Messy messy breakup :(

[monkeynuts]

Hey all, I’m online as I have no where else to turn. I’ve pestered my family and friends and have gotten into such despair I’m now on anti depressants.

 

I’m a 32 year old male, my ex gf ended our two year relationship at the end of August. We were in the process of buying our first house together ( clearly it fell through once we ended,) rub salt into the wound 4 days later she went viewing houses with her father and is now buying one all by herself.

 

Since our breakup it’s been one of the most hardest parts of my life I’ve had to endure. I never wanted to lose her or things to end. Maybe I was blind/naive to signs things weren’t right for a while. She seemed to lose interest in hanging out with me as much, started to have issues with what I did or said.

Tried talking to her that we don’t spend much time together considering we were buying a house together.

 

Since the breakup I’ve taken it hard. I didn’t go no contact and we continued to text and talk etc her family went against me and said I wasn’t good for her.

She suffers from aniexty and it doesn’t help when all she has is negative things to say about me.

During the last two months it’s been like a yo-yo. She would tell me to leave her alone. Then the next night message/email me saying she ‘missed me’ ‘loved me’ ‘wanted to fix things’

This has been happening since the break. She reaches out then when I suggest meeting her ‘aniexty’ gets the better of her and she ignores me. Being the soppy git iam I pour my heart out to her and get nothing back.

 

We have met in person a few times. Each time it’s been fine, no arguing etc and stupidly I slept with her. Big mistake I know.

 

Anyhow come the other weekend she questioned me in person if I had been speaking or seeing anyone since our break up. I haven’t and told her so. Asked her the same and got told no she’s been too busy with work and the gym.

The next night a friend sent me screen shots of her being on bumble, loads of pics and on her profile it clearly saying ‘looking to meet someone and see where it goes’

 

This was soul destroying for me. Everyone has been saying she’s been treating me like a door mat. Just stringing me along until she finds someone new. That I should of ignored her from day one.

I called her out on it, she said she’d hardly been on it and hadn’t met anyone. I was very upset and said some nasty things ‘like she’s a lying sl*t’ I was hurting like mad at this point.

 

Me being me and the soft piece of iam end up ringing her the next day etc and messaging. Surprise I get ignored.

 

This kind of went on all week. She barely replied and only did with a few word messages.

 

Last messages I got from her last Saturday she said ‘she wanted to fight for me but was terrified’

‘All she wanted was to be happy, have a family etc’

 

I have to say she has been worried things will go back to how they used to be.

 

To sum it up beginning of the year we went throug a very stressful time with jobs etc, she was away almost all week evrryweek. I grew distant from her and she got very insecure. I stopped wanting to do stuff with her and hanging out. We had a space of around a month in May as we kept arguing and I wanted us to have some head space.

 

I lost a family

Member around this time and don’t know if I reached out to my ex as I had just lost someone close to me ?

We got back together to try work things out but from day one she was distant, not the same.

( yes everyone else said why get a house but we thought we had sorted our problems out )

 

Anyhow fast forward to last weekend. After getting those messages. By this point I’ve been dragged through hell. I’ve been blocked on Facebook,WhatsApp for weeks now. So I emailed her a long email. Stating how I was being treated was vile. I hadn’t done anything wrong apart from wanting to fix our relationship. That I had reflected and realised things I did wrong.

Though the way I was treated was out of order. I had poured my heart out to her on many occasions ( I never begged though or pleaded)

 

Yes people will say why didn’t I walk away? When you have an ex you’re total Inlove with still message you and ring you since the breakup saying they love you etc no one would ignore it.

 

Anyhow last Monday I was in a bad state. It’s taken it’s toll on my emotions. I lost my job a few weeks ago and for the first time ever I felt suicidal. Like I had no where else to turn. I contacted my doctor as I had never felt like this before. All I can describe is being in a black hole of despair and there being no ladder. Wanting all these feelings and thoughts to stop.

I was put on antidepressants. Referred to a councillor.

 

Anyhow I reached out when I was at my lowest on Monday to her. Got told we aren’t getting back together. To much has happened. She’s been fine/happy since our split. And that talking to me was getting her anxiety to come back up. Was told to leave her alone and she will speak to me later.

 

This was Monday morning. Been in no contact since. I haven’t tried to reach out to her. I’m trying to fix my mind and my heart.

It’s hard. If it was a simple breakup from day one I could of handled it. Being pulled and pushed for two months. Being ignored then messaged has just reached boiling point in my head. Picture being in limbo of limbo. Not knowing what to say or do. Every action has a negative reaction.

 

Yes family and friends say it’s good to not talk to her. Get told it’s out of order how she’s treated me and it’s toxic.

 

I know I’ve been treated badly.

Whilst we were talking and trying to sort things out since the break up I’ve had the following,

Booked a hotel for a night away and she bailed the last minute.

Booked a week away together yet she cancelled on that too

Told me leave her alone. I did and then reached out to me.

I changed my phone number. Ended up getting loads of emails and I stupidly gave her my new number

 

When I say she reached out to me I don’t mean one text. After being told to leave her alone the next night I’d have 17 texts, few missed calls and a couple of emails.

And this happened over two months. Seems the whole while her family weren’t aware we were talking etc

 

I guess I’m on here for support? I know that sounds dumb. But I’m on day 6 of no contact. I’m struggling massively. Especially on weekends.

It feels like it’s finally done and dusted with her. I know I have to accept it’s over but I’m not dealingselll with it. Whether it’s the constant pushing and pulling from her I don’t know.

All the usual thoughts going through my head

 

‘Is she thinking of me’ ‘does she miss me’ though I know this situation is very different to others.

 

I can tell myself she seemed undecided/confused for a long time. Having her family say we aren’t right together plays on her mind a lot. She holds everything against me and doesn’t seem mature to take responbility.

 

Now I know NC is a time for me to heal. I’m not doing it to play games. Course I’d love for her to turn up and tell me she loves me. But for so long ‘actions speak louder than words’ and all I’ve gotten from her is words.

 

Does any one have any advice? Not on how to get her back. But what I can do. I’m trying to keep busy. The tablets basically make me have insomnia so I’m struggling to sleep. I keep playing all our happy memeories over and over. The NC is helping.

Being out of work does not though I’ve been going for interviews etc. Started a gym class up, have yoga soon and also going to be doing some voluntary work.

 

My self esteem is none existent. I have zero confidence. All because I’m told I’m missed and wanted. Then ignored. And I allowed this to happen....for months. I didn’t stop it as I just wanted to be with her.

 

 

Sorry to go on. If anyone reAd this to the end I take my hat off to you. I sound like a crazy person that needs locking up

[Nukem]

I do not get everything cause I am not native.

I am sure there are some people here whose advises will be eye-opener for you.

 

From my experience I can advise you to start exercising, running, swimming, cycling. One guy here recommended the book The power of now, read it, but slowly, reread the passages when needed. Stop thinking about the past, it is now. Or think about the bad moments you had with her, the moments when she humiliated you. That kind of memories helped me, just to think what a bad person she is.

I am in the beginning of the book, but it is enlightening.

 

The most important thing for me was to get enough sleep. Otherwise I had suicidal thoughts. I was feeling exhausted, not only mentally but physically also. SLEEP! SLEEP! And be positive.

[d0nnivain]

NC is a healing tool. Every time you spoke to your EX, emailed her, looked at her social media you were picking a scab, making your heart bleed all over again. Time away from her will help you heal, even if you don't feel that way right this minute.

 

She was a big part of your life but that is over now. She was never your whole life & you will do well to remember that.

 

It's time for you to start healing.

 

Mourning is OK. You have to let all the emotions out so go ahead & cry, rage or whatever you have to do. But that has limits. . . a week or two at most.

 

Purging her from your life. Get rid of the mementos. Throw them out or box them up. Delete the photos or at least save then to a flash drive & put the drive in the box too. Rearrange your living space. Go to new places & have new experiences that you didn't do with her.

 

Move. Now is the time to take up exercise. Endorphins help elevate mood.

 

It will take time but you will be OK. Hang in there.

[TurntSloth1]

You know, parts of your story don't sound too dissimilar to mine. Not the whole thing, but the part after the initial split where you were being strung along. The flakiness, 'anxiety', secret Bumble profile and constant messaging despite supposedly wanting to call it quits sound all too familiar.

 

I had a similar thing for a good 6 months being strung along. 'Anxiety' was brought up more than once. We'd stop talking and decide to call it quits then she'd reach out again and I was caught in a horrible cycle. I even blocked her on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp at one point... so she messaged me on LinkedIn then got a new number and Whatsapped me again.

 

I should've blocked her again and never looked back, but I didn't. Finally after one argument too many (she didn't like being called out on her BS) she blocked me on everything and we haven't really spoken since - that was over three months ago.

 

I still think about her a lot but my god I'm doing so much better now and in time you will feel better too. I honestly don't know if I would've had the strength to walk away from what was clearly a toxic situation if she hadn't been the one to hit the block button, so in a way it was that best thing that could've happened.

 

Stay NC and avoid looking for new info on what she's been up to, you'll only hurt yourself.

Delete her number (doesn't matter if you know it by heart, just remove it from your devices)

Get rid of all of your old photos of her - if you really can't bare to delete them (I couldn't) then put everything onto a memory stick and leave it in a drawer somewhere.

Give any of her possessions you may have back.

 

Then once you can draw a line under this, it's time to really start moving on. I'm sure it's all stuff you've heard before, but great going on starting a gym class and yoga, keep it up! Take up a new hobby. Spend time with your friends doing fun things you enjoy. If you have the funds, book a trip and explore somewhere new.

Look after yourself, create new memories and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It won't necessarily be easy, but in time you'll be in a much better place.

 

Sorry if this sounded a bit me-focused, I'm just going on my experience here but your story really struck a chord!

 

Wishing you the best

[monkeynuts]

Turntsloth1- were you ever tempted to reach out on the last 3 months?

 

I have up and down days currently. It’s weird to think that I will never hear off her again. The on/off contact went on for two months. But this time it’s 8 days and nothing.

 

I know for my healing it’s the best thing. I guess it just effects my own self esteem/confidence that she has totally turned her back on me. To be blamed for her anxiety and that too much has happened hurts when I was still willing to fight.

But that’s what I keep trying to tell myself. If she truly loved me she would never of treated me like a rag doll. She knew what it was doing to me yet all along said she never meant to hurt me through it all. Yet surely you know if you message someone stuff like ‘I love you’ how do we fix things’ etc it gives them false hope?

And the. Ignore them and say she couldn’t meet due to anxiety!

 

I wish I did no contact from the beginning as it’s set me back massively from moving on.

 

Like I said I will never understand what truly went on. I just wish I could fast forward from this. Deep down I know I will never hear from her again. It hurts. And that’s how I know I haven’t moved on. I’m hoping the day will come I won’t think about her. That I rebuild myself and attract someone new.

 

I think I’m my own worst enemy. I put pressure on myself to achieve things and when I don’t I’m very hard on myself

[TurntSloth1]

Oh of course, loads of times! But at the same time there was no way I was going to do it as I knew the response (or lack of) would've made me feel much worse.

After a month and a half of NC she actually reached out to me but I ignored and kept moving on.

 

You will have up and down days - I definitely still do, and from what I gather on here it could be months before the feelings really fade, but you've gotta just keep pushing through.

 

She would've said anything to keep you on that string whether she realised what she was doing or not, it's best not to dwell on it otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. Like you said, if she truly loved you she wouldn't have treated you that way.

 

Stay strong friend, one day at a time!

[namelessguy]

Hi Monkeynuts.

 

Seems to me like she got cold feet, couldn't accept it could just be you and her together till the end, couldn't work out her own anxiety so thus decided to blame you.

 

Women are good at projecting blame and creating narratives in their heads to justify actions rightly or wrongly.

 

How old is your ex if you don't mind me asking? and what reason did she give for ending your 2 yr relationship?

 

Oh and regarding what she tells you, ignore it. As in, actions speak louder than words. Her going on bumble is a strong action, regardless of what bs she tells you.

 

You ask for peoples advice, well my advice to you mate is to come off the meds, book a holiday and go with a close mate or go and visit a close friend. Clear you mind, and also realise that memories are not reality, you are keeping the what once was alive by playing 'happy memories' in your mind. Yes you cant help it, but realise that those memories are no longer her, not in the here and now.

 

Stay with NC and really try and focus on yourself, you are free of the mind games and being rejected. Build up your self asteem again, and confidence.

 

I know some really good youtube videos that can help you. Search Dating guy

 

 

I am going through similar, in terms of learning to not desire her anymore and accepting she isnt coming back and she isnt who i thought she was/could be.

 

stay strong

Edited November 6, 2018 by namelessguy

[Bromeo]

Op,

 

First, I am sorry you are going through this, and promise at the end you will be stronger for it.

 

I am two years into Nc with my ex, and your stories read just like mine. The dumping, then reaching out, then going cold, sleeping together, meeting up, disappearing - they all read from the same insecure playbook. I was so confused and hurting at the time that I thought I’d never feel better.

 

I saw some eerie similarities between our tales. Please read mine at your leisure.

 

You must grab your cojones, realize that a new chapter has started, and go NC forever. It took about 5 months of games and a ton of pain for me to understand this. 5 months after I went nc for good she was liking pictures on my Facebook page, trying to play games once more. Blocking occurred then.

 

In your case, she can call it anxiety or whatever she likes. She is playing games with you, causing you pain, knows it, and doesn’t care. Stop chasing. It is now about you, and not what you two once had. Fear of loss is keeping you stuck and hurting.

 

The previous comment about picking scabs is 100% accurate. Become a ghost.

 

Due to the situation, it took several years to fully move on, and even today I still dream occasionally about her.

 

Point is there is hope. These last two years my life has been amazing, and yours will too if you allow it to be.

 

Be safe. If I can get to this place, you can as well.

[Charlierose30]

Hi monkeynuts,

How are you coping now that a bit more time has passed? I’m going through something similar and looking for the courage to start NC. I know it’s for the best but it’s hard to accept that’s what I have to do. Hope you’re in a better place.

[Twizzlestick]

I’m a 38 year old bloke who doesn’t cry much (except recently!). But I had tears reading this. I’m on the verge of this. I’ve sent a text I can’t go back on. Being strung along and stringing myself along for 6 months on a girl whose doesn’t feel the same.

 

I’m staring into oblivion. I’m terrified of the full loss. 11 years my best pal, my sidekick gone. I haven’t even fully accepted it. My brains in denial. Any memories come, it just stops and swerves, it’s doing it thousands of times an hour. Sooner or later it won’t be able to keep up and they’ll come though and am worried it will ruin me. I handle emotional pain very badly.

 

Sorry that was all about me. But I identify with what you’re going through. You’re stronger than you think listening to your story. You’re still doing things and writing on here. No reason to think you won’t improve at all. Factually it has to happen. That’s what I tell myself.