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Ugh, NC never gets any easier


nolanola

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So I was on this forum a lot many years ago, when I was involved in a terrible and toxic relationship. It took me forever to get up the gumption to go full NC and then several years for that to really help me heal. But I did and got to a good place in my life.

 

I even met someone new, someone I was so excited about. Everything seemed so great at first and I really fell hard for him. Unfortunately, several issues emerged and we decided to just be friends (this was my decision, although I didn't really want to do it). I wound up spending the next 2 years staying in contact with him, occasionally sleeping with him, and still being in love with him. I know it was so stupid, especially after what I went through with my last relationship (although this guy wasn't toxic, but he has other issues). We were close in a lot of ways. Just a few weeks ago he reached out to me about a harassment issue I was dealing with and about a surgery I had. He seemed like he really cared about me and I thought he did. I thought he was so wonderful. Just a few weeks ago he sent me a picture of him and his son at a football game.

 

However, then I found out that he is seeing someone new, at least I think he is. She is posting a bunch of stuff on her Facebook about all the trips she's going on with him (although weirdly there are no pictures of him at all) and calls him her "fella". I know I have no real right to be angry but it really hurt. When I confronted him about it, he didn't confirm it or deny it, which is so maddening. I said my piece about how hurt I was. I started dating him about 6 months after his divorce was final and I really feel like I was just a speed bump for him after his divorce until he found someone he wanted to be with. I told him this and he responded that he couldn't believe that I would think that and that he never thought of me that way. Then he said "I am a little curious who you think I'm seeing". This line has haunted me since then, 3 weeks ago. Why couldn't he just say yes or no?

 

I decided that it was time to really go NC. I deleted his number, his texts, his photos, everything. I have not looked at anything on social media. It is so hard. I remember how hard it was the last time and how long it took me to heal.

 

I don't really have any questions for anyone, I just feel like I needed to vent. NC never gets any easier and having to think of him being with her sucks so bad. I feel like such a schlump in comparison to her. I've been very good about not creeping on her profile or looking for him (this is VERY hard). I know it will get easier, but it seems so impossible right now.

 

Anyone on here with some positive stories about how they went NC and wound up so much happier? Would help a lot.

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It's not solely the NC that gets you to a happier place. It's getting out from the relationship that wasn't working. NC is about not picking at the scab that is trying to form over your broken heart to help heal it.

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I 100% agree. In fact, I know for certain that the thing that helped me to move on from the most toxic relationship I've ever been in was NC. I stopped texting him, calling him, trying to run into him. I avoided any place that he might be like the plague. It took several years, but by the time he came back, I was almost totally healed. Today, I wouldn't want to hear from him or see him.

 

BUT, NC is also REALLY hard. There wouldn't be a "Coping" board on this website if it was easy. I know a lot of other people struggle with it. The thing I love the most about this place is that we support each other. We've all been there and know how hard it is. I know if I keep going forward, I will eventually heal from this. But it really helps to hear how others are positively coping and practicing their own process of healing.

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Charlierose30

Just keep going nolanola. You’re doing great.

I’m struggling to even start no contact. It feels like that’s the first step towards letting go and I don’t feel ready to push that button yet. But if you can do it, I can do it.

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It's been almost 4 weeks for me. I hate the way it ended. It feels really unfinished and I don't know what to think of his replies. I feel like if he had really wanted to stop me from walking away, he would have said something more than what he did. But over the past 2 years, I have always responded when he's reached out and have very clearly not wanted to break ties with him. So there has been no reason for him to step up.

That's sometimes the only thing that keeps me going with NC sometimes. That I want him to have some respect for me. I hate the way I've acted in the past 2 years. I wish I could undo it.

I don't think I was ugly in our last interaction, although I did tell him that he isn't the person I thought he was. Maybe that's really mean, I don't know. But I was so hurt.

I know it will get better someday but right now it sucks. I think about him SO much it annoys me.

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Charlierose30 let's hold each other accountable. Just post here on LS when you feel like you want to reach out to them and I'll talk you out of it.

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Charlierose30

Nolanola - deal! We can do this together.

I totally understand everything you’re saying. I’ve always been available for him when he reaches out, and he knows I’ll always reply. That’s the terrifying thing about cutting off contact - it scares me because I’ve never really said no to him. And even though he’s broken up with me, I feel bad. It’s ridiculous.

But like you, I need him to respect me and I need to respect myself. And so do you.

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Charlierose30 I wrote this in another thread I think but I'll repeat what I said because I think you and I both have this issue. I am not good with boundaries and am always scared of standing up for myself because I don't want to upset someone or I don't want to risk that I would "lose him".

 

When I actually told him how hurt I was and how I felt that he should have told me he was dating someone, I stood up for myself. I set a boundary by saying his behavior was not acceptable to me. After a day or two, my inclination was to want to "fix it" and try to reach out to him and smooth things over. It felt so uncomfortable. My therapist said it was like a right handed person trying to write with their left hand. It feels uncomfortable because it's not something you're used to.

 

She also said it's understandable that the other person doesn't respond well. They don't like it because you've been letting them do whatever they want for so long. To quote what she said "don't expect them to throw a parade".

 

I appreciate your kind words. It's so helpful for me to know that someone else is feeling a lot of the same things and struggling with a lot of the same things.

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Charlierose30

Nolanola, everything you’re saying rings true for me too. I never respected my boundaries and always rushed to fix things as soon as possible. It’s the same with NC, I feel like I’m letting him down, or that I will “lose him”.

He’s already lost. And that was a choice he made.

Has he tried to contact you since you started NC?

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Charlierose30, he has not said anything to me since I started NC. It's been 4 weeks. In my mind, I've been hoping he would. It feels so harsh for him to just let that be it. We've know each other for 5 years and have been close for about 4 and a half. It seems like such a harsh way to end that and I think that's why I say it feels unfinished. I keep thinking maybe he will try to smooth things over when some time has passed. When Thanksgiving went by and he didn't say anything, I start to think that he's probably not going to reach out again. Or maybe he's trying to give me space. Or maybe he's mad at me or hurt by what I said. Not knowing can make a person crazy.

 

But I don't think I said anything so mean. I think I just told him how I felt and how hurt I was. He gets to know that and if that means we never speak again, I hope that eventually I will be at peace for sticking up for myself. I think I will.

 

Be strong. I think we will both feel better after some time has passed. I know I want to feel good about myself again and I think standing up for myself and then backing it up with NC is the first step to get there.

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Charlierose30

He called me. I answered. I told him how hurt I am and how little responsibility he has taken. He still blames me for everything which is infuriating. He is in the wrong here. We both cried. What a mess. It’s a new day tomorrow.

Nolanola, how are you holding up?

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I'm so sorry Charlierose30. He sucks for that. How are you feeling today?

 

I heard from the guy a few days ago. He sent a text with something about how he hoped I had a good Thanksgiving and complimented me on an article I wrote. I have not replied. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to not reply. I worry about what he thinks or whatever. But that message was some BS. He said nothing about hurting me and still hasn't even confirmed to me about whether he's dating someone. And I've been crying so many tears for the past few weeks and obsessing about what he's doing. So I've decided that I have to do something different than I've done in the past, which was that I always jumped when he contacted me. If he wants to contact me in a real way, I'm willing to respond to that.

 

It's set me back a little bit to get his text, but I hope it won't for long. How are you feeling after talking to your ex? Maybe it's time to set a boundary with him as far as talking, at least if you don't feel good after talking to him. You deserve to be happy and to be able to heal. If he can't contribute to that, then he doesn't deserve to be in your life for right now.

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Charlierose30

Hi Nolanola, I feel horrible after speaking to him. I really wanted him to apologise, or empathise, or show me something (anything) to indicate that he knows how ****ty this situation has been. But instead I just got blame, which made me question myself all over again.

I don’t understand how I can miss him so much (it feels painful) and want to see and speak to him so badly and he doesn’t. A month ago we were planning our future, how can he forget about me so quickly?! It is so hard to feel like I meant nothing to him. How do you cope with these feelings?

You’ve done the right thing not responding. He has no right to throw you breadcrumbs like that. He chose to let you go so he has to live with that. All of it. If he were to give you something solid then that would be different but it doesn’t sound like he is capable of that right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve so much better.

I feel really hopeless right now.

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I’m so sorry Charlierose30. You deserve so much better. Do you think you could send him an email or something and ask him not to contact you anymore? You can also just ignore him but I know I have a hard time with that, even when it’s justified. I feel mean if I don’t write back. But I think you need to cut this douche out of your life. He doesn’t deserve to be able to talk to you if he’s guys be like that. He most likely feels he has nothing to lose because he can still talk to you when he wants to. It hasn’t occurred to him yet that he’s going to lose you.

Maybe send an email, keep it super short and just say you were upset by the conversation and that it made you realize that you need space with no communication. I know it’s so scary. Or you can just block him/ignore him.

I just know that when you’re not getting what you want and deserve from a relationship, it’s going to hurt you and give you false hope to stay in touch with him.

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I found that at times when your ex attempts to contact you that it usually only makes you feel worse if you respond. I've even been in the position where my ex contacted me wanting to reconcile and I accepted and within a couple days things were over again! So even if your ex is extending what appears to be a serious Olive Branch towards reconciliation you're still running the risk of getting hurt again.

 

Using your ex's attempt to contact you as a means to communicate how you feel or to tell them off may feel good in the moment but it doesn't take long to start feeling the pain you had prior to speaking to them again. I remember telling my ex-wife a bunch of things to make her feel bad and guilt trip her into working things out. Not only did that not change her mind down the road it made me realize how foolish I looked saying anything to her. Hell, I sent her lyrics of a band we both liked in the hopes that she would realize that those lyrics reflected how I was feeling. In retrospect I look back and realize those lyrics weren't meant for her they were meant for me! I can imagine she told her friends the kind of **** I said and did and they probably said something like thank God you got rid of that guy.

 

No contact/silence protects you from looking foolish and most importantly it conveys to your ex that you value yourself too much to give them your time. By cutting off communication and starting the healing process you can look back on something to be proud of. I applaud nolanola for not responding. Keep it up and one day you'll look back and say I'm so glad I didn't respond to that bull****.

 

Charlierose30, if I were in your position I'd leave it as it is and stick to NC. It's not what any of us want to hear but I think that it's definitely what helps the most.I miss my ex too and I still wonder how she could have just walked away so easily and not really giving me any thing to go off of. The feelings and questions you have about why your ex did what he did and why he's doing what he's doing aren't going to be answered satisfactorily and it's probably not going to change the way you feel either. I found that it's seems to be best to start the process of grieving the relationship and hoping you get to acceptance of the end of it sooner rather than later. Prolonging the pain by speaking to your ex and expecting something good to come of it it's only going to make that process harder.

 

I really feel for you guys I'm going through the same emotions but I can tell you that I'm so much happier with how I've handled this breakup than with how I handled my divorce by sticking to NC. It has given me resolve I forgot I had. Instead of acting on my emotions I have allowed them to exist and just felt them. There are good and bad times ahead, hopefully more good, but right now I'm just taking the time to move on. we may not like that process but it's what we have to do to survive these tumultuous times and become greater people.

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Thank you, endnote. You are totally right about that. I have appreciated your posts a lot. I took a screenshot of one to help me when I felt so torn up imagining my ex with someone new.

 

I know I deserve a lot better than some generic BS text. I mean, texting is officially the laziest way to communicate with someone. I have a feeling that he is trying to "take my temperature" to see if I am still upset with him. Over the 5 years that I've know him, I've gotten upset with him a few times and we've stopped talking for a few weeks, but I've always responded when he reached out again.

 

It's super scary for me to not reply, but the whole thing also makes me feel better about the situation. I mean, in my imagination, he was practically engaged to this new person so the fact that he's trying to reconnect with me doesn't say much for that whatever relationship.

 

There is a quote from a tv show that I try to think of. One of the characters is trying to decide whether or not to go on a trip. The other character says "Sometimes in life if you take a chance, good things happen. Sometimes bad things happen. But if you don't take a chance, nothing happens". So thinking of that in this situation.

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Charlierose30

Hi guys,

Thanks for your responses. The last few days have been rough, I’ve been trying to maintain NC but it’s like he senses it! As soon as I stop responding he persists more, which drags me right back into it. I’ve decided to tell him to stop contacting me, I think it’s the only way he’ll stop with the push/pull dynamic that he’s got going on. We still have a few practicalities left to iron out but I can farm them off to other people so I don’t have to interact with him.

The funny thing is, and I feel like you’ll understand this Nolanola, that I already feel guilty about telling him to back off. It’s so ridiculous, even though he has ended our relationship I feel bad about setting boundaries for myself in order to properly heal.

How are you doing? Endnote, I really wish I could get some of your strength to rub off on me. I feel like I’m nearly there.

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Guilt as an emotion can be very healthy, but it's very complex. You don't want to hurt someone that brought you happiness for a long period of time. It's hard for your mind and body to not think of your ex in that sense. You probably feel guilty because your ex gave you such purpose in the past that the idea of hurting him even now can be excruciating, despite what's actually happening. I've been able to avoid guilt in my current breakup because I can look back on my past divorce with a lot of clarity.

 

When I was still in contact with my ex-wife, I said and did things that not only looked desperate and foolish, but was an attempt to salvage the relationship at any cost, despite the fact that it was a horrible relationship to be in. My emotional survival depended on it at the time. But it wasn't until I went and stayed no contact with my ex did I feel guilty about some of the things I said and did. Going no contact made the message clear to my ex-wife that her behavior was unacceptable and no longer allowed in my life. Calling her names, making her feel guilty, telling her off, asking her to consider my emotions, it did nothing to change what had happened, and it sure as hell didn't make me feel better.

 

Ultimately I feel guilt for the things I said and did while in contact with her, but I can look back on going NC and honestly, I look back on that time in my life fondly. That's what's given me the strength to do the same now, despite the much different context of this breakup. And I'll say, it has been a much better, much more emotionally sensical journey. Focus on you, @Charlierose30, consider all that you can do to let your mind override your emotions to go NC and trust me, with time you will get a to better place much sooner.

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Yes, yes, yes to everything that @endnote said.

 

Boundaries are really tough for some people (like me). I keep thinking about what my therapist told me, that it always feels uncomfortable to do something new. But I totally agree with with the idea that you have to teach someone that what they've done is unacceptable to you. And if they respond negatively to that, that's on them.

 

My best friend always reminds me that we teach people how to treat us and I think that is very true. In my most recent relationship, I taught my ex that I wasn't going anywhere, even when he took me for granted and decreased his efforts over time. When the latest thing happened, a lot of people in my life said that he hadn't really done anything "wrong". We aren't in an exclusive relationship, so he's allowed to see other people. And that is true. But it's not ok with me for him to keep stringing me along while he sees other people. So even though I had doubts about how I approached things with calling him out on this, I don't regret it overall because it's way past time for me to stand up for myself and to show him that this is not ok. And when he sent me a BS nothing text a week ago, that's not ok with me. I deserve better than that crap.

 

Don't be afraid to go NC. You will start to respect yourself more and more as you do it and honor what you say. If nothing else, keep focused on the idea that you need to teach this person what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable. He may never let you know anything, but I promise it will affect him.

 

Of course he won't like it!! That is a sign that you're doing the right thing. He wants to have some control over you and to know that you're still "there". DON'T GIVE HIM THAT SATISFACTION. Let him sit there and sweat and wonder what you're doing without him. Even if you're sitting at home in your bathrobe watching Netflix, he doesn't know that because you aren't talking to him. This keeps me going a lot. And keep posting. We will get through this and be stronger, happier, and respect ourselves more.

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I just wanted to say thank you for this thread. I'm on day 13 of NC and it's hard. Not because I'm tempted to reach out to him - I don't have anything to say to him right now. It's just that I had really hoped he'd get in touch with me and it hurts that he didn't.

 

 

I ended things with him because he got out of a long relationship right before we met and wasn't willing to become exclusive after six months of dating me. When he left, he said that he had a lot to think about and that he was hoping I'd still be there when he was ready to be in a relationship again. And while I told myself I'd never see him again, a small (narcissistic) part of me was convinced he'd be back in no time.

 

 

I just can't let this go. I'm still interpreting little things that should be totally irrelevant by now. For example: He wanted to send me a book and a cable that I left at his place the last time I was there (and that I can't just replace). It's fair to assume that he just forgot about it. But a little voice tries to tell me that he's probably thinking we'll see each other soon and he can just give it to me then. I started to upload Insta stories because I want to be able to see if he visited my profile (he didn't).

 

 

The most difficult part for me is that he didn't really do anything wrong. I've been heartbroken before and it always helped to focus on being mad at the guy, instead of sad about the break-up. But the way he dealt with this whole situation and the things he said to me before he left made me like him even more if that makes sense.

 

 

And you know what I find extremely annoying: During the past six months, all of my girlfriends were against this "relationship". My best friend met him and just didn't like him very much. My sister and my other friends liked him alright, but didn't see a future for us because there were so many red flags.

And now that I ended things and I'm hurting they're all like: "But why did you end this then? He just got out of a relationship - it's completely normal that he doesn't want to commit right away. You should have given him more time. You have no reason to complain when you're the one who suddenly changed the rules of the game." Ugh.... I just miss him so bad :(

Edited by LauraXX
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LauraXX, I totally feel you. If it makes you feel any better, I was in a similar situation to you, except that once I "ended it" I stayed in communication with the guy. I thought he was the most wonderful person I had ever met and wanted to stay "friends". Of course, what I really hoped was that he would see how amazing I was and decide that he was ready to move forward to a more serious relationship. All that did was cause me to become more attached to him and more afraid of losing him, while giving him the comfort of having me there, idolizing him.

 

I think you did the right thing. At least in your situation, you walk away with your dignity and respect and you two are on good terms. He likely thinks of you as someone with standards and self respect. I dearly wish I had taken some NC time a while back with my guy. As it stands, we stayed "friends" and he started dating someone else. At least I think he did -- he has never confirmed this to me and I have decided to avoid social media, although it is extremely difficult. My feelings were crushed and I basically told him this. I cannot see how we could be friends again because I am so hurt. So I think you did the right thing, even though it probably feels wrong right now.

 

I respect your ability to set and stick to your boundaries, as you can see from reading this thread, this is something a lot of us struggle with. Who knows what might happen with this guy? You might run into him in 6 months and decide to see each other again. Or you might get over him and meet someone wonderful. Please keep posting -- I get a lot out of reading the posts of others in similar situations.

 

ETA: Don't be so sure you won't hear from him. They have a way of popping back up right about the time you're feeling better and not thinking about them. It's like bat radar or something.

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LauraXX, I totally feel you. If it makes you feel any better, I was in a similar situation to you, except that once I "ended it" I stayed in communication with the guy. I thought he was the most wonderful person I had ever met and wanted to stay "friends". Of course, what I really hoped was that he would see how amazing I was and decide that he was ready to move forward to a more serious relationship. All that did was cause me to become more attached to him and more afraid of losing him, while giving him the comfort of having me there, idolizing him.

.

 

Yeah, I’ve been there. I’m approaching 40 now and I’ve had my fair share of “relationships” where I didn’t clearly communicate my needs and basically allowed the guy to drag me along until he finally met someone better. You live for the highs when you’re together and everything feels perfect and when you’re not together you suffer like a drug addict on withdrawal. I’ve promised myself not to do that anymore.

 

But it was definitely naïve to believe, that if I just communicate my needs in a straightforward yet charming way, the guy would realize what he’s about to lose and gladly agree to anything I suggest :lmao:. He made me feel like I was his top priority in the past six months and now it turns out that I was just good enough for sex and comfort on the weekends, but not someone he’d even delete his stupid Tinder profile for. I’ve been rejected before and it always hurt, but this time it’s worse because (1) he made me believe that I meant the world to him and (2) I didn’t even ask for much.

 

My problem now is (in addition to dealing with this terrible sadness) that I’m still not really looking for a serious relationship myself. I still believe that something like a casual relationship would be ideal for me. I basically want exactly what I had with him plus the exclusivity. And I have the feeling that everybody out there (especially on Tinder) is either looking for something very serious (just went on a first date with a guy who told me that he wants to become a father asap) or sex. So now I’m trying to get over a relationship while trying to find that exact same relationship again. Great :/

 

I’m still thinking that I might get in touch with him at one point. But it would be dangerous to do that in my current state of mind. I’d probably agree to anything he suggests (if he’d reply at all) and then we’d be in the same situation as before. Somehow, I’m hoping that I’ll “fall out of love” with him in the next few weeks. And that he’ll go on some terrible dates and realize how good he had it with me . And then we’ll just continue where we left off with him being more committed and me not being as emotionally involved as before. Yes, of course I know that that’s not going to happen. But a girl can dream, right?

 

(Sorry about any spelling mistakes etc. English is not my first language).

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LauraXX, I can relate to everything you said. I am 42 now and like my life in a lot of ways. I have a good job and a home and can take care of myself. I would love to find a partner to share life's experiences with, because some days it just feels lonely. But, I don't feel that urge to jump into a serious relationship and to be honest, I'm sure I will still compare everyone to my most recent ex, who is brilliant. It is so hard to think about trusting someone ever again.

 

The longer this NC goes on (I've stopped counting the actual days, but I think we are approaching 6 weeks next week), I do start to feel a little bit better I think. But I still sit and think about him and wonder what's he doing or what he's thinking. I think it's a very human thing to hope that they come back someday, even if our logical brains tell is it's not the best thing for us. Being rejected is just soul crushing and I guess this is how we deal.

 

In my experience, almost all of my exes have come back at some point. One of them about 20 years after he dumped me (via Facebook, of course). Not all of them wanted to get back together, sometimes they seemed to just be curious or just to want to say hi. I think that is really common. When you care about someone (and I know you think he doesn't care about you, but I really doubt he doesn't care at all), I think it's natural to wonder how they are from time to time. And you are probably right. Once the initial time period after your breakup is over, he may start to wonder more about you and what happened to you.

 

If I were you, I would not contact him. Not unless you feel completely over him. I'm just thinking of myself here, but if I were to reach out to my guy, I would be on pins and needles wondering when he was going to reply. Sometimes he takes a while to write back if he's at work and I would probably drive myself nuts wondering why he didn't answer me and if it means he hates me or something. So I know I'm not ready to contact him.

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Charlierose30

Hi Everyone,

Thought I would check in and see how everyone is doing?

 

Quick update from me - my ex has been acting very angry and cold towards me ever since I put up boundaries and asked that I have some space. He is not respecting my wishes, and he seems shocked that his power over me is not what it used to be... in the past if he was ever angry or upset I would bend myself into a pretzel trying to make him feel better. The small amount of contact we have had (him contacting me about the remainder of our furniture/belongings) has been really rude and short from his end. Makes it easier for me not to respond.

 

It's so sad that we have come to be this way with each other, however I need to keep reminding myself that this is out of my control. He chose to end the relationship and I need to do what is best for me, even if he tries to manipulate me into feeling bad for it. I can't help thinking about how much we once loved each other and my heart aches.

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