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How to lose faith in a person and get over infatuation?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 25th February 2019, 8:13 PM   #1
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How to lose faith in a person and get over infatuation?

There are few days were I manage to not think about it too much and then there are days like today, which pull me really down. The girl I really have a crush on, promised me to contact me, when she can visit me in my hometown. The time frame was the whole month of February, but I haven't heard from her for 3 weeks now. Somehow I still have faith she does the next days, but I guess it is very unlikely. I decided to not broach the subject again via text and wait, so I'm not scaring her away.

She knows how I feel about her and she told me she really likes me as well. The fact that she mentioned, that she likes me, worries me the most. The signs don't look like she is into me romantically, I know that, but even if I'm pursuing a paltonic friendship, it hurts, if she breaks her promise.

Leaving this whole situation open like that drives me really crazy. I'd rather prefer that she tells me, that she don't likes me enough to see me again casually. It would be me closure for me if we both would agree to keep it just a friendship or to never see again.

I know, the best thing to do is to forget the whole thing and keep moving on, but it is so damn hard to lose faith. I genuinly would like to accept the fact, that I was wrong about her, but I don't know how to do it.

As I mentioned earlier there are some days where I feel relieved and then almost without any reason the thoughts and concerns come back. This has to stop.

In the meantime I dated other girls, but even on this dates I thought about her. I don't know what and especially how to do? ...
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:44 AM   #2
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I'd send her a quick note.
The month is almost over. I thought we were going to see each other. Are you around? Give me a call.
See what happens.
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:55 AM   #3
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I'd send her a quick note.
The month is almost over. I thought we were going to see each other. Are you around? Give me a call.
See what happens.
I thought about sending her a similar message as well, but I don't like to be in role of a supplicant all the time. It would've meant a lot more to me, if she would've been not so wishy-washy.
She has seen my the photo I posted on my whatsapp status last weekend, so I assume she knows, that I still exist. When I invited her, I mentioned that I care about our friendship - which doesn't seem to apply to her as well...

I'm looking for a way or mindset for stopping to hope. The head says its okay and time to move on, but my heart keeps coming back. Sorry, if this sounds sappy or weird, but I don't know how to describe it better.
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:35 AM   #4
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There's at least two possibilities. She's either not interested or playing hard to get. If it's the latter, take the chance and reach out. If it's the former, just keep doing your normal routine and hope the thoughts diminish over time.
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Old 26th February 2019, 10:23 AM   #5
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There's at least two possibilities. She's either not interested or playing hard to get. If it's the latter, take the chance and reach out. If it's the former, just keep doing your normal routine and hope the thoughts diminish over time.
I guess it's the former. The whole thing is a bit complicated though. We live in two different towns 125 miles apart.
After our second date, she wasn't even aware that I just came to see her. She thought I'd combine our meetings with activities I'd have gone to her city for anyway (which might be correct to a certain degree as I've been given tickets for a concert in her town for our 2nd date).
I might set her unintentionally under pressure, when I told her that I like her and that I'd like to do more activities with her as I'd like to get to know her better. She appreciates that but said it could be quite costly in the long run and she didn't know how we should go on.
I then told her I'd like to meetup personal in February as there is semester break so we could talk without the need of WhatsApp or a phone. In January she told me, she would like to visit me in my hometown in Februray so I though we could combine that.
She told me, that I was of course correct that she wanted to visit me, but she doesn't know when its the best time for it, but she will let me know in any case.

So here we are, 3 weeks after and still no sign. I don't know if really she understood that I would like to meet in February, but lets be serious, I don't think it does matter now. I never bombarded or sent her annoying messages, but I have the feeling if I would send her something now, I’d annoy her. I feel like it is a dead end and I've to get out of this misery.

Last edited by Sector; 26th February 2019 at 10:33 AM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:23 AM   #6
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I guess it's the former. The whole thing is a bit complicated though. We live in two different towns 125 miles apart.
After our second date, she wasn't even aware that I just came to see her. She thought I'd combine our meetings with activities I'd have gone to her city for anyway (which might be correct to a certain degree as I've been given tickets for a concert in her town for our 2nd date).
I might set her unintentionally under pressure, when I told her that I like her and that I'd like to do more activities with her as I'd like to get to know her better. She appreciates that but said it could be quite costly in the long run and she didn't know how we should go on.
I then told her I'd like to meetup personal in February as there is semester break so we could talk without the need of WhatsApp or a phone. In January she told me, she would like to visit me in my hometown in Februray so I though we could combine that.
She told me, that I was of course correct that she wanted to visit me, but she doesn't know when its the best time for it, but she will let me know in any case.

So here we are, 3 weeks after and still no sign. I don't know if really she understood that I would like to meet in February, but lets be serious, I don't think it does matter now. I never bombarded or sent her annoying messages, but I have the feeling if I would send her something now, I’d annoy her. I feel like it is a dead end and I've to get out of this misery.
Hey Sector,

I am sorry for your pain. I think what you need is bluntness.

I have bolded what it is. For her, it's too far, too costly and too much of a investment and it's out of her way to do it. Something that she is not willing to take on. She did attempt to tell you this but it it seems you brushed it off and attempted to impose your will on her anyway. At best, she may have slid you into the "A friend I know in a different city" for that once in a awhile conversation or just incase she needs help if she stops by the city. Her actions are a reflection of her mind so read into that instead of what she is saying. If she is the one to start conversations, initiate plans etc. her mind is on you 100%. If she's sometimes on and sometimes off, she's unsure in her mind. If she doesn't attempt to reach out at all, her mind isn't on you.

You're mourning what could have been/what you hoped for her to be, rather than whom she actually is. Sometimes we do this when we are feeling things in our own lives. Loneliness, insecurity etc. We end up focusing those things onto someone. Being with that person can become a need..a way to save us from all of it. Can be a projection. And all of it is exacerbated by her push and pull attitude since it triggers anxiety. I'm not saying that's you but it's a possibility. I would explore it.

Accept who she is and what the situation is. She's a person who doesn't want a longterm relationship. She disappeared and doesn't seem to be interested in whether you're alive or not nor does she seem interested in continuing to get to know you. She chose that. Why chase? Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care? Who's only half committed at best?

- Beach
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People are meant to be loved. Things are meant to be used. The problem is we use people and love things..

Last edited by Beachead; 26th February 2019 at 11:58 AM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:34 PM   #7
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Accept who she is and what the situation is. She's a person who doesn't want a longterm relationship. She disappeared and doesn't seem to be interested in whether you're alive or not nor does she seem interested in continuing to get to know you. She chose that. Why chase? Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care? Who's only half committed at best?
- Beach
Hello Beach!

Thank you very much for your reply! Everything you wrote is true. I'm probably experiencing projection. When thinking about her bad traits, I can't think of any, because I don't know her well enough, but I still hold on to her good traits. I don't know why it is so difficult for me.

The thing that saddens me the most is that even a platonic friendship seems to be unlikely at the moment.
Here is an excerpt from my journal the day I met her. It is the last sentence of the entry:
Quote:
If nothing happens between us, I hope to have found a good friend.
After our first date I was not sure how I feel about her, but appearently I wanted her to be my friend from the very first moment, as we got along very well. I'm and was spellbound by the interests we both have in common.
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:34 PM   #8
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Send the mesage is not being needy. It's seeking accountability from somebody who made you a promise.
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:48 PM   #9
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Send the mesage is not being needy. It's seeking accountability from somebody who made you a promise.
I'm in constant fear of making the wrong move and scare this person away. Of course, I want some clarity, but then again I don't want to destroy this acquaintance and prevent friendship by this.

Last edited by Sector; 26th February 2019 at 6:21 PM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:28 PM   #10
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You don't have much of anything to destroy if you can't even communicate about basic civility.

the trick is to make it look like you don't care one way or the other but you do need an answer because you have other pressing social engagements that may need to be rescheduled if you have to fit her in.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:39 PM   #11
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You don't have much of anything to destroy if you can't even communicate about basic civility.

the trick is to make it look like you don't care one way or the other but you do need an answer because you have other pressing social engagements that may need to be rescheduled if you have to fit her in.
Thank you! I‘ll think about it. A friend of mine told me, that if she tells me that she comes, she might be afraid that this would be a sign for me to let me continue pursuing a relationship. Thats apperantly not what she wants.

Somehow I would like to tell her that I accept that if she is not interested in a relationship, I wouldn’t pursue it anymore and then ask her if she is interested in staying in touch for the sake of friendship. This might remove some pressure. But I don‘t know, how to do this correctly.
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:59 PM   #12
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If she thinks that you want a relationship but she doesn't see you romantically that is exactly why she's avoiding you.

If you are OK with friendship only revise the note:
Hey buddy, I thought you were going to be in town in February. I had been hoping we could catch up but I haven't heard from you. What gives?
Very nonchalant.
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:33 PM   #13
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I really feel for young people in the dating scene today. I don't understand the need to not show too much enthusiasm lest someone thinks you are over anxious, or the girl (like my daughters) waiting to hear from the guy and if she doesn't hear from him every "x" days/hours/etc., then he must not be interested, or if she does text him to ask how his day is going before "x" amount of days after they see one another, then he says she's moving too fast. It makes no sense to me. I prefer people who say what they mean and mean what they say.

I agree with d0nnivain. Texting her something like that is not too forward. Heck, I wouldn't be afraid to text her something even more direct and let her know you'd really like to get to know her better and are willing to take the chance regardless of the distance. If that directness scares her away, then you have your answer.
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:42 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
If she thinks that you want a relationship but she doesn't see you romantically that is exactly why she's avoiding you.
If you are OK with friendship only revise the note:
Hey buddy, I thought you were going to be in town in February. I had been hoping we could catch up but I haven't heard from you. What gives?
Very nonchalant.
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Originally Posted by vla1120 View Post
I agree with d0nnivain. Texting her something like that is not too forward. Heck, I wouldn't be afraid to text her something even more direct and let her know you'd really like to get to know her better and are willing to take the chance regardless of the distance. If that directness scares her away, then you have your answer.
Well, I texted her a few days ago and told her I would need to know, if she planned to come in the following days. Unfortunately, she started working earlier than expected and even if she would show up in the following days she could not expect me to postpone my events at short notice. Both our meetings were great for her, but she doesn't think it will work out if she can't even find time now. She says she's very sorry and that everything is her fault and that she doesn't want to give me any more hope by postponing.

I was honest in my answer and told her that there is no fault and that I was afraid that maybe if she tells me to come, she would think that she gives me hope. She was grateful for so much understanding from me.

I don't know if it was the distance or just me, but I'm glad for the closure she gave me - even when it still stings. We agreed to stay in touch and be friends as we like each others personality per se and for the sake of our mutual interests. Hopefully the distance and some time will help me to recover from this experience, which was totally new for me.

Last edited by Sector; 4th March 2019 at 9:57 AM..
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