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Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 20th January 2019, 6:49 PM   #16
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@preraph, don't keep hanging on is good advice.
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Old 20th January 2019, 7:29 PM   #17
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@nolanola, thank you for that. I have actually been bad in that I've asked him to still come to my town (it's long distance), I've also broken other dumpee rules. It's only been the first night and part day, do you think that would have damaged any slim change of getting together in the future?

I might actually do what you suggested about the number, if I can with the phone I have. I want to save all our WhatsApp messages though before deleting the thread, if I were to delete the messages, though I'm not sure it's possible with WhatsApp.

Also when you say NC is SO important you mean in the sense of helping yourself to heal and move on?

By the way I have liked your post, but I'm not sure it's working.
It's ok that you have broken "the rules". Almost everyone does at first because it's just too hard to just pick yourself up and walk away totally. However, the BEST thing you can do right now is to go no contact. It is also the hardest thing to do.

No contact, or "NC", serves several purposes: 1) gives you some breathing room from the situation, 2) helps you to move on and get over the breakup, and 3) has effects on the dumper. Most people focus on #3 and, in my opinion, that's fine if that's what it takes. Particularly if you've "broken the rules" by begging, pleading, crying, whatever, going silent can be a very strong message to the dumper. It basically says that you're moving on and putting your foot down. It basically says "you want me out of your life? so be it". This is the thing that keeps me going the most. Basically, make them live the reality of breaking up with you: that means you are not in their life anymore.

However, NC also helps you. By putting some distance between yourself and the situation (and the dumper), you can start to deal with the emotions of the situation and to see things more clearly. You actually have a huge advantage being long distance. You don't have to worry about running into your ex.

Most people struggle a lot with NC. They just can't let things be. But, I would be willing to bet that no one in the history of the world ever got their ex back by begging, pleading, sending random messages, showing up where their ex happens to be, or anything like that. So if your goal is to get your ex back, you still have to go NC. Read the boards here. See how many people are upset with themselves after breaking NC and how much longer it makes the process.

If you can go NC and just focus on yourself for a while (I know this is hard), I will almost guarantee he will contact you. It might take a while and it will likely be lame ("hey"), but I can almost guarantee it will happen. Hopefully, by that time you will feel better about it all and you'll just laugh about it.
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Old 20th January 2019, 9:23 PM   #18
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@nolanola I know in some people's view, I shouldn't be thinking about him coming back, but do you think the chances are slimmer because:
a) There is someone else he likes and has a connection with and b) I asked him to still come to my town (on a already planned trip) and also said things like, 'maybe you will change your mind about me'.
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Old 20th January 2019, 9:39 PM   #19
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There's no way to tell what will happen with his new situation. However, I can almost guarantee what will happen if you keep contacting him: he will be reassured that you're in the background if this new thing doesn't work out. So he gets to start something with this new woman WITH the backup plan that you're around if he changes his mind. That is not good enough for you!! Don't be someone's backup and don't give him that satisfaction. If he wants to date someone new that he has a "connection" with, then let him.

I can almost guarantee that when that situation goes sideways or starts getting boring or whatever, he will be back and sniffing around to see if you're still there waiting. Please don't give him that satisfaction. He does not deserve it.

I understand wanting someone back, believe me. But right now, he's not treating you as you deserve to be treated. If he wants to get it together, apologize profusely, make it up to you, and ask you to be back together, then he can do that. Until then, this situation is not good enough.

People go through the craziest and most awful breakups and get back together. So there's always a chance. However, it usually seems like there is a long period of no contact in there too. I would assume the relationship is over and try as hard as you can to go on with your life. If he wants to get himself together and treat you right, then you can reconsider.
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Old 20th January 2019, 10:35 PM   #20
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@nolanola We weren't technically in a relationship. And I had declined being in one with him more than once.
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Old 20th January 2019, 10:40 PM   #21
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Always think he DOES NOT miss me and never will .
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Old 20th January 2019, 10:52 PM   #22
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Hi MeadowFlower,

You're probably in shock right now. Most often, the initial pain is so overwhelming that many people go into denial and convince themselves of something that brings them hope that their ex may come back. But as time passes and things remain as they are, it becomes harder to hope and truth re-emerges. Most people at this point will feel depressed and often cope using anger and/or they will go numb. It all feels strange but it's important to remember, it's all natural. It's all part of grieving and it's how you process your pain and move through it. One day you'll wake up and realize, the pain hurts a little bit less. That'll be the day you know you'll be okay.

The best thing you can do right now is to stay in NC and take it easy. It's going to be a rough ride so you'll need all your energy to heal. When you get sad, try to find joy in the simple pleasures. A warm tea. A warm shower. A walk. Don't bombard your life with a busy schedule and block your thoughts. You need to feel your pain to heal from it. If you don't do that, you rob yourself of healing and you'll end up dealing with the pain at a later date.

As I've told many who seek advice, these things aren't decided overnight. He thought about breaking up for awhile while he was with you. It's not because he's confused. Don't try to be friends with him, it's not going to happen. Your heart is broken and you have feelings and the only way to get better is space and time. A friendship is just a false proposal, that is really about him soothing his guilt and trying to feel less like an a** and/or keeping you as a backup plan incase his future pursuits don't work out. It's also about you hoping that if you stay in touch with him, he may change his mind. Makes the friendship non-existent because it becomes insincere. He knows this and therefore he knows by accepting such a terrible deal, you are devaluing yourself just to be with him which makes you look desperate and makes him lose the remaining feelings or respect for you. Overall, while you think you might have a chance if you take the friendship, you actually do quite the opposite.

The silence will bring about his anxiety and he will think about you. It may be in the form of "Did I make a mistake?" or "I wonder what she's up to" when he doesn't hear from you in awhile. That much I know for sure. But don't hope for him to come back to you. Like I said, they thought about ending it for a awhile. It was well-thought out decision. Guilt or doubts or fear or anxiety is what brings that back and it's often for self-serving reasons. Don't want to sit around, waiting. It'll be a waste of your life.

Simply walk away and wish him well. Give him what he wants and let him deal with the silence and the reality of his decision. Let him decide what he wants to do. It's not your problem anymore. He disconnected from you so you have to disconnect from him. But don't do NC to manipulate him back. Do it for you, to help you heal. To help you get your mind back to full form so that you don't miss out on all the great things that can potentially fly your way just because your stuck in your past.

If he flat out came to you and admits to his mistakes and is direct about wanting to give it another try and why..this may be an exception. Anything less of that is a waste of your time.

All in all, I know how hurt you are and I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know my advice is a bit dry and blunt but I've had to learn this stuff over the years the hard way. I don't wish the pain I went through because of inexperience onto anyone else.

Stay Strong and post here whenever you need it.

- Beach
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Last edited by Beachead; 20th January 2019 at 10:59 PM..
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Old 20th January 2019, 11:00 PM   #23
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@nolanola We weren't technically in a relationship. And I had declined being in one with him more than once.
I am highly confused. If you don't want to be in a relationship, then why are you upset that he's talking to another woman? Just curious what you are expecting from this man? Part of the deal is that if you don't commit to someone, they have the option to see other people. Maybe some more information on your situation is needed here...
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Old 20th January 2019, 11:14 PM   #24
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@Beachead, I felt something when I read some of this part, "He thought about breaking up for awhile while he was with you. It's not because he's confused." Not a positive feeling.
It kinda sucks because at first I said I didn't want him to still come to my town, and then I asked him twice if he was still going to come. And even said, 'please do.' Do you think that would've made him lose any remaining feelings and respect for me?
Also, he wasn't asking to be friends.
Thanks Beachead

It's good to focus on healing and be assured (as much as one can be) that it IS over for good, rather than thinking it might not be over or that he might come back.
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Old 20th January 2019, 11:18 PM   #25
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I am highly confused. If you don't want to be in a relationship, then why are you upset that he's talking to another woman? Just curious what you are expecting from this man? Part of the deal is that if you don't commit to someone, they have the option to see other people. Maybe some more information on your situation is needed here...
You don't understand me, and understandably so. We'll just leave it there. Thank you for your advice.

Oh, and what did you find encouraging in the thread you mentioned earlier. I found it in search, but haven't read it all

Last edited by MeadowFlower; 20th January 2019 at 11:20 PM..
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Old 20th January 2019, 11:24 PM   #26
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You don't understand me, and understandably so. We'll just leave it there. Thank you for your advice.

Oh, and what did you find encouraging in the thread you mentioned earlier. I found it in search, but haven't read it all
Read it all the way to the end and I think you will have some understanding of how and why NC works.

Good luck to you
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Old 20th January 2019, 11:36 PM   #27
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@Beachead, "But don't hope for him to come back to you. Like I said, they thought about ending it for a awhile. It was well-thought out decision." Ouch... There is SOME hope though isn't there? That he could change his decision?
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Old 21st January 2019, 12:53 AM   #28
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@Meadowflower

There's always hope..but hope is no guarantee. Are you willing to put your life on hold for a maybe?

For your sanity, I recommend you embrace the worst case scenario and resume as if there isn't any hope.

You will have to emotionally deplete yourself until holding on becomes too hard and letting go is the relief, rather than the other way around. After that, the hard part of your grief is over. The rest will be far simpler.

Stay strong.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 21st January 2019 at 1:41 AM..
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Old 21st January 2019, 3:07 AM   #29
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He just messaged me and said he's not going to come, and etc. I didn't reply.
He is definite about it being over.
It's amazing how things can change.
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Old 21st January 2019, 4:38 AM   #30
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I also have guilt about some thing/s.

This is a quote,
"Breathe. Youíre going to be okay. Breathe and remember that youíve been in this place before. Youíve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and youíve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings canít break you. Theyíre painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, youíll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass."

Daniell Koepke
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