Catfish, Flying Monkeys and Orbiters... oh my

[Rayce]

Frist let me thank everyone here who has already posted... you give me strength to get my own story out. It's scary... but here goes.

 

My situation involves a group of friends I had in grade school and into high school (40 years ago) that I reconnected with a few years ago.

It's very complicated but here is a rundown of the players:

My ex the catfish, he is married and who I am currently in NC with.

His brother (B) the instigator, he was my friend but extremely jealous of my feelings for my ex because I was his friend first.

Some mutual friends:

Flyting monkey A (FMA): my childhood best friend and also my ex’s brother’s friend.

Flying monkey B (FMB) and the orbiter: Another mutual childhood friend of all of us.

 

My ex was 19 and I was 17 the last we saw each other. We were just getting to know each other. It was young love and who knows where it would have gone. My father was a retired cop and for other reasons I really don’t know he moved our family over 500 miles away. He used promises and threats to get me to go. I never got to say goodbye to my ex. I was heartbroken. It took a long time to get over him. The result was unresolved feelings in my heart for someone that I loved very much. We didn’t part on bad terms. We never had a fight… we were falling in love.

 

We moved from the city to the mountains. The first year we lived there we didn’t have running water, power or even an address. It was just a PO Box. My parent’s destroyed all my journals and all the contact information for any of my friends left behind. Years later… A failed marriage and couple of failed relationships later and along with extreme amount of trauma suffered… I finally broke away and moved my teenagers back to a city. I wanted a better life for them and the mountain town was not it. I became a devoted single mother. I finished raising my kids, got my Master’s degree. Focused on my career, went to therapy, worked on my issues… blah blah… I tried online dating with no success.

 

The last guy that asked me out was over 10 years ago. He lied to me about his name and when I broke it off he proceeded to stalk me for 6 months when it climaxed to him breaking into my home and causing over $10K in damages. Every relationship I have ever had has ended in violence so I pretty much just gave it up. I got to a place where I was content with being single. I had a good job, great daughter and grandkids close by… yeah I was feeling pretty relaxed in my life.

 

Then in the summer of 2016 I came across his Facebook page. I sent him a friend request but it wasn’t accepted. I also found all these other friends including his brother and connected with them. I learned that my ex was married so I left it at that. In Nov 2016 when I got an IM message from him of course I followed up… two years later… now I am here.

I didn’t want to communicate with my ex because he was married. Next thing I know he is IM with a fake account. He shares it with his buddy. They use it to promote their music. I paid no attention to all the young girls on his friends list. There are lots of musicians and it seems as if only he and was interacting on the site.

 

My ex and his brother created some music together and because I had a Master’s degree in computer science my ex asked me if I could make some video’s for them. I never tried anything like that so I was thrilled at this opportunity to help out my friends. So my ex snail mailed me a cd with their music. Right away I could relate. It was as if the songs were about me! So with easy I was creating music videos for them of their original music. We were just old friends at point. His brother and my friend had been leading me to believe he was unhappy in his marriage. Maybe we could have a future together. It was a fun time being friends again after all these years.

Then my father died in Oct 2017 and everything switched. The very next day the brother is texting messaging me and mad because I wasn't working on his special project. No compassion whatsoever. Shortly after that I learn he and my childhood friend have been talking on the phone. She then calls me and feeds me a story that was so unreal I had to see my ex in person for myself. It was a smear campaign all the way and my friend was telling me all these crazy things about my ex. Here is an example: In her last call to me she was calling me all kinds of names in French and Italian… telling me things like my ex-wife’s brothers belong to MS13 gang and they were going to chop my head off. Then out of the blue on New Year’s Eve 2017 his brother picked a fight with me just so he could give me his version of the dirt on his brother.

 

Clearly these people have a problem with me talking to my ex. They are out to warn me. It was all so far-fetched that really it just got me wanting to see him. We live in different states so I made trip. It was a great reunion but he is committed to his marriage… it wasn’t just his wife but a community of people. I respect that. Maybe it would be just once…maybe more an A. I felt he had the right to know what his brother and my friend had been telling me about him so I shared the actual IM chat log and email they sent me.

When I went home it was really hard I was crushed. I posted some songs and a broken heart on Facebook. I didn’t know if I could handle an A so I went NC for month. During this time Flying Monkey B reached out to me to find out if I was ok… he wanted to know if I was ok. The thing is no one but my ex knew I had made the trip… so how did he know. He was observing our Facebook pages and figured it out. I missed him so much after a month it didn’t matter to me. I don’t want to go into my history but I was ok with whatever type of relationship he wanted.

 

I decided I didn’t need the negative input from others so I distanced myself from those who wanted to make me feel like crap. Everything seemed to be ok between me and my ex for several months as we resumed our EA. We tried the A thing and I make another trip to see him in Oct but this time it didn’t go as well. He has too much guilt and then I feel horrible because he feels bad. He said something that I thought odd. He said that Flying Monkey B had reached out to him and wanted to know what he did to me. What was really weird… because I have never even had a conversation with this guy since the 70’s? Why would he be reaching out to my ex because I posted a broken heart on my facebook page. What do I remember about him? He was always crushing on me but I was never interested.

 

Anyway shortly after I get home I lost my job. A few weeks later I find a posting from his fake account that leads me to believe he is running off with a 19 year old from Brazil. Problem is the 19 year old thinks she is talking with a 31 year old music producer and not some 59 year old grandpa. These posting had the same date and timestamp as the text messages he was sending me. It was too much for me… My head exploded and I vented vile things before going NC. It was a knee jerk reaction and I feel horrible for the way I behaved. Jealousy is such an ugly thing and I am deeply ashamed. Because he shares this account with others and possible his brother I really can’t be sure who posted what. It smells fishy all the way around. This behavior is more in line with the brother than it is for my ex. It doesn’t really matter at this point. I feel used and it really bothers me that my creativity could be used to trick unsuspecting women so I made all the videos private and changed the password. He is married and committed to his relationship so I am going to just take this opportunity to exit. I just wish it didn’t have to be with me thinking creepy things about him or me being so downright ugly. It’s very upsetting to me.

Edited January 8, 2019 by Rayce

[d0nnivain]

Why do you feel bad? After violence & breaks in with no compassion after your father died & you were grieving.

 

Just give 'em all the heave ho & get some therapy to figure out why you continually repeat the pattern of violent men.

[Rayce]

I am upset because I got jealous and I know I shouldn't of. I am upset because I lost control of my emotions and sped vile things to another human being. I am upset because I care about all of these people but they don't care about me. That does not mean I need therapy. I think the violent men need therapy. Telling me to go get therapy sounds like some victim blaming to me... I have lots of therapy over the years and I do not suffer from any type of mental illness. I am not responsible to the actions of violent men. They don't present themselves as being violent and I am not a mind reader to know if they are. Most people put their best foot forward at the start of a relationship.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't mean it as an insult but therapy is a place where you can get insight into why you keep letting violent people into your life. There is a pattern. Do you know why? It certainly won't change their tendencies but it may help you spot these types before they get into your life.

 

You can be upset. What I still don't understand is why you are so hard on yourself. Maybe you did spew at somebody as you pointed out this people are not exhibiting caring behavior toward you. It's OK to have boundaries & sometime you have to be loud to enforce them.

 

I want you to forgive yourself & recognize that you are somebody deserving of healthy relationships.

[Rayce]

Gosh I am not sure why I keep letting abusive men into my life. I don't really know.. maybe it started with an abusive father who was a cop but beat his wife and kids. Or it was my brother... he didn't want anyone to look at his wife so he knocked out her front teeth... or my ex husband that cheated with everyone in sight including my best friend. Yep I see the pattern too that's why I moved two states away from them all and decided to start a new life. I went to therapy. I went to therapy hoping to learn how to be a good girl and not say or do and act the wrong way that will invoke others to want to physically attack me. Why else would their put their hands around my throat and tried to choke the living daylight out of me. I've tried that. I learned that there is nothing wrong with me but with them. I think it is just dysfunctional America and we have a lot of violent men in our society! I look around me and I see lots of other women going through the same thing as me... sending them all to therapy won't fix everything. Everybody wants to recommend therapy... how a self defense class instead or how to use a firearm so I know what I am doing with my CWP.

[Rayce]

Don't get me wrong... I have faults and I am always about taking ownership and responsibility. I am always working on myself and trying to be best person I can. Sorry if I seem a little short... it is a touchy subject.

[preraph]

As you know, therapy just helps you have someone rational to talk to when you are, apparently, surround by bad people. That's all. It's not an insult or blaming the victim. But I do recommend you take some self-defense classes as well, but it won't stop a gun.

 

I'm sorry you grew up in an abusive family. I imagine by now the past therapists have suggested that you fall in with it because it is what you grew up learning how to cope with and it's familiar to you. You probably let a lot slide because you think it's too petty (just like being mad at yourself for nothing in this post) when you SHOULD be watching for those red flags like the betraying friend and the brother with ulterior motives and the married guy wanting an affair. But you are used to such BIG transgressions and violent acts that these things seem like still water in comparison, so you wade right in, thinking you'd be petty to make an issue or react a better way, which is to cut them out of your life.

 

I'm glad you've learned to be on your own.

[RecentChange]

Gosh I am not sure why I keep letting abusive men into my life. I don't really know.. maybe it started with an abusive father who was a cop but beat his wife and kids. Or it was my brother... he didn't want anyone to look at his wife so he knocked out her front teeth... or my ex husband that cheated with everyone in sight including my best friend. Yep I see the pattern too that's why I moved two states away from them all and decided to start a new life. I went to therapy. I went to therapy hoping to learn how to be a good girl and not say or do and act the wrong way that will invoke others to want to physically attack me.

 

Rayce, is that what they taught you in therapy? Was that really the goal of therapy?

 

Not that your abusive upbringing modeled everything wrong and never taught you what true love was? That it caused an unhealthy pre-disposition to codependency?

 

Not that the abuse caused your self esteem to dwindle, and without a clear understanding of what love and romantic relationship are suppose to be - you instead found yourself drawn to men who were abusive like the situation that you were raised in?

 

Therapy didn't give you tools to start recognizing bad behavior and empower you with the ability to remove these people from your life in the first instance that things seem wrong? You didn't learn to recognize what you missed when you met your husband?

 

The truth is, we often see women in abusive relationships repeatedly. This is because of the issues I outlined above with not recognizing the signs early on that what the man is displaying is not love, but rather abuse and control, just like your father modeled.

 

I see lots of other women going through the same thing as me... sending them all to therapy won't fix everything

 

No, it won't fix everything, but it will hopefully open their eyes so that they do not fall into the same trap again. So that they do not stay with men who display abusive patterns. So that they love themselves enough to demand more for themselves.

 

Unless YOU recognize WHY you allowed such a horrible man into your life, you are very much at risk of ending up right back in an abusive relationship. Moving towns, or learning how to physically fight won't change that.

 

I am upset because I care about all of these people but they don't care about me.

 

This sentence tells me that you still struggle with codependency and self esteem. With caring for people who do not care about you.

 

Those are things therapy can help with. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with "being a good girl" but finding love for yourself, loving yourself so much that you turn into a momma bear bad ass when it comes to protecting YOU.

[Sarah_Smiles]

Wow, I read it all and *hugs* that is a lot you dealt with in past and now current times. I get how you feel you were robbed with a chance with that specific ex because you were moved away abruptly by your dad when young and just getting to know him, but maybe he isn't him you knew long ago, life changes people. And the group he surrounds himself with sounds suspect to me, like busybodies and putting in their 2 cents when not asked for or needed by yourself. I would say put them all in the past and don't look bad, you were as you said in a good place at the time reconnecting and all of them have frazzled you so much in a short amount of time, is it worth feeling how they made you feel? Sometimes leaving the past in the past is best. They asked for your help on the videos were they ever going to pay you for the work you did? or expected a freebie from you? Concentrate on you, kids and grandkids and living your happiest best life and let that bunch devour each other without you.

[Rayce]

Thanks for the responses. I just want to add that I live in the Pacific Northwest (techie land) and it is the worst place in the USA for singles. There are tons of articles about Pacific Northwest Freeze to back this up. Moving here has been great for helping my kids start their life, finishing school and my career but not for my social life. I am proactive about being social and look for opportunity to meet others. I workout at the gym 3 to 4 times a week so I am in good shape. I love to drink beer and my eating habits are horrible. lol... Other than that I am pretty average.

[Rayce]

They asked for your help on the videos were they ever going to pay you for the work you did? or expected a freebie from you?

 

They expected freebie... they were suppose to be just for family and friends. It really tapped into a whole new area of my own creativity... but not with the intent to promote on some fake Facebook account to "catfish" women in other countries.

[Rayce]

I have not responded to any other posting on my thread because of how some of the responses made me feel. I understand that I am a sinner but I did not come here to be judged. Thank you. Peace.