Moving on part 2

[coffeespoons]

Hi! I’m new here because I was writing something for myself, and I had the idea of finding an online community of people going through something similar and share the piece of writing.

 

I would love if I could get some support, some replies - I want to meet you guys, have some conversations and share our stories... looking forward to it in this hard time.

 

—

 

I thought that those moments where you decide something for yourself - the ones where you take a deep breath to make room for a sudden gust of promising growth - were all tumultuous and grand in their making. But today, I decided something for myself in the car on the way back from Boxing Day shopping, and it was quiet.

 

I had called him in the store on a sort of whim, a moment of being unable to control myself because I need some sort of stimulation - new malleable material for both my maladaptive daydreams and the status of my emotion.

 

His voice sounded shaky. That’s all I could really think as I wandered around the store. I realized that at some point I was in a state of shock, out-of-body and numb and trying to make sense of why such a mundane, and the mundanity of our conversation, made me ache. I questioned myself, cursed myself, questioned him, cursed him.

 

When we reached the Husky on our way home, and in the moment that I was just dreading the night ahead knowing I’d feel like this, I took a breath - small and shallow and decisive.

 

It was time to stop feeling bad for myself. It’s been so long since we broke up and I had grasped self-inflicted closure. I was sad, desperate, I even begged - then I was angry, chaotically crazy, enraged - and this was a cycle for a while. I’d find safety in my daydreams - I had control over the ways in which he would try to win me back, his acts of jealousy, his acts of explosive love, his soft pleas. In each daydream, I would never take him back. I recognized that all I wanted was his attention, appreciation and his approval. I wanted him to whole-heartedly believe that he could not live without me, because up until the car ride home that’s what I felt towards him.

 

This whole time -- it was like I was waiting for him to come back. All the previous guys I had been with had come back in various, even if it was years later. Some would ask to be taken back, or to have sex, while another even apologized for something he had done. And when they came back, when they asked for my approval, my attention, my appreciation - that was all the closure I needed, especially when they made me realize I didn’t even need their apologies or their begs or anything.

 

So that’s what I kept hoping for with him. It hasn’t been years later, yet, only a few months, but I know a lifetime can pass by without him coming back. Because he was different from all those other guys. He loved different and I loved him - or came as close as I’ve ever been. That’s why this has been the hardest, most gruelling and torturous heartbreak - to the point I had to fly home for the month of December, and I swore off love, or letting anyone in like I did with him. It was pathetic just how ****ing ****ty and abandoned I felt. But I was patient - I let myself hurt, ache, cry. I let myself be angry. I let myself be battered by the beautiful loop of memories.

 

But now I’ve decided that I really need to move on. To stop thinking of him. He’s not coming back, he won’t ever, and he’s my friend now. That’s okay. It took me three weeks of isolating myself, thinking about him only, to realize that it’s me who’s putting this on myself.

 

Call it the second part of moving on.

 

Every time I start to think of him, I’ll take it a little breath and call it a spurt of growth.

Edited December 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you are moving on & that is a good thing.

 

Break ups are tough but you are getting through this one. Do care for yourself . . . as you said breathe, etc but it's OK to soak in a tub or cut your hair, buy new clothes etc.

 

Hang in there. Read some of the other coping threads & break ups. You will find people in a similar state but know this too shall pass.