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Unrequited love of 2 yrs rejected me for another man and now pregnant


mantis214

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TL;DR unrequited love of 2 years chose another man over me, got pregnant, now being sucked into a marriage she doesn’t want, and it’s breaking my heart.

 

Like the title says...

 

I work at a broadcasting station and met this girl through work, who’s a freelance reporter. I had a chance to hang out with her several times along with my colleagues... even went on a ski trip to the countryside together. i could sense that she was slightly interested in me back then, or curious at the very least, but i didn’t make a move... thinking that i didn’t know her well enough at the time. in hindsight, it was probably over back then, as any sense of mystery and anticipation she may have initially had, evaporated and i was squarely put in the friendzone in her mind. MISTAKE #1

 

Eventually, she left the station to find work someplace else and i hear that she found a new boyfriend. she seemed very focused on the relationship, so our meet-ups became more infrequent and contact very sporadic, but i started developing very strong feelings for her. over the course of the following 6 months, it completely took hold of me to the point where i couldn’t eat or sleep and spent all day combing through her social media accounts. i'm 35 and have had a few LTRs under my belt, but i have never had such debilitating oneitis over one girl and it was driving me to the brink of insanity. so one day, i invite her out for dinner and drinks and i confessed my feelings to her. MISTAKE #2

 

I did it make it clear that I wasn’t trying to be a homewrecker and steal her away, but that i simply needed to tell her, because holding it in any longer surely would have killed me. she did seem to appreciate my honesty and we parted on good terms.

 

I should have walked away then, but a few weeks later, i re-initiated contact with her, and found out she had broke up with her boyfriend. so of course, i jump on the opportunity, but my desperation and neediness is painfully obvious. but i guess she was happy to be getting my attention during that rebound phase, and i proceeded to spend the next few months texting her every day, wining her, dining her, buying her gifts, even giving her hand-written letters... just about every beta AFC behavior in the book. i continued to make my intentions known all throughout that time, and got a bunch of soft rejections as expected. (e.g. i’m not ready to date anyone, i’m still trying to get over my ex, let’s be friends for now and see what happens later etc etc). instead of politely rejecting her offer of friendship, i allowed myself to get emotionally invested in her for the better part of 6 months while getting nothing in return. #MISTAKE 3

 

Eventually, things boil over. despite all of the attention i was giving her, my clingyness and constant requests to be my girlfriend probably annoyed her. i texted her a seemingly innocuous comment about her physical appearance, and she blows it out of proportion and completely loses her ****. proceeds to unfollow me on all forms of social media and says we’re no longer even friends, but that we can stay professional acquaintances. i feel completely used and although i refrained from name-calling, i did tell her that i felt she had strung me along and played with my feelings. this sets her off even more, saying that she had offered to be friends, and if i didn’t like it, it was my job to walk away. (she was right actually)

 

That was 9 months ago. My feelings remained as strong as ever though, but just a few weeks after our meltdown, she got herself a new boyfriend. i feel completely insulted and worthless. continued to sporadically text her out of desperation, first apologizing, then trying to engage her in casual conversation, but all i would get were one-word replies hours later or she would straight up ignore me.

 

So I grew a pair and went full no contact. Started hanging out with my friends more, focusing on work, my hobbies, went on a few vacations. i couldn’t date anyone because i was afraid of getting hurt again and in my oneitis frame of mind, no woman on earth could ever replace her. i still thought about her nearly every day, but at least managed to stay away from her for 6 months. Progress.

 

Then a few weeks ago, i find out that she’s getting married and i can’t help but break no contact to ask her about it. MISTAKE #4 the biggest one of all.

 

We agree to meet. (stupid on my part, i know) 9 months since the fight and 6 months of no contact later, things are amicable again. but she tells me her story. she’s 12 weeks pregnant. she wanted to get an abortion, but missed her timing to get it done safely. her boyfriend is also pressuring her to have the baby and his parents had threatened to press charges against her if she had gotten the abortion (it’s illegal in our country). so, a shotgun marriage then. she tells me she doesn’t want to go through with it, only that being a single mom simply isn't an option for her. she’s also been having a lot of problems with her boyfriend lately, and that he doesn't feel at all like he's the right one. she starts crying a little. it’s torturous enough that i lost the love of my life, but to watch her suffer triggers feeling of sad empathy and creates a toxic combination of emotions in my mind that i can’t even begin to describe. the rest of our meet-up that day is a big blur, and i only remember giving her a tight hug before we parted ways and i almost broke down crying myself.

 

she’s tying the knot this saturday and i know she’s deeply unhappy. and i’m at my condo drowning myself in alcohol, looking towards the window and seriously entertaining the thought of jumping out of it. if i wasn’t so scared of how much it might hurt when i hit the ground, i think i would have done it a hundred times over. please help me, fellow members. whatever it is you have to say, i would love to hear your thoughts.

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TL;DR unrequited love of 2 years chose another man over me, got pregnant, now being sucked into a marriage she doesn’t want, and it’s breaking my heart.

 

 

You're in the friend zone, STILL, as you have always been. And since she knows you are in love with her she knows she can cry on your shoulder anytime and like a good beta male provider, you see this as your opportunity to steal her away and finally get her. Even to raise another man's child. Think about that for a minute! While you were combing her media, pining, writing, she was in bed with another man, not giving a crap that you were "in love" (which you aren't in love with her, just the fantasy you have concocted of her).

 

While you were pining away, she was enjoying the bed of another man (and probably many more you don't know about).

 

She doesn't respect you as a man she could love, she sees you as a convenient emotional Kleenex she can blow her nose into when she needs some sympathy or to unload her emotions. Now that you've done her boyfriends job, she can go home happy and sleep with him at night. You do the hard work for him and now he gets to enjoy all the benefits of her love.

 

If you have ANY shred of self-respect, you will ditch this woman, block her, lose her number and get therapy if you need it.

 

You don't know she's unhappy, 100%. Some fraction of her is, some other part that you don't see the other hours of the day, may be just fine. What do you think is going to happen here? Are you going to be a white knight swinging from the chandelier on her wedding day to rescue her from this man holding her against her will? Come on man. She doesn't HAVE to marry anyone. I'm trying to be nice, but you are totally self-delusional. You're her free therapist and now that she's unloaded all her emotional baggage on you, she can go back to the man that doesn't listen to her BS and shares her bed an night. Sorry to be harsh, but you are totally beta as you have correctly identified. You need therapy man, and I don't say that very much.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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Thanks, I needed that. I have in fact booked an appointment with a therapist next week.

 

I know exactly what's going on. Like I said, I knew I was more or less permanently stuck in the friend zone long ago, and the only reason why I still "love" her is because of all my fantasies that I projected onto her as well as sunk costs.

 

But knowing and understanding this rationally, and trying to detach myself emotionally simply don't seem to go hand in hand.

 

I wish there were other ways I could help myself in the meantime aside from therapy, because i've been working hard, meeting my friends, finding new hobbies, now trying to date new girls (should've done this from the start), but once she pops into my head, it's like a runaway freight train that i can't stop.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Thanks, I needed that. I have in fact booked an appointment with a therapist next week.

 

I know friend and please know I'm not trying to be cruel. But this just isn't healthy. I've had a somewhat similar unrequited love situation and it's easy to let your imagination run wild with these things. What you need to do is know this woman was never yours. One woman, one chance, per lifetime. It didn't work out when you tried initially. That's it, one and done.

 

Plus think logically about a life with this woman. Is this what you want, or think you deserve? She's a mess and she's obviously doesn't have a good people picker. At best, you're a back up option, but you deserve better. What kind of a person does this to someone? She knows you're in love so she primes you as her beta male parachute. You have to keep in mind what she did, when she had her complete free will. She rejected you for a guy who has to have his parents threaten her with law suits. So your best option in life is sloppy seconds to clean up some other guys mess that she was complicit in creating, when she could have had you all along? Granted, you made a lot of mistakes, but look at the mess her mistakes have gotten her into. Just think all this work you have done in your life and you think the best you deserve is a woman that's rejected you non-stop, and cries on your shoulder because she didn't get an abortion quick enough and is now going to get married to man she doesn't love? You can do much better. Just imagine being that guy. That could be YOU! TBH being single would be better than that life!

Edited by TheFinalWord
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I wish there were other ways I could help myself in the meantime aside from therapy, because i've been working hard, meeting my friends, finding new hobbies, now trying to date new girls (should've done this from the start), but once she pops into my head, it's like a runaway freight train that i can't stop.

 

Nice job with therapy friend.

 

For me, the key is staying busy. If you just sit around and think, or start drinking, you're going to let your imagination run wild.

 

I don't know if you are into working out, but exercise can help a lot. It can burn off the stress and help you vent your frustrations into something healthy, as opposed to drinking. Also cleaning. When I'm going through a break up (which is what you might think of this as; breaking up with the fantasy of her you created), I put on my earphones and clean my house top to bottom. I would also get rid of anything related to her that you have. The gigs of files, social media, everything. Treat it like a break up (tons of videos on YouTube you can watch). Even more than that, like a death. This woman is DEAD to you.

 

Time will heal all, but you need to never contact this woman again. NEVER. Because anytime you do, you're undoing any progress and starting from scratch. Block numbers, block social media, everything. I think there are even companies you can work with that will block pages and not give you the password to stop your obsessive compulsive behavior.

 

Hang in there friend, because this is basically a type of break up and you can get through it...

Edited by TheFinalWord
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Nice job with therapy friend.

 

For me, the key is staying busy. If you just sit around and think, or start drinking, you're going to let your imagination run wild.

 

I don't know if you are into working out, but exercise can help a lot. It can burn off the stress and help you vent your frustrations into something healthy, as opposed to drinking. Also cleaning. When I'm going through a break up (which is what you might think of this as), I put on my earphones and clean my house top to bottom. I would also get rid of anything related to her that you have. The gigs of files, social media, everything. Treat it like a break up.

 

Time will heal all, but you need to never contact this woman again. NEVER. Because anytime you do, you're undoing any progress and starting from scratch.

 

Yeah, exercising seemed to work best out of everything. I also downloaded a meditation app to help me go to sleep, because that's when I seem to struggle the most. I can keep myself as busy as I can, but at the end of the day when I lie in bed quietly at night, that's when it hits me the hardest.

 

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, alcohol is just about the worst. I just woke up after a heavy binge-drinking session last night and nearly had a full-blown anxiety attack.

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Yeah, exercising seemed to work best out of everything. I also downloaded a meditation app to help me go to sleep, because that's when I seem to struggle the most. I can keep myself as busy as I can, but at the end of the day when I lie in bed quietly at night, that's when it hits me the hardest.

 

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, alcohol is just about the worst. I just woke up after a heavy binge-drinking session last night and nearly had a full-blown anxiety attack.

 

It's alright man, you're going to get through this.

 

I don't know your age, but take this is a MASSIVE lesson. You ask a girl out once, and preferably quickly once you meet her, and if she rejects you, you move on and never look back. Even if she just got out of something, you'll likely be a rebound anyway.

 

It's a numbers game. Men with top sexual market value have a roughly 80:20 success rate. So, you have to be realistic and know it's a numbers game and there are so many women out there that would give you the time of the day and a chance. In my own experience, it's always easier to go to someone else, rather than to try to correct courting mistakes made in the courting process. We all make mistakes, not everyone identifies those mistakes as you have. The pain of this experience, will make it unlikely you'll repeat these same mistakes.

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Seems you have good insight into your own problem and you are going down the right road in trying to forget her, by busying yourself elsewhere... it'll just take time.

 

Moral of the story; when a woman says "We are just friends", believe her.

It is perfectly possible for a woman to become very close friends with a guy and have absolutely NO attraction for him in a sexual/romantic way, in fact the very thought of it may make her go "ew" as she does not see him in that way whatsoever. Rarely does that opinion change, it is often formed about a minute into meeting for the first time.

"Great friend material, but no spark, no chemistry, no attraction..."

 

 

I guess she is a whole lot younger, and you saw in her your future. That is why you are so upset, your dreams are shattered, the what ifs are killing you, but there was nothing there and there will be nothing there and you need to fully realise that.

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Yeah and very possible for a guy to have zero interest in a female friend other than friends too, there's not much you can do man.

And whatever she's doing or marrying or falling for, l mean it's tough titties for her, really, let it go she made her bed and left you in her wake .

 

You don't need that bullshyt , really , you can do 5fold better , keep the faith.

Years ago l felt like that about someone like that myself but you know what, a few years after that l was married to someone new that the other could NOT have even stood in the shadow of. Anddd, she went on to make the biggest mess of her life and men and God knows what else, l just thanked God l never did get involved with her.

Edited by chillii
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It's a numbers game. Men with top sexual market value have a roughly 80:20 success rate. So, you have to be realistic and know it's a numbers game and there are so many women out there that would give you the time of the day and a chance. In my own experience, it's always easier to go to someone else, rather than to try to correct courting mistakes made in the courting process. We all make mistakes, not everyone identifies those mistakes as you have. The pain of this experience, will make it unlikely you'll repeat these same mistakes.

 

Yeah, if I was going to learn a lesson out of this anyway, better that it was a hard one. Like you said, there are millions of women out there and it's all about having an abundance mentality, but I just worry about one thing. Somebody once said,... show me a player and I'll show you a person who's had his heart broken by the love of his life, a long time ago. I don't want to give into resentment and blame this woman for turning me into a cynic and destroying my ability to love anyone else, when I pretty much did most of the damage all by myself.

 

But, at this point, I feel like all of the previous ideas I've had about women were an illusion, and I'm not sure if I can trust any other girl ever again. It would suck for whoever I date next, to have to deal with me being distant and emotionally unavailable, just because of all of my negative experiences with the One TM which isn't her fault. In the end, is this what it's all about? a game and a competition to see who cares less and who gives in to say "I love you" first? I definitely won't make the same mistakes all over again, but it feels like I'm going to go completely in the opposite direction and act very aloof and cold towards women I date, as a sort of defense mechanism.

 

I'm wondering if you'd had a similar loss of faith in women in general after a break-up and how you dealt with it?

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Ahh, wouldn't be surprised if that PR's a women, with one hell of ahh, bee up her pants.

Anyway , we've all messed up you'll recover, and l mean 6mths and she got herself preg , and she can't even get her ass to a clinic in time, she's made her bed, l mean wtf

 

Drop the whole damn thing , really , your a lucky man and l know ya don't wanna think about it yet but there's a lotttaaa fish out there.

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Where and when did she betray your trust?

 

I don’t mean to say she betrayed my trust, but I feel like she could’ve handled the situation better herself instead of continuing to hang out with me when she clearly knew I had feelings for her that she wasn’t willing to reciprocate. I’m wondering if this is just a subconscious thing that many women do. Not that they’re deliberately trying to take advantage of others, but simply using the “just friends” label to feign ignorance of the friendzoned guy’s suffering while extracting all of the benefits they need. But in the end, it’s not her fault like I said earlier. I never had to agree to being friends with her. I just didn’t have the guts to walk away.

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Where and when did she betray your trust?

 

How about when she stated she wanted to be friends only but then continued to use his shoulder and emotional support?

 

Do not for one second try to convince me that she did not know that his feelings were more than friend for her. She knew it, and she didn't care. She could have easily said "this is more than a friendship to you, and I'm not comfortable with it" and then ended it. Instead, she knew where his head was at yet continued to use his "friendship" to get what she wanted.

 

This is example "A" on why women get the label of "user" attached to them. On the flip side, let's reverse the situation and say that she was interested in him but he was not interested in her. No he gets the tag of being as "a$$" or a jerk or a player because he was not into her.

 

Men are put in a very bad place when it comes to women at times where they feel they can do no right...

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Drop the whole damn thing , really , your a lucky man and l know ya don't wanna think about it yet but there's a lotttaaa fish out there.

 

Yeah, I guess it’s a good thing that she’s getting married. Snuffs out the 1/1000000 of a chance that I thought I had of being with her. And no, I don’t want any part of the mess she’s in.

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Do not for one second try to convince me that she did not know that his feelings were more than friend for her. She knew it, and she didn't care. She could have easily said "this is more than a friendship to you, and I'm not comfortable with it" and then ended it. Instead, she knew where his head was at yet continued to use his "friendship" to get what she wanted.

 

Oh, she knew. I didn’t even make it discrete. I straight up told her that I wanted something more, and she kept saying she needed more time to “think about it”, but that we could stay friends in the meantime and this went on for several months.

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Oh, she knew. I didn’t even make it discrete. I straight up told her that I wanted something more, and she kept saying she needed more time to “think about it”, but that we could stay friends in the meantime and this went on for several months.

 

And in all that time YOU were free to walk away. If your needs are not being met, it is up to you to take control and say "No, that does not suit me."

She was not your lover or your gf or your wife, she owed you nothing. She specified her terms, you decided to stick around anyway... that is not on her it is on you.

 

This is not a gender thing either, some women will stick around like love-sick pups with guys who promise them nothing too. It is also up to them to say "No more", and go find a guy who does appreciate them.

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And in all that time YOU were free to walk away. If your needs are not being met, it is up to you to take control and say "No, that does not suit me."

She was not your lover or your gf or your wife, she owed you nothing. She specified her terms, you decided to stick around anyway... that is not on her it is on you.

 

This is not a gender thing either, some women will stick around like love-sick pups with guys who promise them nothing too. It is also up to them to say "No more", and go find a guy who does appreciate them.

 

I disagree with that statement so much is not even funny. Typical blaming of a good heart as the cause of a broken one.

 

If you cannot see that he was being manipulated and find no fault in what she did, that tells me a whole bunch about your ego.

 

He was doing what men do...

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And in all that time YOU were free to walk away. If your needs are not being met, it is up to you to take control and say "No, that does not suit me."

She was not your lover or your gf or your wife, she owed you nothing. She specified her terms, you decided to stick around anyway... that is not on her it is on you.

 

No, she doesn’t owe me anything, but she could have been more honest instead of instilling false hope by coming up with excuses like she wasn’t ready to get back in the dating game and was getting over her ex-boyfriend et al.

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I disagree with that statement so much is not even funny. Typical blaming of a good heart as the cause of a broken one.

 

If you cannot see that he was being manipulated and find no fault in what she did, that tells me a whole bunch about your ego.

 

He was doing what men do...

 

This is not abuse, she did not have a gun to his head, he stuck around as HE saw an opportunity he was not willing to let go of. If anyone was manipulative it could be said it was he, trying to bribe her into having a relationship with him and getting upset when she turned him down.

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No, she doesn’t owe me anything, but she could have been more honest instead of instilling false hope by coming up with excuses like she wasn’t ready to get back in the dating game and was getting over her ex-boyfriend et al.

 

 

Did you never consider she was trying to let you down gently?

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I disagree with that statement so much is not even funny. Typical blaming of a good heart as the cause of a broken one.

 

If you cannot see that he was being manipulated and find no fault in what she did, that tells me a whole bunch about your ego.

 

He was doing what men do...

 

Not OP but...what men do...?

 

So for TWO YEARS, you would hang around a woman who was stringing you along? for TWO YEARS you would not date anyone else and obsess over this one woman who was giving nothing back to you emotionally or romantically?

 

She also did tell him she was not interested and cut contact with OP for 6 months before HE contacted HER. Knowing full well she was not interested in him like that.

 

OP it sounds like you have deeper psychological issues which I think do not even relate to this woman per say. It is not 'normal' to be this obsessed with someone who barely gave anything back. You need to look at what is missing in your life to have made this women your 'saviour'

 

Also judging all women by this situation is frankly laughable as you can easily avoid getting involved with someone like this again. Go get some therapy.

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Did you never consider she was trying to let you down gently?

 

Of course I did. But if you genuinely cared about the other person’s feelings in the long-run, you rip the band-aid clean off, instead of vague rejections that could imply “not now, but maybe later” or “prove your worth to me”.

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You willingly stayed around her as an orbiter, now whose fault was that?

 

Even if she might be a tiny bit interested in you at the beginning, which I highly doubt given how upset she was at some points, your clingy behaviors are going to send the vast majority of women running for the hills. I cringed just reading your opening thread.

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