Healing and Moving Forward from Sudden Breakup

[smellysocksuni]

I wanted to create some sort of record about my journey through this really quite difficult time, and I thought that this would be a good place to do it.

 

I'm currently in NC with this person. I've never attempted this with them before, but she has broken up with me for the second time. The first time I was convinced it was over and didn't expect her to return. She did, and the discard the second time was much worse than the way she broke up with me the first time. The way she is acting now is also worse; there seems to be no pattern to her behaviour on this occasion and she is routinely angry with me, or rude, or aggressive, or she just simply ignores me.

 

I realise that this is a pattern that will only continue. My rational mind knows this. My emotions want her to come back, all I can think about is the love-bombing and all the nice things she said. I'm sometimes convinced that if I say the right thing, or if I persist with messaging her, she'll come back and we can get back to that. Even though it's probably true that she will discard me again in an even worse way - I dread to think how I'd react or what that would be like. It's that knowledge that is propelling me into this NC, even though it really isn't what I want to do.

 

I've been five days without contacting her, now. People think she'll reach out at some point; I doubt it. This is so confusing. I want her to, then I don't, then I really want to contact her, then no, why should I?

 

I'm fed up of feeling like this. She doesn't seem to be affected at all.

 

It appears that she's some kind of 'Narc', too. Her behaviour is really in line with everything I've read and been told about it. She has BPD, too. I try to believe she meant all those nice things, but how can she have? She doesn't even care enough to listen to how I feel. I was blocked and sworn at the last time I tried to express my feelings.

 

I just wish I wasn't really going through this, that I didn't have to go NC, that I could just be with her and that she wasn't abusive.

[smellysocksuni]

I really have to try and remind myself - even if she were to come back, to act as if she was madly in love with me again, see me every day, talk to me constantly... she'd only do this to me again, wouldn't she. And even though I know this, and would be expecting it, it would hurt more. And I'd have to go through this again.

 

How many times can I really go through this, that's what I need to ask myself. How many times can my life be disrupted in this way? How many times can I suffer with poor mental health caused by this person's actions? How many times can I be emotionally torn apart by this person? She has done it twice, now. Twice should be more than enough. Once should have been enough, really.

 

How can I still believe that this person ever cared about me in the way they were describing, or that they ever meant anything they said? They clearly don't. That breaks my heart. Everything I felt and said was real. All I wanted from her was not to do this again. All I want is just to tell her how I feel, but she won't even allow me to - not once, since the anger outburst has she apologised, asked me how I am, let me speak about how I feel. I feel stifled and suffocated and frustrated. This entire thing has been on her terms, and I've just been abandoned.

 

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself right now, to be honest. I just don't understand why someone would want to knowingly put someone through all of this pain.

[DRose1992]

Trust me I am in the same exact boat.. My ex sent me several abusive rude texts to me months after our break up and a month after starting no contact.

 

I had to block her on everything since I know its the only way to heal. I want her back but it is not possible at this time

 

We will get through this

[smellysocksuni]

Trust me I am in the same exact boat.. My ex sent me several abusive rude texts to me months after our break up and a month after starting no contact.

 

I had to block her on everything since I know its the only way to heal. I want her back but it is not possible at this time

 

We will get through this

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar, too. It's good that you blocked her on everything, that takes strength.

[mark clemson]

I'm fed up of feeling like this. She doesn't seem to be affected at all.

 

It appears that she's some kind of 'Narc', too. Her behaviour is really in line with everything I've read and been told about it. She has BPD, too. I try to believe she meant all those nice things, but how can she have?

 

 

BDP explains a LOT here IMO. Resolve to get over this person. I'm not a MH professional, but strongly believe that you do not want a person with BPD in your life unless/until they are getting effective treatment for it. Even then it can be a very rough ride.

 

Strongly feel that moving on will be 100% the best thing for you!

[smellysocksuni]

BDP explains a LOT here IMO. Resolve to get over this person. I'm not a MH professional, but strongly believe that you do not want a person with BPD in your life unless/until they are getting effective treatment for it. Even then it can be a very rough ride.

 

Strongly feel that moving on will be 100% the best thing for you!

 

Hi again, Mark

 

Yes, she is untreated and refuses to get any therapy for herself. Very much "this is how I am" type of person, and says that it is up to other people to stay away from her if they cannot handle her personality. She doesn't care much if she hurts people, apparently.

 

I really do want to move forward and get over this, which is something I hadn't felt before. I thought that things would change, or she would try harder to control her anger/sabotaging behaviours, but she hasn't.

 

I can't go through this again - on my other thread, it talks about the first time she did all of this to me. And I'm just going through it all again. I can't do it a third time, I can't wait to see how worse it would be. I'd just like to put my energies into moving forwards.

[mark clemson]

Yep. Totally hear you. I had a hot/cold/on/off person once. After two times through the wringer I said (to myself): Ok, she doesn't get to hurt me a 3rd time. Sure enough, she started off with the mind****ing again.

 

She seemed rather surprised and a bit hurt when I started showing her I was done (by turning down HER overtures, etc). But it was too late - I was 100% sure moving on was the best thing.

 

Think you're getting to that point too. One can only take so much emotional turmoil and abuse.

[smellysocksuni]

I'm currently supposed to be at university, where she is, too. I feel too upset to go in, to be surrounded by all the things we did together when things were fine. I feel too upset to be avoided by her again, or to see her smile and laugh and talk to other people and not bother to speak to me. I have to give a presentation today and she also has to give one, and I have to sit there and watch her in a small classroom.

 

She really doesn't seem to care. Hasn't reached out once, hasn't said a word to me, doesn't care. How can she just not feel anything, while I'm feeling all of this?

 

It's getting to the point that I just think screw it, I'll contact her, what else is there to really lose at this stage? Why did I have to fall in love with someone who does nothing but self-sabotage everything, someone who does nothing but abuse me, ignore me, and treat me badly?

 

And as much as I hate going in to university and seeing her, we only have three weeks left and I won't see her for five months. So then it really will be NC, I won't see her anywhere. I'm feeling as if this is just some sort of nightmare, or something.

[mark clemson]

Not sure about the short term, but assuming you end the semester on about the same page as right now, suggest you try to move on/find someone else during that 5 months. Even if its just a "rebound" it'll help shore you up I think. You don't want to spend the 5 months pining for someone who really just doesn't care that much, IMO.

 

Then try to avoid her completely next year (ie, not in the same classes if possible, etc). Believe you don't want to re-trigger this if you can help it.

[smellysocksuni]

I genuinely feel as if I am not going to get over this person. The feelings I have are so strong, stronger really than I have felt for anyone I can remember being involved with – even just the sight of her in a picture makes me feel such intense emotions that I’m unable to describe. Even though she has treated me in such cruel ways, ways that I’d imagine many others wouldn’t stand for or put up with, or be put off by, my feelings remain as intense as ever, if not more so.

 

The advice I get from every angle is to ‘move on’. There is no instruction manual, no guide, to tell me just how to do this. Move on to what? How? How am I supposed to forget about this person? I don’t want to jump into another romantic involvement, not because I feel like this about this person but because that’s simply not on my agenda, anyway. And it is unlikely that I will feel the same about that person, anyway. So, in my mind, there’s no point going down that route, anyway.

 

She has push/pulled since I’ve known her, since before we were even dating, when we were just friends. She continues to do this, and this is why I’m finding it so hard to view this latest round of breaking up/silence as final, and I’m stuck in this mindset of waiting and hoping for her to come back. Even though this MIGHT be final. I have no way of knowing, because this will be the third or fourth time she has gone silent on me.

 

I feel incredibly depressed and alone, I have no friends, no energy to get out of bed to perform even the most menial of tasks such as showering or getting dressed. I can’t even be bothered to eat. I’ve been prescribed medication which I suppose is lessening my anxiety, but I just feel terrible.

 

And the worst thing is that I just want her. She seems to be the only thing that will help me feel better, but SHE caused this.

[smellysocksuni]

I really want to be able to tackle the final hurdle, which is staying away from her social media (and that of the guy I'm certain she's seeing). My emotions, for the most part, have calmed down. I don't really feel an urge to go back to her, and can really see how unhealthy everything to do with her really is.

 

The only thing I seem to be struggling with now is this looking at her social media. It causes a lot of anxiety, overthinking, jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, etc. Without this, I think I'd make a lot more progress on a day to day basis. Every time I look, I'm given some new piece of information that only causes more anxiety, more overthinking, more pain. I don't want this, anymore.

 

Also, it's still ambiguous whether she's seeing someone. I don't think I would enjoy seeing anything confirmed, as that would be worse than this. I wouldn't be able to unsee anything, and I think yeah... I just don't want that.

 

So, I'm going to post here, even though I doubt anyone is looking, lol - but post here when I can, and when I feel the urge, and I'm going to begin by going 30 days without looking.

 

So it's 24/04/2019, and it's 21:56 where I am. My next post I guess will be tomorrow, or when I get any urges, lol.

[Iamyoungjuan]

I’m going through this been going through this for six months my wife is seeing somebody else but she still reach out to me but don’t wanna see me she just told me for the first time that she thinking about coming back then when I talked to her the next day she was cold as ice ignored my calls and texts and said she don’t care to talk to me again Wow

[Beachead]

I really want to be able to tackle the final hurdle, which is staying away from her social media (and that of the guy I'm certain she's seeing). My emotions, for the most part, have calmed down. I don't really feel an urge to go back to her, and can really see how unhealthy everything to do with her really is.

 

The only thing I seem to be struggling with now is this looking at her social media. It causes a lot of anxiety, overthinking, jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, etc. Without this, I think I'd make a lot more progress on a day to day basis. Every time I look, I'm given some new piece of information that only causes more anxiety, more overthinking, more pain. I don't want this, anymore.

 

Also, it's still ambiguous whether she's seeing someone. I don't think I would enjoy seeing anything confirmed, as that would be worse than this. I wouldn't be able to unsee anything, and I think yeah... I just don't want that.

 

So, I'm going to post here, even though I doubt anyone is looking, lol - but post here when I can, and when I feel the urge, and I'm going to begin by going 30 days without looking.

 

So it's 24/04/2019, and it's 21:56 where I am. My next post I guess will be tomorrow, or when I get any urges, lol.

 

I've been there man. I was stuck in endless cycles of bs with exes in my past. Like you, I couldn't cut them off like I should have and things turned into a mess. I always hoped that it'd be different each time. "..maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe they'll see the light?" But nope. It always ended the same. It'd make me a mess all over again. Funny thing is I always began to feel okay after awhile in NC but the moment they came walking back into my life, I'd go right back into feeling like I needed them. It felt like an addict that relapsed. That's what these people are to us. Heroin, Meth or some addictive narcotic. The trap is that the longer you stay in it, the greater the damage, the deeper the wounds, the weaker you become, and the harder it is to leave.

 

First order of business..why do you have her on social media still? What good is seeing her updates and photos? You'll just paint stories in your head and your anxiety will go through the roof. And then this is going to bleed into other aspects in your life and cause you problems in those areas as well. Then the problems that come from that will further stress you out and break you down. It's a spiral downward. Put her out of sight, out of mind. Block her on ALL social media platforms.

 

Second order of business, drop the people who drain your energy and start spending time with people who you can truthfully say, make you feel good. Maybe it's your family and that one close friend. This will remind you that you're loved.

 

Third order of business..get out there. Volunteer, take academic classes or classes that build fun skills and that get you socializing with other people. Yoga and fitness classes work. Meeting new people who don't know you and vice versa that you have a clean blank slate with, all of whom have different personalities are going to show you that your ex isn't the world. There is a world outside of her.

 

Fourth Order of business..cry, vent, let it all out on here and to your support structure that I mentioned before.

 

If you don't do this for yourself, your future will be swallowed up by your past. This is one situation where you gotta activity push through to break the cycle and get yourself out of it. Give yourself that tough love.

 

- Beach

Edited April 25, 2019 by Beachead

[smellysocksuni]

I've been there man. I was stuck in endless cycles of bs with exes in my past. Like you, I couldn't cut them off like I should have and things turned into a mess.

 

It's true. I've been in another abusive relationship that went on for two years; I wasn't strong enough to walk away and I became a total wreck. On this occasion with this relationship, it looks very much like she's cut me off but I'm still making the decision to walk away from her because I know that cycles can often continue, and it's rarely the abused person who ends things.

 

You have it spot on with the social media comment. I don't have her on my social media, in fact I don't even have social media anymore. It's really easy to just check by searching her full name through Google. But I just don't want to live that life anymore. You're right - I've created endless scenarios in my head, and my anxiety has been through the roof because of it, and yeah, other parts of my life are suffering. She might not even be seeing anyone, but based on a few inconsequential things, I've created a whole scenario in my head. I realise that being on her social media is creating a lot of the current pain I'm in, and I want to stop this habit before I do see something. And in reality, I can't check this stuff forever. I really do want to move on.

 

And you know, I am going to get back into my fitness, and I'm going to try doing some new things. Even though I have to do them alone, they're still experiences, and you know what... she isn't the be all and end all to my life. I just want to move on, and this social media thing is the last real thing I'm letting go of.

 

Thanks for replying to this though, any reply I get on here means a lot, just as much as it would if it were a friend or someone IRL commenting, I can come back and read your words again and again and it helps more than you know.

Edited April 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smellysocksuni]

Huh, well I guess this is it, a life of complete loneliness. I've had some really unhealthy relationships but this last one appears to be the one that's had the most effect on me.

 

The other two relationships I've had at least came to a gradual end. It was clear for a while that things weren't working, and when they did end it wasn't really a surprise, although still quite painful. This one just ended abruptly, after the best week I'd ever spent with her. She was being so loving, so sweet, the most I've ever seen her be with me. The "her" I felt like I'd been waiting for. I thought we were about to get somewhere together, I thought this was it.

 

Nah. She just blew up at me and ended it. Still can't process it. What I know about BPD is that this is really common. I know I couldn't have done anything to prevent it happening. It wasn't a case of someone in the relationship doing something wrong, or the pair of us growing apart, or whatever. I hate to place blame because I am not perfect. But it was her that did this.

 

I don't know whether her feelings became too real, too intense, too overwhelming - I don't know. I was 'split black', as they say. She never granted me the chance to talk about things, just broke up with me. I didn't even do anything, that day. Her anger was so intense and so full on that I had no idea what I was supposed to do - I genuinely felt as if she could have physically turned on me. She was even saying things like "I could really murder you" and "I wanted to punch the wall, I was so angry" and at what? Me just being a little quieter than usual? I'm a human. I have moods. I never mistreated her. I wasn't rude to her.

 

And now I'm being ignored. Cut out of her life. I'd love to know whether this is something I'll get over, because right now it does not feel that way. Get over someone I love suddenly dumping me and cutting me out of their life because they became angry at me for something I didn't do?

 

She doesn't even appear to feel bad. Not once has she apologized. Never asked about my well being. I imagine she'll ignore me at university in October, too. More punishment for me, I'm sure that's how she sees it. Somewhere in her mind I probably deserve all of this. Well, I know I don't. I'm not perfect, but I really didn't do anything which warrants this. And now she's on to the next person. I can't have meant that much to her then, could I?

 

I really respect that people change their minds about dating people, and we don't have to date people if we don't want to, but this all just seems a little unfair. I was never given the chance to speak about things from my point of view. It was all about how I'd disrespected her family, how I'd messed things up, how I was this, how I was that. I was ranted at, ignored, blocked. It felt as if she just couldn't stop being nasty towards me. It's not as if I cheated on her, or something. Something that would deserve that. I literally did not do a thing to this person. Nothing. And this is what she did to me.

 

And none of this seems to have affected her. Or maybe it has. Maybe jumping into something new is her way of ignoring the feelings. Maybe she is feeling pain. Maybe I am on her mind. I really don't know. I try to avoid thinking things like that, because even if that is the case she's doing nothing about it. I wouldn't even be able to go near her again, after she's been with someone else. I can't trust her. Her anger is too much and too unpredictable, and it gets worse each time. It causes me so much pain. I wish I could send her this piece of writing in an email, and I wish she felt empathy so she could see that she has caused me pain but she doesn't. Any mention of my feelings and she starts swearing at me, blocking me, threatening to ignore me if I continue talking about it - all things designed to get me operating the way she wants me to.

 

Wanted to be friends, I couldn't do it straight away so that was a problem for her. She showed no understanding to my feelings around that issue, and just kept getting angry with me for FEELING, telling me to "MOVE ON!" after just two weeks, despite the deeply intense emotional time we'd just shared together. How was I meant to move on while being close friends with her after just two weeks? Why was she showing me such anger because I hadn't moved on? How did she expect me to be acting? Why couldn't she be a bit more compassionate and less angry all the time? The questions I have are endless. This has really messed me up. Why was she so adamant that we stay friends straight away, anyway? Why was it all on her terms? Why did it feel like I was being told what to do, how to feel and act? Such a departure from the lovely, sweet person who would spend days at my house, telling me how deeply she felt for me. I don't know what was real and what wasn't.

[DRose1992]

Man we are both almost in the same boat. I recently had another blow up with her being so rude and angry for no reason.

 

Trust me do not look at her social media. Its not worth it. I really wish I blocked everything a long time ago and not wasted time over her.

 

I want my ex back so bad too but right now unless she reaches out their is nothing we can do..

[smellysocksuni]

I think I am slowly reaching the mindset that it is truly over between us, this is the longest we have gone without interacting with each other and she has made no attempt to contact me, which I thought she may have done, by now (based on my understanding of the idealisation/devaluation patterns of those with BPD and her history of interacting with me). I did change my number a few months ago, though; she could email me, but she doesn't seem the type to sit and email someone.

 

It has been very difficult to process the fact that someone ended a relationship because their feelings for me DID exist, rather than in a standard relationship where someone's feelings have died... that knowledge kept hope alive within me for a long time and still does, I think. I still have no real answer as to why she avoided me. I have gone over our final interactions for months, trying to understand it.

 

It's been very difficult to be someone that someone blamed for their anger, when I know I didn't cause it, and that THAT is the reason for the break up. It's been a difficult road to come to the understanding that reality is often distorted for pwBPD, and that no matter what I say she will still believe that I am doing things to trigger her all the time, "intentionally".

 

I think I will have to conclude that she felt shame/guilt for either hurting me or ruining the relationship. That she wanted to be friends, but could see that I was hurt and felt a sense of shame and frustration that she had caused that situation. I cannot see anything that would have caused her to hate me, and usually, she'd tell me to go away or stop messaging her, if she hadn't wanted me to contact her/was angry with me. Again, that doesn't make detaching any easier. With her, avoidance seems to indicate strong feelings. Doesn't help! Would be better if she just hated me, l o l.

 

At this point also, I've had to accept that she may have been or may be involved with someone else. I don't think she has, relationships seem to cause extreme splitting within her and she seems very aware of the behavioural changes that happen. However, I don't know either way, and have had to accept that she may be with someone else. That has been quite painful to accept, and I've really had to plough through some difficult feelings and thoughts, there. I don't own that spot in her life, and she is free to go and try with someone else. Just because it's not what I want her to do, it doesn't mean she can't do it. I think also it upset me because it would mean that there's zero chance of her coming back to me with a recycle - even though I know that wouldn't be healthy.

 

I feel as if, even with the idealisation (or maybe this is just hope) that she did love me, and did genuinely want to be with me but that this stuff just kept happening inside her mind and she couldn't control it. She never spoke about anyone significant apart from an ex she was with four years prior, who she met at high school. She'd often say "why do I always meet someone when I'm in education?" - that led me to think that I WAS significant to her, but that she just wasn't ready. I could be wrong, though.

 

Going back to university is also still on my mind. I don't feel as frightened of it, but I do feel as if it's an inconvenience, now. I feel like it would be easier and better just not to see her again - especially in the environment that we met, and shared a lot of memories, etc. I don't intend to interact much with anyone there, in general I'm a bit bored of uni now anyway and have lost enthusiasm for it. I think this will be a road bump in my healing, when it comes up.

 

I also feel worried about how I'll feel when university ends. While this has been a draining cycle, it's unlikely I will see her again after that. It will be a total end to this entire chapter in my life, with her. It's as if things have ended, but they haven't completely ended right now, if that makes sense.

 

I don't know how I'll feel when it comes around. Seeing her may not make me feel anything, because there is still significant time before we go back. I sometimes wonder if I should have been so upset over what was quite a short relationship, I try not to shame myself and let myself feel everything, though.

 

I realise that everyone is free to make choices that benefit their own emotional wellbeing and that's what she did. I try to be generous in my thoughts and allow her the freedom to do what makes her happy.

 

I can't really see myself with anyone else for a long time. Not because it won't match up to her, or anything like that. Just because I am so drained and tired and I don't really want to be with anyone, anymore.

 

But yeah. It's reaching the point where I've had to accept the reality of all of this. Trying hard not to live in the future OR the past, and accepting that she ended things and probably isn't coming back.

[smellysocksuni]

What am I upset about?

 

• Being broken up with over the incident at the sister’s house.

 

• Being ignored when I tried to reach out.

 

• Not wanting to go back to university and not be able to speak in the same context.

 

• Experiencing this hot/cold for the past however long, and nothing coming of it.

 

• Going from extremely close to nothing, over a perceived mood change which could have easily been sorted out.

 

• Having yet another failed relationship, which to me felt the most promising and natural yet.

 

I am trying to work out what it is I am upset by, and why this has affected me so deeply. Sometimes I think, “it didn’t work out, that’s all” – but it’s not as if we didn’t get on, or she wasn’t interested, or she had found someone else, or any other relationship breakdown issue.

 

The fact is that it was an overnight thing. She has admitted to having severe anger issues. Has never said it wasn’t my fault, but has said that being involved with people makes her like that, etc. Has repeatedly spoken about her fears of intimacy, tendency to self-sabotage, cutting people off, being an “abusive person”, how only so many people can handle her ‘****’.

 

There doesn’t seem to be something I have done, more a distancing from me because of how she feels she acts (and does act) when she is involved with someone. The amount of times I’ve gone over this stuff in my head. I have never experienced anything like this, and it has taken a lot out of me.

 

What are her reasons for ending it?

 

• Not being able to cope with the anger that triggers cause while in a relationship

 

• Comparing me to her ex, telling me that I ‘am’ him, blaming me for all problems

 

• She feels I have been rude to her family, disrespected them. I think this is either a cover-up and a false reason to end things, or she genuinely believes it to be true. The fact that her family repeatedly welcomed me into their homes suggests that I haven’t been rude at all.

 

• Says I have disrespected her and her family during her final anger outburst about me directed at them, as if I wasn’t even in the room.

 

Those are the only actual reasons that she has mentioned that I can think of. I would cope better had the reasons been “I’ve fallen out of love with you” or “I have met someone else” or even “I’m unhappy, I want to be single”.

 

Had I been approached in a reasonable way, and told she didn’t want to continue, as opposed to a rant and then what followed it, I might be better equipped to deal and process it. There was no consideration of my feelings. I was not given the chance to talk about myself. Any conversation we had was about how I was wrong, what is wrong with me, what I shouldn’t and should have done, what I now am going to do and not do, these are the rules, if you break them you will be ignored/blocked.

 

All of this left me in a messed up emotional and psychological place. I reached out many times – something I wouldn’t do normally. I had no space from her as we had to see each other all the time. She was doing things like sitting with me but actively ignoring me, or issuing ever-changing rules such as “we can only speak to each other at uni” and “we can only speak about uni stuff”. There was no discussion, no consideration. These were all her rules, and there was no room for discussion. I was an anxious mess by this point and all over the place.

 

I don’t think any of this was fair on me. I would have been happy, again, to start again and build a friendship from the beginning. But her rules and behaviour were all too overwhelming and I had no idea what to do, or what was going on. I had extreme PTSD which manifested in anxiety attacks, to the point I had to leave the classroom repeatedly to cry in the bathroom, and then I just stopped going in. I suffered an extreme drop in my grades to the point that my lecturers commented on all of my work asking me what was going on. Meanwhile, she was acting as if nothing had happened. I was made to feel and made to look crazy, unstable, erratic. She played the victim and wouldn’t even speak to me, as if I had done something wrong.

 

Writing all of this out has made me see just how messed up that all was. I am not perfect or without fault, but I believe that everything started with her and her behaviour and actions.

 

I didn’t believe she was serious about the whole thing, as to me it appeared very irrational and I thought she would calm down after a few days. As I hadn’t actually done anything, I thought she would talk to me and “see sense”, and that things may be a bit strained for a while but that we’d just carry on seeing each other – after all, I thought her feelings were genuine, as they seemed very strong from what she had been saying/how she’d been acting, and I thought that those feelings would override the incident.

 

I am still unsure as to what she means by having disrespected her family. I greeted her sister warmly and hugged her, as I did with her sister’s boyfriend. Whenever I am around anyone’s family I always act polite and friendly, I am not a rude person. I always want to make the best impression that I can – this goes for romantic partners and even, say, parents of my teenage cousin’s friends, or friends of the family. I don’t think her perception was accurate, and I find that hard to deal with and accept. To end things over that seemed ridiculous to me, and still does. I had barely said a word during that rant, so I don’t know where the disrespect was. I think it was ME who was disrespected and humiliated, with no one to back me up or defend me.

 

I am upset that she has never apologised to me, and never really admits any wrongdoing or overreaction, apart from the times she mentioned having problems with her anger within relationships. I feel like I have actually done something wrong, such is the way she’s behaved. All I would like from her is a simple “I’m sorry I did that” – but I know that it will never come my way. I realise that I may not even be on her mind in any capacity at this stage, and I am going through this alone.

 

I would not be feeling this way after any break up and I never have. The strange erratic nature of it all and the way I’ve just been dropped after spending almost every day with someone for six months has affected me more than I care to admit. It wasn’t long, I know there are those who’ve been married or been in longer relationships with children, and I’m probably one of the more fortunate ones.

 

Also, the fact that I have to see her again is a huge inconvenience. Her sister and sister’s boyfriend are also joining the uni this term, so it’s VERY likely I will see all three of them at some point. I had been thinking about speaking to the sister if I see her alone, but I realise that I can’t trust her not to say anything to ex, and I don’t know what lies have been told about me. So I very well may not bother. If I see them I will just have to keep walking.

 

I have considered sending ex a short email at the end of term. Nothing emotional, but short and sweet. I don’t know if I will. I know that there often isn’t a point, and it makes no difference. So maybe I won’t. She has always said that no matter what I say, it won’t change the way she is.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[elaine567]

OK, We get the assertion she may have BPD, but you do not sound exactly mentally stable yourself.

Go get help from a counsellor/therapist

[smellysocksuni]

OK, We get the assertion she may have BPD, but you do not sound exactly mentally stable yourself.

Go get help from a counsellor/therapist

 

Not mentally stable in what way?

 

She does have BPD.

 

I didn't claim to be mentally stable, either. However, I don't put people through intense emotional and psychological extremes because of my own issues. I don't give people anxiety, or depression. I don't make people suicidal. So you're right, I am not that stable at the moment.

 

It's quite common for people with their own poor mental health issues to be attracted to and end up in relationships with those who have BPD. Emotionally and mentally healthy people rarely stay with cluster B's which is why the relationships are often dysfunctional.

 

I don't mind opinions, but this is a safe space and the way you've phrased your comment is a bit rude, to be honest.

 

Also, you have no idea what help I may or not be seeking.

 

Until you've been on the receiving end of extreme emotional and psychological abuse, please refrain from making snap judgments of people you don't know. Your language is quite 'triggering' to someone who is already dealing with a lot of things.

 

Also, in case your judgement of me is that I'm some obsessed man (which is common online) I am actually a woman.

 

I am allowed to be here and talk through what I am going through, from my side of things.

 

Thanks for your comment.

Edited July 20, 2019 by smellysocksuni

[Normm]

I don’t think any of this was fair on me. I would have been happy, again, to start again and build a friendship from the beginning. But her rules and behaviour were all too overwhelming

 

You really need to stop blaming her for all the problems and your current mental state. You were together for a while, she decided to end it, it's clearly over, and she's moved on. She's not responsible for your mental health nor your reaction to the breakup.

 

I had extreme PTSD which manifested in anxiety attacks, to the point I had to leave the classroom repeatedly to cry in the bathroom, and then I just stopped going in. I suffered an extreme drop in my grades

 

Again, you can't blame her for your dropoff in grades due to what you refer to as "extreme PTSD". There are clearly other issues here. If you're having trouble coping with the breakup, seek appropriate treatment.

 

I was made to feel and made to look crazy, unstable, erratic.

 

No one is making you feel anything. These are your reactions to the stress of the breakup, and again, clearly there are serious underlying issues here that are causing an extreme reaction to a fairly typical breakup.

 

She played the victim and wouldn’t even speak to me, as if I had done something wrong.

 

She's not playing the victim, she's simply not interested in speaking to you because she has moved on, as should you.

 

I believe that everything started with her and her behaviour and actions.

 

Constantly blaming her for your emotional distress is typical of victim mentality, and worse yet, it takes control of your situation out of your hands because you've got the mindset of "well there's nothing I can do about it, she caused it and she's the one who should fix it".

 

I thought that those feelings would override the incident.

 

It's never just one incident. Well it could be, in extreme situations but not the one you're describing. This was just the final straw.

 

I think it was ME who was disrespected and humiliated, with no one to back me up or defend me.

 

More victim mentality. What good does it possibly do to ruminate about how you were mistreated and disrespected?

 

I am upset that she has never apologised to me

 

For what? Breaking up with you? She doesn't owe you an apology and she isn't responsible for your happiness nor your extreme reaction to the breakup that was so bad you couldn't attend University. You need to accept there are serious problems here and you need to stop focusing on her, and how she wronged you, and work on being an independent, healthy person who isn't torn apart by a typical breakup.

 

I’ve just been dropped after spending almost every day with someone for six months has affected me more than I care to admit.

 

Admit it. Your response to this entire breakup- following a short 6 month relationship is completely over the top and out of proportion.

 

I have considered sending ex a short email at the end of term.

 

Don't do it man. It will set you back in your healing, if there is any.

[elaine567]

Sorry I was a bit blunt.

You are obsessing over this girl and it is time to stop.

BPDers and other toxic individuals can seriously mess with your head, so you need to seek help.

You need to stand back and consider why you let her get under your skin in the first place, so you can learn not to make the same mistakes again.

You can provide list after list of her misdemeanours but that does't really help you. That is just a list of bad things she has done.

Help will give you coping strategies to get yourself out of this.

[smellysocksuni]

Thanks for replying.

 

Yes, I know, I am trying my best to curb these behaviours as they are exhausting and not healthy or helpful for me.

 

I've got a therapist, and trying to work through everything and why it's affected me so much. I only wrote that list out because I wanted a record of it, and to get it out of my mind - that stuff has been swirling around in my head for months. In fact, since writing it I've felt a lot better and less "heavy".

 

My therapist is going to help me with boundaries, moving forward, etc.

Edited July 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smellysocksuni]

She doesn't owe you an apology and she isn't responsible for your happiness nor your extreme reaction to the breakup that was so bad you couldn't attend University. You need to accept there are serious problems here and you need to stop focusing on her, and how she wronged you, and work on being an independent, healthy person who isn't torn apart by a typical breakup.

 

Admit it. Your response to this entire breakup- following a short 6 month relationship is completely over the top and out of proportion.

 

 

Thanks for your input.

 

The apology I mentioned was for the anger outburst in front of the family, not the break up. Been through break ups before. Never had this reaction.

 

I won't be commenting here again. I think people apply their own dogmatic advice/opinions to other situations. You really have no idea who I am or what I am experiencing, or how my own problems/trauma in the past have caused my reactions.

 

I've been through break ups. Most of them didn't involve one day telling someone they were your soulmate, the next being shouted at for nothing in front of someone's family. I've had two break ups before this, and they didn't play out this way.

 

You don't get shouted at in front of someone's family FOR NOTHING then told to leave when you were completely silent, then told if you didn't leave you the police would be called WHEN YOU WERE ALREADY LEAVING. That's not a 'fairly typical break up'. been through two. None of them went like that.

 

I have spent enough time reading and educating myself to know that my reaction isn't out of proportion, and I have been diagnosed as having PTSD due to this situation. I'm not crazy or obsessed.

 

Victim mentality? OK. Maybe I do have it. So what? That's me. I came here to write and process my experience, not to be bluntly torn down.

 

Anyway. I'm finished coming here. I will return to spaces that understand the involvement of those who have been involved with Cluster B personalities, I never receieve the same kinds of comments over there, tbh. It's always on non-Cluster B forums and spaces that people throw out the word obsessed.

 

Try trauma bonded, CPTSD, etc. They're more fitting.

 

 

 

Her treatment of me did cause this, sorry. I wasn't like this before her. Her games and constant push/pull over the space of two years has affected me. Her constant emotional abuse and psychological abuse have caused me a dip in my mental health. None of that is typical in any relationship.

 

And I'm not a MAN. I'm a woman.

Edited July 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[planb1973]

To the OP. I did not read the entire thread, once I read BPD I knew the story, because I have been down that road.

 

Someone with BPD will suck the life out of you. It is a masterpiece of craziness. It is addicting. It is as hard to stay as it is to leave. It can make a sane person insane. You are always left wondering what in the hell just happened. Non of it makes any logical sense. You will never make sense of their actions.

 

I was there for over 3 years with a woman with BPD. We even went to therapy together. When it finally ended I continued. Desperate to figure out what happened and desperate to never go down that road again. It took a year after that relationship to start to learn my role in all of it. It almost destroyed me. The biggest thing I had to come to grips with was why did I stay for so long. It was humbling to realize my own issues that kept me coming back.

 

That was 6 years ago. I have grown so much as a person since then. Now I look back at those crazy years and laugh at myself for my ignorance.

 

My advice to you is stop trying to figure them out and figure out what it is about you that kept you with them and work diligently on addressing that. You will get through this and come out on the other side a much stronger individual.