How to cope... The clichés don't work!

[riverdeep33]

Week 3 of no contact and I am struggling BEYOND belief with the breakup.

 

I am missing him so so so much; my heart hurts so much; I am crying every day and I feel at the point of breakdown as I reflect upon the relationship and my stupidity.

 

I want him to come back in to my life, tell me he loves me and that I mean as much to him as he does to me, but he isn't. He has moved on and I am in crisis. I have lost my best friend, my soul mate and my perfect man.

 

I don't know what to do or how to cope. The normal advice isn't working. Throwing myself into work isn't working either; I just can't focus.

 

Friends tell me, take a day at a time, keep yourself busy, the pain will ease etc. It isn't easing. It's 5 years of my life!

 

Then I get the cliches of "it wasn't meant to be" "if he wants you he knows where you are" "someone better will come along."

 

I just feel so awful; and full of pain and regret. Does anyone have any strategies to help me? I feel like I am in such a dark place.

[d0nnivain]

You are in a dark place. You are grieving. It will pass eventually but for right now, you have to go through this painful transition. You lost something you held precious.

 

Give yourself the freedom to cry & mourn but don't skip important stuff like going to work.

 

One of the things I did to help myself is set short goals. OK, I'm go 15 minutes without crying. Then 1/2 hour. Then an hour. Then 2. Then a 1/2 day. Then a whole day. After mastering about two days in a row . . . which took time. . . eventually I realized I hadn't thought about him in a while.

 

Other things you can do:

 

Purge: get rid of the pictures & mementos. If you can't bring yourself to throw them out, save the photos to a flash drive & put that along with everything else into a box.

 

Move Keep yourself busy. Now is the time to deep clean your house & join a gym or go for long walks.

 

Rearrange: redecorate your space. You don't want the visual cues of having your EX in your space.

 

Reinvent: now is the time to do things you have always wanted to do. Take up a new hobby. Change your hair. Get some new clothes. Just do nice things for yourself.

[Lotsgoingon]

The first three weeks are the toughest part of NC.

 

I don't know how long it was after the breakup before you went NC?

 

Right now, you need to remind yourself that your brain is still full of the old software and programming. The programming says you want to please him, that he makes you feel good, that his view counts more than other people's views ...

 

It takes time for that program to run out and uninstall ... and the ex becomes just another person ...

 

Not someone whose approval you necessarily want or need. Not someone you need to impress, not someone whose love you need to survive and thrive.

 

It takes time ...

 

An exercise that sometimes helped me was to write down all my strengths ... all the things I like about myself ... you need to be reminded of your strengths right now. You need to feed your ego.

[riverdeep33]

The first three weeks are the toughest part of NC.

 

I don't know how long it was after the breakup before you went NC?

 

Right now, you need to remind yourself that your brain is still full of the old software and programming. The programming says you want to please him, that he makes you feel good, that his view counts more than other people's views ...

 

It takes time for that program to run out and uninstall ... and the ex becomes just another person ...

 

Not someone whose approval you necessarily want or need. Not someone you need to impress, not someone whose love you need to survive and thrive.

 

It takes time ...

 

An exercise that sometimes helped me was to write down all my strengths ... all the things I like about myself ... you need to be reminded of your strengths right now. You need to feed your ego.

 

 

After 4 months of trying to get him back I went NC.

 

I REALLY want him back. I'd do absolutely anything for one more chance. I am absolutely crazy about him; he is my idea of perfection and I am so lost without him.

 

Prior to the last 3 weeks, I did try contacting and it was without success. Out of all the relationships I have had, I have never felt pain like this before. We were together 5 years. The pain just isn't stopping.

 

I wish I could write down strengths / likes about me, but without him I just despise myself. My life utterly sucks without him.

[salparadise]

There is no magic formula that will make this quick or easy, so accept that you're going to have to deal with it... and that in time it will get better. Time does heal. You've been given some good suggestions.

 

This statement is concerning: "but without him I just despise myself. My life utterly sucks without him." You need to work on your relationship with yourself, lean to be your own best friend. I do know that feeling too, but it's unhealthy and needs to be changed. I'd suggest going to therapy. You have the inner resources to pull yourself up and heal but you may need some help.

 

You need several parallel strategies... coping, healing, self-care, getting to a place of acceptance, loving and integrating the new you, and eventually moving forward with hope, optimism and self assurance.

 

After four month of trying to get him back, and now three weeks of NC, you are only three weeks into the process. You first need to accept that it's over. You're going to have to take him down off of that pedestal.

 

You need to grieve the loss, almost in the same way as if it were a death of someone close to you. It's different for everyone so hard to say how long you will need to grieve. Acknowledge the feelings, allow yourself to feel it fully. Trying to repress the feelings will keep you stuck. You need to talk about it a lot. Do you have some friends who will be generous with their time and attention? You'll probably need to talk more than any one person can carry, so find multiple resources and thank them for listening. Let them know how much it means to you. And go to therapy.

 

Exercise and eat well––healthy. Self care is extremely important. Find little things that you can do that bring you small amounts of pleasure. Build on it and move to larger things as you're able.

 

Understand that the way you feel is not who you are. Feelings are transient, they are an attribute, not an entity. Use the rational side of your brain to monitor the emotional side and allow them to have conversations about your wellbeing. The rational side will lead with wisdom and knowing what's best. The emotional side takes time to catch up.

 

Changing where you are physically, what you're doing, what you're thinking about and even forcing yourself to smile and find humor in things... all of these can help control your overall mood and demeanor.

 

Acceptance will come. Be confident of that. I wish you the best.

[d0nnivain]

After 4 months of trying to get him back I went NC.

 

I REALLY want him back. I'd do absolutely anything for one more chance. I am absolutely crazy about him; he is my idea of perfection and I am so lost without him.

 

Prior to the last 3 weeks, I did try contacting and it was without success. Out of all the relationships I have had, I have never felt pain like this before. We were together 5 years. The pain just isn't stopping.

 

I wish I could write down strengths / likes about me, but without him I just despise myself. My life utterly sucks without him.

 

You were together for 5 years. The pain is not going to stop in 5 minutes, probably more like 5+ months.

 

However until you accept the fact that this is over & he is not coming back you will never heal. Continuing to cling to false hope is you picking at your broken heart & not allowing healing to happen.

 

More importantly you have to change your thinking. You are not nothing without him. Your life doesn't suck, even though you are in excruciating pain right now. You have to love yourself. He was a part of your life. He was not your whole life.

 

Hang in there.

[Zapbasket]

This isn't a cliche, but the truth:

 

It really, really sucks for a long time--longer if the breakup stirs up other, unresolved issues from deep in your past. It sucks so bad you think you will never begin to feel better, even to feel normal again.

 

But then it DOES get better. Just when you think it's impossible for things to take a turn for the better, they do. And you truly come out the stronger and better for it.

 

I am living proof of this, as are many others on this forum. Sometimes those around you IRL seem like they're on the other side of a wall of fire, where the wind is blowing all the smoke and flames in YOUR direction while they all are fine, going about their business, etc. But everyone who has any depth has gone through some darkness; no matter how it might seem you are not alone.

 

Let yourself have all your feelings, spend time with people who will let you vent when you need to, push yourself harder in an athletic activity you love, try things you've never tried before--even things as small as new routes to work, new colors in your wardrobe, new hairstyle...and then venture into bigger things like traveling to another country alone, laying the groundwork to start that business you've always wanted to start, etc.

[Lotsgoingon]

After 4 months of trying to get him back I went NC.

 

I REALLY want him back. I'd do absolutely anything for one more chance. I am absolutely crazy about him; he is my idea of perfection and I am so lost without him.

 

Prior to the last 3 weeks, I did try contacting and it was without success. Out of all the relationships I have had, I have never felt pain like this before. We were together 5 years. The pain just isn't stopping.

 

I wish I could write down strengths / likes about me, but without him I just despise myself. My life utterly sucks without him.

 

Here's the basic truth I will tell anyone: NEVER date someone who can't cope and thrive without you. And never date someone who will loathe themselves if you break up with them.

 

You need to build yourself up ... maybe you outsourced that to your bf?

 

This three weeks is hardcore withdrawal. Keep going.

[riverdeep33]

Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement.

 

The logic side of my mind completely agrees with everything. I do keep telling myself he isn't coming back; I just feel like it is a total injustice, because it didn't need to end; a discussion could have sorted everything. I appreciate I am projecting my view onto him which are clearly different. The fact he isn't contacting me should be clear enough. It isn't. That is just my train of thought; which I know is flawed!

 

I have done everything I can to stop myself from contacting and being reminded of him; removed contact details off my phone, unfriended social media and gotten rid of all stuff around my house. It's his birthday coming up and I really want to send him something, but I know that would be stupid too. I need to stop thinking of ways back into his life when he isn't finding any ways into mine.

 

I am trying to do other things. I used to work out a lot; now I just end up sitting in the gym and staring into space; literally doing nothing; I have no motivation; I just end up sitting and crying and I can't seem to shake it off. I keep saying to myself, do this, try that, and I go to then just fall apart when I go to do it. Even at work, my head is just screaming his name over and over and over; it doesn't seem to stop.

 

Everything people have posted in helping me is absolutely correct and I do really appreciate it more than you all know. I have had many failed relationships; but this one I thought we could get through anything together. It seems that is not the case.

 

I guess I did get the validation from him that I have never had from anyone; he made me feel worthwhile, important, valued in a way which nobody ever has. I've never felt those things about myself and genuinely have no idea how to either. Even when I look in the mirror, my mind is just full of disgust and shame. Telling myself I am a good person just doesn't cut it.

 

I will keep trying. I just need a realisation moment that I need to stop caring for someone who does not see a happy life with me. I just can't seem to snap out of it.

[Art_Critic]

Time fixes all really does work.. after time the sting feels better and you see it for what is was..

 

Time.. give it some time...

[Lotsgoingon]

So a really nice step is to accept the validation he gave you ... pull out that piece ... because if he's right .. .then that quality he validated ... or those qualities plural that he validated ... are still there.

 

You are all the good things he says you were and more!

 

You're right, this is an impossible period right now ... but just see if you can tease out those qualities from him ... If he sees them, then others can and will see them. You can own these qualities.

 

Right now, the problem is likely that your love brain can't separate feeling good about yourself from having him around helping you feel good about yourself. That will pass. Your attachment hormones and chemicals will gradually shift and decline ...

 

I can relate to your feelings: an ex who absolutely broke my heart ... was probably the person who had said the best things to me about me ... of anyone I've ever dated ... or even of any friends or family! Not just the best things ... but said them in a way that I BELIEVED her ... and was able to see things about myself that I didn't notice.

 

This ex got me ... she thought I was an amazing person. She just didn't think I was physically attractive to her. Now, here's the key thing I'll point out. I think after she dumped me, I would say "she didn't think I was physically attractive." ... Now, I say "she didn't think I was physically attractive to her." That "to her" is implied by "she thinks" ... but I needed to add it to how I talk about this issue.

 

In fact, my ex completely acknowledged that others would find me attractive. But in the immediate aftermath of being dumped by her, I couldn't get my brain to go towards the truth that my ex's view was only ONE PERSON'S view.

 

Just know if things get really bad ... and if you find yourself in prolonged agony, it might be a good time to go to therapy. Sometimes a lover's "abandonment" isn't the real cause of our pain ... Rather, what sometimes sends us on a downward spiral are underlying thoughts and feelings that the breakup has triggered and aggravated. Thoughts like:

 

• I am repeatedly abandoned ...
   
   
  
• I'm not good enough ...
   
   
  
• I never get what I want out of life ...
   
   
  
• No one will ever really love me ...
   
   
  
• Things never work out for me ...
   
   
  
• I'm not feminine enough/masculine enough ... pretty enough/handsome enough to have someone love me.
  

 

These core underlying beliefs are schema ... like our vulnerable sides ... that can get triggered by lovers, bosses, rudeness on their airplane .. .fickle friends and on and on. But ... you can work on those schema ... and strengthen your self acceptance in these areas.

 

So if you find yourself suffering and suffering and there isn't any letup ... don't be afraid to find that right therapist who can help you heal over this loss ... while strengthening your underlying foundation and confidence and acceptance.

 

You feel like crap ... but ironically that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong right now. It's just that your underlying schema and vulnerabilities are now activated and screaming their heads off ... They'll eventually shut up ... but it does require some work.

[hope86]

Objectively speaking it doesn't get "better" or you don't get "acceptance" because you haven't found a higher value partner than him/her. It really is as simple as that.

 

Now any partner who doesn't have the same quality as your ex will always be unsatisfactory in your eyes and thus you will still yearn for that lost partner.

 

What truly devastates you is not the breakup itself, it's the loss of a beautiful future you could've had with him/her combined with the fear of the future of spending someone who you don't truly love but because you want to escape loneliness you "settle".

 

To exaggerate my point, if I was god and I gave you an even better partner than your ex, let's say your ex was Tom Cruise but I grant you Brad Pitt, you would move on in no time(assuming you are emotionally compatible with both). Think about how quickly you would move on. Do you really think going on a world tour is going to fix this? Or self improvement or mediation or getting a promotion at work is going to fix this?

[riverdeep33]

Thank you both. I have spent today pondering and processing what was said.

 

Lotsgoingon - a lot of what you said really resonated with me. My ex got me; really got me! Like no other. Right until the end, they told me how much they loved me and wanted to be with me, but just couldn't believe I could (and have) change (i.e. see them more, not push them away, live together). I wish I had the adjectives to describe how utterly useless / deplorable I feel over my actions; there will be a deep regret forever.

 

I do accept what you're saying; that I cannot change his mind and I have to accept that for him; I am not enough; but that is a hard pill to swallow. The validation he gave was exactly what you said - unique and believable! I've never had that and I certainly don't have that in myself; especially after my stupidity.

 

I am going to therapy; I am unsure if it is working. He is really just challenging my thinking and telling me it is easy as just not thinking the thoughts I do. I'm keeping with it - it's good to be challenged I think. I won't lie; I have thought and even planned ending my life, but fortunately; right now anyway, the logic side of my brain is stronger; but I do get scared that I don't know how long for.

 

I also partly agree with hope86; only to the extent that he was everything I wanted and I realised too late; I know I'll compare every future relationship to him because he is the only person I want to be with; from day 1 that spark was there. Suddenly darkness.

[riverdeep33]

The questions CONSTANTLY spinning around my head... People tell me time is a healer, but I want my boyfriend back so much. Not any boyfriend; him; only him, nobody else. Does anyone have any strategies to help me cope?

• Why can't I accept he doesn't want me?
  
• Why doesn't he want me?
  
• How can he just cut me off so easily?
  
• After 5 years, how is he not reaching out to me like I have with him so much?
  
• How is he living without me when I don't want to wake up each day!
  
• He said he needed time; we started dating, why did I rush to try and fix it! Why didn't I take it slower!
  
• Do I message him? Do I wish him Happy Birthday next month? Do I send him a card?
  
• Is he not messaging me because I am not messaging him?
  
• He is my perfect man; why aren't I for him?
  
• How can I tell my brain he isn't coming back!
  
• How can he be on online dating looking for someone!
  
• Is he thinking of me? Why can't he give me a chance - we genuinely were so great together; so why am I not enough?
  
• What if I can't get through this? The thought of hurting my family in doing something "stupid" is not something I want to do, but I am not coping and I don't want to live without him. I am so petrified that I will crash soon and do something.
  
• How can I stop my head from constantly screaming his name over and over and OVER. It won't stop!
  
• How do I stop myself wanting him so badly. Why do I still think I can save this?
  

[ExpatInItaly]

You got some good advice in your last thread: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/664337-how-cope-cliches-don-t-work

 

It's going to take much longer than a few weeks to feel better again.

 

However, given that you seem to be indicating you might hurt yourself, I would urge you to contact a counselor immediately.

[d0nnivain]

Does anyone have any strategies to help me cope?

 

You were given coping strategies in your other thread.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/664337-how-cope-cliches-don-t-work

 

 

[*]Why can't I accept he doesn't want me?

Because you don't want to. You want to believe it's not over & he's not coming back because that is what you want to be true. Until you accept that it's over, you can't heal.

 

[*]Why doesn't he want me?

Only he knows the answer to this but odds are he has outgrown the relationship. Some need of his wasn't getting met. No you could not have changed to meet it. Or he may have met somebody else or decided he wanted to see what else was possibly out there for him.

 

[*]How can he just cut me off so easily?

It just looks easy from your perspective. You know how much you are hurting but you don't really know what he's thinking & feeling. If he is a good guy, he doesn't feel all happy & joyful knowing you are hurting. However, him not wanting to be the source of your pain is not a good reason to stay together.

 

[*]After 5 years, how is he not reaching out to me like I have with him so much?

Because he knows that won't allow either of you to heal. You need the separation to move forward.

 

[*]How is he living without me when I don't want to wake up each day!

He wanted out so it's easier for him. In time the acute pain will subside. For now tale one day at a time & keep getting out of bed. I know it's hard but do it anyway.

 

[*]He said he needed time; we started dating, why did I rush to try and fix it! Why didn't I take it slower!

After 5 years of dating, him wanting to go slower then is not the cause of the problems now nor the cause of the break up.

 

[*]Do I message him? Do I wish him Happy Birthday next month? Do I send him a card?

 

No! Absolutely not. He does not want to hear from you. As much as you want him to open the birthday card & think Oh wow she still cares I must have been a fool to break up with her. I better go win her back, that is not going to happen.

 

[*]Is he not messaging me because I am not messaging him?

 

No he's not messaging you because he doesn't want to be in contact with you any more.

 

[*]He is my perfect man; why aren't I for him?

 

He's not perfect. You have to stop thinking he is. Although you can't see it & you don't want to believe it just yet, there is somebody better. Right now you have to heal.

 

[*]How can I tell my brain he isn't coming back!

Just like that.

 

[*]How can he be on online dating looking for someone!

because that is what he wants to do. How do you even know he's doing this? Whatever your source of info, cut it off. Stop looking at his social media. Tell your friends to stop feeding you info. In short go NC for real

 

[*]Is he thinking of me? Why can't he give me a chance - we genuinely were so great together; so why am I not enough?

 

No he's not thinking about you, at least not the constant way you think about him. There are probably things that remind him of you but it's not the same for him.

 

He gave you 5 years. In that time he realized that until death do us part & happily ever after with you was not what he wanted.

 

It's not that you weren't enough. You are the best you that you can be. That is wonderful. It's just not the perfect match for him.

 

[*]What if I can't get through this? The thought of hurting my family in doing something "stupid" is not something I want to do, but I am not coping and I don't want to live without him. I am so petrified that I will crash soon and do something.

 

If you are feeling on edge, talk to someone -- a friend, a family member, a suicide hot line, a crisis center. . . anybody. Go to the emergency room if you have to.

 

[*]How can I stop my head from constantly screaming his name over and over and OVER. It won't stop!

Have a rational conversation with yourself & remind yourself that you have to move forward.

 

[*]How do I stop myself wanting him so badly. Why do I still think I can save this?

Change your self talk. Remind yourself that you can't make him do something that he doesn't want to do. All you can do is soothe yourself. Keep busy. Get rid of the reminders. Surround yourself with supportive friends & family. Get therapy if you think you need it. There is no shame in asking for help

 

 

Hang in there. The acute phase will pass. Try reading some self help books about grief & healing. I think there is a pop psychology book out there titled something like "It's Called a Break up Because it's Broken" or something like that

[bathtub-row]

Counseling really can help you get some perspective on this and help you feel better. Most of us have been through this kind of pain and it's truly the worst feeling in the world. What everyone is telling you about time is true. I’ve been there. There are loves I thought I’d never get over, never survive. But, not only do we get over them, we forget those feelings completely. You need to believe that because it’s true. I know that you’re thinking you don’t want to get over him and don’t want to forget but, yes you do. You want the pain to stop. That’s your highest priority.

 

Seriously, go to a counselor. Little by little, peace will find its way back to you. And, please, do not hurt your family by ending your life. It will devastate them. Suicide is a long-term solution to a short-term problem. These feelings you have are not forever, no matter how much they seem to be.

[basil67]

Looking back at the reasons he ended it "we were together 5 years and everything was fine he wanted to move in but I wasn’t ready. We split up a year ago. I then assured him I was ready and we got back together. It didn’t happen and I spent the next year keeping at arms length, pushing him away, keeping him at an emotional distance. In hindsight this was truly awful and I was in quite a withdrawn depressive state" on this thread, I think a lot of the reason you're struggling is because you're unable to put yourself in his shoes. Your previous choices broke the relationship. He did try again, but for him, it was simply too late.

 

 

[*]Why can't I accept he doesn't want me?

 

You're still in the grieving stage of 'denial'

 

 

[*]Why doesn't he want me?

 

Because you messed him about for too long

 

 

[*]How can he just cut me off so easily?

 

He didn't cut you off easily. He actually waited a long time for you to stop pushing him away...and when you did finally change, he found it was too late for him.

 

 

[*]After 5 years, how is he not reaching out to me like I have with him so much?

 

Because he spent 5 years reaching out and having you push him away. He's no longer interested in reaching out.

 

 

[*]How is he living without me when I don't want to wake up each day!

 

Because he's removed what was an unsatisfactory relationship from his life and is successfully rebuilding

 

 

[*]He said he needed time; we started dating, why did I rush to try and fix it! Why didn't I take it slower!

 

I don't think that taking it slower would have changed anything. His heart was no longer in it.

 

 

[*]Do I message him? Do I wish him Happy Birthday next month? Do I send him a card?

 

No

 

 

[*]Is he not messaging me because I am not messaging him?

 

No. He's not messaging you because he's moved on.

 

 

[*]He is my perfect man; why aren't I for him?

 

Because you pushed him away for a very long time.

 

 

[*]How can I tell my brain he isn't coming back!

 

Time. And by looking at his actions from his angle

 

 

[*]How can he be on online dating looking for someone!

 

Because he's moving on.

 

 

[*]Is he thinking of me? Why can't he give me a chance - we genuinely were so great together; so why am I not enough?

 

No, he's probably not thinking of you. He did give you a chance but it was too late. And from his angle, you WEREN'T great together -and you're not enough because you were pushing him away for so long.

 

 

[*]What if I can't get through this? The thought of hurting my family in doing something "stupid" is not something I want to do, but I am not coping and I don't want to live without him. I am so petrified that I will crash soon and do something.

 

You're still in early grief. One day at a time.

 

 

[*]How can I stop my head from constantly screaming his name over and over and OVER. It won't stop!

 

One day at a time.

 

 

[*]How do I stop myself wanting him so badly. Why do I still think I can save this?

 

Still thinking you can save this is again the 'denial' stage of grief. You will move past this.

[Zahara]

The end of a relationship is akin to grieving the death of a loved one. It's going to pain you for awhile. There isn't a quick and easy fix to get to the other side, therefore it's going to take much more time than just a few weeks to begin to feel some relief.

 

I think that you're going to be able to come to some level of acceptance when you start taking accountability for the demise of this relationship. You seem to focus on "why he" when there was a part of the this relationship that consisted of you rejecting and pushing him away when he was trying to get close to you. Instead of focusing on "why he" based on the trail end of your relationship, focus on "why you" weren't able to fully embrace him and your relationship then.

 

You stated that you were genuinely great together. This is fantasy thinking. You're idealizing what you had when the truth is there was emotional distance and unavailability in the relationship. You really need to start seeing the reality of things. Fantasy thinking keeps you holding on longer to something that wasn't really there.

 

He is moving on because it's run its course. I'm sure it has bred resentment and pain. And sometimes there is no coming back from that. And I would advise you to stay NC and work on yourself. Don't reach out on his birthday because it could possibly send you down another rabbit hole.

 

Self-preservation. Grieve. Embrace your pain. Heal.

Edited September 12, 2018 by Zahara

[riverdeep33]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

I wasn't necessarily suggesting I needed answers to all those questions; other than to say - those are the thoughts spinning round my mind.

 

I do take FULL responsibility for it all; and yes the guilt is very firmly lodged in my mind. I just find the situation very sad and preventable BUT - I accept this is from my perspective. I completely know he is in a different position to me. It doesn't mean I can't want to fix it - even though I know I can't.

 

I am attending counselling and today's session has helped.

 

I think the important thing to recognise is that I have never felt pain like this before; despite previous relationships, this one has hit me more than anyone ever has.

 

It took me too long to get on the same page; I was too late and I let him down. I know I can't do that in the future and the ONLY good thing to come from any of this is the change in my thinking in creating a meaningful relationship.

 

In terms of ending my life - as I say, I couldn't hurt my family, but I am acknowledging that these are thoughts I am having and I am scared I will spiral.

 

I am giving myself 4 months to bring about change. I am sorry in the mean time if I end up ranting on here - whoever is in charge, just delete my posts. I'd just rather rant on here than contact him.

 

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to get through alone and I openly admit it. I genuinely do not know how people have ever done this and gotten through such a situation.

 

Thank you all SO SO much for your advice and pro-longed patience in my spiralling and circling around. I know I am looking psychotic on here. I hope he never sees all these posts lol.

[d0nnivain]

In the throws of pain everybody does silly things. Hang in there.

[basil67]

I'm so glad the counselling session has been good for you. When you finally get to the point of acceptance, the healing will happen more quickly. ((hugs)) to you.

[Soak]

Ahh, you'll be alright. Just put one foot infront of the other. The cluches do work, you've just to stick with them!

Edited September 15, 2018 by Soak

[Chassit]

Week 3 of no contact and I am struggling BEYOND belief with the breakup.

 

I am missing him so so so much; my heart hurts so much; I am crying every day and I feel at the point of breakdown as I reflect upon the relationship and my stupidity.

 

I want him to come back in to my life, tell me he loves me and that I mean as much to him as he does to me, but he isn't. He has moved on and I am in crisis. I have lost my best friend, my soul mate and my perfect man.

 

I don't know what to do or how to cope. The normal advice isn't working. Throwing myself into work isn't working either; I just can't focus.

 

Friends tell me, take a day at a time, keep yourself busy, the pain will ease etc. It isn't easing. It's 5 years of my life!

 

Then I get the cliches of "it wasn't meant to be" "if he wants you he knows where you are" "someone better will come along."

 

I just feel so awful; and full of pain and regret. Does anyone have any strategies to help me? I feel like I am in such a dark place.

 

I can relate so completely. The only difference is my ex is a her and I am 5 weeks in. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[riverdeep33]

It’s hard. The hardest thing you’ll ever go through. Use the forums, post your story. It helps you heal.

 

I’d love to say it gets better but I’m struggling to see how/if/when.

 

I just keep telling myself that they aren’t worrying or thinking of me as much as I am of them so I must try and find a way through this.

 

I expect more tears will come before I’m happy again but it’s out of my control.