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Awkward situations with ex wife


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 17th December 2018, 6:09 PM   #16
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Tell her to f off
I will have to do that more tactfully
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Never give up
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Old 17th December 2018, 11:29 PM   #17
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I will have to do that more tactfully
Why? She doesn't respect you or give a damn about your feelings.
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Old 18th December 2018, 3:23 PM   #18
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Why? She doesn't respect you or give a damn about your feelings.
I think she keeps in secret her connection with that man because she knows I'm still not indifferent. I also told our daughter that I do not want to visit their home anymore because her mother has a connection, but daughter believes she hasn't. Anyhow, I will decline her askings gradually, bit by bit. It is better not to confront There is some balance at the moment, I'll try to keep it.
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Old 18th December 2018, 8:52 PM   #19
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Did you decide what to do about where your daughter stays when your ex is out of town? If you're not staying at her apartment anymore, I would give an excuse about why you can't take care of the cat. For example, you could make something up about your work or something like that.
I agree that when it comes to your daughter, you should do what would be best for her. But otherwise, there is NO shame in putting your own health and feelings first. Even if it means appearing "weak". I would actually argue that by going along with things as they are (taking care of cat, helping with repairs, etc), you are appearing weaker than you would if you tell her the truth about how you feel. If you can stand up for yourself I think you will feel better about the situation. Your ex is really being quite unfair here. If she wants to have a relationship with this new guy, she cannot expect you to still act like her husband.
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Old 19th December 2018, 5:55 PM   #20
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Yep.
I am going to rearrange my flat and she will come here, though it is comfortable for everyone me to go at their place. I still hesitate.
I don't feel I am weak. I feel strong. Do not want second chance or spending time with her. We were first to each other and there are some nice memories, nothing more.

There is something confusing. Today Facebook suggested me her OM as a friend. I haven't visited her and his FB profiles since a month or so. It might be because he is a friend to my daughter. I hope FB have not suggested me to him also.
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Old 31st December 2018, 7:38 PM   #21
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Happy new year to everyone at Loveshack .

Here is my asking.
The parents of my exw usually invite me for Christmas and NYE.
This time I was going to decline the invitation, but my daughter insisted and I had to go at their mansion. There was my ex and she was exceptionally pretty and smiling. A feeling of regret again took my mind. What a fool was I to lose such a woman. In the same time I know that I don't possess the qualities to retain her even now, when I am wiser and self-controlled.

Still the problem exists. I have to see her frequently at such gatherings. They invites me at birthdays and name days also. Apparently she hasn't presented the OM to her parents and they will continue to invite me for the sake of the daughter.
I respect them but obviously I still suffer the loss. Those meetings when she is in her best shape and appearance are not easy. Moreover, at about 23.30 the OM called /I am not sure if it was him/ and she went out of the room to answer the call.

How to manage the next invitation? I don't want to see her. At least not so frequently and at her best.
Do you think that I just regret the loss and my stupidity or I still have feelings to her?
I do not want to look for a girlfriend as someone proposed. I do not need relationship at that moment.
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Old 1st January 2019, 3:27 PM   #22
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Nukem....I have read your thread and I believe I understand your position as I went through something very similar. I think you are dealing with one of two situations:

1. You don't or can't let go of the past and therefore struggle declining continued contact with your Ex by continuing the support of the Ex and accepting the invites from the Ex's family. You are passing this off as someone else's request that you can't decline.

2. You're not ready to move on and see life for the here and now, not realizing that the minute you do this, you will be seen as a stronger and more confident man. Even if you have to fake it til you make it. You'll build new confidences and respect when you become more independent.

If you carefully explain to both your daughter the level of discomfort you have being around you're Ex, not because you are angry but still suffering the loss, I believe your daughter will understand. If it were me, I would ask her if we could make plans outside of any "family gathering" so as to not have to see the Ex and witness the phone calls etc. Tell your daughter that her mother is entitled to a new connection but you're just not ready to witness or be exposed to it. She should understand.

The separation will help you recover but it sounds as if it is time to begin that now and move on with your life. Develop new memories with your daughter independent of the Ex.... I really feel for you and hope you're able to do this.
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Old 1st January 2019, 5:00 PM   #23
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Thumbs up

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Originally Posted by kgcolonel View Post
If you carefully explain to both your daughter the level of discomfort you have being around you're Ex, not because you are angry but still suffering the loss, I believe your daughter will understand. If it were me, I would ask her if we could make plans outside of any "family gathering" so as to not have to see the Ex and witness the phone calls etc. Tell your daughter that her mother is entitled to a new connection but you're just not ready to witness or be exposed to it. She should understand.

The separation will help you recover but it sounds as if it is time to begin that now and move on with your life. Develop new memories with your daughter independent of the Ex.... I really feel for you and hope you're able to do this.
Thanks kgcolonel.
I respect her parents, they helped me a lot with my job, business contacts and other things. I am schoolmate and friend with their son. He introduced me to his sister 20 ago He is also happy to see me at those gatherings. You see, it is a little bit complicated.

Currently ex maintains the illusion that she is single. Just before NY she called me to ask whether I will go to her parent's house at NYEve, and she told me about a guy who tried to romance her but she lied to him that she has a boyfriend in order to let her alone .
Daughter also believes so. She told me that her mom doesn't have a boyfriend, and since mom and I are in good relations it is normal to visit their home. However, I minimized my interaction with her mom, and we already spend the evenings in my flat.
I will be gradually building the distance, no matter if there is an OM or not.

Actually, I am very focused on me and daughter. We both work out a lot - at the gym and track and field. We are in best shape now .
We spend several days a year at the seaside, we swim, watch movies etc.

I just need to fix my kitchen, replace some old furniture and will be able to accommodate her almost as comfortable as in her mom's home.

PS: I am reading Power of Now, as one of LS members advised .

Last edited by Nukem; 1st January 2019 at 5:03 PM..
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Old 10th February 2019, 5:09 PM   #24
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Hi, all!

Today my ex again asked me to move in her house during her 1 week holiday.
I explained her that I know about her boyfriend and I would like our daughter to spend that time at my place. She did not deny the boyfriend part but insisted that she doesn't use her flat and that the cat belongs to our daughter. She also emphasized that we have been divorced for 7 years. I expected her to use those arguments so I asked her to respect my wish and we agreed that daughter should take care of the cat during her mother's trip.
I am afraid my voice was trembling.
I am very disappointed with my performance. But I am glad I did it at last.
Apparently I have not overcome anything .

I think I did the right thing.
I cannot define what is the reason for my weakness after all that time? Do I still love her or is it just jealousy? Is it the insult that she has been lying to me and our daughter about her connection with the same OM who ruined us? Cannot understand why she keeps him secret from daughter in case she has serious intention about the guy, after all she has been meeting him for more than a year? Cannot understand how could she believe that it is absolutely normal her ex to take care for her home and cat while she is on a love trip?
Any opinions?

Last edited by Nukem; 10th February 2019 at 6:48 PM..
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:02 AM   #25
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Hello

One of the hardest things I ever had to learn was the ability to say "No" to people who have requests that they tender as entitlements. I finally have gotten much better at saving "No" to people when their requests are inappropriate, inconsiderate, inconvenient, or simply not an option for me to honor.

Your ex continues to impose on you because you have been willing to say yes for many years. Yes, it is long past time for her to arrange her own details for her flat, her cat, and everything else in her life. Yes, it is a good thing for you to do everything you can to take care of your daughter. But that doesn't mean staying at the flat or her mother or any other request.

Have you had any romantic involvement since you split from your ex? You are questioning if you are behaving this way because you are still in love with her....if you haven't found someone else in the past seven years then yes, you might still be making these decisions because you think you're still in love with the ex.

I put up with a lot of crap from my ex while we were married and even for a half-year or so after we separated. I paid for her furniture and even moved her furniture to storage while she was waiting for her new apartment to be ready. Eventually, her requests for help became tiresome and I "woke up and smelled the coffee". I still recall how good it felt that first time I said "No" when she called and wanted me to do something else for her. Man oh man was she pissed off and started berating me for "leaving her hanging". Somehow I kept my cool which made her even more angry LOL.

Bottom line: the first time you negotiate one of these NO events is the hardest. Afterwards, you will feel a sense of relief and renewed confidence in yourself . After that, it will be easier and easier to say no when she imposes on you. And BTW, once you get it established that you're not at her beckon call, you will eventually be able to say Yes to the occasional request for something if and only if it suits you and you feel like doing something nice for her.

Best wishes as you firm up your resolve to take charge of the situation with the ex.
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Old 11th February 2019, 1:00 AM   #26
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Hey dude,

I also helped her with a major repair of her apartment after the divorce.
I accepted the guilt about the OM and I felt that I have to redeem my wrongs. I wanted to be thankful to her family about their support. That is why I always answer yes, it never interfere my personal life because I am single, available at any time.

Now I think I have to tell her that since she has a solid man next to her it is time for me to stay at distance.
Though, after our phone call that evening I doubt she will try to ask me for small favors again. I think she did those requests just to clear my suspicions about the OM.
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Old 11th February 2019, 4:56 PM   #27
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Hugs to you Nukem. Standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries is so hard. I'm not any good at it either. You loved (or maybe still love) this woman and she broke your heart. She has the power in this situation because you still have feelings for her and she is in this relationship with this other guy. So it makes her feel like she's having it all. That's not the best way of putting it, but I think you know what I mean.

I am so excited for you for standing up for yourself. DO NOT feel bad about how you did it or how it went or how your voice sounded. The most important thing is that you DID it!!! That is great. If you can continue to do this and to be consistent, I think you will start to respect yourself more and more. She will probably start to respect you more too, although she is going to hate it in the beginning, because she's not getting her way. Keep focusing on your daughter and improving yourself.

How did you like The Power of Now? I haven't read it, but everyone seems to rave about it. I feel somewhat stuck in my situation so I'm always looking for things to "unstick" me
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Old 13th February 2019, 3:57 AM   #28
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Thank you, Nola. Your words make me feel good.
I paused reading Power of now because I had to prepare for some exams.
I will post my opinion when finish it.
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Old 13th February 2019, 4:17 AM   #29
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Your daughter is 15 years old. Hence, you don't need much contact with the X. Limit it to emails or texts, daughter only. Ignore anything else.

The biggest problem is you have way too much contact with your so you are keeping yourself in this. You'll never properly detach doing that.

Better wake up and quit wasting your life on this.

Move on like your X already has.

You are the only one keeping yourself bound
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Old 13th February 2019, 4:37 PM   #30
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Your daughter is 15 years old. Hence, you don't need much contact with the X. Limit it to emails or texts, daughter only. Ignore anything else.

The biggest problem is you have way too much contact with your so you are keeping yourself in this. You'll never properly detach doing that.

Better wake up and quit wasting your life on this.

Move on like your X already has.

You are the only one keeping yourself bound
Thank you, Mark.
I know your'e right.
Ex calls me frequently to complain of our daughter behavior. The girl is not bad but her mum exaggerates.
I am already detaching but occasional phone calls are inevitable.

Thank you for your support. All of you are very considerate and nice
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