Tired of getting heart broke

[gcp]

So I have had a pretty bad string of relationship luck lately and boy am I hurting... again.

 

Two years ago I was dating a woman, we had been dating or a little over a year. We went through a rough patch and she ended up getting back with her ex husband.

 

Fastforward to last winter I meet a beautiful woman, shes funny, smart, a teacher and we hit it off quickly. We only dated for a month but it was amazing. Out of nowhere she tells me she needs space and time for herself. Turns out she gave her ex another chance. Three months after that she gets a hold of me, tells me she made a huge mistake giving him another chance, how she regretted ending it with me and getting back with him. We start talking and shortly after start dating. We dated for about 6 months.

 

In that period we had an amazing time, up until we got pregnant and unfortunately she miscarried. After the miscarriage things were ok, but the intimacy definitely dropped off. One she was going through a lot physically and two I wasn't sure when she would feel comfortable again emotionally.

 

Well, a little over a month after the miscarriage she is acting extremely stressed, anxious and distant. She does have clinical anxiety and quit her meds when she found out she was pregnant. I could tell she was struggling and tried to be there for her as best I could. Then she tells me she needs space and that with all the stress it is hard for her to emotionally invest in our relationship. A week later she breaks up with me VIA text message and 2 days later is back with her ex boyfriend... again.

 

I am so damn heart broken right now. I keep finding these women who claim to be over exes or ready for a relationship and I end up getting burned. I don't know when I'll be ready to date again, the thought of trying with someone new right now sounds like hell... I want nothing to do with it. I am 31, I have a good job, own my own house, have my own hobbies and am in the best physical shape of my life, yet it feels empty. I want a family, a good woman who loves me and wants to fight for me for once. I'm starting to fear I am getting to that age where most women who will be interested in me will already have children, which I don't want to do again. Or have some serious mental or emotional baggage.

 

Basically I am struggling, and very down on myself right now, I feel that I am cursed or there is something wrong with me to drive these women back to their exes. It seems very easy for them to leave me by the wayside.

[FMW]

That IS a bad string of luck, I'm sorry.

 

The only thing I can think of is to not invest too much too soon, unfortunately maybe wait at least a year before thinking it's seriously going anywhere. Maybe your "picker" is off, maybe you are attracted to wounded women who aren't over their last relationship. You aren't driving them back, they were vulnerable to going back with or without you around. When someone is still hung up on someone else they have little thought about how they are affecting others, they just reach out for what they can grab.

 

Who knows, I don't have the answer for myself. Just hang in there and stay alert, but don't close yourself off to possibilities to connect.

[ExpatInItaly]

Basically I am struggling, and very down on myself right now, I feel that I am cursed or there is something wrong with me to drive these women back to their exes. It seems very easy for them to leave me by the wayside.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. You have met some women who are not relationship candidates, but you have more power than you think.

 

I can't speak for the first woman you describe above, but the second one - you should have cut and run the first time she went back to her ex. It's not your fault that she pulled this stunt again, to be clear, but it seems you need to do a better job identifying and heeding the red flags when you see them.

 

Polish up your filter, believe that you have other options, and have the strength to walk away when you see significant warning signs of trouble.

[d0nnivain]

There is no reason to be down on yourself. Especially this last one, nothing about it was your fault. It wasn't meant to be.

 

Give yourself some time. I'd keep yourself off the market until at least January. Take some time. Reconnect with family & old friends. Remind yourself of who you are & what you want. Take some time to define your ideal partner. You can't be super specific in the definition -- no height, weight etc. But you can generalize about characteristics you find attractive; it's better if you focus on the qualities like brains or a sense of humor. Just think on it. Don't act.

 

When January comes act in ways deigned to cause you to meet more new woman. It is a numbers game. Stay off OLD; if you must use those sites make it the smallest part of your search.

[gcp]

I have been trying to put a positive spin on some of it. I did have some quality that attracted her and she probably did give it an honest try but realized she still wasn't over her ex. While I got hurt in the end there was something there initially that she thought was something she wanted.

 

And as far as identifying the red flags, you are right, I think I try to "fix" people or give my care to people who just aren't emotionally ready for it. But somehow I convince them to try. My very best friend who now works in the domestic terrorism field as an analyst told me to cut and run once she reconnected with me. Given his job I believe he is fairly good at reading people and I should have listened to him. He has been a great source of calming me down. Letting me know there is an entire field dedicated to trying to understand people like her and I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

 

Each day is getting better. I feel a little embarrassed when friends ask me how things are going with her and I tell them what happened. But, I can honestly say I tried, I was good to her and in the end she knows that.

 

I plan to just in a sense "do me" for a couple months. I plan to try snowboarding/skiing again with a friend, I haven't been since I was in highschool (15 years ago) but it should be fun. I will spend time with my dad and younger brother as we are avid bird hunters. And my mother is actually enjoying getting to see me more now, even though she knows I am hurting.

 

I know I will be okay, I just wish I could fast forward a few months lol.

[anika99]

So I have had a pretty bad string of relationship luck lately and boy am I hurting... again.

 

Two years ago I was dating a woman, we had been dating or a little over a year. We went through a rough patch and she ended up getting back with her ex husband.

 

Fastforward to last winter I meet a beautiful woman, shes funny, smart, a teacher and we hit it off quickly. We only dated for a month but it was amazing. Out of nowhere she tells me she needs space and time for herself. Turns out she gave her ex another chance. Three months after that she gets a hold of me, tells me she made a huge mistake giving him another chance, how she regretted ending it with me and getting back with him. We start talking and shortly after start dating. We dated for about 6 months.

 

In that period we had an amazing time, up until we got pregnant and unfortunately she miscarried. After the miscarriage things were ok, but the intimacy definitely dropped off. One she was going through a lot physically and two I wasn't sure when she would feel comfortable again emotionally.

 

Well, a little over a month after the miscarriage she is acting extremely stressed, anxious and distant. She does have clinical anxiety and quit her meds when she found out she was pregnant. I could tell she was struggling and tried to be there for her as best I could. Then she tells me she needs space and that with all the stress it is hard for her to emotionally invest in our relationship. A week later she breaks up with me VIA text message and 2 days later is back with her ex boyfriend... again.

 

I am so damn heart broken right now. I keep finding these women who claim to be over exes or ready for a relationship and I end up getting burned. I don't know when I'll be ready to date again, the thought of trying with someone new right now sounds like hell... I want nothing to do with it. I am 31, I have a good job, own my own house, have my own hobbies and am in the best physical shape of my life, yet it feels empty. I want a family, a good woman who loves me and wants to fight for me for once. I'm starting to fear I am getting to that age where most women who will be interested in me will already have children, which I don't want to do again. Or have some serious mental or emotional baggage.

 

Basically I am struggling, and very down on myself right now, I feel that I am cursed or there is something wrong with me to drive these women back to their exes. It seems very easy for them to leave me by the wayside.

 

Sorry for quoting your whole post but I can't find the simple reply button with the messed up formatting problems, lol.

 

You need better boundaries. Hindsight is 20/20 so you can take these experiences and learn from them.

 

For example, make it a rule that you will not date married women who are only seperated from their spouse. They must be divorced and have had adequate time to move on before they are ready to get seriously involved again, usually a couple of years. Dating a seperated or even newly divorced person is always risky business and now you have learned that life lesson.

 

As for the second girl, when she ditched you a month in to run back to her ex there should have been no second chance for her after that. Stay away from the monkey branchers. They are the ones who swing from one guy to the next or swing back and forth between 2 or 3 guys. They are immature and live their lives trying chase happiness outside of themselves. Whenever they don't feel good they blame whoever they are with and look to make themselves feel better by monkey branching to another man.

 

Chalk these women up to learning experiences so that you can pick better next time.

[BMWN52]

Sorry for quoting your whole post but I can't find the simple reply button with the messed up formatting problems, lol.

 

You need better boundaries. Hindsight is 20/20 so you can take these experiences and learn from them.

 

For example, make it a rule that you will not date married women who are only seperated from their spouse. They must be divorced and have had adequate time to move on before they are ready to get seriously involved again, usually a couple of years. Dating a seperated or even newly divorced person is always risky business and now you have learned that life lesson.

 

As for the second girl, when she ditched you a month in to run back to her ex there should have been no second chance for her after that. Stay away from the monkey branchers. They are the ones who swing from one guy to the next or swing back and forth between 2 or 3 guys. They are immature and live their lives trying chase happiness outside of themselves. Whenever they don't feel good they blame whoever they are with and look to make themselves feel better by monkey branching to another man.

 

Chalk these women up to learning experiences so that you can pick better next time.

 

Hit the nail on the head. I'm also sorta in the same boat as the OP. I'm really happy I found these forums. Very insightful. I'm 31 also, was engaged earlier this year ( May) then I dated another girl in Sept, got dumped again. She for sure was " monkey branching". Ex sent her flowers, I did too then she moved onto guy # 3 recently. She is a immature narccist which instead of resolving conflict is immature and inpaitent. It's easier for them to keep starting over, instead of fixing anything.

 

When their true colors show, they pull anchor and find the next dupe. Love bomb them, do their magic and make their move.

 

Before these forums, I used to give women the " benefit of the doubt" got myself blindsided. I'm wiser now from all the pain. I wish, I was still in the blissful ignorance stage so my view on dating and relationships wasn't so jaded.

 

It is what it is.

Edited December 2, 2018 by BMWN52

[gcp]

I don't think my ex is a narcissist per say, but instead has some mental health issues that she needs to figure out before getting involved with anyone else. She has clinical anxiety and usually depression goes hand in hand with that. I saw it first hand, she cannot cope with stress, she would shut down, get very down, always wearing sweats, procrastinating on work she needed to get done, and ultimately told me she wasn't happy, or couldn't give me the happiness I deserved. And went back to her ex who now probably is fresh, and new again, and she will be happy for a while, but her anxiety will creep back out. They were on and off the whole time they were together, and I don't think that changes in 6 months. Not enough time for either to truly grow.

 

She wrote me a letter after she got back with him the first time. She said she regretted her decision to give him another chance, how she was 100% sure now that she was not in love with him. I don't see how those feelings change in 6 months. Once love is lost I find it hard to get back again, especially if it was dysfunctional to begin with. BUT, he does have money, not that I am poor but he could give her a more comfortable lifestyle than I could and he is best friends with her sisters fiance, which they were against her dating him in the first place because they knew how he was.

 

When me and her started dating this spring her ex was damn near stalking her, he sent her and me some very harsh messages over social media, he sent her numerous emails after she blocked him asking her to unblock him, and he even showed up at a local trailhead where she likes to take her dog for a walk and waited for her to return to her car. He acted like he was going hiking but really, he probably checked for her car daily until he saw she was there because according to her he NEVER went their with her.

 

Maybe they will make it work this time, but I don't think she will ever be truly happy until she spends a good amount of time alone, getting happy with herself. But she is also panicking I think. She wants children, we almost had one, when she miscarried I think it made her panic even more. She was convinced that she isn't able to have children. Maybe I reminded her of that, maybe she realize she wants a child with someone who could afford her to be a stay at home mother... I don't know, and if she is willing to forgo happiness to live that life, then she deserves it.

 

All I know is after the miscarriage our relationship changed. Her motivation dropped way off, always wearing sweats, she would not talk to me about it when I could tell she was struggling. She seemed... depressed, which in turn started to effect me. Its tough seeing someone you love struggle. There were hints, she mentioned one night we went to a movie together that the entire time at the show she felt like she was going to have a panic attack. I told her we could leave but she refused. There was another time I asked her if she had gotten her sunday night grading done (English Teacher) and she said, "No, I didn't get anything done, had a little melt down" The icing on the cake was when I flat out asked her if she was happy. She said no, she wasn't happy in general. Not necessarily due to me, but with life in general. A week later we are no longer together.

[BMWN52]

I don't think my ex is a narcissist per say, but instead has some mental health issues that she needs to figure out before getting involved with anyone else. She has clinical anxiety and usually depression goes hand in hand with that. I saw it first hand, she cannot cope with stress, she would shut down, get very down, always wearing sweats, procrastinating on work she needed to get done, and ultimately told me she wasn't happy, or couldn't give me the happiness I deserved. And went back to her ex who now probably is fresh, and new again, and she will be happy for a while, but her anxiety will creep back out. They were on and off the whole time they were together, and I don't think that changes in 6 months. Not enough time for either to truly grow.

 

She wrote me a letter after she got back with him the first time. She said she regretted her decision to give him another chance, how she was 100% sure now that she was not in love with him. I don't see how those feelings change in 6 months. Once love is lost I find it hard to get back again, especially if it was dysfunctional to begin with. BUT, he does have money, not that I am poor but he could give her a more comfortable lifestyle than I could and he is best friends with her sisters fiance, which they were against her dating him in the first place because they knew how he was.

 

When me and her started dating this spring her ex was damn near stalking her, he sent her and me some very harsh messages over social media, he sent her numerous emails after she blocked him asking her to unblock him, and he even showed up at a local trailhead where she likes to take her dog for a walk and waited for her to return to her car. He acted like he was going hiking but really, he probably checked for her car daily until he saw she was there because according to her he NEVER went their with her.

 

Maybe they will make it work this time, but I don't think she will ever be truly happy until she spends a good amount of time alone, getting happy with herself. But she is also panicking I think. She wants children, we almost had one, when she miscarried I think it made her panic even more. She was convinced that she isn't able to have children. Maybe I reminded her of that, maybe she realize she wants a child with someone who could afford her to be a stay at home mother... I don't know, and if she is willing to forgo happiness to live that life, then she deserves it.

 

All I know is after the miscarriage our relationship changed. Her motivation dropped way off, always wearing sweats, she would not talk to me about it when I could tell she was struggling. She seemed... depressed, which in turn started to effect me. Its tough seeing someone you love struggle. There were hints, she mentioned one night we went to a movie together that the entire time at the show she felt like she was going to have a panic attack. I told her we could leave but she refused. There was another time I asked her if she had gotten her sunday night grading done (English Teacher) and she said, "No, I didn't get anything done, had a little melt down" The icing on the cake was when I flat out asked her if she was happy. She said no, she wasn't happy in general. Not necessarily due to me, but with life in general. A week later we are no longer together.

 

So he stalked her, via email and text and physically but decided to give him a chance, but not you? It's almost like she equated that with his motivation or attempt to get her back. Sounds like she finally caved in. Perhaps her biological clock inside ticking but she clearly picked the wrong guy. Hard to say for sure, but she shouldn't have dragged you through the mud like that.

 

Some women expect stalking as a test. Sometimes they figure if you don't " fight for them" they don't want you. Sounds crazy.

 

The pattern im noticing if you're predictable and attentive too much, these types tend to act out and start looking elsewhere. Do their power grab keep a guy like you on strings, till they finally cut you loose.

Edited December 2, 2018 by BMWN52

[gcp]

I was predictable in that she knew I cared for her and be there for her, if she doesn't want that or feel worthy of that then I need to realize I don't need or want her in my life, especially as a partner.

 

I put myself in his shoes, they broke up at least 3 times before, she went back to me twice. So imagine how insecure in this relationship he will be. Knowing at the drop of a hat she could just leave again. She already moved out of his house once after telling him she wasn't happy in the relationship. If I were him I'd be paranoid, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can't be healthy.

Edited December 2, 2018 by gcp

[BMWN52]

I was predictable in that she knew I cared for her and be there for her, if she doesn't want that or feel worthy of that then I need to realize I don't need or want her in my life, especially as a partner.

 

I put myself in his shoes, they broke up at least 3 times before, she went back to me twice. So imagine how insecure in this relationship he will be. Knowing at the drop of a hat she could just leave again. She already moved out of his house once after telling him she wasn't happy in the relationship. If I were him I'd be paranoid, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can't be healthy.

 

She'll be back dude lol. Eventually, she will realize how many times they've fixed or gotten back together. Girls like her eventually realize they've got to get their act together and quit ****ing around. If that happens to be you or a new dupe, be cautious to take her back or make it clear. She is bipolar in terms of stability, she likes chaos and unpredictability. Figure out her attachment style then it'll all make sense.

[gcp]

I've promised myself I will never take her back, not that she'll try. I think she realizes she burnt this bridge. I let her know what was on my mind after finding out 2 days after texting me the break up she was back with him.

 

IF she ever does reach out, I'll let her know I forgive her or have accepted what happened but I think it would be best if we stayed out of each others lives.

[BMWN52]

I've promised myself I will never take her back, not that she'll try. I think she realizes she burnt this bridge. I let her know what was on my mind after finding out 2 days after texting me the break up she was back with him.

 

 

IF she ever does reach out, I'll let her know I forgive her or have accepted what happened but I think it would be best if we stayed out of each others lives.

 

Her pattern is once the screws start to tighten in the commitnent phase she ejects herself to go back to the partner is desperate or compromised. Thus being in control again.

 

If it were me, I woulda called her out and brought her actions to light. She is relying on the element of shock and running away to absolve herself of any wrongdoing.

 

Like the girl I was dating, found a new dupe. " christrian guy" out of shape, basically a perfect dupe who will fall for her. Presents herself as a " good girl", successful. Little does he know she had sex with me on the first date.

 

 

 

See what im getting at?

Edited December 2, 2018 by BMWN52

[gcp]

I did call her out in it in my final email. She told me how he did somethings he shouldn’t have. Like getting drunk, physically kicking her out of bed because she didn’t want to have sex, then as she sat in the corner crying, he pulled up a chair, sat in front of her and laughed at her as she cried.

 

I told her basically is sad that she doesn’t have the self respect or self worth to get over this guy. But I realize it’s not my place to do so. Since that email I’ve been NC and plan to remain so.

[gcp]

Here is the email she sent me last spring when we started talking again. After this email we dated for 6 months, almost had a child, she said she loved me unlike anyone before. Just doesn't make sense why she would immediately go back to the guy she talks about in this email. But I am getting better each day. Still hurts a lot, but I am slowly moving forward.

 

 

"(My name),

 

 

Okay, so I don’t even know where to start. Ahh! I’m staring at the screen biting my nails. All I know is that I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while now. Talk to you about why I disappeared on you. I am so, so sorry, and I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t give you a definite answer about why I left you hanging like I did. You didn’t deserve that, at all. And I cringe every time I think about doing that to you. I had/have nothing but GREAT things to say about you. You were absolutely perfect in my eyes, and it’s true that I really felt like I was falling for you so very quickly. You made me feel a way that I haven’t felt with anyone else before. I was just able to be myself around you, and was so comfortable doing so. You made me so happy … just know that

 

 

Here comes the part that I’m dreading to share. I thought I was 100% over my ex-boyfriend, ****, and I think I know now that I really was. I remember you were at the cottage the first night he had texted me in forever. I didn’t text back, but he continued to text me throughout the next couple weeks. I told him I was happily seeing someone and that we (him and I) didn’t need to be speaking. In a gist, he continued to text and wanted to meet up. I knew I really, really liked you, but there was something in the back of my head that told me maybe I wasn’t entirely over him. You had recently told me the story of you and Angela ending things, and how she had been talking to and seeing her ex-husband behind your back. You, out of all people, don’t deserve someone doing that to you. And I feel like the absolute devil that what I’m sharing with you sounds similar. But, I wasn’t going to talk to him or meet up with him while I was still seeing you … and the thought of telling you exactly why I needed some time for myself was terrifying. I didn’t want to hurt you. I REALLY didn’t want to hurt you. That’s the gosh darn truth. And I certainly didn’t want you to hate me. At the time, I felt like saying nothing at all was the easiest. That’s something I wish I could take back, but I can’t. I really did take some time to myself to think about things before deciding to meet up with my ex, but just leaving you hanging like I did was absolutely horrible. I’m so sorry. You have every right to hate me, and I won’t blame you if you do.

 

 

(Here comes another part that I’m REALLY dreading to share). Late January I started hanging out with **** and we decided to officially try and date again, on the condition that I move in with him. That’s something we were going to do before we ended things. So, without really putting a whole lot of thought in to it (seriously), I put in my notice at the cottage, and I moved in with him in February. I absolutely loved my little cottage, and I left it on a whim to take a huge chance. (You probably want to punch me through the computer screen right now, and I’d deserve it). Long story short, I gave us living together February and March and knew pretty quickly that my feelings for him were not any different with him this time around. I definitely had made a mistake. A huge mistake. We still had the same issues as before, and ultimately it was clear I was/am not in love with him, and that I was really unhappy being there.

 

 

I finally got the courage to tell him, and recently got a storage unit to store all my stuff in for the time being. I am sleeping on my parent’s couch until a dog-friendly rental becomes available. I actually went and looked at one earlier this evening … it won’t be available until June 1st and they haven’t allowed large dogs before, so I’m crossing my fingers they make an exception for Rosie and I. (I had to insert this tonight … I was tempted to just dive into all of this when you asked about my breakfast-smelling neighbors today, but I chickened out. And they really did move out right after Christmas time). But anyway, I’ve thought about you and wanted to reach out to you so many times. Although I regret getting involved with **** again, and I especially regret letting you go like I did … I think if I didn’t ever take the chance to move in with him and see how things would be, maybe I’d always wonder?

 

 

I just really hope you know how sorry I am. I’m so sorry for letting you go with no real reason to give you. I think you are one the most genuine people I’ve ever met, and I wish you nothing but the absolute best. I completely understand if you don’t want to talk to me or if you’re angry with me after reading this … but maybe one day you can forgive me. The point of writing this to you was not to win you back, but because I can’t stand the thought of you hating me … and I needed to share the truth. Maybe, at some point if you can forgive me, we can at least be friends. I know I’d really, really like that.

 

-(Her name)"

[BMWN52]

So I read that email, very interesting to see her not being able to explain why she had no will power to move on from him.

 

You can tell she feels guilt and remorse, but she herself can't really explain running back to him. She's damaged mentally, she has form of " Stockholm syndrome". Look that up its a real thing. The gist is she identifies with guy because he is absuive, thus assuming a mental grip on her. She's like the Manchurian candidate. It's amusing to read the whole " good guy spiel" I've heard many times before. In fact the last girl told me " you're a really good guy, like you really are and deserve a good girl. Unfortunately, that is not me". Makes no damn sense, but that's how their minds operate. Me and you were stable and predictable, which eventually gave them the powerup in the relationship. Her ex didn't validate her, or put her on a pedistal. He does the " nice guy/desperate routine" on her and she takes the bait every time.

 

If that's the case it makes sense why she would run back to again, the unfortunate mishap of the miscarriage and your relationship triggered her in stress mode to run back to him. He has a mental grip on her, like a dog she goes running back.

 

You did nothing wrong. She's ****ed in the head.

Edited December 3, 2018 by BMWN52

[gcp]

I decided to see a counselor this friday. I've had heart break before, but this one feels a lot worse than the others. I really believed she loved me, and we went through life changing events together, and she left me at the drop of a hat for a ****ty ex boyfriend.

 

I think talking this out with a professional will help me out and maybe help me get my self esteem back on track. Never thought I would be the one to seek help, but I've realized I need it with this one.

[gcp]

Had a tough day today. I guess her mom forgot to take me off the facebook invite list for their family xmas party, and I received the invite. I sent her mom a nice message basically saying I wasn't sure if she was aware or not but her daughter broke up with me after thanksgiving and that I dont think I will be making it, but wished her a happy holiday.

 

She replied saying she was so sorry about this, and that she is not happy about it. She also said I did nothing wrong and thanked me for treating her daughter the way she deserved to be treated.

 

It was like another twist of the knife in my heart, but it also made me feel a little better, like I can hold my head high. I was a good man to her and it was noticed. I hope that exchange doesn't count as breaking NC. I still have not sent anything to her since nov 29.

[gcp]

Some days are ok, some days aren't.. today is a bad day. Day 17 of NC and I am sitting here wondering what it must be like to dump someone you once said you had loved like no one else before, only to be back with your ex 2 days later. You didn't have to grieve the end, you just went right back to him, and everything is just fine with you, you have someone to love you at night. While I am home, alone, trying to get my confidence back after getting totally destroyed. I know I am a good man, kind, loving, caring and very forgiving.... but dammit i am angry.

 

We almost brought a child into this world, just a week before you left me for your ex you were telling me how much you loved me. I hope he treats you better this time, and i hope you regret your decision.. But I won't be there for you if you do, if he starts acting like him old self again. I am not sure how much a man can change in 6 months. Maybe he has, who knows. It seems like you are running from something, you can't be alone.

 

I can't wait for the day where you don't cross my mind.

[TheBetterPerson]

Some days are ok, some days aren't.. today is a bad day. Day 17 of NC and I am sitting here wondering what it must be like to dump someone you once said you had loved like no one else before, only to be back with your ex 2 days later. You didn't have to grieve the end, you just went right back to him, and everything is just fine with you, you have someone to love you at night. While I am home, alone, trying to get my confidence back after getting totally destroyed. I know I am a good man, kind, loving, caring and very forgiving.... but dammit i am angry.

 

We almost brought a child into this world, just a week before you left me for your ex you were telling me how much you loved me. I hope he treats you better this time, and i hope you regret your decision.. But I won't be there for you if you do, if he starts acting like him old self again. I am not sure how much a man can change in 6 months. Maybe he has, who knows. It seems like you are running from something, you can't be alone.

 

I can't wait for the day where you don't cross my mind.

 

Wow i can only imagine how you are feeling!

You are doing well after 17 days of NC, really impressive.

 

How are you feeling now?

 

The day that the ex doesnt come into my mind will be the day i have won at life

[gcp]

Day 39 of NC. I still think about her a lot. But now when I do its a mix of anger and I guess you could say confusion. In my mind I don't see her as the woman I feel in love with, the woman I was planning on marrying, or the woman who I was thrilled to potentially bear a child with.

 

After being lied to, a tossed aside for an abusive ex I just don't know if anything she ever said to me was true, I just don't feel like I ever really knew who she was. I realize now I ignored all the red flags. Her clinical anxiety, her extreme low self esteem, her lack of communication and the fact she never really let me in emotionally. That was my fault for ignoring those, but I was blinded my what could be or could have been.

 

As far as I know she is still with her ex. I blocked her on everything so I don't really know for sure but we have enough mutual friends I am sure I would have heard something. I am starting to feel better about myself, I've had a couple of attractive woman interested in me, but I am not ready to put myself back out there yet. I let them know this and one was ok with just keeping in casual which is nice.

 

More than anything now I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that she chose an abusive ex over me, like he was her better option. What does that say about me right? I know her decisions are out of my control.

 

It's getting better though. Still angry and hurt but it is slowly getting better. I honestly thank god we did not have that child together. I still feel this would have happened or she would have had some severe postpartum depression going on. I saw this before with her and its like everytime her ex pops back up she acts very depressed, confused, and not like herself. Like he has some weird power over her. Anyways she dumped me over a text message so screw her, she doesn't deserve my love.

 

I don't think she will ever be truly happy until she gets the help she needs. I am getting help myself, staying in the gym, reconnecting with friends and have seen a counselor a few times. All I truly want is to fall in love, get married and start a family. At 31 years old I feel I am falling behind a bit but thats ok, life tends to work itself out.

[gcp]

Almost 7 weeks NC....

 

I want so bad to write her, to clear the air. I feel that our lack of intimacy after the miscarriage lead her back to her ex. I want so bad to tell her that honestly I was grieving and sex was literally the last thing on my mind. I was heart broken for her, for myself, for the baby... everything. And that I tried to talk to her about it but the communication on her end just wasn't there. She chose to grieve alone, I on the other hand needed her to be there for me too.

 

I want to let her know that we all have insecurities, I saw hers and accepted them. They are part of her and I loved her, all of her. I feel as though she saw mine and they were a deal breaker.

 

I also want to tell her while I am not happy how she ended things, I accept it. I deserved more than a text message break up, but whats done is done and I do not hate her, just wish she had handled it different.

 

After all this time for some reason today is crushing me. I feel heart broken all over again and I don't know why. I need some support ladies and gents

Edited January 15, 2019 by gcp

[Charlierose30]

Hi gcp,

 

Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so so painful. I’ve just read through your story and I see some big similarities to my own, only we’re different sexes!

 

I want to let her know that we all have insecurities, I saw hers and accepted them. They are part of her and I loved her, all of her. I feel as though she saw mine and they were a deal breaker.

 

This is heartbreaking. I remember trying to explain this to my ex before we split but it fell on deaf ears. For some people, expecting (completely unrealistic) perfection in others is a way of keeping those people at arms length. They’ll always have something up their sleeve to hold against you. She can’t be happy in herself so she will look at what’s “wrong” with you and make that the cause of her unhappiness.

 

My ex also suffered from depression and anxiety, and much of his behaviour, especially towards the end, was irrational and illogical (at least to me). It is hard to comprehend what is going on in their minds and I understand completely how you must be feeling right now.

 

I would suggest writing to her, and saying everything you need to say. Put it all out there. Then, sit on it for a few days. Don’t send it just yet. You might find that writing it all out makes you feel much better even without sending it and breaking the great progress you’ve made during no contact. Believe me, someone on here have me the exact same advice recently and it really did help.

[nolanola]

Hi gcp, I read another thread of yours I think. I didn't see this one for some reason. Can I give you some insight, as a woman that was previously in a very bad and toxic relationship? I dated this man off and on for several years. He was emotionally and at times physically abusive. He destroyed my self esteem and made me doubt myself. I very clearly recall googling "am I in an abusive relationship" because I couldn't see reality. That's how much he broke me down. We were back and forth because he would cheat on me and start dating a new woman. I would go nuts, freaking out, crying, driving by his house and other things that are too humiliating to write. Then he would come back and we would get back together for a while until it would all repeat. This went on for years. The situation didn't end until he broke up with me and then did something that so humiliated me that I realized I had no choice but to go NC.

 

The reason I wrote all that out was to give you some insight into your ex. She is in a vicious cycle with a toxic person and it's a lot like an addiction. She is going to keep going back until something happens so that she hits bottom. Her self esteem is probably in the toilet. This has very, very little to do with you. You could have been the best guy in the world, given her everything, rocked her world three times a day in bed and she still would have left. It's part of the pathology. I dated a guy in the middle of the merry go round with my ex. He was really sweet and kind but I kicked him to the curb as soon as my ex came back. I just couldn't see how bad the situation was for me. I wanted my ex to love and accept me more than anything. And he was never going to.

 

This really has very little to do with you, so please don't beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do with her. This is about her insecurity and the terrible situation with her ex. Some day I think you will be glad that you were able to separate from their craziness, but I know it sucks right now. You can't make time go by any faster and there aren't any shortcuts to feel better.

 

I agree with Charlierose30, write out everything you want to say to her but don't send it. I talk to my ex when I'm on long drives sometimes. Other people might think I'm nuts, but I think it helps.

[gcp]

Thank you Charlierose and Nolanola. I will try writing a letter but I will definitely not send it. It's weird, some days I feel at peace with it all, but some days I sit at work, staring at my computer screen, completely unable to work. Those days are fewer and farther between, but today was one of them. Again, thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm trying to not blame myself, and basically everyone has told me this was not my fault, but we as people want answers, and when that person isn't there to give them to you its hard not to look inward.

 

Today will pass, and I am moving on. Today was just a kick in the guy for some reason, not sure what triggered it. I guess today I actually thought about what would have happened if she didn't miscarriage. Then my mind went to how damn happy I was at the thought of being a father, and how happy I was that she was happy to be a mother too... and we were in it together. Now we are strangers.