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Not coping with the thought of him being with someone else...


KissingFire

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Hey guys...

 

So I'm dealing with the breakup side of things as well as I can, but before I blocked him on social media, he was seen at a house I didn't know for over 48 hours and he posted a photo of a dog I didn't know. As we broke up, he told me that he had never cheated on me and his conscience was clear, but that there was someone he was thinking about. I asked him if that was said to get to me, or if it was real, and he said it was a bit of both.

 

My gut tells me this is the girl he stayed with all weekend. I can't even be sure. The room is pretty neutral/unisex and he can't be away from his weed for 24 hours, so he could have just been at a friend's place. I've even considered calling his friend and asking, but I know that's going into crazy territory which is definitely not how I want to be seen.

 

My point is, why am I obsessing over this? I have blocked his snapchat as I'm not stupid and know this obsessive behaviour and checking where he is all the time isn't healthy, but I can't stop crying over the thought of him being intimate and sharing that much time with someone else. It hasn't even been a week since we split! The last thing he said to me was that he loved me and I told him he didn't because he wouldn't be doing this if he did. Then I walked away. He didn't follow me, he just drove off.

 

Since then, I've been distraught. I have been in this situation before and know the drill, no contact, delete photos, block on social media, etc, but the thought of him with another woman is sickening to me. It is making me physically ill. I have lost 5lbs since we split as food is not interesting to me and I'm exercising like crazy to keep my mind off him.

 

My question is, how do you get past this? My dreams have been taunting me, and I keep dreaming of him and this mystery woman together. I don't even know what she looks like or how old she is. He always had a type for petite brunettes, whereas I'm a curvy redhead, so I was always out of the box for him.

 

If it means anything, I'm 25 and he's 22. He has had more sexual partners than me by about 10. I was always very easy-going with him and let him go on weekends away with his friends as I trusted him completely. Loyalty was one of his few good traits.

 

It is killing me. I have done everything I should do (except from not deleting him from Snap sooner...) but I'm still at a loss. The fact that he might have slept with someone not even a week after dumping me is ripping apart what little self esteem I had left. We always told each other that we had the best sex we'd ever had was with one another.

 

So why wasn't I enough? :(

Edited by KissingFire
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What was your relationship like, and why did you break up?

 

I ask because you questioned if he said he was thinking about another girl to "get at" you, and he concurred that might be part of it, so I gather there was some unhealthy aspects to your relationship. The urge to call his friend and verify his whereabouts over the weekend also strongly suggests there is more to this than just a bout of insecurity. Has this sort of thing happened before?

 

You have now seen why it's so important to delete or block an ex after a breakup. You don't want a front-row seat to their lives, particularly if you suspect there is a third party involved. With more time and space away from him, and zero contact, you will start to slowly feel better.

 

But I am curious why you think you weren't enough for him. Would you say you often felt a need to prove your value to him?

 

EDIT: I just read your previous thread https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/668033-how-move-abusive-ex

 

Now I see why you are reacting this way. This poor excuse for a "man" had been abusing you for years and you are still in that painful emotional cycle, which is not unusual for domestic violence victims. Do you have a good support system? Family or friends who know the truth and can help you get through this? A compassionate counselor that can help you untangle the complicated feelings from the end of an abusive relationship? I do wish you the best, OP, because this little punk is trash and you will do better than him.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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I do have a good support system, but no one really knows the extent of our relationship. I have one friend who knows he hit me, but his partner has just lost his father very suddenly, so I feel it's not a good time for me to be moaning to him over something so petulant in comparison. He never understood why I stayed so long anyway, and like everyone else, if I bring it up, tells me I deserve better, etc.

 

My ex was getting help for his anger issues, and while I know he's not good for me, or anyone for that matter, people could scream this at me till they're blue in the face, it doesn't change the way I feel.

 

It doesn't stop the pangs of intense loss or jealousy when I think of him with someone else. My family cannot and will not let me grieve him, as they always said he was no good and they don't understand why I could possibly miss someone who made me cry as much as he did.

 

I honestly did believe things were slowly getting better, but then my blind optimism is more of a curse than a blessing. I did believe in us. Never in my years of love and dating had I been with someone who single-handed made me their entire universe and made me feel like a queen one day and a wreck the next.

 

I was getting help, but stopped it before travelling alone, which was better for me than any sort of therapy. Do you think I should go back? I've read up on Stockholm syndrome, etc. I am not naive, even though I probably sound it. I just want these feelings of longing and lust to leave me be. I'm trying to re-train my brain to think of the horrible times whenever I find myself thinking of the good, although that in itself is pretty tragic, because it opens up a whole can of worms that I'm afraid of dealing with. How could I sleep with someone who spat at me? How could I desperately love someone who threatened me? How could I hold someone that is so, so angry with me that he has to hurt himself to convey his emotions? I have been in an abusive relationship before but it was nothing like this. Even then I swore I'd never let anyone do that to me again, and here I am, three years down the line and lower than I could ever think possible. I'm intelligent, have a fulfilling career and a degree and I am well travelled, so why? Why do I feel this severe sense of loss when everyone around me told me that I would feel relief when he would finally be removed from my life?

Edited by KissingFire
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Well, I can't give you any assurances about how you're going to feel, but I can tell you how things worked out for me years ago (I was actually about your age when this went down). My ex-wife and I had some serious issues, and to say she was severely narcissistic would be accurate. She started cheating on me while we were married and dating the other guy immediately. There was about a two month period of back and forth where she would tell me things about how I mistreated her in the marriage but not giving her enough attention, then I'd go NC (not knowing this was a thing at the time) for a week and she'd come crawling back as though she changed, and of course I'd break and take her back.

 

 

 

All the while she had moved out and was stringing me along for these couple of months, while sleeping with me and the other guy! Yikes! We met up shortly after the two month mark and I gave her an ultimatum (admittedly gave her plenty of those before) saying that she had to move back in with me and go to counseling. She said she couldn't do it.

 

 

I can't quantify how painful those two months were, but once I put my foot down and decided I was done, I started the arduous process of moving on and getting divorced. She stayed with that guy. That was 8 years ago. More **** happened later on that had nothing to do with me in her life but that's not what matters for this story.

 

 

Ultimately I was crushed from the pain from being cheated on and her decision to stay with the guy was for a time was unbearable. Every weekend I made sure to see family and friends. I went to therapy. That didn't change how I felt but I look back on that year while I waited for my divorce to finalize with a lot of happiness, even though at the time I didn't feel that way at all. The friendships I had and the choices I made to make my life great again are unforgettable.

 

 

 

The only thing that truly helped me was time. I hate that that's the case, because I'm going through my current breakup wondering what I was 8 years ago..."when does this end?" It comes around, but it's not gonna be your choice when your feelings change. The only choice you can make are related to your actions and to some degree how you think about the situation. Cutting this person out of your life, knowing that you're better than they'll ever be, and eventually, that you'll be better off. You may not feel it now but it'll come. May take months. May take years.

 

 

Obsessing over this stuff is normal. The feeling of loss is normal, even considering you cut him out of your life (I know you wanted to feel empowered, but that will come with time, not immediately). But if he's already with someone else then that's a reflection of his stupid decisions, not a reflection of you! Remember that. It's hard to grasp, but it can be comforting when those hours of ruminating become exhausting and you need just a moment of some kind of relief. Go back to therapy, it helps over time. That's what I got.

 

 

Remember nothing worth having in life comes easy!

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I was getting help, but stopped it before travelling alone, which was better for me than any sort of therapy. Do you think I should go back? I've read up on Stockholm syndrome, etc. I am not naive, even though I probably sound it. I just want these feelings of longing and lust to leave me be. I'm trying to re-train my brain to think of the horrible times whenever I find myself thinking of the good, although that in itself is pretty tragic, because it opens up a whole can of worms that I'm afraid of dealing with. How could I sleep with someone who spat at me? How could I desperately love someone who threatened me? How could I hold someone that is so, so angry with me that he has to hurt himself to convey his emotions? I have been in an abusive relationship before but it was nothing like this. Even then I swore I'd never let anyone do that to me again, and here I am, three years down the line and lower than I could ever think possible. I'm intelligent, have a fulfilling career and a degree and I am well travelled, so why? Why do I feel this severe sense of loss when everyone around me told me that I would feel relief when he would finally be removed from my life?

 

Yes, you most definitely should go back. There is a pattern of abuse in your life, and you deserve to get at the bottom of it so you can break free of the cycle. Otherwise, you are likely to find yourself with your third abuser in the future.

 

I dated a guy for a while who turned out be quite abusive. Verbally and emotionally, he did and said some vile things. It turned physical once, which was when I ended it for good. I had never encountered anyone like him, never been with anyone remotely abusive, and i spent a good year after being on my own and trying to understand how that could have happened. I looked at the way I felt about myself, and why didn't feel strong enough to leave earlier. It's complicated, and people who have not been through it themselves can be quite judgmental and impatient about supporting someone who is coming out of abusive situation. I happen to live abroad, so my closest friends and family also never knew the extent of it. I had to go it alone, but I did. It was the one the best things I have ever done for myself.

 

I cut the man off cold turkey, 100%. It worked. It's been a few years now, and I have moved on to a lovely, stable man. You can too, but you have to do the heavy emotional work first in learning about you and how to strengthen your own self-worth. You have attached it all to this abusive ex, so you have almost nothing left now that he's gone. He's taken your value with him, so to speak. But you can get it back. It won't be easy, but it's entirely possible. Please, do return to counseling. Print out and take this thread with you so the counselor knows how you're truly feeling and what's been going on. Traveling alone was great, and I have done so myself, but it is not enough or you wouldn't have gone right back to him. You are going to need more structured guidance and coping mechanisms than travel alone can offer. I wish you success on your journey to healing and breaking the cycle of abuse.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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I will book an appointment to get referred to counselling this week. I was once told that my alcoholic mother set me up for a lifetime of abuse, because all I wanted was her love and approval and she gave it to me in tiny slithers. She's a bit better now, age has helped me to understand her demons, but I still long for her approval. She is more concerned with my weight, and when I couldn't eat for two weeks and lost 26lbs, she was more proud of me for that than when I graduated, sad right?

 

My longing to reach out and speak to him is killing me. I wish I hadn't sent that message on Saturday night, being rejected and ignored like that hurt. I know deep down he didn't reply because he was with another woman, and that feels like a punch to the gut.

 

I guess I just feel low because all of my ex-partners have always left me for someone else. Boyfriend number 1 got some teenager pregnant two weeks after the split. Boyfriend number 2 was engaged within a month after we split and boyfriend number 3... Well, he moved on not even a week after the breakup. It makes me feel worthless.

 

I am an incredibly strong, independent woman, so I just can't understand why I'm letting someone as low as him make me feel like this. Some guy I knew from work offered to take me out today and I wasn't sure, and explicitly told him it wasn't a date. I don't even want to go but my family thinks it'll be a good distraction. I don't want to hurt him by giving him false hope.

 

I guess we'll find out how it goes later.

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What you are feeling is somewhat normal when a couple breaks up and one of them has started seeing someone else. It has happened to me more than once in my life and I felt extreme depression, lost weight, lost sleep and my self esteem took a hit. Friends I know have experienced the same feelings when put in the same position so it's a normal process. You have to grieve it out but put a time limit on it. Say, I'll cry my heart out for 2 weeks, talk it over with friends, pray and then after 2 weeks accept what has happened (it's over and we're not getting back together), then start rebuilding your life without him. I'm a lot older than you and we didn't have social media (thank God) back then so I'm sure that made it easier for us to keep our thoughts off our exes. I can't stress enough how you need to force yourself to back away from social media. You don't need to know anything about what is going on in his life or you'll end up stuck where you are now.

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I went on a date today. I didn't want it to be a date, but the guy was lovely and charming. For the most part, I really enjoyed his company.

 

Then I come home and the realisation that it's over with my ex hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a full blown panic attack and cried and cried, even though the guy was the sweetest gentleman. My friend told me to calm down and I was reacting like this because it's different and different is scary, but can also be good. I feel bad that every now and then, thoughts of my ex came into my mind while with him.

 

I'm shaking as I type this. I know my ex is with another girl right now and it is crushing me. I'm dry heaving and sobbing because how can he be staying the night at someones?! I flinched when the date kissed my cheek and even then he asked for my permission. The thought of being physical with him is not something on my agenda right now and he knows that. So how? How could my ex look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me and then go and sleep with someone else not even a week later?

 

I want to call him. I want to call him and explode with anger and jealousy and spit poison at him but I can't, and I won't. I'll go to bed and try to calm down. I have to remember that he's toxic and that this is a good thing, but the jealousy is gnawing at me and I don't know how to deal with it.

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Keep coming and writing here, OP. Write here when you feel these horrible jealous pangs. It will ultimately help you more than exploding on him.

 

It seems you have a pattern with some pretty questionable characters. This isn't your fault but it is worth looking at what attracts you to these types. Is it an attempt to "fix" them? Do you too easily get attached when a man gives you attention, overlooking red flags? Do you not feel strong enough to be on your own until a good guy comes along? Do you not feel good enough about yourself to throw duds back on the Reject Pile? These are questions to explore with a therapist, of course, but worth reflecting on until you can attend an appointment.

 

In the meantime, I would not be going on dates. It's just not the right time and it's not really fair to the guys who take you out. You need to really let yourself heal, so that you aren't dating as a coping mechanism rather than getting at the root of your pain and recovering from it.

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Keep coming and writing here, OP. Write here when you feel these horrible jealous pangs. It will ultimately help you more than exploding on him.

 

It seems you have a pattern with some pretty questionable characters. This isn't your fault but it is worth looking at what attracts you to these types. Is it an attempt to "fix" them? Do you too easily get attached when a man gives you attention, overlooking red flags? Do you not feel strong enough to be on your own until a good guy comes along? Do you not feel good enough about yourself to throw duds back on the Reject Pile? These are questions to explore with a therapist, of course, but worth reflecting on until you can attend an appointment.

 

In the meantime, I would not be going on dates. It's just not the right time and it's not really fair to the guys who take you out. You need to really let yourself heal, so that you aren't dating as a coping mechanism rather than getting at the root of your pain and recovering from it.

 

Thank you, I will keep coming here and writing whenever I feel like I'm losing control.

 

I agree, it's too early for dating, but the guy was so nice and sweet. No one understands that it's too soon for me, my family are encouraging me to go for it with this nice gentleman. I don't want to hurt him. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. It's soul destroying.

 

I have fantasies of rocking up at his place with a bag of everything he ever bought me and talking things through. It's the not knowing that's crushing me. I'd ask him how he could look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me and then sleep with someone 4 days later. It's not right and yes, I'm extremely bitter and jealous and definitely acknowledge these feelings and how wrong they are. He left me, what he does is none of my business anymore. I had never taken him for a liar though, and he lied to my face. Telling me he was heartbroken and that he wouldn't be right for months. Seems he's pretty damn alright to me.

 

And breathe... As for the other post, no nothing like this has ever happened before and I've never contacted his friends outside of social events. I've removed all of his friends and most of his family (aside from his grandfather that has cancer... That still doesn't feel right yet, but I will.) He let me look through his phone whenever I wanted (not that I did) and I trusted him completely.

 

I feel like immaturity is playing a lot here. I was gone for three weeks living my dream, and for half of it he had to force himself to be happy and proud of me. Then some girl looks his way at work and suddenly it's something new. I wasn't giving him attention (time zones were crazy) so he got it somewhere else.

 

Sigh... Keep remembering the bad times is what I'm telling myself. Like when I ordered the wrong churros for him once and he went crazy, scrunching them up and demanding I order more even though they were £5 each... And the time I woke him up as he'd agreed to take me to a meeting and he launched his phone at my hand in anger so hard that it bruised.

 

This is not a relationship I want back. (At least that's what I tell myself!) He will never be the man I want him to be. He couldn't even enjoy himself at Christmas, a holiday I love and celebrate every year with my family who went out of their way to make him feel welcome even though they didn't like him much at the time.

 

I tell myself this every morning, but the longing doesn't go away.

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You will need much more time to start to feel better. Healing is a long process, particularly when the relationship was abusive. It's normal after any non-mutual breakup to feel the longing, and imagine scenarios in which you take your power back and make the other person "see" what they have lost.

 

But it so rarely works out that way. In your case, that will be a good thing. The universe keeps trying to show you that this man is not the one you're going to be with forever. He doesn't love you in the way that you loved him, which is why it was easy for him to claim he loved you and then turn around and go off to someone else within days. Your definition of love is completely different from his.

 

It seems you need to assert yourself more now. It shouldn't matter if your friends and family want you to go on dates with a nice guy; you know you aren't ready, and that's all that matters. I'm sure they have good intentions and just desperately want to get you away from your ex, but trying to persuade you to go on dates already isn't the way to go. Say no. Mean it.

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I just can't get over the fact that he's spending every single day with her. He never did that with me. Maybe it was my fault, I was always busy and limited our time together as I liked to spend time with friends and family and it was important that I worked, but I am green and sick with envy and jealousy. :sick:

 

There has not been a day where I'm not crying over him. Even today, I went out for lunch and really enjoyed myself, then I get home, work out, and feel even more miserable knowing he's with her AGAIN. Ignorance really is bliss. I am sick and tired of feeling so upset and hurt.

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How do you know he's spending every single day with her, and is with her again today?

 

I can see his location through Snapchat. I block him and un-block him every day because I truly believe I am sick in the head. I get such sick satisfaction when he watches my stories and sees that I'm fine and living my life, when in reality it is all a big fat lie. I am not happy, and I can see him at this location every day/night for the last 5 days.

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You need to delete him altogether.

 

Part of what your therapist will help you with is the overwhelming need for validation from your abuser. It's not even so much about him as a person, as it is about attention from him to make you feel good about yourself. It's very difficult to unlearn this habit, but once you start to recover and find other ways to make yourself feel good, you won't need it from him anymore.

 

The satisfaction you get when he monitors your online activity is fleeting, as you can see. It does nothing for you in the long run.

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You need to delete him altogether.

 

Part of what your therapist will help you with is the overwhelming need for validation from your abuser. It's not even so much about him as a person, as it is about attention from him to make you feel good about yourself. It's very difficult to unlearn this habit, but once you start to recover and find other ways to make yourself feel good, you won't need it from him anymore.

 

The satisfaction you get when he monitors your online activity is fleeting, as you can see. It does nothing for you in the long run.

 

I have set myself the deadline of Sunday to do this so I can just rip the bandaid off and move on. I am still so hurt and do everything to not think about it anymore, but being ignored when I contacted him hurt like hell. Who is this woman? What does she look like? I'll never know.

 

It's the lying I can't move on from. It cuts to the bone. My parents told me they were relieved that he left me and that I can meet someone worthy of me now, which is nice, but doesn't help my dire grief at the moment.

 

I have people telling me I'm pretty/beautiful/sexy all the time. I know that sounds big headed, but I am a good looking woman, especially since I've lost over 26lbs recently, but it means nothing. He was the only one I ever believed when he told me how sexy and gorgeous I was. Even with no makeup on and my hair a mess he never kept his hands off me.

 

I don't know. It's so... Permanent? Our break up was left so open... He never said he wouldn't see me again or that we'll never talk again. I kinda' wish I'd have been brave enough to say it. Maybe then I would have stuck to it.

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Why wait until Sunday? Are you hoping he will come crawling back before then?

 

I was lied to by someone I had trusted more than anything, so I get where you are coming from. It is not fun to be betrayed like that and it takes a while to overcome. In my case, it was ex I'd been with for years, lived with, never suspected of any sort of deception. Boy, was I wrong! But I used that as fuel to push me to move on. There was no way I could have gone back to someone capable of those lies.

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Why wait until Sunday? Are you hoping he will come crawling back before then?

 

I was lied to by someone I had trusted more than anything, so I get where you are coming from. It is not fun to be betrayed like that and it takes a while to overcome. In my case, it was ex I'd been with for years, lived with, never suspected of any sort of deception. Boy, was I wrong! But I used that as fuel to push me to move on. There was no way I could have gone back to someone capable of those lies.

 

No, no, god no. I'm going out Saturday night, and want him to see me looking beautiful and having a great time. Whether or not he cares is not really my problem, knowing he'll have seen me not giving a flying f*ck is what matters to me.

 

Immature, right? Probably. I fully acknowledge and understand that I'm behaving like a teenager, however he got full control over the break up, this is my last bit of control before I fully remove him from everything. His stuff is packed in a bag and out of sight.

 

I feel slightly better tonight. I don't know why. I'm sure it'll all come back to haunt me in the morning.

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No, no, god no. I'm going out Saturday night, and want him to see me looking beautiful and having a great time. Whether or not he cares is not really my problem, knowing he'll have seen me not giving a flying f*ck is what matters to me.

Immature, right? Probably. I fully acknowledge and understand that I'm behaving like a teenager, however he got full control over the break up, this is my last bit of control before I fully remove him from everything. His stuff is packed in a bag and out of sight.

 

I feel slightly better tonight. I don't know why. I'm sure it'll all come back to haunt me in the morning.

 

The thing is, he already knows you do very much give a flying f*ck. I get that you want to stick it to him, but this is too transparent and obvious. And if he's already wrapped up with another girl, he won't much care. Harsh but true.

 

The other issue with this line of thinking is that you are not taking back any control at all by posting purpose of him noticing you. Quite the opposite. You're making your activity all about him, because you are hoping he sees it and you will probably continue to check your social media until you see that he has viewed it. Right?

 

Who's really holding the power there? Not you.

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The thing is, he already knows you do very much give a flying f*ck. I get that you want to stick it to him, but this is too transparent and obvious. And if he's already wrapped up with another girl, he won't much care. Harsh but true.

 

The other issue with this line of thinking is that you are not taking back any control at all by posting purpose of him noticing you. Quite the opposite. You're making your activity all about him, because you are hoping he sees it and you will probably continue to check your social media until you see that he has viewed it. Right?

 

Who's really holding the power there? Not you.

 

I'm not really sure about "he knows I care." I have not put anything on social media to indicate I'm down or upset or heartbroken. He's very black/white, he thought I was cheating on him when I was travelling just because I posted a photo of me and a couple of the guys I befriended (whose wives are also in the shot.) I texted him that very night telling him I loved him, and his reply and he was mad at me that I could post on social media and not call. I told him the time-zones were crazy and when I got home he admitted he was checking my snaps obsessively. That was last week. He may be with someone else, but he was always very jealous of any male attention I got. I know he'll be checking my social media, and when I remove him, I also know that it'll irritate him that he doesn't have a front row seat to my life anymore.

 

If he doesn't see it, he doesn't see it. I've set my deadline and so far I've stuck to every one so far.

 

I understand your perspective and thank you for writing a message to me and keeping me busy, but I will be removing him Sunday and that's all I can really focus on right now. If he views me looking glammed up and having fun and truly doesn't care, then I will be none the wiser. I'll be able to remove him properly knowing he's seen me looking amazing.

 

I appreciate your opinion though. Perhaps I'll look back on this thread in a week and agree with you, perhaps not.

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I finally done it. I removed him as a friend, and I have no choice but to stick with it now as he's removed me as well. Knowing he saw me dancing and looking pretty makes me smile, but I've just been crying all day because I miss him.

 

He also did it first. He removed me about an hour before I removed him, it's like he knew!! It's like he f*cking knew and had to have one last thing over me. God this stings. This is what I mean when I say he knew better than I knew myself. Such a god damn coincidence that today of all days was when I was going to remove him and he got in there just before me. He viewed all my snaps of me looking pretty and dancing with guys, but it didn't really make me feel anything. I look happy and I'm laughing and drunk, but deep down I just miss him. I'd never go clubbing again if it meant I could be with him. I miss our hungover days where we'd order way too much food and watch Netflix. They were my favourite.

 

I wonder what went through his head as he did it. I wonder all the reasons why he might have done it and it's driving me crazy. Did he want to put snaps up of his new girl and not want to hurt me? Did he hate seeing me dancing with guys last night and couldn't handle it anymore? I hate that I'll never know.

 

I want to call him and ask him. I want to call him and tell him I'm so sorry that I didn't spend enough time with him. When I left for America he texted me and told me he couldn't wait till I was home so he could hold me. That was a month ago and now he's not in my life.

 

I'm sobbing writing this. A friend is taking me out tonight which is a welcome distraction but in all honesty I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep until this pain goes away.

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To be gentle, all of what you wrote above is why I very strongly recommended that you not go the route of posting on social media to get his attention. You can see now it didn't bring any satisfaction, but only a world of pain and confusion.

 

However, deleting each other needed to happen. You cannot be in his life in any capacity any longer, and yes, it will hurt like hell for a while. You will need the support of a great therapist to help you navigate your way out.

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Hi KissingFire.

 

I too am recovering from a LT (6 year) verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I really didn't realise that it was abusive while in it. I defended his behaviour to friends and family constantly. I believed I deserved it in some way as he knew exactly how to play on my insecurities and things i had told him in confidence about my past or family dynamics.

There was really high times... love-bombing, laughing, romance.... then total contempt and cruelty. He would say I was the love of his life and 2 days later say "get the f@#k out of my life". It made me extremely anxious and I had trouble coping with basic adulting as my self confidence was being eroded all the time. It affected many other aspects of my life.. I struggled in stressful situations. I was totally dependent on his approval and love and could never live up to the ever changing expectations.

I loved him. He tolerated me. I was always the problem.

 

I know you are struggling due to him moving on so quickly with someone else, but you need to know, that he will be taking all the same issues into a new relationship. He is distracting himself from real growth.

You really need to be strict with yourself and remove him from all social media and have no way of knowing what he is up to. Maybe even take a break from SM yourself for a while. It's all bollocks anyway. You seem very caught up in the illusion or impressions that SM give. It's not real.

Real happiness is living in the moment and connecting to real people in real life. You don't need "likes" or validation from other people (or your ex) that your life is rich and happy. You need to know that yourself. that's all that really matters.

You need to focus on all the things that make you and the people you love feel good. Be a generous friend. Go out of your way to help people. that will feed your soul more than social media ever will.

 

I have been N/C with my ex now for a couple of solid months now. It's easy because I took away any options to check up on him, so when there is temptation, I can't act on it.. I know it will only delay my healing.

Every day I care less and less about what he is doing and whether or not he misses me. I'm reconnecting with the people and things I truly care about and remembering all the things I forgot about myself that are beautiful and special that my ex didn't value or appreciate. I have so much to offer, but he was only interested in the parts of me that served him or he thought he deserved in GF. It takes time to redirect that energy after the end of a relationship, but little steps each day are all it takes.

It's still up and down, but it DOES get easier. It's hard to break cycles and self talk after an abusive relationship. Focus on those horrible things he did and said to you and KNOW that they don't define you. You are not those things he thought. Others will love and value you and not make you feel bad for not living up to THEIR standards.

 

You are doing the right thing by taking the time to work through this and he is not.

Be kind and gentle with yourself and remember that time will help. Make plans everyday to do something you love or something to help someone you love. Each day will get better, and your thoughts of him will become less and less everyday.

 

much love.

Edited by Million.to.1
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To be gentle, all of what you wrote above is why I very strongly recommended that you not go the route of posting on social media to get his attention. You can see now it didn't bring any satisfaction, but only a world of pain and confusion.

 

However, deleting each other needed to happen. You cannot be in his life in any capacity any longer, and yes, it will hurt like hell for a while. You will need the support of a great therapist to help you navigate your way out.

 

I don't really regret it. I had a time frame and I stuck to it, and the last thing my ex ever saw of me was me looking my absolute best and dancing and having fun. I take some sort of comfort in that. It's better than the actual break up where I left his car desperately trying not to cry. But thank you anyway for the messages, I know you are just trying to help me.

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{snip}

You are doing the right thing by taking the time to work through this and he is not.

Be kind and gentle with yourself and remember that time will help. Make plans everyday to do something you love or something to help someone you love. Each day will get better, and your thoughts of him will become less and less everyday.

 

much love.

 

Thank you for sharing with me and for leaving me such a nice message.

 

It's nice to know it does and will get easier. I'll keep moving forward, though there are times when I feel like I'll never get there. I've been in this position with him before and just when I started to move on, he reached out to me and we got back together.

 

I know he's been abusive in the past. I am not stupid or naive and am aware I've been abused by him, hence why we were in therapy. We both have our demons. He also had a good side, a side not many people knew about, but I did. I guess that made me feel special... It was part of the charm, getting to see a soft, gentle side. One that kissed my forehead and made me feel like the most stunning woman in the world.

 

I miss him. But I keep going. I keep going out, I keep working hard and I keep going running to clear my head. Whenever I feel sad, I try to remember the bad times, because believe me, there were bad times. He's been removed from any social media he had. (Only snapchat.) So I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to see anything on FB or whatever...

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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