They never come back (in my case)

[Lisa_Lisa]

I'm trying to cope with the fact that my casual partner doesn't want to see me anymore. We started up in June 2017 and I really liked him, but I didn't want a relationship with him, just hanging out and having fun.

 

 

 

I hated the fact that he'd talk to me about other women and I tried to end it many times, but this latest one he agreed to and has been steadfast in his decision and I'm having a hard time coping with that reality.

 

 

I sent him a "good morning" Snapchat the weekend before Halloween and then a gif that same day in the evening. He didn't respond to either. I figured it wasn't much to respond to, didn't really need an answer, so I tried to put it out of my mind, but several days passed where I didn't receive a text.

 

 

In fact, I think it was almost two weeks and I can't remember if that much time had gone by where we had that gap in communication.

 

 

I got drunk this past Thursday and I ended up writing him a text saying I don't like to burn bridges and I know neither do you, let's be friends and cordial with each other, smiley face emoji.

 

 

 

I felt like an idiot because I want to go back to being lovers, not friends. So despite my better judgement, I sent him a voice note through Whatsapp basically saying to disregard that text I was extending an olive branch that he's not taking. I give him credit for staying strong in this decision and for putting the nail in the coffin so to speak. I said I won't reach out to him anymore, wish him the best, bye.

 

 

The next day, he sent him a text, "no worries, we are def friends! I'm glad we had our experiences and connected for sure, smiley face emoji."

 

 

Of course, I jumped on it and wrote, "I didn't want to end it. Still don't."

 

 

I haven't heard from him, of course, and I'm hurting right now. I know I'll pull through like I always do, but this one hurts because in my past, my fwb's or what not were very short lived. He has lasted more than a year mostly because of him reaching out consistently. It felt like we were dating in a weird way, but I knew and didn't want it to go anywhere. I just got into my stupid feelings.

 

 

Whenever a guy leaves me, he never comes back. It hurts to know that. It's like they're done and they don't look back. That's just the way my life goes and it makes me sad that this one won't be coming back.

 

 

I mean he is different from all the other guys I've known, but in this case I feel like he will be just like the rest. I won't ever hear from him again.

 

 

And last night, I had two beers and went through my phone. We follow each other on Instagram and I liked his latest photo. Ugh! I felt so foolish for doing that! It makes me look desperate, but it was my way of letting him know I don't want this to be over.

 

 

But if I don't go silent he'll never wonder about me and miss me. I'm not giving him the space to possibly return.

 

 

I don't know if he'll ever return, I guess I don't think so.

 

 

I'm hurting.

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you don't want a relationship with him, but your actions and words here indicate the exact opposite. I think this is likely part of the problem; you're not being honest with yourself.

 

So, you stick around in hopes that he will change his mind and want something more serious while you try to minimize your own wants and needs to give yourself permission to hang on. You need to stop doing so, girl. It appears you're hanging on to the wrong guy and you've known that for a while. This is why these types don't come back, because they weren't invested to begin with.

 

I would strongly suggest you delete him from your social media so that you're not tempted to reach out that way. You are also not going to want to see updates about his love life. I get the impression he might have met another girl he wants to date and knew he needed to stop seeing you. Do you really want to see pics of her one day?

 

EDIT: Is this the guy from your other two recent threads? If so, you already know you needed to stop seeing him a long time ago. He's been open with you that he's seeing other girls, and the sex is not as good as you made it out to be. You're not acting in your best interests if you insist on sticking around for a guy like this.

Edited November 15, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[brigit87]

I'm trying to cope with the fact that my casual partner doesn't want to see me anymore. We started up in June 2017 and I really liked him, but I didn't want a relationship with him, just hanging out and having fun.

 

 

But if I don't go silent he'll never wonder about me and miss me. I'm not giving him the space to possibly return.

 

 

I don't know if he'll ever return, I guess I don't think so.

 

 

I'm hurting.

 

 

That's the opposite of casual. That's completely emotional and normal.

 

First you need to realize what you want before you can get it.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Thanks, Expat and Brigit....yeah. Luckily (I know I'm reaching), he doesn't put up pictures of other girls on his social media. Why? Because he has so many other girls on it that he doesn't want to make them all jealous. I know his patterns.

 

 

 

But you're right. I knew he was bad for me. I just can't believe he let me go this time around. And I'm not seeing anyone or dating anyone so I'm left with my own thoughts. It's hard to keep distracted sometimes. He's my first thought in the morning and at night.

 

 

I guess I'm shocked that he can go on this long without reaching out. He is an emotional person and whenever I've left he didn't want it and know he's cool with it?

 

 

 

I'm not ready to go back out there and meet men.

[brigit87]

Thanks, Expat and Brigit....yeah. Luckily (I know I'm reaching), he doesn't put up pictures of other girls on his social media. Why? Because he has so many other girls on it that he doesn't want to make them all jealous. I know his patterns.

 

 

 

But you're right. I knew he was bad for me. I just can't believe he let me go this time around. And I'm not seeing anyone or dating anyone so I'm left with my own thoughts. It's hard to keep distracted sometimes. He's my first thought in the morning and at night.

 

 

I guess I'm shocked that he can go on this long without reaching out. He is an emotional person and whenever I've left he didn't want it and know he's cool with it?

 

 

 

I'm not ready to go back out there and meet men.

 

That's fine. When your ready they will be there.

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess I'm shocked that he can go on this long without reaching out. He is an emotional person and whenever I've left he didn't want it and know he's cool with it?

 

That's what makes me suspect he's met someone he is more seriously interested in. It's easier for people to abandon from these FWB arrangements when someone else is occupying their mind.

 

Regardless, don't feel you need to meet new guys yet. It's okay to not be ready for that. But when you do, please do be honest with yourself about what you want. It seems that here you were trying to play it off like you were okay with casual, when clearly that wasn't the case.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Thanks so much for helping me through this.

 

 

I know I'm making excuses, but I know for a fact he went to grad school in England and met a girl whom he had a relationship with. Apparently their relationship is ongoing as she comes to the States and he went to England last summer, and most recently he told me he was going to marry her. He wants British citizenship. I'm not sure if it's because he truly loves her or because he wants citizenship. I didn't quite believe him when he said he'd never felt like this before. I figure if you feel a certain way for someone why sleep with other women?

 

 

She was here on an internship from March to September and he and I were sleeping together the whole time so how loyal he is really? Plus he told me that he told her about he and I, why do that?

 

 

 

So this girl that he's seeing now, I know it's not going to last because he dates to have sex, but not for any long term commitment. If he's going to make one it will be with the English girl. He expressed his fear about settling down and such saying he's scared and he's not ready and she's just putting up with his philandering right now, but I'm not sure how monogamous he will be once he's married. I highly doubt he will be.

 

 

In summary, yes he's found someone else and he's probably keen on her right now, but as with the other two girls he was dating as well as me and who expressed wanting some form of commitment from him they will fall by the wayside as I did (though I probably am lying to myself about wanting something, which I still feel like I don't. I just wanted to continue having sex and him not speak of other ladies to me, but if he told his English girl about me it just means he can't keep his mouth shut about who he's ****ing to anyone).

 

 

So I've been dumped because he just wasn't feeling me anymore and I have to get used to that fact. Our personalities clashed and after more than a year of sex, well everything comes to an end eventually.

 

 

I know each day gets better. I'm trying to implement NC for a whole month, but let's be real, I just wanna see if he does reach out. But I hope that by the end of the year, I'll be over him just like I get over every other guy who I crushed hard on. I mean I get over it quickly. I don't need therapy or anything, I don't feel like "the one that got away" nothing like that. My problem is that I reach out, could be a month later, a year later, or ten years later and I don't want to do that anymore. If they don't want anything to do with me, I shouldn't want anything more to do with them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know I'm making excuses, but I know for a fact he went to grad school in England and met a girl whom he had a relationship with. Apparently their relationship is ongoing as she comes to the States and he went to England last summer, and most recently he told me he was going to marry her. He wants British citizenship. I'm not sure if it's because he truly loves her or because he wants citizenship. I didn't quite believe him when he said he'd never felt like this before. I figure if you feel a certain way for someone why sleep with other women?

Why on earth did you continue seeing him, knowing this? Were you hoping he'd change his mind about her and want something more with you?

 

 

She was here on an internship from March to September and he and I were sleeping together the whole time so how loyal he is really? Plus he told me that he told her about he and I, why do that?

I doubt he's being honest about that. Meaning, I wouldn't be so quick to assume she knows anything about you.

 

He expressed his fear about settling down and such saying he's scared and he's not ready and she's just putting up with his philandering right now, but I'm not sure how monogamous he will be once he's married. I highly doubt he will be.

Maybe not, but it won't be your problem.

 

 

(though I probably am lying to myself about wanting something, which I still feel like I don't. I just wanted to continue having sex and him not speak of other ladies to me, but if he told his English girl about me it just means he can't keep his mouth shut about who he's ****ing to anyone).

Bingo. This thread wouldn't exist if you were truly fine with casual sex with him.

 

I'm trying to implement NC for a whole month, but let's be real, I just wanna see if he does reach out.

Implement No Contact for good. This isn't going anywhere with him and you're only going to waste your time hoping he reaches out. He might, but then what? You'll have sex with him and he'll disappear again. When someone treats you like an option the way he does, you need to have the self-respect to take yourself out of his roster of women. You're just one of several he has on the go. To him, it's fun but not really a big deal if you two stop sleeping together. Why do that to yourself and then wonder when these clowns don't come back?

[basil67]

Bittersweet, FWB clearly isn't working for you, so how about you stop having these casual relationships. Actually, stop dating altogether till you're ready for an actual boyfriend...then don't accept less than a man who wants only you.

[Lisa_Lisa]

He reached out to me and said he misses me and wants to continue seeing me. It's made me happy, of course, but I'm not as emotionally invested as I was before. I could take him or leave him now so it's all good.

 

 

Had a date last night, but I wasn't feeling the guy so I'll just keep to myself and continue with my quest for self-improvement.

[nolanola]

I don't usually like to be cynical, but in this case, this smells like he has gotten tired of whatever he was doing when he stopped talking to you and is looking for someone to keep him occupied. That sounds harsh, but I seriously doubt that he is looking for anything serious with you. He sounds very emotionally avoidant and unavailable and will likely ditch you again if you take back up with him. 2 months is not enough time for him to have had a total personality shift.

 

If I were you, I'd ignore him unless he comes back and very explicitly pursues you with the intention of making amends and starting a relationship. "Wants to continue seeing me" sounds like "wants a booty call" to me.

 

It's a nice ego boost for you -- I'd take that and let that be that.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I'm no longer looking for a serious relationship with him. Whether he calls me or not, I just want to enjoy the sex (when we set up an evening for it). I'm not going to stop my life and put my joy in the possibility of something with him. He's not a good person for a long term relationship.

 

 

I did get a nice ego boost out of it.

 

 

 

I'm going to continue dating and see who is a better fit for me although I'm not sure I'm looking for a long term relationship at this point in my life.

 

 

I downloaded the Hinge app and I'm surprised a lot of the men there are asking for dates and not "fwb" like I'm used to getting from Tinder and OkCupid. But I'm not putting too much stock in it either.