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my ex texts me just to have pointless/empty convos??


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 28th November 2018, 1:54 AM   #1
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my ex texts me just to have pointless/empty convos??

So, I posted a while ago after my break-up when I was doing pretty poorly. Fast-forward three months, and I'm honestly doing pretty great. After two years together, I was so heartbroken at first (I was the dumpee), but after about two months, I started making some huge realizations and really started to begin to heal. We've communicated off and on since the break up -- we ended on good terms, there was no resentment, so we have definitely tried to maintain a positive post-relationship vibe. The longest we have gone without contact was about three weeks from mid-October to November -- I went NC but he eventually contacted me again and I responded. Which many may view as a setback to my healing process, but it turned out not to be at all. Our dialogue left me pretty annoyed at him honestly (he said things like "I miss talking to you because you're still the best person I've ever met"), so much so that something in me just switched and I immediately felt myself falling out of love with him. From that point on, talking to him as just a friend has honestly become pretty easy.

So that's where I'm at right now. He just texted me today for the first time since that conversation (which he ghosted me on), which I kindly responded to, and again, I'm feeling pretty annoyed. He literally texted me with "Hi! How was your Thanksgiving," and then immediately segwayed into the fact that he just bought a new car. I responded, happy for him, and then EIGHT hours later (11 pm at night) he replies saying how it's so nice/it's a convertible, etc.

Like.... okay. Can anyone please explain to me his motivation for texting me? Why text someone out of wanting to talk to them if you're not even going to reply for 8+ hours? And seemingly solely just to tell me he got a new car? It's as if he's perhaps trying to impress me in a way, but I don't know what his reason for that would be. He never did things out of ill-intent while we were together, so for him to do it just to try to hurt me or make me jealous doesn't really fit either (and especially since he was the dumper). I'm definitely not hurt over it, I've pretty much completely lost all romantic feelings for him, but I do still care for him as a person which is why I do continue to respond/try to maintain a friendly relationship with him. The whole thing just leaves me so lost and curious as to what his motives are.
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Old 28th November 2018, 3:22 AM   #2
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He's just desperate at this point, it's obvious he wants you back in his life. Showcasing the new car, he is trying to show you his self-value. Basically, he's able to buy new things and afford them. It's interesting to see your side that him reaching out to you actually caused your attraction to drop. I'm assuming if he completely went no contact and reached out at a later time he'd be at a much better playing field. Regret is a mother****er and it seems like it'starting to sink in for him. So the choice is you either want to maintain or a relationship with him or just cut him off completely. I know you care for him as a person, but you're doing yourself in by talking to him.

He's trying to give you bait, the new car the positive post-relationship friendship. I don't think he will come out and say he wants you back in his life for fear of rejection. So the subtle little conversations, the car, are all him trying to have you be hooked again.

Last edited by BMWN52; 28th November 2018 at 3:31 AM..
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Old 28th November 2018, 9:24 AM   #3
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This is yet another reason why NC in the immediate aftermath is good -- no mixed messages to decode.

If you want to talk about reconciling, put it on the table. Reach out, set up a meeting & talk

If you are fine the way things are, stop responding when he reaches out. You only hurt yourself when you listen to him saying nothing.
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Old 28th November 2018, 10:17 AM   #4
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I'm with d0nnivain here. I think this happens a lot after a relationship ends. One person keeps reaching out for any number of reasons (they want to get back together, they feel guilty, they miss the person, they want to keep the door open for something down the line, etc).

You say you have no feelings for this person. I wonder if part of that is because right now you have the upper hand in the situation. He's contacting you. I'm just wondering if it's keeping a piece of you tied to the guy and the relationship. You might be different than me, but I know I've never been able to be really friendly with an ex (truly friendly, meaning I would not care if they started dating someone and told me about it) right after a breakup. Actually, I've never been able to truly be friends with any of my exes. Some of them I think fondly of, but we don't talk regularly.

One option, to avoid making yourself insane with the "why" questions, is to contact him and say something like "I'm glad you're doing well. However, I am trying to move on and staying in touch with you is delaying that process. I would like to stop talking for a while."
Something like that. That way, you let him know you need some space and it doesn't seem mean or cold. Trying to interpret someone's (likely) meaningless texts can and will make you nuts.
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Old 28th November 2018, 11:21 AM   #5
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Block him from contact and you won't have this problem.
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Old 28th November 2018, 11:23 AM   #6
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He wanted to reconcile but wasn't confident to put it on the table, because he hurt you first and wasn't sure how you will react. He pretended to be cool, but the random text msg and delayed replies exposed his motive and anxiety.

Since you don't seem to want him back, then stop replying to him. He will go away.
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Old 28th November 2018, 11:28 AM   #7
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I appreciate the replies, but for everyone saying that I should just block him and go NC forever...

I’m not hurt at all by him reaching out. I’m past that point. While blocking him/going NC forever is a good solution for the end of most relationships, it’s just not the right one for our situation. We had a wonderful relationship together and he did nothing but treat me incredibly well — I am not a mean-hearted person and ignoring him when he goes out of his way to ask me how I’m doing is not who I am, no matter what his internal motive may be. I feel like if he feels he needs to text me for whatever reason, he misses me, he feels guilt, etc., then fine, why not let him? It doesn’t affect me in any way except peak my curiosity a bit, and I won't lie, knowing he is still holding on to me when I’m not doing the same to him, does give me a tiny bit of an ego boost. I’m not looking for reconciliation at all, I’m already out dating again, and excited to find someone new.

Was just interested in perspectives on his motivations for reaching out the way he does not on whether I should ever talk to him again.

Last edited by sunflower24; 28th November 2018 at 11:32 AM..
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Old 28th November 2018, 11:33 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BMWN52 View Post
He's just desperate at this point, it's obvious he wants you back in his life. Showcasing the new car, he is trying to show you his self-value. Basically, he's able to buy new things and afford them. It's interesting to see your side that him reaching out to you actually caused your attraction to drop. I'm assuming if he completely went no contact and reached out at a later time he'd be at a much better playing field. Regret is a mother****er and it seems like it'starting to sink in for him. So the choice is you either want to maintain or a relationship with him or just cut him off completely. I know you care for him as a person, but you're doing yourself in by talking to him.

He's trying to give you bait, the new car the positive post-relationship friendship. I don't think he will come out and say he wants you back in his life for fear of rejection. So the subtle little conversations, the car, are all him trying to have you be hooked again.
This is a very helpful perspective, thank you!
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Old 28th November 2018, 12:02 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
One option, to avoid making yourself insane with the "why" questions, is to contact him and say something like "I'm glad you're doing well. However, I am trying to move on and staying in touch with you is delaying that process. I would like to stop talking for a while."
Something like that. That way, you let him know you need some space and it doesn't seem mean or cold.
This is exactly what I did when I went NC for those 3.5 weeks in October and November. I told him that I finally needed to start to move on, and that was just not feasible continuing contact with him. He said he understood, so the fact that he wound up texting me again, disregarding my wishes, was really what made me start to lose all romantic interest in him. I realized how selfish it was of him to text me, interrupting my healing process, just to tell me he missed talking to me. Like I said, at first I regretted my decision to respond, but it actually turned out to (very quickly) help my heart acknowledge how wrong he is for me and begin to fall out of love with him.

Last edited by sunflower24; 28th November 2018 at 12:04 PM..
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Old 28th November 2018, 2:35 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflower24 View Post
Iím not hurt at all by him reaching out. Iím past that point.


Was just interested in perspectives on his motivations for reaching out the way he does not on whether I should ever talk to him again.
If you are not hurt by him reaching out then what is your Q? If you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you don't want to talk to him don't. His motives shouldn't factor into this but I think maybejune analyzed his motives correctly.
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Old 28th November 2018, 3:18 PM   #11
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The ball is in your court at this point. I think you're a very caring person which is obvious by your actions. I've been in the same situation as your ex, so I know what his game plan is. Only difference is the girl, I was dating cut me off and blocked me. I was temporary painkiller for her.

Point being, is you either try and fix things or move on. You could try the " friends" route but that usually ends up getting people hurt if you want him in your life.

Sometimes the dumper breaks up with the dumpee, because they're stressed in the relationship. It's sorta like " taking a break". But when they said it was over, he was in flight or fight mode. Now he's trying to recoup what he's about to lose based off fear.

Last edited by BMWN52; 28th November 2018 at 3:24 PM..
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Old 28th November 2018, 5:11 PM   #12
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Friends don't have expectations the way lovers/partners/spouses do. Texts are 'whatever' and conversations can be dropped at any moment when something else comes up. Sharing 'stuff' via text or social media is common these days and it's not a personal invitation, rather just blasting stuff out there in the current electronic social milieu.

If the disjointed/unbalanced/ghosted conversation tones are unpalatable, cool, block the number and consider this ex to be a solid ex.

When we got divorced my exW and I kept our same numbers and she called/texted me four times, one to get her car title out of my safe that she forget when leaving, two to offer me my childhood bed when she was done with it at her place, three called when her best friend, also a friend of mine, died, four when the cat we'd had during our M that she kept died. We've been divorced eight years. If she was a true friend we'd still be married. We're not. Accepted.

Accept the real. This is the reality of the ex. Can it change? Sure. Anything is possible. Live today.
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Old 28th November 2018, 5:21 PM   #13
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He's just telling everybody he got a new car is all.
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