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Childlessness


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 7th March 2019, 9:58 AM   #16
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Thatís all fine but be careful about idealizing relationships. You see a picture but you donít really know whatís going on in peopleís lives. Thereís nothing at all wrong with a sperm bank. Heck, pick a guy with a high IQ and you might produce a genius. You never know. Just lose the mind set that thereís only one or two ways to do things. This is whatís stressing you out and, quite frankly, itís whatís going to keep you from getting pregrant. Please try to make peace with this by having a plan, and stop stressing yourself out over it.
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Old 7th March 2019, 10:10 AM   #17
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Something you can do (if you want) is freeze eggs. That way, they are literally frozen at the age and condition they are right now for use down the road if you need them.
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Old 7th March 2019, 10:34 AM   #18
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It doesn't help that the doctor tells me I'm fine and have no reason to worry. It doesn't help that people tell me "so and so was 38 when they had their third child, it can still happen to you!" It doesn't help to see all my female peers as mothers and wives. I've wanted that for a very long time. I'm not sure how to get rid of this pain. So I've come here. It's not about my boyfriend, or his age. It's about me feeling this pain and sadness. I've kind of hit the bottom of the pit lately.. I just had my 35th birthday and I think that was very hard for me too, to accept where I am in life is not where I had hoped to be.
I understand your mindset and why you are stressing about it, but don't torture yourself. I agree with what bathtub-row and Wallysbears both said. You can do research on freezing eggs and sperm banks and then come up with a timeline/plan for yourself (that is not reliant upon another person's involvement.)

While it might be hard to raise a child on your own, having gone through a torturous 32-year marriage and watching the adverse affect it had on my daughters, in hindsight, I would have liked to raise them in peace on my own. If you want to have a child and are capable of giving them a loving, nurturing home and can financially support all of their needs, then have a child. Don't fall victim to societal expectations. A two-parent home is not the only way to raise a healthy well-adjusted child.
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Old 7th March 2019, 12:39 PM   #19
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There's a lot of extraordinarily good advice in this thread so I won't bother repeating it. You seem to be grieving potential, which is very normal, but that potential isn't gone. You have so much potential for a life that includes healthy, happy children, whether single or with someone. Embrace that! I only have three practical points:

1) You are, realistically, looking at your BF being at least 50 when you are pregnant. Is it possible to have kids and parent at that age? Sure. But it means you are going to have to be doing a lot of work yourself. By the time your child is on his or her way to college, their father will be elderly and well into retirement, and all the issues that brings.

2) The rates of autism and birth defects increase very rapidly with older sperm. I agree with the suggestions both to freeze your eggs and use a sperm bank. Do you have the resources to potentially raise a special needs child with an elderly partner? Genetic testing for both of your beforehand is a good idea.

3) It sounds like childlessness bothers you more than not having a partner. Be thoughtful about how you express this. You talk about how this guy could be your last hope for a kid; obviously, there's more to it than that, but he may sometimes wonder if you're united by your hopes for a child and not much else. Communicate as much as possible on this so you stay on the same page and can honor and respect each other.

Last edited by lana-banana; 7th March 2019 at 12:42 PM..
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Old 7th March 2019, 1:51 PM   #20
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Have you considered freezing your eggs? It's not a guarantee by any means, but it does increase your chances. It costs money, but not anywhere near as much as having a kid does.
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:14 PM   #21
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No, Iím not considering freezing my eggs or sperm donation. I donít even take birth control so Iím pretty against anything unnnatural like that. So if I canít have a child naturally my other option is adoption.

Want to point out that my desire to have a child is based on having a family not having just a child. I donít desire to be a single mom. I want to have a husband and child(ren) not just a child. At this point I would prefer being married to having a child on my own. So Iíd like to put those suggestions to rest.

Lana banana- your practical point about my bf being 50 when Iím pregnant doesnít seem necessarily likely. Why would it be 50? Couldnít it be now, or next year or 5 years? Sadly, yes, Iíve had to accept that myself and also potentially the father if I did get pregnant would be older. None of this is ideal, life doesnít work out the way we plan or want. Some people seem to have these plans and everything just happens. I wish I could say for certainty ďrealistically BF will be 50Ē when Iím pregnant but things just donít happen that way. Thereís no timeline. Iím proof of that.
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:30 PM   #22
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I don't understand the contention. He's 48 now and you've been dating for less than 6 months. He will almost certainly be at least 50 by the time a kid rolls around, if you go down that path. It could potentially happen when he's older, sure, but none of that detracts from my point. Being a new parent at 50 is not remotely the same as being a parent at 30 or even 40, that's all I'm saying.
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:35 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post
I don't understand the contention. He's 48 now and you've been dating for less than 6 months. He will almost certainly be at least 50 by the time a kid rolls around, if you go down that path. It could potentially happen when he's older, sure, but none of that detracts from my point. Being a new parent at 50 is not remotely the same as being a parent at 30 or even 40, that's all I'm saying.
not to mention that he'll be almost 70 at high school graduation
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:35 PM   #24
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No, Iím not considering freezing my eggs or sperm donation. I donít even take birth control so Iím pretty against anything unnnatural like that. So if I canít have a child naturally my other option is adoption.

Want to point out that my desire to have a child is based on having a family not having just a child. I donít desire to be a single mom. I want to have a husband and child(ren) not just a child. At this point I would prefer being married to having a child on my own. So Iíd like to put those suggestions to rest.

Well, it seems like in one fell swoop you have dismissed every possible solution to your "problem". I guess you're left with just waiting and seeing what happens, in that case.



Quote:

Lana banana- your practical point about my bf being 50 when Iím pregnant doesnít seem necessarily likely. Why would it be 50? Couldnít it be now, or next year or 5 years? Sadly, yes, Iíve had to accept that myself and also potentially the father if I did get pregnant would be older. None of this is ideal, life doesnít work out the way we plan or want. Some people seem to have these plans and everything just happens. I wish I could say for certainty ďrealistically BF will be 50Ē when Iím pregnant but things just donít happen that way. Thereís no timeline. Iím proof of that.

I think she meant that if you have kids with this man, he will almost certainly be elderly and retired before the kid is self-sufficient, so you'd need to plan for that.
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:41 PM   #25
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OP, you remind me of my little sister (minus the relationship part). She's 37, 'married to her job' type though has had relationships (but never with the 'right' guys), super accomplished, gorgeous inside and out and is longing for a child. She's considering adopting (she doesn't want to freeze her eggs) if all else fails.

She is constantly wavering between acceptance and deep pain, and it's really difficult to find the right words to support her, because her sadness is so palpable.

2 of my close friends are now over 40 (42 and 45 respectively) and childless also; one had an abortion when younger just like you, and I think it traumatised her though she doesn't really want to talk about it. She says she's 'made her bed' and is now a hands-on step-mum to her partner's kids.

My other friend has always wanted to be a mum but wasted her best years on a relationship with a complete dick. She's now in a relationship with a guy 15 years younger - no talks of kids, she's resigned herself to being 'super auntie' to her nieces and nephews (and to my kids).

They both also are fantastic, caring, accomplished women with rich, busy lives; motherhood didn't happen for them, but they've made the best out of their situation and are quite fulfilled regardless.

You can't control your bio clock or your new BF's feelings on this, but what you can do is try and readjust your mind to going with the flow.

I very much realise it's easier said than done; I see it with my sister everyday.

But I also think that burdening yourself with this will not make time move faster.

So my advice would be to keep realistically hopeful (it may still happen, 35 is not old at all) and enjoy the life you have now at the same time, because you only have one.

Last edited by littleblackheart; 7th March 2019 at 2:43 PM..
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:43 PM   #26
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fostering and adoption are the way to go
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:45 PM   #27
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I'll be blunt. You need to decide if you are totally ok with the possibility of not having children. The biological window is closing and you will be considered (already) of "advanced maternal age".

If you don't freeze eggs, or if this guy doesn't work out...your window may very well close. It doesn't sound as though you've had any actual fertility work up done, just that you are relatively healthy so that your doctor doesn't anticipate any issues with getting pregnant. But without actual screening, you don't know.

And that's all fine. If you are truly ok with perhaps not having a biological child. Only you can answer that question.
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:49 PM   #28
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The large majority of us want the Norman Rockwell painting but you’re setting yourself up for heartache by making this your biggest criteria. I’m not saying it can’t happen. As a matter of fact, you seem well on the way to that. But you really have some unbending rules and, approaching life in such a way - on many matters - rarely makes for a happy life. It’s like saying, “The only way I can get rich is by working two jobs.” When we think this way, we close ourselves off to other possibilities. Just a thought.

And, btw, having kids in your life through just about any means is fantastic.
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Old 7th March 2019, 3:42 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
I'll be blunt. You need to decide if you are totally ok with the possibility of not having children. The biological window is closing and you will be considered (already) of "advanced maternal age".

If you don't freeze eggs, or if this guy doesn't work out...your window may very well close. It doesn't sound as though you've had any actual fertility work up done, just that you are relatively healthy so that your doctor doesn't anticipate any issues with getting pregnant. But without actual screening, you don't know.

And that's all fine. If you are truly ok with perhaps not having a biological child. Only you can answer that question.
Ugh. Advanced maternal age. Pretty harsh but I guess it’s true. Nevertheless it’s kind of insensitive to bring up mine and my bfs ages. Please everyone I would appreciate some sensitivity.

I’ve had a full internal US and pelvic exam but no actual “fertility workup”. My doc says if I can’t conceive after “trying” for 6 months then she can refer me. But we’re not trying. I’m not on any birth control and he pulls out. That’s been my method of B.C. since I was 31. No close calls, no pregnancy. So it seems to work well at preventing. So I feel there is a very slim chance that I would get pregnant this way, since it’s being “interrupted”. We’re not trying, not even close. So my doc says wait until I am.

The whole point is that I’m not ok with the window closing and I have great fear and grief, and May have to Accept that I may not be able to have my own child. I’m very well aware of the health risks and dwindling percentages of fertility.
I’m not ok with it, but yes, it is something I may have to be ok with. I’m also well aware that my bf is considered “old”and if I were to become pregnant with his child he would be 70 at the college graduation. I’d be in my late 50s. That’s life. We don’t get the ideal picture sometimes. Due to our own choices and outside circumstances. What would be worse is never having a family.

Last edited by littlebridge; 7th March 2019 at 5:58 PM..
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Old 7th March 2019, 6:29 PM   #30
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sorry littlebridge if I offended, I didn't mean to
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