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Ugh, NC never gets any easier


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 4th January 2019, 8:10 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by PolyPocket View Post
Did you reach out to her? Did you hear the response you wanted?
Lots of times when I feel desperate to contact my ex I always go back to what I it is Iím truly after. The main reason those of us who wanted to reach out to our exes is because we want to check in if their feelings have changed hoping That enough NC would suddenly make them want us. Thatís not always the case. In my heart I know, so I made a promise to myself that I will only talk to him if I hear him say that he misses me, he regrets letting me go, and that he wants me back. Thatís my requirement and I know Iíll never get that if I were the one reaching out, so I kept with NC even if itís killing me. In the end itís better to hear the silence than to be disappointed.

I hope that helps.
I hear it all the time but i was with my ex for 7 years and a half, i really dont want it to be that long until i am over him! NC is the way forward
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Old 4th January 2019, 8:11 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by Iamyoungjuan View Post
I was five days in until I cracked last night Reaching out is a bad idea I got the same answers that I got before I started NC but worse she is seeing someone else and admitted to having sex still donít wanna see me or be bother with me

Now I have to start all over again
Its tough, i found out my ex is with someone and it broke me!
Stay strong, dont dwell and keep moving forward, you will get over this! you will! it wasnt meant to be sadly, just dont hurt yourself by messaging them!

x
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Old 4th January 2019, 9:39 AM   #63
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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post

(WARNING: Real talk follows) Please do not throw yourself at your ex. You are going to make yourself look desperate and no man ever said "See that desperate woman? She's my dream come true, I've got to make her my girlfriend"

Thanks - I needed to hear that. Looking desperate is the last thing I want. It's one of my biggest fears actually. And up until now I'm quite sure that I didn't come off as desperate. But as I mentioned before... I'm starting to lose my gut feeling. I honestly don't want to stop texting him (well, as long as we have sth. to talk about and it doesn't feel as if he's just texting back out of politeness). But I definitely don't want to throw myself at him. So I didn't reply to his message yesterday after all and just went to bed after posting here. Today I texted him back (just answering some random questions he had asked me) and in regards to the weekend-plans-question I just said "Going out Friday. No plans for Saturday." So, that was an honest answer but I didn't suggest meeting him. And I promise that I won't bring it up again until he does and specifically asks me out



No, I don't think I'll text the NYE guy. I'll run into him sooner or later because we have the same extended circle of friends. We'll see how that goes then. But it's my birthday in a few days and I'm throwing a party. IF he does reach out to me via social media (we didn't exchange phone numbers but we're friends on Facebook) to say Happy Birthday or anything like that, I'm going to invite him.
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Old 4th January 2019, 10:15 AM   #64
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Originally Posted by PolyPocket View Post
This part made me feel sad, almost got a bit teary-eyed because it was the same exact thing I went thru with my ex. I didn't want to cause any drama or conflict so I never said anything to him that bothered me. I was afraid that I would spoil our time together by bringing up my frustrations, and eventually it would lead to him leaving and I was afraid of that for so long. Maybe that's why I don't have any regrets with the whole NC thing. It was because I knew I tried my hardest to keep things positive between us, but in the end he still didn't give me the relationship I want. Finally that caused me to walk away. I just got tired of waiting around, and it seemed like I was fighting the impossible.<snip>
I relate to what you say SO much. Very similar to my situation. The ending with my guy felt really open as well, although the longer that we don't speak to each other, the more final it seems. Basically what happened with me is that he and I had been in this weird grey zone for the past 2 years and I had really hoped that he would "get ready" and want to be in a relationship. I felt him start pulling away in the summer, but that had happened from time to time in the past and I thought maybe things were crazy with his work and his kids.

Then he became more in contact and I thought things were getting more back to normal. Until I stumbled upon a facebook page of some woman claiming to be his girlfriend. That was it and I lost it and texted him that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He was like "what?" and I said he should have told me that he was seeing someone and that I was so stupid to still be sitting there caring about him. He said he cared about me too and didn't feel stupid about it and that he hadn't had a girlfriend the last time he saw me (about a month before) so there hadn't been anything to tell.

Then I said he could have told me anytime since and that I felt like a speed bump he had run over after his divorce until he found someone he wanted to be with and that it hurt. He responded by saying that he couldn't believe that I felt that way, that he never thought that about me. He said he was sorry he had hurt me in any way and then said "I'm a bit curious who you think I'm seeing?". That line haunts me to this day because I can't understand what it means. He closed by saying that he hoped my Dad's health was better and that I was recovering well from a surgery I had. That was it until he sent a text at Thanksgiving saying something about that he hoped I had had a good holiday and that he read an article I wrote and liked it. I ignored that and have heard nothing since.

Sorry for the long winded explanation, but I very much relate to that feeling of it not being closed. He and I don't live in the same city, thank goodness, but we travel together once a year for a week. That's in late April, so still a ways off. I'm trying to make closure for myself, by saying that it doesn't matter if he is or is not seeing someone. He has not made any attempt to be with me in a real relationship, so it doesn't really matter. But I hate not knowing. I can't bring myself to look online again because if I saw a picture of them together, I would be heartbroken.

I'm at 9 weeks NC as of yesterday. It gets a tiny bit easier with time, but all the unanswered questions are the hardest part.

How are you coping today?

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th January 2019 at 1:02 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote and add some paragraphs
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Old 4th January 2019, 10:22 AM   #65
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Originally Posted by xweeverx View Post
i just broke the rules again....help
I agree with PolyPocket. Think about what you want and remind yourself of this when you have the urge to contact them. I get very psychological with myself about NC and the things I use for myself might not work for you, but one thing I keep in mind is that I don't want my ex to know that I'm thinking about him. I have spent so many evenings over the past 9 weeks crying, reading things on here, journaling, etc but I do not want him to know that. That gives him the power in knowing that I'm not over him yet. And I don't want to give him that power. I want him to sit there and wonder what happened to me and what I'm doing. Have I forgotten about him? Have I moved on to someone else? He has no idea because he hasn't heard from me.

I also agree that asking "will this action get me closer to what I want?" is SO helpful when you want to break NC. Let's say you text your ex and say "Hi, how are you" or something like that and they respond politely. Where are you now? Nowhere closer to getting back together. And actually it's worse, because you don't know if they're replying out of politeness or if they really want to talk to you. And also you're giving them an ego boost.

That said, don't beat yourself up. We've all been there. Just look yourself in the mirror and make a promise to yourself that you won't do things that hurt yourself and set you back.

Come on here when you want to break NC. Post what you're going to say and we will talk you out of it .
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Old 4th January 2019, 10:25 AM   #66
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LauraXX, good for you!! Just out of curiosity, what is your goal with the texting? I'm not one of those people on here that thinks NC is the answer to everything, but I'm just wondering what you're hoping to achieve here. Are you ok just being friends with him? Would you be crushed if you find out that he is seeing someone else on the side? I know I couldn't do that, but a lot of other people are more chill about these things.

I envy your options!! There aren't any other men on my horizon to be a distraction and that kind of sucks. But I'm trying to focus on other areas of my life instead. Not that that really works, but I'm trying.
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Old 4th January 2019, 10:46 AM   #67
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NC is not just about the physical aspects of contact ie the texts the emails the letters, the social media, the meet ups (deliberate and non-deliberate), it is mainly about freeing your mind.

You can block a person everywhere but if you then choose to continually fill your mind up with thoughts of your lost love, then that is never going to work.
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Old 4th January 2019, 11:09 AM   #68
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NC is not just about the physical aspects of contact ie the texts the emails the letters, the social media, the meet ups (deliberate and non-deliberate), it is mainly about freeing your mind.

You can block a person everywhere but if you then choose to continually fill your mind up with thoughts of your lost love, then that is never going to work.
I don't disagree, but I think that part takes time. As you stop talking to the person, stop looking at their posts, their stuff online, etc, other things just naturally start to take up space in your mind. I still think about old exes from years and years ago, but would definitely say I'm over them. I also think as you stay in NC, you start to accept the situation, especially if they don't reach out to you in any way. Acceptance I think is where the real healing starts. But you can't rush it. You accept reality when you're ready to do so. When acceptance is less painful than hanging on.
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Old 4th January 2019, 12:39 PM   #69
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1 month NC

It's so hard... especially when you still love them so much... but I know NC is what I need to do. This week I have been dealing with a lot of anger and feeling that way just goes so against who I am.
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Old 4th January 2019, 2:05 PM   #70
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Yeah I been trying to do NC but she will reach out and I will reply and when ask about Putting our family back together she say no chance

She just told me that I can have some sex from her next week but changed her mind because I wasn’t able to get the kids when she asked she also said that she will not bother me anymore so I’m just gonna go no contact for a few weeks and hopefully she miss me if not hopefully I can start moving on and learn to live without her again
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Old 4th January 2019, 4:09 PM   #71
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I wasnít able to get the kids when she asked
Are the kids yours? You should try maintain contact with them.
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Old 4th January 2019, 5:38 PM   #72
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Yes the kids are mine but I wasnít able to get them at the time but I do have contact with them I bought them phones and pay they phone bill
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Old 4th January 2019, 6:59 PM   #73
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Originally Posted by PolyPocket View Post
Did you reach out to her? Did you hear the response you wanted?
... I made a promise to myself that I will only talk to him if I hear him say that he misses me, he regrets letting me go, and that he wants me back. Thatís my requirement and I know Iíll never get that if I were the one reaching out, so I kept with NC even if itís killing me. In the end itís better to hear the silence than to be disappointed.

I hope that helps.
So YES, I reached out to her, and NO, I didn't really get the response I desired. Your approach of setting requirements for them to meet before YOU allow contact is a great idea! I think I read in one of your posts that your break happened this past Thanksgiving, so you and I are on the same time frame. I got the boot over that same weekend. Thanks Poly!

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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
I agree with PolyPocket. Think about what you want and remind yourself of this when you have the urge to contact them...

I also agree that asking "will this action get me closer to what I want?" is SO helpful when you want to break NC. Let's say you text your ex and say "Hi, how are you" or something like that and they respond politely. Where are you now? Nowhere closer to getting back together. And actually it's worse, because you don't know if they're replying out of politeness or if they really want to talk to you. And also you're giving them an ego boost.

That said, don't beat yourself up. We've all been there. Just look yourself in the mirror and make a promise to yourself that you won't do things that hurt yourself and set you back.

Come on here when you want to break NC. Post what you're going to say and we will talk you out of it .
Thanks NOLA! Also, very good advice.
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Old 4th January 2019, 8:24 PM   #74
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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
LauraXX, good for you!! Just out of curiosity, what is your goal with the texting? I'm not one of those people on here that thinks NC is the answer to everything, but I'm just wondering what you're hoping to achieve here. Are you ok just being friends with him? Would you be crushed if you find out that he is seeing someone else on the side? I know I couldn't do that, but a lot of other people are more chill about these things.

I canít really say. I donít know if I mentioned that before, but Iím still friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. Might sound a bit freaky, but I really canít stand goodbyes. My very best friend is an ex-boyfriend. Heís also the godfather of my kid. Itís justÖ I fall in love for a reason and when I meet somebody great, I just want to keep that person in my life, even when the romantic aspect of the relationship is long gone. So yes, Iíd rather be friends with him than to lose him completely. That being saidÖ right now Iím still very much in love with him and Iíd be totally crushed if I found out that he has a new girlfriend. So yep, definitely setting myself up for another disappointment.


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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
I envy your options!! There aren't any other men on my horizon to be a distraction and that kind of sucks. But I'm trying to focus on other areas of my life instead. Not that that really works, but I'm trying.

Don't. As I said before...that NYE guy was a pleasant surprise and exception. But guys are not exactly lining up to go out with me. I'm a single mom. I have baggage. My only advantage is that I live in a very big city and there's the illusion of endless possibilities on Tinder (mostly creeps though and the decent ones almost never text you back ).
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Old 4th January 2019, 10:03 PM   #75
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Wow, LauraXX, that is great that you have been able to stay friends with exes. I have a few that I think of very fondly, but we aren't "friends" in the sense of talking frequently or hanging out. But I haven't had that many amicable break ups. My two most recent breakups have been pretty rough and I can't even think of being friends with either of them. I guess I could be "friendly" with my most recent. Although the thought of having to be around him makes me want to cry, so I'm probably not ready for that. My other big, earth-shattering break up? I'd run the other way if I saw him coming, but he's not a very nice person.

I hope it works out for you. Things seem kind of bleak for me right now, so I'm just trying to focus on my work and getting from one day to the next. I got an email this morning from a colleague/friend and my ex was on the cc list. Things like that always make my stomach lurch and it makes me wonder if he would have noticed my name on there too. I know I ignored him last, but sometimes I feel like he hates me or has forgotten about me. I think I just have the blues today.

How is everyone else doing today?
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