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Ugh, NC never gets any easier


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 11th March 2019, 6:20 AM   #316
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@EndNote It was never a relationship I thought would become permanent or sustainable. I think the reason I've been in it so long is because we were friends beforehand and I genuinely have feelings for him as a person. We definitely never promised each other a relationship or commitment. We just wanted to spend time together and be in each other's lives. I don't think I characterized him as emotionally unavailable to begin with. Once I realized that was the case it became hard to just walk away. It's definitely not like I'm waiting around for him to make a commitment to me because I'm not - we would never work together. I guess I'm just having a hard time because I can't just be friends with him right now due to my feelings and lack of boundaries when it comes to him. He is very inconsistent with his words and actions. The push/pull and back/forth from him is definitely unattractive, like you said. So that's why I'm walking away. It's just easier said than done because we work together and I do have to see him sometimes. Part of me has probably been attracted to his unavailability because then I didn't have to be fully available to him either. So I guess it was probably ok with me until I got to the point where I wanted to find someone to share my life with long term. Then I started to realize I didn't want this with him but, by then, I was already emotionally involved. It's just been a process. I think I'm on the right track now though - I haven't spoken to him and don't plan on it.



@nola
I hope the rest of your weekend went well. I definitely missed hearing from you!
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Old 16th March 2019, 10:50 AM   #317
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I decided I needed to take a break for a while after my last post. I'm not sure if being on this site contributed to my feelings or if it was something else, but I did feel mostly better for the week. I think sometimes keeping your mind focused on something informs your feelings. It's like where your mind goes, your feelings follow. My Dad always tells me that feelings aren't real, they're just feelings, but when you are upset and anxious, they feel incredibly real.

I was doing some traveling for work so I decided to just try to focus on other things for that time period. When I would start to think about him, I would actively redirect my thoughts. It's very hard to do for me, because thinking about him and turning that Rubik's cube over in my mind is a very comfortable place for me. Which is strange, because it's also a painful place. Why would I want to stay in a place that causes me pain? That is not very self-loving of me.

I've been chatting with some men on Hinge and it's going fine, although I still feel like my heart isn't in it. My brother told me that I needed to look at it like working out. You don't always feel like working out, but you just have to make yourself do it. I'm trying to approach it from a place of being open. Some of the men seem interesting and I'm pretty much chatting with whomever reaches out that doesn't seem like a serial killer. The thing I hate about apps in general is that you can get stuck in a back and forth chatting scenario, which I definitely don't want. I'm there to try to meet some men and go out on dates, not to text back and forth with someone forever.

@Endnote, I always appreciate your comments. Sometimes when we are struggling, we think we are the only ones feeling the way we are feeling. It's nice to see how other people struggle too. Makes me feel less alone.

I think, for women, the possibility of not being "chosen" is more present and feared than it is for men. Even though our society has advanced quite a bit and many, many people do not marry these days, there is still that expectation. There is a sense that if you don't marry, or at least have someone, there is something wrong with you. Especially as we get older. If you could listen to women at 29 or 39 talking to each other, you would hear it. They are terrified of winding up unmarried at 30 or 40. 40 is the real cliff. I've read it on these boards. And it's not just the women. There was a post on here a while back about a woman whose partner took up with a 21 year old right after they broke up. One man wrote in and said that she was over the hill and had nothing to offer a man. A woman's worth is still based heavily on her looks and body. So I think a lot of women have this fear just under the surface. Men have their own fears and societal expectations, but I think that is why a lot of women are terrified that if they don't settle into something, they'll be alone and then they'll be a "spinster" or "old maid".

@TooMuch2Ask, I did miss being on here and reading your posts. You have been such a comfort to me. It made me feel better to see that you too have looked at Facebook when you shouldn't have. I have decided to take a break from Facebook, full stop. Just being on there makes me feel so anxious. Until I get to the point that I don't care, I don't need to be there. I hope you are doing well. I understand the up and down so much. It is very frustrating, but as endnote pointed out, it's entirely reasonable that it takes a long time. We didn't meet these people and fall in love with them in one day, so it seems weird that we would get over them in one day.

I met with my therapist yesterday after a long hiatus. We talked about the loving yourself question. She advised me to try to think about situations in the past and to try to think about how I could have shown love to myself in that moment. Or to try to think of the new situations that arise in the same way. She was saying that in doing that, I will start to retrain myself to think differently. It is very tough, because sometimes I don't know how. When it involves another person, like if someone is saying something abusive towards you or something, it's not that hard to think about how to act in a loving manner. But what if the person that's being abusive is yourself? How do you counter that?

I went to a barbecue last night with a bunch of co-workers. I get along with pretty much all of them and it was nice to hang out with them. But I often feel awkward in those situations and as an introvert, am not naturally great at small talk. Most of them brought their significant others and/or their children and although it was really nice to see all the kids, it just drove home my alone-ness so much more. When I got home, I felt so depressed I tried to think of how I could be loving towards myself in that moment and I was coming up totally blank. So it's still a work in progress.

I got an email yesterday about our trip in about 6 weeks. My friend had told me that he is planning on going, but he wasn't on the email. My therapist and I have started talking a little bit about how I should approach the trip, but to be honest, I really don't want to over-analyze it to death. I would like to get to the point that I can go, be friendly with everyone, and treat him like someone that I am superficially friends with. Meaning, I won't ignore him, but I won't put any special attention on him either.

I'm off work today and worried that having some free time will allow me to ruminate and obsess. I'm going to some work so that I don't have that opportunity to pick up that Rubik's cube and turn it over.
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Old 18th March 2019, 1:07 PM   #318
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Hey Nola! So glad to see you posted again. I figured you were just taking a break but since we all only communicate on these boards it’s hard to know for sure!

I also travelled for work last week, ironic. I have really been working on moving on and giving myself a break when I fall short of being perfect with the process. He asked to meet me last week and I agreed. Even though we’ve had “conversations” before about what the issues between us have been he has only ever talked about being busy and overwhelmed as the excuse. He told me last week that the reason he is inconsistent and engages in the push/pull is because he is scared of getting too close given that there is no end game of us being together (for various reasons on both of our ends). He is scared that if we get really close and one of us ends it, it could be bad at work and would be difficult for both of us to get over. I already knew this was part of it but he went into more detail etc. He also talked about feeling depressed with everything going on in his life (work, family, kids). I know it’s hard for him to open up to people but I just can’t put him above me anymore. I realize all of this is just words and none of it changes that I need to be done and move on. I said a lot to him in return and it felt good. Even though it hurt when we weren’t talking for several weeks last month it also felt like I was more at peace in my life overall. I can’t be his support person anymore. I really don’t get anything out of this friendship. I’m not sure if I ever did - other than some attention when I was feeling vulnerable. He wants to continue talking to me and seeing me and seems to think he can make the changes in terms of being more consistent. I’m just in a different place now and I don’t feel the same about him as I did before. Obviously my feelings for him haven’t changed but maybe my feelings about what I will and won’t put up with have. Talk about a slow process..... if any of my friends were going through this I would tell them to tell him to go to hell and kick rocks. For me it hasn’t been that simple.

The promotion I talked about a few weeks ago was posted and I immediately applied. Hopefully a month from now I will be in that position. Even though we will be doing the same job, we will have different supervisors and we won’t have any cases in common so there will be that distance. Fingers crossed....


I’ve heard of hinge but never done it. I did bumble and liked it a lot. Have you met anyone yet? I’m glad you took your brother’s advice because I whole heartedly agree with him. Im laughing that you’re responding to everyone that doesn’t seem like a serial killer!!! Made me giggle. I think that’s a good plan bc it helps you get yourself out there and get your feet wet again. I think this is going to be great for you.

I gave up all social media for lent so I’m not on it either for another month. It feels great. I deactivated Facebook for about 3.5 years when I was going through my separation and divorce and didn’t get it back until last April. I could really just delete it forever and be fine. I don’t even know why I got it back again to be honest...

I’m sorry the bbq made you feel lonely and said after. I don’t have a lot of words of encouragement other than to say that even though people there had significant others and children many of them are probably sad and lonely about things in their lives too. I love my kids but I gave up a lot professionally to have them. There were so many things I wanted to do and be but couldn’t because I wanted a flexible schedule to spend more time with them. I’m not saying I regret having them but just offering another perspective.


I know you don’t want to obsess about your trip and him being there so I won’t ask about it. I know that when the time comes for you to see him you will do and say what feels right to you in the moment. You have come such a long way in your healing. I know it’s hard for you to see but from an outsider’s perspective - you have.

Last edited by TooMuch2Ask; 18th March 2019 at 1:13 PM..
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Old 18th March 2019, 9:44 PM   #319
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Thanks TooMuch2Ask. It's hard for me to see any progress, because it's been slow. I do feel better, mostly. I'm trying to fill my plate with new things so that I stay busy. I had signed up to volunteer with an organization that helps women get back on their feet and prepare for job interviews. Today I had my first "shift" and it was really great. Doing new things helps me feel like I am moving forward and making new connections. One of the things that is hardest for me is that I do still sometimes feel like I am waiting for something to happen. I had hoped that I would get more of an explanation or apology from my ex, but as time passes, I feel like this is less and less likely. In a way, I'm a bit jealous of you that your ex seems to want to continue to communicate with you and seems to want to keep the door open. I know that must be terribly confusing and difficult for you as you're trying to move on. But the opposite is really hard too. It feels like my ex made one feeble attempt and then gave up and decided to never talk to me again.

It's really weird. For so long I wanted to see him again and now that the reality of possibly seeing him again in about 5 weeks is looming, I don't want to see him. It's too late for me to back out but the thought of seeing him makes my stomach turn. I got a message today from another man that goes on our trip and it was so nice to talk to him. I was reminded of all the friends I have in that group that I'll get to spend time with. It will be very hard for me to not be very, very aware of what my ex is doing or not doing. And I know if he's sitting there texting it will make my stomach turn because I'll assume he's texting BB. When I broke up with my toxic ex, I had to see him at work all the time. For about 5 days, we were on hurricane activation at the hospital and had to spend hours and hours together. He was texting the new person he was seeing all the time and it was so hard for me to watch. I fear the same thing happening again. I'm really scared about how it will go, but I am definitely going to work on it with my therapist before then.

I have a date with a guy tomorrow night from hinge. And I'm setting up another one. Honestly, my heart is not really in it, but I committed to my brother that I would at least try to "get back out there". I am not the best at small talk, so that gives me some anxiety. But I made a date to meet this guy kind of early and plan to call it a night pretty early. If it sucks, at least it will make a good story. I will update after.

It sounds like you are doing really well too and I'm impressed at how quickly you're processing everything. I hope your transfer goes through quickly so you will not have to see him as often. I think that's a big step: to go from wanting to see the person to not wanting to see them. There's something about acceptance with that change. Like that you know that seeing them just prolongs the pain and not seeing them, although it's also hard, is better for your sanity.

Thanks also for the encouragement about the barbecue. I am proud of myself for going to these types of things, because I am naturally an introvert and I would much rather be at home making dinner. Or reading. So even just getting out and forcing myself to try to make small talk for a few hours feels like a victory.

Last edited by nolanola; 18th March 2019 at 9:46 PM..
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Old 19th March 2019, 8:55 PM   #320
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@nola


I know it doesn't feel like you've made progress but you really have. Maybe you should read a few of your posts from the first few days/weeks you started this thread to remind yourself how far you've come. Your progress being slow is not a bad thing at all. It's like weight loss, if you lose it too quick it just comes right back on... the healthiest way to lose is to do it slowly. I think the healthiest way to recover is to go through the emotions, all of them, not try to take shortcuts to quicken the process. Just my opinion

I know you think it's better for me because my ex keeps trying to talk to me and explain things. I view it as equally difficult. I keep having to re-open the wound every time he wants to explain why he has cast me aside yet again or why he is doing (or not doing) certain things. Even though it provides me with an explanation, it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. I still have the same feelings for him and yet I still have to move on and let him go. If he just didn't contact me again at least I wouldn't have to keep talking over things with him and "letting go" every other week. I guess what I'm saying is it's hard any way you look at it. Yes, my ex wants to keep the door open... because it's convenient for him. He certainly isn't looking out for my best interests. If he was he would let me go and allow me to move on because he knows the end game. So maybe my ex is even more selfish than yours. At least yours has let you go because he ultimately knew he couldn't give you want you wanted/needed. Maybe I'm giving your ex too much credit though?

I completely understand the vacillation between wanting to see him and not. In your situation, it must be nerve wracking to think about and deal with. I'm glad you can't get out of going on the trip because I definitely think you should go! It would bother me seeing him on his phone also. I can only hope he will have enough respect for you not to do that, or to at least keep it at a minimum. It's funny that you say that about him texting because I am hyper aware of my ex and his phone. He rarely gets on it around me even when we've been together all day. I'm not saying that means anything, just saying that I have paid attention to whether he is on his phone when we're together or not. I'm sure it will make you feel sad and disrespected if you have to be in that situation. All I can say about it is that he will likely be on the phone but it could be with his kids, etc. Also, I'll continue to say this, their relationship is not all unicorns and roses due to his commitment issues still being there.

The volunteer position you're doing sounds amazing. I love doing things like that and it really does help keep your mind off of things while you're there!

Let me know how the date went!! I'm excited and nervous for you. I know how hard it must be to put yourself out there when you aren't feeling up to dating at all but it is such a big step in the right direction for you. I'm looking forward to hearing all about it!!!

I definitely don't feel like I've processed anything quickly. Even though I know I have to let go and move on I really haven't done anything about it other than in my head and posting on here. It's not like I'm ignoring him. With the new position, I will see him just as much and maybe even a little more. The difference will be that I won't have to interact with him about cases. So I would just see him in passing (and I can get around that too)which will be better than having to talk about cases and email when I've done something with one of our cases in common etc. You're right though... I have changed from wanting to see him and run into him to wanting to avoid him and not run into him at all. I guess that is progress.

I was sitting in my car yesterday waiting for an appt and thought "what am I even getting out of this friendship". It was kind of sad to think about. I feel like I have been emotionally supportive to him in so many different ways and, yet, I don't think I ever lean on him for anything. I don't really confide things in him or ask anything of him (other than being consistent with communication in the past). I guess I've never really felt like there was any room for me to have needs beyond the communication because he has so much going on already. How sad is that? Anyway, it just made me feel sad thinking that maybe he's never really been my friend. Or maybe I was just trying to figure out why I've kept him in my life for so long when I'm clearly not getting anything out of it other than sadness and push/pull. So I will need to address this with myself, for sure!
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Old 20th March 2019, 8:08 AM   #321
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@nola
I know it doesn't feel like you've made progress but you really have. Maybe you should read a few of your posts from the first few days/weeks you started this thread to remind yourself how far you've come.
I agree with that. I don't visit LS very often and this thread is always the first one I open. I have the feeling that you've come a long way since November. My own break-up was on November 18 and even though I went NC right away, I couldn't stop thinking about him and why things went wrong constantly (I mean...literally...27/7). You wrote something similar back then and that got me hooked on this thread in the first place.

And now, as you wrote in one of your last posts, you're at a place where you can actively redirect your thoughts whenever you start to think about him. Of course it's not easy, but I bet it would have been impossible at the time you opened this thread.

About the upcoming trip: I personally think that it might actually be good for you to see him there. Worst case scenario would be that he behaves like a moron and is rubbing his new relationship in your face (doesn't seem likely by the way you described him). That would be hurtful, but might help to speed up the recovery process. BUT...even if he's on his best behaviour there: He's just human and it might not be a bad thing to see him as ‘just’ that.

I personally think that after break-ups we tend to either idealize or demonize or exes. At least that’s what I did with my ex. It was always one of those extremes. When I finally saw him again for the first time after our break-up (yup…that happened last week) I was so nervous. I honestly thought I might get a heart attack. But then he opened the door and it was … I don’t know… “just” him. It’s hard to explain without it sounding so superficial. I’m still attracted to him. We still ended up having sex (of course we did). But those deep feelings I had for him are gone. I remember holding him in my arms back in November and being so in love with him that it felt like my heart was too big for my body. And I could have summoned up those feelings for him anytime during the past four months… up until the moment I actually saw him again. That’s when they FINALLY dissolved. That must sound so stupid. English is not my first language and I struggle to express what I really want to say. Anyway, I hope you will have a similar experience with your ex.
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Old 20th March 2019, 3:34 PM   #322
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Thanks for your input and encouragement LauraXX and TooMuch2Ask. Yes, I definitely think I have made progress since November. This morning, when I woke up, he wasn't the first thing I thought of and I didn't even realize it until after about 20-30 minutes. That might not seem like a huge deal, but to me it is because I did nothing but think of him nonstop for months. He used to text or call me at night so for a long time there was a part of me that would hope he would send something late at night. Every morning when I would check my phone and there was nothing, I would get sad again. So I definitely think there is progress. It is slow, but I agree with TooMuch2Ask comparing it to losing weight. Being able to feel what I need to feel and to think what I need to think is helping me to hopefully put it behind me.

I went out on my first date in a long time last night. It was nice. He seems like an interesting guy, although I'm not sure we have a lot in common. He's 34 and I'm 42 and he seems to still be in a going-out type of lifestyle right now. Nothing wrong with that, I just don't know that we would mesh well long term. Worst case, even if I never see him again, he took me to a beautiful bar I hadn't been to before. He actually asked if I wanted to go see a movie tomorrow, but I have another date that night!! I panicked when he asked and said I had to work. On my way home, I was feeling kind of sad, because I didn't have the connection with him that I had with my ex, but I also felt hopeful, like things will get better. We will see what happens. We had kind of an awkward goodbye at the end. I hugged him goodbye and what came out of my mouth was "keep in touch". Whoops. Sometimes my brain is not well attached to my mouth....

I really hope that by the time my trip comes around I will be in a place of some indifference. Meaning I can be friendly towards him but keep a distance. I could certainly avoid him for the most part if it gets bad (he's texting a lot or talking about his new girlfriend). He usually is only around early in the morning at breakfast and then later in the evening. I completely understand LauraXX what you mean by "he's just human". I feel like I have a right to be angry at him or to still be upset with him, but I don't think we wanted to hurt me intentionally. I'm sure he did not like the fact that I was hurt. I don't feel like I want to let him off the hook yet though.

TooMuch2Ask, that made me sad to read what you said about your friendship with him. I think it's really hard to truly be friends with someone that you've been in a romantic relationship, even if you were friends first. The romantic part kind of takes over all of that and makes it hard to separate what a true friend really is. I doubt he realizes how much frustration and pain he's causing you. Sometimes when we're in our own sadness we can't see anything else. I also think men and women view friendships differently. Definitely there is nothing wrong with realizing that he is not a good support for you right now. Maybe some time down the line you guys can be friends again. In the real sense. Was a good friend to you before you got involved romantically? I have a lot of male friends, but for the most part, they aren't the ones I call when I need support from someone. Not that they couldn't be that person, but I think unless you are extremely close, are dating, or they want to be dating you they probably are going to have limited capacity in those situations. I'm probably overgeneralizing, but I find my female friends much better at listening when I need to talk things out and my male friends better when I need something specific.

I've also been thinking a lot about putting ourselves first. Not in a mean or rude way, but thinking about what a situation is bringing us. Certainly some things are inescapable, like our jobs, but in a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic, I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at it from the perspective of what it brings to our lives. For so long, I have focused on whether someone liked or loved me and trying to figure that out. Maybe it's time instead that I focus on whether I like or love them instead. And if I don't, then it's time to direct my attention to things and people that make my life happy.
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Old 20th March 2019, 5:56 PM   #323
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@LauraXX


I was wondering how you were doing with everything since it had been a while since you posted. How did you guys leave it after spending the night together? It's funny how that happens with time and distance - the indifference. I yearn for time and distance in my situation. I can create it and did it before so I just need to be committed to giving myself that space again so the indifference can set in. Are you actively dating other people now or are you seeing where it goes with him? Did he reach out to you again after the last time? I think I remember that he was going to set something up to see you and then went out of town or something and you didn't hear from him for a bit.
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Old 20th March 2019, 6:37 PM   #324
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@nola


Omg we are so similar. I think about him (more so the situation lately) when I first wake up most mornings. I literally thought this morning that it will be nice when it isn't my first thought of the day and last thought at night. I'm not necessarily thinking of him perse, just thinking of the situation and circumstances. Perseverating over it I guess you could say. Ugh. Good for you - going 30 minutes is pretty d@mn good if you ask me.

I'm so glad you went on the date last night and had a decent time! I'm 42 next week - can't believe how many similarities there are between us lol! I giggled when you said you told him to keep in touch. First dates are usually pretty awkward but it sounds like yours went fairly well, especially if he asked you back out. I know you're bummed about not having the same connection but there are other types of connections that are important. I've read a blog that I think is helpful. It's Evan Marc Katz. He's pretty straight forward about what women should be looking for and what they should and shouldn't put up with while in the dating process. Check him out - he tells it like it is. I'm looking forward to hearing how your other date goes tomorrow night also!!

In regards to your trip, you absolutely have a right to still be angry with him. What he did was hurtful and disrespectful. I don't think you should give him a free pass at all. I know it should probably mean something when someone doesn't hurt us "intentionally" but sometimes I think that's just a cop out. None of us get to walk around and hurt people just because we didn't "mean" to or because we didn't do it on purpose. I know others on these boards will say that acting like you've moved on or acting like you're fine now is the way to regain your power. That is partly true. I'm also of the school of thought that acting like you're fine or have moved on is almost giving him a free pass so he doesn't have to feel guilty or worry about anything he's done or not done to you or in the relationship. How you act or react to him will have to be something you think about and process. I get that. I'm definitely not saying you should go ape ***** on him or anything like that. I guess I just don't think he should leave with the impression that you're just fine or are ok being friends with him etc. If any of that makes sense...

It made me sad when I re-read what I posted yesterday too. I guess I was referring to the entire relationship - not just where we are at now. I was thinking back on everything and wondering how he's truly ever been my friend. You're right though... the dynamic between men and women in friendships is very different. I feel like I'm always concerned with how he's doing and what's going on with him but I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. It probably is to some extent. He has some idea about the pain and frustration he has caused because I have communicated it to him but he hasn't seen it with his eyes. I think the example that comes to mind is that he has had a physical ailment recently and has been in a lot of pain. I have asked many times how he is, how he's feeling, what the doctor said etc. I have had something going on with me physically as well and he didn't ask one time how it was or how I was feeling. I know that seems like a very small thing but it's just an example. At the same time if I called him and asked him for help with something he would do all that he could to help me. So I'm not really sure what I'm saying other than to say he has so much going on with himself that he just doesn't have much leftover energy for anything else. I also am struggling because I haven't pulled away as much as I've needed to. He's texted every day and I have replied. I've known in my head that I needed to have the conversation with him that I can't do this anymore but I just haven't yet. I guess I've been feeling like an ostrich, putting my head in the sand, and hoping that he would just stop contacting me and it would be done. I know that's stupid. I know. I just haven't had the mental energy to tell him it's over. Part of me probably also knows that once I have that conversation I have to follow through because then it really will be over. Sorry, just venting a lot right now.

I struggle so much with putting myself first. SO MUCH. I really need to get myself together because this situation is not bringing anything healthy into my life. Right now, it only feels hurtful. I'm struggling because I just don't know how to get out of it - what to say, what to do. It was almost better when he had decided it was too much. Now that he's back I just don't even know what to say or do to end it so I can move on even though that is what I want to do and know what needs to happen. I'm really having a difficult week. It also sucks because I know that he is really trying to be what he thinks I need/want him to be.


I know my post is all over the place. I'm so sorry!
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Old 21st March 2019, 4:35 AM   #325
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@LauraXX
I was wondering how you were doing with everything since it had been a while since you posted. How did you guys leave it after spending the night together?
Yeah, he reached out again after that 'incident'. At first I was so mad that I didn't reply for a while. But we eventually started talking again, he apologized (semi-good excuse), and last week I decided that it was time to get in the car and drive down to see him and sort things out.

We didn't really discuss the next steps though. I think we were both aware of the huge elephant in the room, but it was nice to just be together again after 4 months and in the end... we just didn't address it. He will be spending the next weekend (not the upcoming one, but the one after) at my place, so I guess we'll just keep seeing each other from time to time and see where this goes. A week ago I would have said that I'm only willing to do that if he changed his mind about the whole commitment issue. But right now I have the feeling that we're basically starting from scratch anyway and I have to figure out if I even want that with him after everything that has happened.

Yup, I'm actively dating. There's one guy I'm going out with about once a week and he reminds me of Nolanola's date. He's 33 (7 years younger than me), completely different lifestyle....not really a potential boyfriend. But it's nice to hang out with him and on some strange level I actually enjoy the fact that I'm not head over heels for him. That usually happens so fast for me and then the whole overthinking / overanalyzing machine kicks in. That hasn't happened yet and it makes communicating with him so easy and relaxed. I'm also still active on Tinder and there is the occasional first date.

So, at least on a superficial level, it's all going very well at the moment. But of course I'm still longing for a deeper connection with somebody (have been single for far too long) and the next heartbreak is probably just around the corner
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Old 21st March 2019, 8:51 AM   #326
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Have either of you ladies ever had success with online dating? I've done it a few times but have never had much success. The only people I've dated long term have been people I met in real life. I think because then you can tell if that "something" is there when you meet someone. With my date the other night, he was really nice and all, but I just didn't feel that same thing. And I kept thinking that he was not my ex. I hear a lot of people saying that things can change and grow, but that has never happened for me. So I wonder if maybe I'm looking at things wrong? Like I'm expecting that "something" but maybe that "something" is actually a sign that something is wrong? Like I'm attracted to the wrong thing?

@TooMuch2Ask, I have read some stuff on Evan Marc Katz before, but at the time I found him depressing. I think because, at the time, I was trying to justify that it was fine that my ex wasn't giving me the commitment I wanted. I think Katz is kind of the same school of thought as the whole "he's just not that into you", right? At the time, I preferred to stay in denial that my ex was emotionally unavailable or just not willing to commit to me. I know I've said this a million times, but the thing I fear the most is that it was all about me. That he is perfectly willing to commit to someone else, he just didn't want to with me. Then he met someone else and suddenly it was fine and he wanted to. It's so frustrating sometimes.

I haven't heard from the guy I went out with on Tuesday and honestly I'm not sure I care. Of course, I haven't gotten in touch with him either. I was thinking maybe I just wanted to make an effort to show that I was trying. Maybe it's all just false bravado or something. But I do think it helps a little bit. I thought of my ex this morning as soon as I woke up, so that not thinking of him in the morning thing didn't last. And I felt a bit of sadness when I thought of him. He feels so far away now and I guess he is.

I feel optimistic about my life, for the most part. Having a few dates helps. I joined a book club and will go to my second meeting on Monday. I'm excited to make some girlfriends and new connections. I really enjoy the volunteer opportunities - I'm going back next week. My friend called me yesterday and invited me to participate in another medical mission trip in September that I'm super excited about. My days are filling up nicely with things to focus on and look forward to. Work is stressful but going pretty well. So why am I so hung up on this guy that didn't treat me very well? Arg!!!!!

I love that you guys are about my age. So many times I read stuff on here about people in their 20s. I know the hurt is the same, but I feel like the possibility at that age is almost endless. Single people are everywhere! At our age they aren't so easy to find. It's like going to a flea market and searching for that rare valuable antique in the pile of used clothes. So I know you guys understand. But I also feel like I shouldn't have to just take any man that is interested in me.

I'm just rambling now, but that's where I'm at this morning. @LauraXX, I hope things work out with your guy. Maybe next weekend you guys will be able to address some of the underlying issues? It's much easier to talk in person. @TooMuch2Ask, don't be so hard on yourself. I think you did get something from this guy, even if it wasn't well balanced all the time. Theoretically, in a good relationship, it's like a see saw. Sometimes one person is up and can help the other one when they're down. Then it changes and the one being supportive needs support. I think you did the best you could and you tried to be direct with him about what you needed. I know a lot of men have trouble reading cues from women and need direction -- you tried to let him know that you needed support from him. He may just be in a place that he can't give it to you, for whatever reason. I don't think a lack of caring is the reason. Clearly he cares about you. But I understand why you would feel slighted by his lack of verbalized concern for what you are going through at the moment.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 9:24 AM   #327
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
Have either of you ladies ever had success with online dating? I've done it a few times but have never had much success. The only people I've dated long term have been people I met in real life. I think because then you can tell if that "something" is there when you meet someone.
I first tried online dating (Tinder) about two years after the relationship with my partner of 10years (father of my kid) ended. And I hated it! I really had the impression that it was just about finding a quick hook-up and I didn't go on a single date and just deleted the app again after a few weeks of trying.

But I found it so difficult to meet people in real life. I never had problems with that before I met my ex and had a kid. I was in my 20s then, went out every weekend, had no problem approaching guys (and was approached by guys quite frequently). And that just didn't happen anymore in my late 30s. So last year in April I reluctantly decided to install Tinder again. Started texting with a guy, met him a few weeks later...and taa daa .... ended up dating the guy for six months. That's the ex I've been talking about on this thread

And now I'm back on Tinder and quite enjoy it at the moment. There's the occasional creep of course. But I also met a bunch of really nice guys. And you're totally right: It's just impossible to tell beforehand if "something is there". But that's fine... as long as you don't have high expectations. Even when there's no chemistry it's still nice to meet new people, try out a new bar or restaurant and just have a good conversation with somebody. Only problem is that I find there's an age gap on Tinder. The guys I see there are either in their early 30s or late 40s (and I get the impression that most of them are actually older and lying about their age ). I have a first date tomorrow with somebody who is actually my age and I think he's the first Tinder date who's not much older or younger than me.

Oh, and I never tried any other Online Dating site or app.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 5:27 PM   #328
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So just as I was giving up hope, I had a nice date last night! I almost canceled because I just didn't feel up to going out, meeting a guy, and then making awkward small talk. But I went anyway and told myself that if it sucked I could tell him I had to go feed my cat.

It went well and I felt really comfortable with him! He reminds me a lot of my first love, as far as his look and some other things (he's a runner like my first love was). He seemed to have a good time too, I think. He walked me to my car and then I gave him a ride to his. He hugged me and said he had a really good time. When he got home he sent me a message through the app saying he had a good time. He had asked for my number before the date, but I didn't feel comfortable giving it to him until I actually met him in person, so I answered that I had a good time too and sent him my number. Right after, he texted me and asked me out again, asked when it would be a good time. I wrote him back and offered a couple of days next week but he hasn't answered that yet. (Not sure if I should stress about that...trying not to).

So I felt really good when I went to bed. Then I woke up in the middle of the night after a terrible dream about my Dad. For some reason, I could not go back to sleep and started thinking of my ex and his girlfriend. I was filled with so much anxiety. It took a while for me to quiet that down so I could go back to sleep, but it was super uncomfortable. I don't know why that would come up after such a nice time? I saw my therapist today and she wasn't sure. But she said it will take time for me to let go and move on and to not be so hard on myself.

So now I guess I will wait to see if he gets back in touch. I feel optimistic though, just about my current life.

My therapist said something today that she thinks I might be able to get some closure on my ex on our trip. That I will see that he no longer cares for me. I get the feeling that she thinks he thought of me as his side piece or something. I hate that thought and I really do feel like he cared about me and I even think he did at the end, at least in some way. He just cared about himself more and wasn't man enough to be honest with me. Sometimes she says things and it makes me doubt myself. But I don't want to let that diminish what has been a really good day.
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Old 24th March 2019, 8:29 AM   #329
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@Laura

I'm glad that you were able to at least hear from him again and that you are not in the same place emotionally you were before. That's definitely progress!! I've never tried tinder but have heard both good and bad things about it, as with every other dating site. I'm glad that you are still seeing other people - I think that helps.


@nola

I had the most success with bumble. I like it the best and met the most normal people on that one. I tried match and ok cupid also but didn't like either of those very well. Which one are you using?

In regards to the male blogger - I totally get why you wouldn't continue reading it when you were in the thick of it with your ex. His posts would definitely have had you questioning yourself. The blogs are super helpful though and they're worth the read since you're putting yourself back out into the dating world, at least for me. For the record, your ex has/had commitment issues that have nothing to do with you, in my opinion. I don't think there is anything you could have done differently to have a different outcome unfortunately.

I'm soooooooo glad you had a nice date earlier this week!!! That is excellent news! I'm laughing that your excuse to leave was going to be to go feed your cat. I literally laughed out loud. Hard. Hilarious. Do you have another date lined up? And I definitely don't think you should stress about it either way because you are just getting out there to meet new people and have fun right now. If you go into it with that mentality then you won't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm not saying that you don't want to meet someone or be in a relationship but I think your goal right now is just to get your feet wet. So enjoy these dates and enjoy the process (I think Laura said the same thing). I'm excited for you!!

It will definitely take time for you to let go and not be so hard on yourself. That is the same issue I'm having - being nice and kind to myself even when I don't feel or act as strong as I think I should by now. I agree with your therapist and think that one way or another, you will get closure on your trip. I just do. I'm looking forward to that for you.

My week was super busy - the busiest I've been in a really long time. I had to get my work computer fixed, hence why I haven't posted. I just can't post these long messages on my phone through this site. He has texted every day but the communication is very minimal, which works for me. I've had many other things to focus on and I don't feel anxious about anything. I think I saw him in passing early last week but nothing since then which I'm also good with. It didn't bother me at all when I saw him. I think maybe something has drastically changed for me - I just can't deal with the bull***** anymore and am really trying to take care of myself. We'll see how long it lasts. I'm looking forward to this week because I will be busy all day every day again which is always nice and keeps my thoughts off of the situation.

How was everyone's weekend??
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Old 24th March 2019, 3:41 PM   #330
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I've had a pretty good weekend, all in all. I worked yesterday morning and had plans that I would come home and go for a run in the afternoon, but then I fell asleep. Whoops. Times like that I can be hard on myself, because I am (still) comparing myself to my image of BB -- that she works out all the time, eats so healthy, and so on. Did I tell you that she doesn't drink? I'm not a huge drinker either, but my ex definitely enjoys having drinks. Anyway, I felt a little down last night, but not so terribly.

When I woke up this morning, I really felt so happy. The weather is absolutely beautiful today and I went for a run first thing. I felt so great when I came home and was able to clean the house, do laundry, and all that. I am having a dinner party tonight, so I've been cooking a preparing all day for that. I had the thought today that this is the happiest I have been in literally 5 months, since the day I found BB's Facebook page. So that's something.

Since I went out with the one guy, he has been texting me quite a bit. I don't really mind, but I do feel like it's a bit too soon for us to be talking every day. It's also a weird thing that when someone seems really into me, I start to lose interest. I still want to go out with him again, but the texting every day is definitely throwing ice water on how excited I was about him the other night. I sometimes wonder if I am more attracted to the guys that aren't as into me, or the ones that are unavailable. This reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie first meets Aiden and she keeps talking about how she's not getting "the stomach flip", as if it's a bad thing. Sigh. What do you guys think? Have you noticed this too or am I the only weirdo?

I started making a list of things that I'm anxious about to talk to my therapist about. She had suggested we try to think about how I can be most loving towards myself in those moments, so I can prepare as well as I can. I feel like I am in a good place and moving towards an even better one and I don't want that to get f***ed up by seeing him again.

@TooMuch2Ask it seems like you're in an ok place with his every day contact. Is there any effort on his part to try to see each other? I wonder if he is also afraid of letting go. I'm sure you have been a bright spot and a comfort for him, I'm sure the thought of breaking ties with you must be really hard. Curious where you see this daily contact going or transitioning to, if anything.
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