LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Awkward situations with ex wife


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree12Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 31st October 2018, 4:47 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
Awkward situations with ex wife

Hi all.

We got divorced more then 6 year ago. The reason was OM who she loved very much. They were breaking up and reconciling several times in the begging of their connection.
I thought that she haven't had love relationship since that time because she traveled around Europe and went to Summer holidays with female girlfriends and sometimes with our daughter.

In 2018 she went to 3-4 holidays but there are not any friends with her in the pictures at Facebook. I also saw my ex and the OM in a restaurant in our neighborhood.

The awkward part is that whenever she travels abroad she asks me to move in her house and look after our daughter and their cat. I agree because I don't have own flat while they live in a vast and luxurious apartment.
Also when she is getting late in the weekends I and daughter should wait her in their flat before I can leave. I do this to save logistics and efforts of packing and unpacking to my daughter.

I now find this inappropriate in case she is continuing meeting and having sex with the OM. Living in her flat while she is with the OM is not the right thing to do .

The bad part is that I still cannot bear the view of her with OM. I guess it is sort of jealousy and envy. I also feel very nostalgic about my memories with her. I wish I could jump back in time and repair our mistakes even if I know that we are incompatible couple.

I think I have three options:
1. asking her if she is still with him and if so I should take daughter in my small flat during her trips and weekends;
2. just to begin taking daughter in my home without asking ex anything. In that case I should explain them both why I do that.
3. not doing anything, and staying calm for the sake and comfort of the child.

Could you give an opinion?
__________________
Never give up

Last edited by Nukem; 31st October 2018 at 5:30 PM..
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2018, 5:59 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
You & your child's other parent have to cooperate when it comes to your daughter's best interest. I get that you don't want to deal with the OM & that you feel odd being in the EX's flat even for your daughter while the EX is out traveling but if you don't have your own flat or a safe space for a young girl to stay, where will you spend time caring for your daughter? The 1st Q has to be what's best for your daughter? Would bringing your own sheets help?
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 1:38 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
The 1st Q has to be what's best for your daughter? Would bringing your own sheets help?
My flat is not big, but there is enough space.

Last edited by Nukem; 1st November 2018 at 5:06 AM..
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 10:23 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 1,134
After 5 years I would get a GF.
Simple Logic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 10:36 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
Quote:
Originally Posted by Simple Logic View Post
After 5 years I would get a GF.
Actually I had 2 GF meanwhile. Never stopped thinkg about ex wife. I know it is weird. The connections and the chemistry were not strong, weren't as passionate as with the ex.

Last edited by Nukem; 1st November 2018 at 11:16 AM..
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 12:14 PM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nukem View Post
My flat is not big, but there is enough space.
if in the short term your daughter could stay with you while mom's traveling, just do that. Daughter can have an "adventure."
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 2:43 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
thanks d0nni

I like the word adventure.
But I need to decide one more thing.
How to discuss it with her mother?
I am afraid if I try face to face talk I could show weakness.
On other hand if I write a letter she will call me for explanation about changing the rules.
And I will have to admit that I know about her relationship.
Is that reason enough? I guess she will argue that they do not use her home and thus do not bother us. She will blame me that I do this just to annoy her and break their comfort. I know her well and expecting something like that.
What do you think am I right to ask for this change?

Last edited by Nukem; 1st November 2018 at 2:54 PM..
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 5:38 PM   #8
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
Don't say anything. Next time your EX asks you to stay, enthusiastically say how much you are looking forward to spending time with you daughter but announced that you're changing things up & daughter will be staying with you while mom's away. Mom can either pick her up at your place when she gets back into town or you will bring daughter home the next day. Don't act like it's a negotiation. Present it as a foregone conclusion. Don't talk about the why's. Just say this is the new plan.

Mom may chose to stay & not travel. Mom may chose to get another person to watch daughter in the flat.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 5:54 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
I was thinking about almost the same conclusion.

There will be questions not only by ex, daughter will ask also.
She is 15 year old and she knows about the OM. I guess they both hide this from me.
I will have to improvise
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2018, 5:56 PM   #10
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
Tell daughter you thought it was time for a change. If she pushes tell her being somewhere the OM is unpleasant for you but that you would do almost anything to spend time with her.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2018, 2:21 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
D0nni
last time after she returned from a trip she asked me to do a fix in her home and sometimes she calls me to help her with small things. Do you think I should continue helping her?
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2018, 7:30 AM   #12
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
Helping her is entirely up to you.

What I told one of my EXs who was going through a divorce with a son: Be polite to your EX & generous to your child. If the fix benefits your daughter or at least allows mom to have more money to spend on the daughter rather than household repairs AND you have the time / skills, especially if it gets you more time with the daughter, what is the benefit to being withholding?
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2018, 1:25 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
Your advises are useful and wise.
Thank you!
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th December 2018, 3:40 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 261
Hi all,
I'm again facing difficulties. My ex and our 15 years old daughter are travelling abroad for 3-4 days. The ex asked me to look after their cat during the trip. It is not for the first time. But previously she wasn't meeting the OM. Now I am not absolutely sure she has a love relationship with him but there were some indications which I mentioned above. Today she insisted that I have to visit her home and take care about the cat. I agreed. Actually I live 5 min walk away form their home, we are in the same neighborhood.

My hesitation is whether to tell her that I know about her meeting the OM and it is embarrassing to put me in that situation, and to ask her to look for different solution.
Something more, several days ago she asked me to bring them some groceries because they were tired. Yesterday she called me in the morning to bring her eggs.
She also initiates some small chats on the phone, which I try keeping short.

Any suggestions?

Last edited by Nukem; 16th December 2018 at 3:47 PM..
Nukem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th December 2018, 3:48 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,270
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nukem View Post
Hi all,
I'm again facing difficulties. My ex and our 15 years old daughter are travelling abroad for 3-4 days. The ex asked me to look after their cat during the trip. It is not for the first time. But previously she wasn't meeting the OM. Now I am not absolutely sure she has a love relationship with him but there were some indications which I mentioned above. Today she insisted that I have to visit her home and take care about the cat. I agreed. Actually I live 5 min walk away form their home, we are in the same neighborhood.

My hesitation is whether to tell her that I know about her meeting the OM and it is embarrassing to put me in that situation, and to ask her to look for different solution.
Something more, several days ago she asked me to bring them some groceries because they were tired. Yesterday she called me in the morning to bring her eggs.
She also initiates some small chats on the phone, which I try keeping short.

Any suggestion?
Yeah, stop being her errand boy. Tell her to f off, and have her boyfriend do those things. If it doesn't directly affect your daughter and her well being tell her it's not your responsibility.

Then as suggested earlier, find yourself a new woman, this one is using you.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Terrified of awkward situations DazedAndConfused15 Dating 1 10th January 2014 6:12 PM
Being attracted in awkward/unusual situations atomicdog In Search Of... 1 13th July 2013 3:47 PM
How to escape awkward situations? ForgetMeNots Dating 7 4th May 2012 10:41 AM
Those awkward situations... Tayla Business and Professional Relationships 1 19th August 2010 10:44 PM
I have issues...acting calm in awkward situations. kjcrimson3 Dating 12 23rd February 2006 11:47 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:59 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.