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After almost 4 years, I suddenly miss him. Why?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 17th December 2018, 4:00 AM   #1
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After almost 4 years, I suddenly miss him. Why?

Hello. I posted my affair experience in a different thread a few years ago. Iíve also posted the aftermath, my husbandís and my reconciliation, the birth of our baby in 2017, we bought a new home...only to later find out my ex-mm bought a home near me with his family and his children are now attending the same school as mine...his wife and I are on the PTA, etc.

For some reason...and I donít know why-Iíve been missing him. Why? After all this time? Iím not even in love with him and I have no desire to contact him in any way. Definitely donít want to be with him. Yet, for the past few weeks, I have been thinking about him A LOT and I canít seem to shake it off.

I know it doesnít make sense, but I donít want to think about him and i donít want to miss him. This is crazy. I thought I was so beyond this. I feel sad and frustrated that I havenít been able to stop thinking about him. I picture us sitting down at a restaurant having lunch and conversations filled with laughter. We are both relaxed and enjoying each otherís company.

Please help. Iíve been struggling with this for a few weeks now and I am having a hard time turning it off.
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Old 17th December 2018, 4:54 AM   #2
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You followed your heart once and failed ,
Of course you will miss him , and it will come suddenly every time you have a reality check milestone .

Now that you have a family , respect vows ....
What is it in your husband that you find in OM ?
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Old 17th December 2018, 7:07 PM   #3
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Affairs, even more than regular relationships, leave you without closure. Not only do you have the feelings you have in a failed relationship, you have additional feelings of guilt and shame and usually wondering how you let it happen in the first place. And the feelings from an affair are more intense than those of a regular relationship between two available people, it's the nature of an affair.

Something has once again triggered in you whatever made you open to getting into the affair in the first place. Only you can answer what that is.
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Old 26th December 2018, 7:25 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zouz71 View Post
You followed your heart once and failed ,
Of course you will miss him , and it will come suddenly every time you have a reality check milestone .

Now that you have a family , respect vows ....
What is it in your husband that you find in OM ?
My husband and OM are totally different. With OM I felt we connected on every level: spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. I do find my husband very attractive physically but it ends there.
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Old 27th December 2018, 6:11 PM   #5
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We must remember that the affair is an addiction, and the drug of choice is the married man.

Iím so sorry youíre feeling this way. I would really encourage you to cut all contact, even move neighborhoods.

Sending peace my friend.
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Old 27th December 2018, 10:30 PM   #6
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We have been no contact for years. I totally understand what youíre saying, but it is so unfair that I should have to move seeing that I moved here first. 😔
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Old 27th December 2018, 11:46 PM   #7
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Have you and your husband been having a difficult time? Are you dissatisfied with another part of your life?

More often then not affairs and affairs partners are a vehicle for escape for women. When things get difficult it will drag in fond memories of that period and person. It's not because you miss him but because it's your coping mechanism, to escape.
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Old 25th February 2019, 11:08 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Conqueror View Post
I picture us sitting down at a restaurant having lunch and conversations filled with laughter. We are both relaxed and enjoying each other’s company.
Sorry to dig up this thread.

One of the last post I made on this site over a year ago was in your other thread. I haven't been visiting after the site went down, and out of curiosity I thought I'd see how you've been faring.

You have not reconciled. You have rugswept the affair. I remember reading your story sometime back and from what I remember, your BH simply forgave you and you simply have took him for granted, despite all your proclamations about how you love him, treat him like a king and all that.


Truth is Conqueror, your BH hasn't exposed you to his pain and you never had to empathize with him or feel the horror of what you've done to him and naturally you don't feel bad about your affair memories. You feel ashamed of what you've become. But you don't feel hurt for the pain you've caused your husband. Every aspect of your recovery as you've recorded in your other posts were all about your shame, your strength and your ability to overcome your feelings for him. Didn't that cause you to break NC with your OM at your company meeting? Just to see how strong you are, regardless of how your BH will feel?

I totally blame your husband for it. And even if you tell him now about your feelings, I am not sure if you too will actually work on it rather than rugsweeping.

I hope, for your BHs sake, he grows a backbone and actually makes you fight for him. Of course you'd connect with your OM emotionally, spiritually and physically (i cringed when i typed that). Isn't he the guy who was just taking you on lunch dates when your BH was working his ass off, building your family that you so cherish. Yeah sure. What is there to miss in a boring BH, amirite? I hate to say this. But I hope your BH throws you out, does a hard 180 and then perhaps you'll know what it means to lose a family and how you'd miss your family, your BH included.

Last edited by Nirbhao.Nirvair; 25th February 2019 at 11:09 PM.. Reason: spacing
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