I think she chose money over love for the sake of her kids

[richdeniro]

Main reason for posting is that I am very over analytical and often over analyse breakups looking for answers. It's been 5 months now since the breakup and no contact but I guess I'm still looking for answers. I am 90% moved on but not completely I guess hence why I am still posting here.

 

My ex had 3 kids, she was from a very poor upbringing where she essentially grew up in a broken home and with nothing. She married a guy and had three children. He was very successful and her and their kids often wanted for nothing - massive house, private schooling, money-no-object Christmases, 4-5 lavish holidays a year, etc etc. She decided to leave him because despite all this, he wasn't there emotionally or physically and due to his career he neglected his relationship with her.

 

We meet post divorce and long story short I am everything she wants in a guy, she said herself that if we had met 10 years earlier it would have been forever (yes I know it was just words but I do truly think she was speaking from the heart with that). She said she had never felt that kind of intimacy with anyone before or felt as cared for in the way I cared for her.

 

However I will never be able to have the earning power her ex has and she realised this a few months in. She meets another guy and knows that on paper he is able to provide this. Whether or not he is able to provide to her emotional needs as well I guess I'll never know but I suspect not as high earners are often career driven as it is and do put their relationships on the backseat to an extent (just my experience).

 

I know she was having a hard time deciding between us - she strung me along for a good couple of months. Of course I have only realised this recently looking back. I won't go into it too much but it took her a long time to make the decision.

 

Since ending it with me I know that she has moved this new relationship along extremely quickly - lavish holidays to Disney and the Caribbean with him and her children all within the 4-5 months since ending things with me. Suspect she and her children will be moving in with him fairly soon.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if women do let their heads overrule their heart when it comes to this kind of thing especially where children are involved? I mean if you take my word that she did feel strong feelings for me and that what feelings she did show me were real, is she able to cast her feelings for me to one side in order to satisfy the superficial needs for what she believes will be a better life for her and her kids?

 

I know there is a tinge of hope with my post in that she might suddenly realise what she had with me was real and true and that she might reach out to me but I'm guessing if she did feel something for me she would have reached out in those 5 months of no contact so perhaps I am just grasping at straws but she did lovebomb me in the beginning and it did feel so real. I just think that the motivation for the lifestyle she is used to possibly pushed her to change her feelings away from me and towards someone who could provide that. Almost like the girl-in-her liked me a lot, but what she learned to value later in life; money and such came into play and took away the girl in her, away from me and herself if that makes any sense.

[Wallysbears]

Yes. Women do choose practically.

 

 

Love doesn't keep the mortgage paid, the lights on, tuition for kid's paid and groceries in the fridge.

 

If she was accustomed to a particular lifestyle she will settle back down with someone that can provide the same type of lifestyle if she can.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

[richdeniro]

Yes. Women do choose practically.

 

 

Love doesn't keep the mortgage paid, the lights on, tuition for kid's paid and groceries in the fridge.

 

If she was accustomed to a particular lifestyle she will settle back down with someone that can provide the same type of lifestyle if she can.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

No it's fine, I need to hear it.

 

I do think she may have fallen into the same trap as what she had with her ex-husband. When I met her she was adamant that she wanted to be with someone who she would be happy with regardless of the situation, in the early days of our relationship I often wondered why she was with me consider the life she was used to - not that I am a pauper, I earn a decent amount, own my own home, live relatively comfortable, etc but nowhere near on the scale she had with him. She would tell me that she never felt happier than when she was with me and that she had never got on and laughed with someone in the way she did with me (again could all just have been words in the moment though).

 

She was in the process of setting up her own business and making the money she got from the divorce work for her - looking to buy her own place, etc but I could see it wouldn't be anything like what she was used even with maintenance payments from the ex-husband on top, i.e. trips to the Caribbean probably wouldn't be on the cards. I think somewhere along the line she realised the business she set up wouldn't be raking in a six figure amount every year.

 

Towards the end she mentioned things about wanting her children to have what she didn't, not much detail but I got the gist that she did want skiing trips at Christmas, after school clubs that cost thousands and that type of thing for them.

 

Whether or not this guy is everything in that he is able to provide both the money side and the emotional side I will never know. When she ended things she told me that she was looking for something that probably isn't out there and he had obviously been on the scene for a couple of months so who knows.

[Simple Logic]

When she divorced her wealthy husband, it was a short trip from the penthouse to the outhouse. She ran back to a penthouse when the opportunity arose.

[Artdeco]

Yes. Women do choose practically.

 

 

Love doesn't keep the mortgage paid, the lights on, tuition for kid's paid and groceries in the fridge.

 

If she was accustomed to a particular lifestyle she will settle back down with someone that can provide the same type of lifestyle if she can.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

What I find weird is that she transitioned from you to him so quickly, and already vacations with him plus kids. Isn’t that a little premature, considering the kids?

 

But I agree with wallysbears. I’m thinking most females would choose a good provider over “plain love”. Plus, women are naturally attracted to successful men, which eliminates other potential life partners who are less successful, who have a lower income, less education, a smaller house, etc. It’s just part of the human selection process. Men on the other hand, more or less choose based on looks and sex.

 

With three children and a former “nice” lifestyle with the xH it’s no surprise that she thinks the higher earner is the better choice. She probably also believes/knows that it’s harder to find the right partner (one who is also financially stable) with 3 kids in tow, so she’s probably even more motivated to jump at the opportunity.

 

You really seem to know what’s going on in her life, in detail, so I’m assuming you’re still “friends”? Maybe she wants to keep you as a lover, who knows.

[richdeniro]

What I find weird is that she transitioned from you to him so quickly, and already vacations with him plus kids. Isn’t that a little premature, considering the kids?

 

But I agree with wallysbears. I’m thinking most females would choose a good provider over “plain love”. Plus, women are naturally attracted to successful men, which eliminates other potential life partners who are less successful, who have a lower income, less education, a smaller house, etc. It’s just part of the human selection process. Men on the other hand, more or less choose based on looks and sex.

 

With three children and a former “nice” lifestyle with the xH it’s no surprise that she thinks the higher earner is the better choice. She probably also believes/knows that it’s harder to find the right partner (one who is also financially stable) with 3 kids in tow, so she’s probably even more motivated to jump at the opportunity.

 

You really seem to know what’s going on in her life, in detail, so I’m assuming you’re still “friends”? Maybe she wants to keep you as a lover, who knows.

 

I'm fairly certain there was a crossover between meeting him and ending things with me. I don't think she was cheating on my physically but definitely emotionally and dumped me when she felt she was ready to move the relationship with him on. She definitely is the type to move relationships on extremely quickly - she lovebombed me in the first few months which I guess is why I got so attached and am still finding it hard to move on so probably did the same with him.

 

I don't know a huge amount about her now in detail, we aren't friends and there has been no contact since she ended it. I had avoided her social media until a few days ago out of curiosity which has set me back a bit which is how I found out about her new guy and the holidays abroad. I don't know much else and am just speculating about what he is like. Perhaps this new guy is perfect in that he is the best of both worlds. She had romance with me but I feel it wasn't enough as she wanted the lavish lifestyle as well, if not for her but for her kids. I think she felt a tremendous amount of guilt over the divorce from their father too and perhaps didn't want them to give up the lifestyle they are accustomed too. I know in the last 4-5 months since ending things with me she has been away with them and him on holidays to Disneyland and The Caribbean, they wouldn't have come cheap especially during term time.

 

One thing I did find odd was that the resort she had gone on holiday to on this Caribbean holiday is the same resort she used to go year after year with her ex-husband and I even think they went there on their honeymoon. I sometimes feel a bit hurt walking past a restaurant or something that we might have frequented due to the triggering of memories so did think that was quite odd as surely all her memories of that place would be with her ex-husband. I'm assuming she wouldn't even consider how confusing it must be for her children to go back to a holiday resort that they used go to with their parents only to see their dad replaced with a new guy?

[Alamo657]

I think you should stop overestimating the "for her kid's sake" part of your analysis.

 

The father can provide for her kids, they'll never lack of anything.

 

But only another wealthy man can provide for her "needs".

 

She was probably love-starved troughout her marriage and you benefitted, temporarily, from that, as all good guys do.

 

It would be pointless to try and deduce the quality of her emotional relationship with new_wealthy_guy, or the impact on her children of mimicking her past life with a new guy.

 

The truth is, she's gone, and you should stop thinking about it, because it's not your life, and you have no part in it.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Alamo657

[Artdeco]

 

 

One thing I did find odd was that the resort she had gone on holiday to on this Caribbean holiday is the same resort she used to go year after year with her ex-husband and I even think they went there on their honeymoon. I sometimes feel a bit hurt walking past a restaurant or something that we might have frequented due to the triggering of memories so did think that was quite odd as surely all her memories of that place would be with her ex-husband. I'm assuming she wouldn't even consider how confusing it must be for her children to go back to a holiday resort that they used go to with their parents only to see their dad replaced with a new guy?

 

Oh wow, yes, that’s odd. Maybe she still has a family membership (from before the D) for that particular resort (where you get points and stuff; beaches has that, and I believe sandals as well; I’m sure there are many more). Or they let the kids choose (and kids often choose what they already know and like). Could be all kinds of reasons.

 

Anyway - sorry that happened to you. Hope you’ll get over it ok, and relatively quickly!

[richdeniro]

Oh wow, yes, that’s odd. Maybe she still has a family membership (from before the D) for that particular resort (where you get points and stuff; beaches has that, and I believe sandals as well; I’m sure there are many more). Or they let the kids choose (and kids often choose what they already know and like). Could be all kinds of reasons.

 

Anyway - sorry that happened to you. Hope you’ll get over it ok, and relatively quickly!

 

Thank you. I'm actually in therapy as this breakup hit me so hard. My therapist thinks she probably has a histrionic personality disorder and/or avoidant attachment type.

 

Of course she is just going from the info I have given which is probably biased and all from my perspective. It could just be that I was used as a rebound from the divorce and she wasn't that into me in the end.

 

I know I'll never know, should stop ruminating and move on. I am trying I guess but it's proving easier said than done.

[d0nnivain]

She had money but no love with her EX. She had love but a lot less money with you. With this 3rd guy she again found money & possibly more love then she had with her husband, even if it wasn't as much love as she had with you.

 

On balance she was trying to have it all -- love & money.

 

All that really says is that she was not the perfect person for you.

[richdeniro]

She had money but no love with her EX. She had love but a lot less money with you. With this 3rd guy she again found money & possibly more love then she had with her husband, even if it wasn't as much love as she had with you.

 

On balance she was trying to have it all -- love & money.

 

All that really says is that she was not the perfect person for you.

 

I know.

 

When she ended it by text she said she 'didn't know what she was looking for but would know when she's found it', when I asked if it was something I had done she said 'I suppose I just need to fancy someone more' - am assuming she did want the money with some kind of affection which I guess he will give her which is what she meant by that especially as he was likely already on the scene so she was drawn to him more than me. She also said that she wouldn't block me so that we can stay in touch.

 

She never did message me though and it's now been 5 months. I think what is hurting now is probably more the fact she didn't reach out even to see how I am doing, almost as though what we had and me as a person meant absolutely nothing to her. I know that is more an ego/validation thing for myself though.

[d0nnivain]

Try to recognize that hers is but one person's opinion. She is not an indictment or validation of you as a person. Stop giving her so much power.

 

That said, your expectation that she reach out to you out of politeness to see how you are doing is unreasonable. You would mis-read it as a desire to get back together. She's doing you a favor by staying away & mum

[Giraffe-A]

I feel that she didn't make a decision for her kids. She made a decision for herself. Her emotional needs were not being met. You met those for her and she meant it. With this new guy in the picture, she realized she could have ALL of her needs met....for now. It will not be long before this new guy starts neglecting her as well.

You can lament your financial situation or you can use this as a motivator in order to make yourself a good future provider.

[basil67]

Rich, I noticed in your history that you have been writing about a woman who is more than FWB but you weren't officially in a relationship. Is this the same woman? If so, the lack of a formal relationship indicates that "love" may have been a bit of a stretch.

 

Why didn't the two of you formalise the relationship? The answer will go part the way to explaining her current choices.

[richdeniro]

Rich, I noticed in your history that you have been writing about a woman who is more than FWB but you weren't officially in a relationship. Is this the same woman? If so, the lack of a formal relationship indicates that "love" may have been a bit of a stretch.

 

Why didn't the two of you formalise the relationship? The answer will go part the way to explaining her current choices.

 

It's the same woman.

 

It's hard to explain. We were definitely more than FWB and the reason we couldn't formalise it was because she was in the final stages of the divorce and still living with her ex-husband. Yes I know it sounds like the classic rebound although she was almost a year separated from him when we got together. In every sense of the word we were together - we had agreed to be exclusive, we only saw each other, were 100% honest with each other, etc and yes I am also aware she could be a very skilled manipulator I do think she was genuine.

 

I know it all sounds incredibly complicated and it probably was. I do know that I could have been completely taken for a ride and just used as a rebound/fling but I do think a lot of things she did and said showed to me that she did love me. Part of the reason I think that she strung me along in that final month was because she just couldn't let me go due to that love. I just think she had got to the point whereby she had to make a choice and decided to go for the guy who on paper was more appropriate in terms of our life stages. Him having money probably helped that along the way but my therapist thinks that she has probably fallen into the trap of choosing a guy like her ex-husband for conveniences sake. Towards the end she became quite anxious about her age and losing her looks being on the wrong side of 45, I think that also had a part to play with her jumping all in with this new guy.

 

Of course in the time since I have had therapy and discovered attachment types (I think she is avoidant) and personality disorders (she is possibly histrionic) which would all point to her doing what she did. But again I am aware that me giving her those labels could be me just being biased and trying to find reasoning behind everything.

 

I guess I'll never know really which is why I am doing the next best thing in an attempt to heal and writing about and trying to seek advice/support from you guys.

[FMW]

She made her choice based on what SHE wanted, not just to take care of her children. Stop giving her too much credit.

 

She isn't worth another moment of your thoughts. Even if she did have real feelings for you she chose someone else - with a lot of money - over those feelings, over you. Think about that - how can you have any respect for those values?

[richdeniro]

She made her choice based on what SHE wanted, not just to take care of her children. Stop giving her too much credit.

 

She isn't worth another moment of your thoughts. Even if she did have real feelings for you she chose someone else - with a lot of money - over those feelings, over you. Think about that - how can you have any respect for those values?

 

I know you are right and if I was the outsider looking in would be saying exactly the same thing.

 

I think she met this guy back when we had a short 3 week break back in May but got back together after I told her how I felt about her. She told me she started seeing someone in that time which was what led to me telling her how I felt. I asked about this guy and she said it was nothing, over in a couple of dates and she ended it because she said he was to OCD for her and realised she wanted to be with me.

 

I am fairly certain that he is the guy that she is now with. After we got back together he got back in contact with her (or they never lost contact) and she was having an emotional relationship alongside seeing me in the final 6 weeks we were together - she was acting up massively on whatsapp and changed her blue ticks read status so no one could see when she had read messages, I think that was something to do with him.

 

Of course this is all conjecture and perhaps I am wildly out with my perceptions (although I am usually fairly good at seeing things like this). The reason I think he has been on the scene since then is because I don't think she would introduce her kids to someone (let alone go on holiday with them) without having known them for at least a few months and we only broke up in July.

[richdeniro]

One thing I remember she said to me when ending it and saying 'she needed to fancy someone more' was that referring to me she said 'its not enough'. This despite even in the weeks before ending it telling me that she had never felt cared for in the way I cared for her, that I was her rock, how she loved how genuine I was, that she had never got on so well and laughed with someone like she did with me, that I was the best cuddler she had ever experienced and other things. I know that these were just words but again I do think they were spoken genuinely from the heart.

 

I now wonder if the 'it's not enough' part was due to the fact she needed someone who did have the money behind him.

[Purepony]

OK this girl must be like stupid hot because I don’t know a lot of guys that have a good heart or any guys that have a good heart and a lot of money and are willing to take over payments on three kids !

 

Now I do know that about 75% of the guys in the world would not take over payments especially on three kids

[JuneL]

First, if her ex-husband is as well off financially as you described, then she and her kids will be able to have a pretty good lifestyle for years to come and beyond; I don’t see why she would need another rich man. Second, maybe she has had enough of her crazy and wild post-divorce time and is ready for a more committed and stable relationship/partner. Third, I skimmed through your previous threads: you sound pretty needy and clingy, in case you haven’t realized yourself. Finally, you can’t be everything she wants in a partner if you’re not as financially well off as she would like.

[seibert253]

As the Cyndi Lauper song says: Money changes everything.

[Marc878]

Don't put her on too much of a pedestal or make excuses why she does things.

 

Women for the most part monkey branch. He was there and the money prompted her.

 

Any headspace you give her will just be a waste of your time.