giving you hints? And had you not asked me if I was going to breakup with you I would have waited but our relationship was going to end anyways when I go to law school.

 

I said , no, I don’t want hints, I want communication. You stringing me along knowing that you’re unhappy isn’t a mature option either. And that’s news to be about us breaking up for your education because I told you from the beginning I was looking for something serious and asked specifically about you going to law school thinking maybe it’s not a great Idea to get involved. But he told me that was a year away and he didn’t want us ending anytime soon.

 

It’s like, I rethink all the moments that genuinely felt real. How he was with me. It was so confusing the night I left his house as he literally just stood at his door watching me. I waited for him to get up and chase me. We both had expressed that the other made each of us very happy. But how could any of it been real if he threw it away as easily as he did. Or how could he actually care like he said he did if he never checked in or gave compassion that night.

 

The cyclical thoughts feel like my memories which I felt were real fighting with my reality that this relationship is over. I’ve stated out loud, I forgive you for me a thousand times. I thought what I had were breakthroughs. But then I end up in the same spot, self loathing as I reply my displayed emotions to him that night and the things I wish I had done or said differently.

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mark clemson

Yeah, it sounds like he did a rather cruel and unfair thing by suggesting this would be a big deal and then doing the other things he did.

 

Maybe he was trying to see if he was ready for more but then figured out he wasn't. Or maybe he sincerely felt that way for a while but then changed his mind when 20-something started texting him half naked pics. Or maybe he was just being selfish from the start and told you it was serious so you'd be more into him.

 

The sad truth is that unfortunately you'll almost certainly never know + now you are left dealing with the (emotional) fallout.

 

As you know, though, these feelings fade eventually. Cope with them, process them, and eventually they'll be gone.

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