i don't like being indifferent to relationships

[Cochineal]

first of all, hello everyone! this is my first post here, and i figured it should be used to make my intentions clear: i'm looking for input and advice.

apologies in advance for the wall of text, this is the first time i've ever really talked about this to anyone and i have a lot to get off my chest.

 

i've dabbled in dating and romance a few times in life, probably somewhere close to five times in total. most of which were years ago, with one happening recently.

 

within these five times, only about two of the relationships were begun on my own accord. the first time it was, i asked someone who was about four years older than me, largely for the sake of brownie points; i was a lot younger at the time and was just getting into the whole "dating" thing.

the second time was my most recent relationship, and my intentions will be explained later.

 

all five of these relationships had one thing in common: they were one-sided.

not with me, with the person i was sharing it with. that's not to say i didn't care, i tried to show a lot of love and compassion to those that took the time out of their day to share it with me. except... it wasn't out of love for them, it was out of love for doing it.

 

you see, i've never really... like liked anyone, and i would find it hard to say that the love i do manage to feel for people is anything more than platonic.

even back then when i took it more seriously, i saw it more as pretty decorations to one another's sides. as i matured and endured one of the worst back-stabbings of my life from the third relationship (to graze over it, she was my best friend at the time and ended up with me losing my entire friend group from it), i stopped. not just stopped looking, stopped caring.

 

my fourth one began quickly after the third, a newer friend at the time had feelings for me and expressed them, i accepted out of necessity. the relationship held strong for about two years, and then died a slow death because i never meant "i love you" the same way she did.

this fact alone bugs me to no end.

 

after it ended i never bothered looking for another. friends grew up and got their share, family kept wondering when i would follow suit. the quickest answer i could give is "i'm not quite there yet."

they said i'll make it there someday.

 

well, i'm 16 now and still haven't felt anything for anyone i've met. i don't even find people remotely attractive, or see them as anything besides other people.

i'm sure to some this would seem like a blessing, but to me it feels like a disgusting curse. i feel so detached from everyone around me and feel guilty when i can't relate to my peers' romantic endeavors. it's not that i wish i could experience them as well, it's that i wish i wanted to.

 

i guess i'll explain my reasoning for beginning the fifth relationship (which lasted a grand total of two days, but that's an entirely different can of worms and isn't important to this post), and all i can say is that i'm desperate to get out of this twisted phase. i figured the biggest reason i don't seek companionship is that i've simply never sought after it. of course, as the relationship lasted no longer than a weekend i can't say for sure if this is the right path to go down or not.

 

while on one hand i'd love to accept my apathy for romance as a quirk of my being and accept it, it bugs me to no end that i seem so comfortable in doing so. i genuinely don't want to give up on this aspect of life so soon, and when everyone has told me "you'll find the right one eventually" it pains me to say that i've never looked. not out of fear or shyness, but out of a feeling that i'm wasting my time. long story short: i wish i cared, i genuinely do.

 

if you've made it this far, i thank you for your time. it means a lot that you took the time out of your day to read this far and even more so if you have any words to help me. even if you can't or you just skimmed through this, it still warms me that you're here to begin with. honestly, writing this has made me feel a lot better than before and lifted a giant weight off my shoulders.

[SophieG]

If I read correctly, you are 16 years old and had 4 relationships, including one that lasted 2 years?!

[Cochineal]

If I read correctly, you are 16 years old and had 4 relationships, including one that lasted 2 years?!

 

that's correct. i begun around 12 and the first three happened in about two years, with the fourth happening from about 14-15. it wasn't exaaaactly two years, but it was very close. the fifth happened a few months ago. (if it makes more sense, i'm approaching 17 in july)

[SophieG]

that's correct. i begun around 12 and the first three happened in about two years, with the fourth happening from about 14-15. it wasn't exaaaactly two years, but it was very close. the fifth happened a few months ago. (if it makes more sense, i'm approaching 17 in july)

 

In my opinion, 16 years old is fairly young. I work with teens in high school as a therapist and I see it all; some that are deeply in love and some that couldn't care less about romance for now.

 

You say you haven't felt anything for anyone you've met... is that only romantically? Do you have feelings for your friends? How about family members? Or do you mean that you don't feel emotions towards people in general?

[Cochineal]

In my opinion, 16 years old is fairly young. I work with teens in high school as a therapist and I see it all; some that are deeply in love and some that couldn't care less about romance for now.

 

You say you haven't felt anything for anyone you've met... is that only romantically? Do you have feelings for your friends? How about family members? Or do you mean that you don't feel emotions towards people in general?

 

well, that's not the easiest question to answer. it warms my heart to help people and do generous acts, but that doesn't change depending on who i'm talking to. i generally don't feel any different to a friend than i do a stranger, i'll usually act the same way. if what you're asking is if i feel for people, the answer is no. if you're asking if i enjoy helping people, the answer is yes. that fact won't change no matter who it is.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are quite insightful for 16, but you're also being a bit hard on yourself.

 

You are still extremely young and have a lot of life yet to experience. Your post comes across as though you are a lonely 50-year-old, but fortunately for you, you have your whole life in front of you. Relationships that happen in childhood (such as the ones you describe beginning at age 12) are training wheels for the more significant ones yet to come. I don't say that to denigrate you, but the experience of love in adolescence is a completely different ball game to love in adulthood. For now, don't pressure yourself to date girls that you don't particularly like. It's normal at your age to not have met someone you're really interested in.

 

I would not worry too much about it right now. What you are describing is common for teens who haven't found their footing yet. You do you, and your love life will unfold when you're ready for it.

[Cochineal]

I think you are quite insightful for 16, but you're also being a bit hard on yourself.

 

You are still extremely young and have a lot of life yet to experience. Your post comes across as though you are a lonely 50-year-old, but fortunately for you, you have your whole life in front of you. Relationships that happen in childhood (such as the ones you describe beginning at age 12) are training wheels for the more significant ones yet to come. I don't say that to denigrate you, but the experience of love in adolescence is a completely different ball game to love in adulthood. For now, don't pressure yourself to date girls that you don't particularly like. It's normal at your age to not have met someone you're really interested in.

 

I would not worry too much about it right now. What you are describing is common for teens who haven't found their footing yet. You do you, and your love life will unfold when you're ready for it.

 

firstly, thank you for the kind words about the insightful bit. as for everything else, you're right. as someone who's only sixteen (and very much aware of the high difference of teen love and adult love) i haven't given myself enough time to really come to a conclusion.

thank you for responding, and i apologize if my post sounded like i was jumping the gun a bit. for now, all i can do is wait and hopefully let life run its course; maybe i'll find someone, maybe i won't. i'm honestly happy either way. once again, thank for responding to my post and offering me new insight on this- quite frankly- small issue that i shouldn't worry about now.