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Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 20th January 2019, 7:27 AM   #1
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Hey Loveshackers,

I've just been dumped, I don't want to go into details but was wondering if anyone has some support or would like to share what they're going through too.

We know getting dumped can hurt and be sad and maybe even a bit of a shock.
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Old 20th January 2019, 9:26 AM   #2
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It happens & it sucks. First step: Grieve. Give yourself the rest of the log weekend for a good cry & drown your sorrows in comfort food.

Then you start the purge of gathering up all the mementos & either throwing them out or putting them in a box.

Hang in there. The acute phase will pass.
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Old 20th January 2019, 1:03 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
It happens & it sucks. First step: Grieve. Give yourself the rest of the log weekend for a good cry & drown your sorrows in comfort food.

Then you start the purge of gathering up all the mementos & either throwing them out or putting them in a box.

Hang in there. The acute phase will pass.
Thank you so much. Any little support is good. I shouldn't think about all the what ifs and the bad things on my part that caused him to not like me and lose interest, right?
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Old 20th January 2019, 1:40 PM   #4
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How long do you think the acute stage will last?
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Old 20th January 2019, 1:45 PM   #5
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Do you think it's okay to have a little bit of false hope and letting yourself feel like things are as before, to help mask the pain?
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Old 20th January 2019, 2:10 PM   #6
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I have no idea how long the acute stage will last. Grief doesn't operate on a calendar.

For the 1st couple of days whatever gets you through the night.

I'd wait a bit on the self reflection. Right now you just get to have a pity party. Seriously. It's really OK to be all dramatic & sad for the next 24-48 hours. Don't let it spill over to work & don't call in sick but at home. .. . go ahead wallow.

By next weekend you kinda gotta pull yourself together at least on the outside. You don't have to be happy but all the drama & crying & carrying on that you are allowed right now has to stop.

That is when you begin your healing in earnest: Purge. Rearrange your living space. Move -- go for walks, exercise, etc. At this stage I would always plan -- hobbies I wanted to get back into, I'd start setting up something with my single friends to help me get through Valentine's day. I recommend dinner in a non-romantic place (think diner) & an action film (not a chick flick or romance). One of my best newly single & very upset Valentine's days was spent at home eating great chocolate & other decadent treats, listening to Love Stinks, drinking wine & throwing darts at a picture of my EX I taped to a dart board. It was really cathartic.
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Old 20th January 2019, 4:54 PM   #7
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There's nothing I can do or say to change the way another person feels about me.
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Old 20th January 2019, 4:56 PM   #8
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I have no idea how long the acute stage will last. Grief doesn't operate on a calendar.

<snip>
Thank you. It sucks to know I didn't make it.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 20th January 2019 at 6:08 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 20th January 2019, 4:59 PM   #9
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I've decided this is my personal thread of sharing feelings. Anyone else is free to chip in too.

I must always think of it as being that he DOES NOT CARE about me or about how we aren't together. Someone can drill that in to me if you like.
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Old 20th January 2019, 5:25 PM   #10
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Hi Meadowflower, welcome. Breakups suck a lot, especially if you're on the receiving end. The first period is horrible, just for the shear amount of emotions that you feel. For me, this time period usually lasts a few weeks. My opinion on the best way to deal? Go ahead and feel whatever you need to feel right now. Cry, lay in bed, whatever. At least try to take a shower and leave the house once a day though. It will make you feel better.

I agree with d0nnivain. At some point, you need to at least pick yourself up and try to put on a good face. Doesn't mean you have to feel fine, just try to look better. Don't be that woman crying in the bathroom at work, at least not daily. I also think that whatever you need to think to yourself to self soothe is fine, especially in the beginning. And whatever you have to do to keep from calling or texting your ex. In fact, right now, it might be best to write their number on a piece of paper and remove their number from your phone. Then hide the piece of paper. You don't want to text them something in a moment of weakness; at least this makes it harder. A lot of people on this site are big fans of blocking and deleting, but that can take a bit of time to get there (if you get there, some people don't need to).

Read things on this board, there are lots of stories of people succeeding with no contact. Which usually means they were able to move on. There's a great one that's helped me a lot called "I feel so rejected". No contact is SO important. Read the no contact guide -- it's really good too and will make you feel better.
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Old 20th January 2019, 5:46 PM   #11
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Unless you've been dumped before for the same reason, don't go blaming yourself and thinking, What did I do wrong? What didn't I have? Always remember every person is different and has different ideas of what they want in a relationship. It's not like in the movies. One person wants someone exciting, the next wants someone like their mother to just take care of them. Don't let it erode your self-worth, in other words, because what's poison for one guy is pudding to the next! It helps to remember that even though you may not understand what happened, he just realized before you did that you were not a good match. He knew something you didn't know, he wanted something you had no way of knowing, or he just has this vision in his head he's trying to match and needs to mature and realize the dream woman doesn't exist. There are people who can, as an old 60s band wrote, "love the one you're with" and people who keep following the dream of the ideal person that lives in there head.

There are also shallow people, who maybe are just so simple that they think, I just don't see myself with a blond for ever after." Again, vision in their head, OR using the other person as a trophy.

So just know that it wasn't the right person for you. If it was, he'd still be there. That's all. The longer you date, the more you find out about a person and your compatibility, so sometimes things start off great but then fall apart as the dating behavior falls away and you really get to know each other.

Anyway, sorry you're hurting. We've all been there. Just don't keep hanging on. Mourn and then make yourself start socialing as soon as possible and keep moving.
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Old 20th January 2019, 5:59 PM   #12
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I shouldn't think about all the what ifs and the bad things on my part that caused him to not like me and lose interest, right?
Unless you know otherwise, my guess is that you did nothing wrong at all and it's just a compatibility issue. I'm sure you're the perfect woman for someone else xxx
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Old 20th January 2019, 6:27 PM   #13
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He hasn't replied to my last messages... Maybe he never will.
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Old 20th January 2019, 6:37 PM   #14
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@nolanola, thank you for that. I have actually been bad in that I've asked him to still come to my town (it's long distance), I've also broken other dumpee rules. It's only been the first night and part day, do you think that would have damaged any slim change of getting together in the future?

I might actually do what you suggested about the number, if I can with the phone I have. I want to save all our WhatsApp messages though before deleting the thread, if I were to delete the messages, though I'm not sure it's possible with WhatsApp.

Also when you say NC is SO important you mean in the sense of helping yourself to heal and move on?

By the way I have liked your post, but I'm not sure it's working.

Last edited by MeadowFlower; 20th January 2019 at 6:45 PM..
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Old 20th January 2019, 6:49 PM   #15
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Ah, so it's long distance. Most likely it was the distance which became too much and wasn't anything you did wrong at all. Long distance is difficult for the best of us.
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