Other people's happiness is setting me back. Is this normal? I feel horrible.

[PolyPocket]

Hi guys...

 

Today is specially hard. It's my exbf's Birthday and all I want to do is to reach out to him and see how he's doing, but I'm already in 7 weeks NC and I don't want to ruin my progress. I deleted his number a while back so I won't be tempted, but sadly I'm not emotionally getting any better.

 

I've posted in a few threads here and there about the situation with my ex. I was his rebound for a year, and I have ended things with him 10 months in, but he reached out to me for a reconciliation and we became exclusive 2 months after. During those 2 months our differences became more apparent. He was very active....gym, hiking, etc....and I was not, and for some reason that made him unhappy to be with me. He saw it as a problem that couldn't be fixed, but I only saw it as a difference we needed to overcome. Obviously I was more committed into working things out with him, but the longer I fight, the more distant he became. I tried talking to him, but it felt like it was a constant battle to get him to communicate. Suddenly gym and hiking and his friends became more of a priority for him, and I was pushed aside. I hit my limit when I invited him to have dinner with me on my birthday and he declined. That was it for me. I decided to cut contact abruptly, and what hurts the most is that he didn't bother to reach out afterwards either. I should say that he briefly broke NC when he sent me a "Happy Birthday" text.....this was the 2nd week of December....and all I said was "Thank you" and that was it. We had been on NC since then.

 

Things ended for us the week of thanksgiving and Holidays were very hard. My sister met a guy a few weeks before my relationship fell apart and they became official very fast. She invited him to meet the family on New Year's Eve and I felt like I was forced to watch their relationship progress into something I never had with my ex, and I have never felt lonelier. It's like being invited to a wedding after a horrible divorce. I wanted to be happy for her so much, but my heart was aching. She is my best friend and I love her so much, but I couldn't find a way to be happy for her lately. I know she hurts too because she wants to be able to talk to me about her relationship, but she is holding back. Is this normal? Can anyone relate to this?

I feel such a horrible person right now, and I don't know how to change it.

Edited January 6, 2019 by PolyPocket

[d0nnivain]

You are not a horrible person You are human. You are feeling a bit envious, not in a terrible destructive way. You just want what they have.

 

I hate the holidays. Looking on social media at all the happy families doing things in big groups makes me so depressed. I just unplug & stay off the social stuff. Anybody who knows me well & cares can get in touch with me other ways. It helps not to have it rubbed in my face.

 

It's your sister so . . . you get a front row seat but as sad as you are now, you are still in the acute stage of grief & mourning the loss of your relationship. It will dissipate in time. For now, it's OK to lick your wounds. Do something self soothing -- take a hot bath, take a walk, have a good cry, get your hair cut. What you do doesn't matter as much as you caring for yourself.

 

Hang in there.

[MetallicHue]

I have a bad day with just normal stuff and I sometimes get upset when other people are having a good day. I think how you’re feeling is perfectly natural. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough day. Just think that if you get through today tomorrow will be easier. I know it’s tough but you really have to stay strong in NC or it will get even worse. I think being in touch would cause you more pain than you’re going through now. As donni said you are far from a terrible person. Just take each day at a time and while you may have bumps like this things will get better for you.

[PolyPocket]

Thank you guys for your replies. I feel like Adam Sandler in the movie The Wedding Singer after he got ghosted in the altar by his fiancée on their wedding day. He was forced to come to work and sing at a wedding a few days after and he was miserable. He said somewhere along the lines of wanting to punch the groom and brides’s faces for being happy lol.

 

I know that was just a comedy movie, but that’s how I feel. Not that I’d want to punch my sister in the face, but it is hard to see her enjoy the relationship she has with her new bf because, as have already mentioned, I envy her. I was in an almost-relationship with my ex for a year and I didn’t get the commitment I wanted. Meanwhile, she meets a guy less than 3 months ago and they’re official and meeting our parents already. How unfair is that? I don’t know, my situation makes me a bit bitter. She is out with him almost everyday, and when she’s home (we’re room mates) all they do is text. Yesterday me and her were hanging out at home and I made dinner for us. The first thing she did was to take pictures of the food so she can share it with her bf. i start to miss my ex even more. We used to text often when we were dating. Now I hear her phone go off and how excited she gets, then I look at mine and see no messages.

 

Thanks for reading. I guess I’m just venting. It’s been almost 2 months and I thought I’d be over it by now, but it’s still not any easier.

[GinON]

Sounds like the guy wasnt interested in you, and had nothing to do with your hobbies, just an excuse to break things off without knowing why or not wanting to say he doesnt like you anymore.

 

Make some goals. Some long terms, medium term and daily. Write is down every day and work on them every day. This will take your mind off your break up, get you to a place where you are developing yourself and not trying to solve a problem you have no control over. Take control of yourself so you are not living this pain for months and months.

Forgive yourself and accept that you aren't going to succeed everyday.

[PolyPocket]

Sounds like the guy wasnt interested in you, and had nothing to do with your hobbies, just an excuse to break things off without knowing why or not wanting to say he doesnt like you anymore.

 

Make some goals. Some long terms, medium term and daily. Write is down every day and work on them every day. This will take your mind off your break up, get you to a place where you are developing yourself and not trying to solve a problem you have no control over. Take control of yourself so you are not living this pain for months and months.

Forgive yourself and accept that you aren't going to succeed everyday.

 

What upsets me about this was that he asked for the reconciliation, and instead of working things out for the better, all he did was put me back in his evaluation chair and pushed me away over things he didn’t see fit. I didn’t ask for it, I had already ended it properly, and I thought how cowardly of him to not communicate and just end things properly this time since he was the one who reached out. But no, he pushed me away and let me disappear instead. Thinking about how he treated me makes me sad and angry all over.

 

Anyway, Thanks for the reply GinOn. I really appreciate your advise.

[nolanola]

I totally get you PolyPocket. It would be nice if everyone was happy at the same time and sad at the same time. A friend of mine (that I met on one of these message boards!!) just got engaged recently. I am very happy for her. When I first "met" her, she had broken up with her fiancé and moved to a new city. She was devastated and we talked a lot about healing and relationships. She basically went NC from the first moment and has healed a lot in the 2.5 years since I've known her. I'm so happy she has found a man that treats her well but I am so envious that she has moved on. Some of it is because I keep thinking that if I had gone NC at the same time that she had, I would be in a similar place.

[MetallicHue]

Poly - Everything takes time. A broken heart is maybe the most painful emotion people have to go through. People all heal at their own pace. I promise it will get better.

 

Nola- Try not to think about the past and what you could have done better. You can’t change the past - you can only move forward. There are a lot of things I wish I can change - terrible decisions but I know I can’t. Don’t beat yourself up about the timing you decided to go NC.

[PolyPocket]

I totally get you PolyPocket. It would be nice if everyone was happy at the same time and sad at the same time. A friend of mine (that I met on one of these message boards!!) just got engaged recently. I am very happy for her. When I first "met" her, she had broken up with her fiancé and moved to a new city. She was devastated and we talked a lot about healing and relationships. She basically went NC from the first moment and has healed a lot in the 2.5 years since I've known her. I'm so happy she has found a man that treats her well but I am so envious that she has moved on. Some of it is because I keep thinking that if I had gone NC at the same time that she had, I would be in a similar place.

 

Nola, to be honest, I actually also ended it with my ex 5 months in and went back in contact with him after 2 weeks because I realizes I wasn’t ready to let go. Had I stuck to no contact then, I would’ve been so much better now, but I don’t regret it. I would never take those 5 months back and think I made a horrible mistake because I didn’t. I knew what I felt back then, and it gave me more time to be with him, which were not all bad to be honest. Those were the times that gave me hope things could workout in the end.

 

My point is don’t punish yourself for the NC timeline. Look back at what happened between then and now, when you were supposed to have cut contact but didn’t. What did you experience? We’re they all horrible?

Regret will only make you hate yourself and that wouldn’t serve you any good. You did what you did for that time because your heart was genuine and you gave it to him. He just ended up being the wrong guy, that’s all.

[MetallicHue]

 

My point is don’t punish yourself for the NC timeline. Look back at what happened between then and now, when you were supposed to have cut contact but didn’t. What did you experience? We’re they all horrible?

Regret will only make you hate yourself and that wouldn’t serve you any good. You did what you did for that time because your heart was genuine and you gave it to him. He just ended up being the wrong guy, that’s all.

 

Well that was a much more well put version of what I was trying to say. Anyway I don’t want to get in the middle of your discussion but you couldn’t be more right. I hope you two have a better day tomorrow!

[nolanola]

Thanks you guys. I think acceptance is the HARDEST part of all this. Because the brutal reality is that this other person doesn't want to be with us enough and it's hard to just accept that for what it is. There has to be a qualifier: he's going through a lot, he's a narcissist, I wasn't good enough for him. Or you think: If I had done this or that, gone NC earlier, etc it would have worked out. Accepting that it wasn't meant to be for reasons that we may never understand is really hard. I am trying to reinforce this every day but it is an ongoing struggle and I am waiting for that time when it suddenly sinks in and I get some peace. But I know it will happen because it has before.

Hugs to you guys. Sleep well.

[Beachead]

Hi guys...

 

Today is specially hard. It's my exbf's Birthday and all I want to do is to reach out to him and see how he's doing, but I'm already in 7 weeks NC and I don't want to ruin my progress. I deleted his number a while back so I won't be tempted, but sadly I'm not emotionally getting any better.

 

I've posted in a few threads here and there about the situation with my ex. I was his rebound for a year, and I have ended things with him 10 months in, but he reached out to me for a reconciliation and we became exclusive 2 months after. During those 2 months our differences became more apparent. He was very active....gym, hiking, etc....and I was not, and for some reason that made him unhappy to be with me. He saw it as a problem that couldn't be fixed, but I only saw it as a difference we needed to overcome. Obviously I was more committed into working things out with him, but the longer I fight, the more distant he became. I tried talking to him, but it felt like it was a constant battle to get him to communicate. Suddenly gym and hiking and his friends became more of a priority for him, and I was pushed aside. I hit my limit when I invited him to have dinner with me on my birthday and he declined. That was it for me. I decided to cut contact abruptly, and what hurts the most is that he didn't bother to reach out afterwards either. I should say that he briefly broke NC when he sent me a "Happy Birthday" text.....this was the 2nd week of December....and all I said was "Thank you" and that was it. We had been on NC since then.

 

Things ended for us the week of thanksgiving and Holidays were very hard. My sister met a guy a few weeks before my relationship fell apart and they became official very fast. She invited him to meet the family on New Year's Eve and I felt like I was forced to watch their relationship progress into something I never had with my ex, and I have never felt lonelier. It's like being invited to a wedding after a horrible divorce. I wanted to be happy for her so much, but my heart was aching. She is my best friend and I love her so much, but I couldn't find a way to be happy for her lately. I know she hurts too because she wants to be able to talk to me about her relationship, but she is holding back. Is this normal? Can anyone relate to this?

I feel such a horrible person right now, and I don't know how to change it.

 

Don't be upset with yourself that you can't be happy for your sister right now. You're grieving. You're in pain.

 

Everyone's got this invisible tank and it's filled with love. The love is self- generated and there is always an inflow and outflow of it. The love that comes in is replacing what is leaving, for the use of sustaining themselves and to give to others. If we generate far more love than we require, then excess naturally spills over to other people in a genuine way. We do things for other without even expecting anything back. When people feel this, they refer to you using words like generous, positive, energizing, motivating, inspirational etc.

 

When that tank is empty, we don't have love to give to others, because we don't even have any for ourself. Giving to others therefore has to be done by force..we have to really go out of our way to do it..and it isn't all that genuine because we expect things back in this state. We start to feel resentment or anger when they don't. We also start to wonder why everyone else gets the glory and we don't. We lack confidence, we feel depleted, unappreciated, unloved, alone, angry etc. And what we lack in ourselves we tend to seek in others. The emptier the tank, the stronger this is. Many of us like yourself, try to give to people in this state..and we're simply not able to.

 

Your tank is empty right now. Your tank is empty because you just went through a breakup. Everything that you had to give when into that relationship and now you are depleted. The pain and the memories are fresh and it'll be some time before you start to find your smile again. It's not like you wanted to end it, this guy forced you into ending it.

 

For the record, he did his "Getting over you" in the relationship and was over it by the time you ended it. He didn't have the balls to end it himself so he waited for you to do it and now that it's over, he feels relieved and free. This is why seems like he couldn't give a damn about you now. I can understand why you not being active enough for him is a problem, but at the end of the day, if he was truly committed, would he not work on those issues with you instead of walking away from it? So to me..it was just an excuse for his lack of commitment. You are better off without him.

 

Remain in NC. You don't need him. Whatever feelings of need is based more on attachment and that empty tank. Give back to yourself. Invest in yourself. Be around the people who make you feel loved. Focus on your job, your classes. Change your routine. Take up new activities. Leave time aside in the week for yourself. Let yourself cry, talk it out with us, your friends, a therapist (If needed). You will be okay in time.

 

- Beach

[Charlierose30]

PolyPocket, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I’m becoming the epitome of a bitter single woman at the moment! But, I know I’m not. I know it’s only temporary because of the situation I’m in right now, and that is the same for you. It’s hard being happy for other people when you so badly want what they have, and seemingly had it within your grasp. We’ll get there. You’ve got to cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself (I also need to take my own advice!).

[PolyPocket]

Thank you Beachead and Charlierose30 for your response. I am doing okay right now, still in NC of course. My heart is not as heavy as it use to, but still healing. I've had a talk with my sister about it and she says that she understand, she's supportive like that, and she said she knows that the awkwardness that I feel towards her and her BF is not me. Beachead, you said it perfectly, I'm just out of energy to be happy and be at a positive place for anyone right now because I'm still healing and feeling the hurt from my breakup. I know someday it'll get better, but I'm glad that I have the love of support that I need while going thru this. Thank you guys for all your response. Reading them meant a lot to me. It makes my situation a bit easier to deal with.

[PolyPocket]

Hi guys...how's everyone coping today?

 

I'm sorry I've been away for a while, but I lurk every now and then, so I'm still around. I am scheduled to take my Pharmacy Tech licensure test in March, and that has helped me focus on something else other than my ex. I still have episodes of grief....like today....that when people say healing and coping is not a linear process but in waves, I completely believe it. Lately, out of nowhere, I would think about my ex, and cry over how it all ended. It still hurts even after 2 months of NC.

 

My sister is concerned that I'm over-studying for my exam and burying myself in books to much, and I told her that it's just my way of focusing on something else. It's been difficult to be around her, not because of her exactly, but because seeing how happy she is sets me back. I want to be happy for her too, but her relationship with her BF reminds me of things I've lost. They've been together for 3-4 months now and she gets to do GF things with him like picking him up at the airport, meeting each other's friends and family, and spending time together every day. Last night me and her were hanging out by the fireplace at our home, and she briefly mentioned that her BF moved into an apartment closer to us with fireplace too. It reminded me of my ex....he once considered moving into a house with fireplace because he knew I would like it....and that set me back once again. It felt like everything....even the simple things....I wanted to happen with my relationship never happened, and now she gets to experience it all without even trying. I know none of these are her fault, but I can't help but feel a bit envious and spiteful.

 

I'm a bit of a spiritual person, and I get angry at God sometimes. How it all feels like he picks and chooses and decides who get to be happier, and he gives me the crappiest end of the bargain. I know most would say here that it's because I was with the wrong guy, my sister says it too, but why are wrong guys always crossing my path? Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a right guy, and why I can never find him. Maybe I was a horrible person in my past life.....I don't know.....but I sure haven't done anything horrible to anyone to deserve this kind of punishment now. I'd like to tell everyone that I'm getting emotionally better, but right now, I feel like back to square one.

 

Anyway, thanks so much for reading this thus far. Your stories and feedback had kept me strong, and I'm glad I have a place here to vent.