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Still Bitter and Don't Want To Be

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 9th March 2019, 2:16 PM   #1
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Still Bitter and Don't Want To Be

I read a really useful post about someone who was struggling with feelings of anger and resentment after being cheated on and it helped.

I was cheated on which led to the ending of my longest relationship, this was ages ago - 2016! I really thought I'd moved on!

I function okay I don't think of this ex at all but when I date I get very emotional at the thought that I'm not important. For example if I discover they are online dating (even if we aren't together yet) or if they just treat me a bit casual it brings it back. I still remember the feeling of sickness I felt in the pit of my stomach the day I found out to this day and I only have to think about that and it can still bring me to tears.

I'm sure all this is due to the betrayal which hurt me deeply. What can I do, I have had therapy, I do yoga, meditation, dated other men...


I'm sure if I build trust with a man over time I will love again.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:47 PM   #2
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Well I'll start by saying you're not alone. I'm sorry that this happened to you unfortunately it happens to so many people in the modern age that there are no guarantees that you can avoid it again. My ex-wife cheated on me years about 9 years ago (I'm 34 now) and immediately went into a relationship with the OM and stayed with him until her death about a year later. The things that she said to me, and how she compartmentalized her behavior and made herself out to be the victim and me the bad guy are still things that I reflect on to this day.

I go back and forth between resentment and forgiveness from all that happened. I started dating the ex that brought me to LS around the same time my ex-wife died and it lasted for nearly 7 years. There's some evidence that my recent ex may have cheated too. At the end of the day, while I made mistakes in both relationships, I've accepted that the actions of these people I once loved were not a reflection of me. I'm the person that didn't succumb to any of that bullsh*t and walked away with my head held high. That doesn't make it any easier in dealing with the emotional pain of betrayal, but each day that I keep living I go back and forth between feelings of good and bad and I accept that how I feel day to day is who I am, even if some days I feel like garbage because of things that happened years ago.

Everyone is capable of cheating, be it men or women, and at the end of the day we all have a choice to do what's right, not just because it will benefit us. Cheating is a refuge for weak hearted people who choose their own selfish needs over people they claim to love. Some cheaters change for the better over time, but that seems to be very rare. Ultimately do not blame yourself for the actions of this weaker person. Coping from this betrayal is not a walk in the park, and even time may not heal this kind of wound completely. The best thing I've found that you can do is continue living for yourself and doing things that make you happy, with or without someone else. Continue doing all the things you said you were doing, and even take some risks and try something new. That's not easy, but nothing in life worth having comes easy.

The next person you date, if they tell you that they cheated in a past relationship, run in the other direction.
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Old 11th March 2019, 2:57 PM   #3
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Start with forgiveness. That will heal you and release your bitterness. My first husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son. I was devastated. Than he said he married me for his citizenship. Knife to the heart. I was crushed.

He ruined my life. I have had to forgive him. It took 10 years to do and there are aspects 23 years later that pop up. I haven't forgiven the other woman. It's not easy, it is healing.
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