I am not coping

[guest569]

I had a breakup about 4 months ago which has been tough to deal with. I feel so damn sad all of the time and miss him like crazy and wonder if I did the right thing. I wish we were still together. Even though there were some pretty bad times, the good times were beautiful and I am so lost and alone without him. I am so sad that I often just go to bed really early so I don't have to be awake. I've had 3 relationships and the breakups caused me a lot of pain and took a while to get over. I feel a bit exhausted from consecutive losses.

 

I also found out a week ago that my dad has a terminal illness. I feel like I have no support as I have very few friends, none close. The rest of my family are not in contact with my dad and I feel like it's just me. It makes me miss my ex more because I just need to talk to someone and have no-one to talk with. My ex probably wouldn't have been very helpful anyway, he would just respond with silence or change the subject. We really weren't quite right, but it doesn't mean I don't miss him like crazy. He might have tried to cheer me up and take me out for dinner or something. It doesn't matter anyway as he is gone. I didn't expect to face losing my parents until I'm 50 or 60. Last year I lost my grandmother, aunt, friend, colleague, great aunt, great uncle. So I am getting very familiar with this whole death thing. I don't know if I have grieved at all. I just keep moving. Occasionally I will just break down and weep over someone. Whether it is an ex or dead loved one or a dead pet from years ago. There really isn't a way to deal with it. They are gone or dead and that's it. Nothing I can do about it but miss them.

 

I am also having trouble with a crappy boss who just gives me grief, to the point he is just such a tool that I don't see any point in talking to him about it, I think he is a bully and does not respect me or let me do my job, micro manager - because the issue is his personality, he can't change. I just need to get out and get away from him. But it takes time to get a new job. I have tried, I have been applying and got an interview but just missed out cause there is always someone better. Now got and an employee who is starting to take long breaks without recording it, so I will have to deal with that which will be stressful and awkward. I always get staff like this who just try to take advantage or just create whatever drama. This seems to be the norm too.

 

On top of that I am studying for my master degree when not working. That is a breeze but it's just another thing I have to do. I feel so time poor, and just so damn alone. I am 30 and want to retire already because I hate people, I hate having to go to work every day and interact with people and want to hide away because I'm so depressed and I can't handle it anymore. I don't enjoy my job. I don't think I would enjoy any job where you just go and sit there all day with a bully and imbecile for a boss. Is that not just the norm?

 

A few weeks back I was doing ok and joined a dating site, and now out of the hundreds of matches, I have found one who interests me. But I am scared to meet him, because I am a basket case, I have gained weight and have an eating disorder. I feel so fat and ugly and can't face the rejection. But this guy does seem pretty cool. I mainly just wanted to make some friends, it's hard to meet people, and dating app works - a lot of people on there wanting friends. I just wish I was thin right now because I would probably go ahead and meet him. I think I will just spare him the trouble of meeting such a messed up person.

 

I guess my main goal for life was to make money, pay off a house, retire as soon as possible and just relax and try to enjoy life. Maybe that is still my goal. I don't care about love or offspring for now, just really miss the loves that I have lost.

 

I am planning an epic holiday by myself. Somewhere I have always wanted to go. Splurging on myself for once and feeling a bit guilty. It's the one thing I am looking forward to I guess. But it's hard to even be enthusiastic about that when everything around me just seems crap and I spend a lot of time feeling suicidal.

Edited August 30, 2018 by smiley1

[brigit87]

But it's hard to even be enthusiastic about that when everything around me just seems crap and I spend a lot of time feeling suicidal.

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

[d0nnivain]

You have an awfully lot going on: end of a relationship; sick relative; bad boss / stressful job & studying for a degree.. Of course you are stressed.

 

What outlets do you have? Try exercise & meditation. You have to hang on, suck it up & deal with the job while you are getting your masters. Keep your eye on the prize. As soon as you have that degree, it's onward & upward. The job struggles are only temporary & have a defined end. Focus on that.

 

Do spend time with your dad. Make memories while you can. I lost my parents about 5-6 years ago. I still miss them but I draw great comfort from knowing I was there for them until the end.

 

If your school offers it, seek out counseling. Those counselors are great at helping people balance.

 

As much as it would be nice to have someone in your corner right now, somebody to hold you, put romance on the back burner. Concentrate on school & your dad. In the end, you will be glad you did.

 

Meanwhile hang in there!

[BaileyB]

I personally would put my time and energy into counselling, not dating right now.

 

And, I would be looking for a friend. It sounds like you need a friend now.

 

I'm sorry life has been so hard for you. It will get better, but it's hard to believe that when it feels like you have a dark cloud that follows you around all the time... Take care of yourself and your dad.

[Ralph79]

I had a breakup about 4 months ago which has been tough to deal with. I feel so damn sad all of the time and miss him like crazy and wonder if I did the right thing. I wish we were still together. Even though there were some pretty bad times, the good times were beautiful and I am so lost and alone without him. I am so sad that I often just go to bed really early so I don't have to be awake. I've had 3 relationships and the breakups caused me a lot of pain and took a while to get over. I feel a bit exhausted from consecutive losses.

[]

 

smiley1

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've read some of your past posts and I want to help you see a comon theme in what you tell us:

 

I am so lost and alone without him.

 

I feel so fat and ugly and can't face the rejection.

 

A lot of people have tried to help you with advice. Some of it has been tough love. Most of it has been very supportive.

 

I think that you should always remember that what you think of yourself is your presentation card to how others perceive you. I was very insecure and didn't date until my 30's . I felt extremely lucky and unworthy when I met my first GF (then wife, then Ex). The breakup was almost unbearable , because I knew in my heart I would never be able to find someone as incredibly beautiful as her.

 

As I got over the breakup, I came to realize that there is more to beauty than outer appearance. I came to appreciate honesty, determination, values in women and not just a pretty smile or a fit body.

 

Your experiences, you knowledge , your strength, your courage is valuable. There are people out there who will appreciate you and will value you because of the intangible qualities you bring to a relationship. If you keep putting yourself down, any partner will start "buying in" to the idea that you are not worthy of their time, which is not the case.

 

You HAVE to overcome that bad habit you have of putting yourself down. Any worthwhile man who takes his time to truly gets to know where you come from, what you've been through, how you've handled yourself and what you expect of yourself in the future will respect and admire you. But you have to give yourself that value first.

 

I lost my father just as my Ex left me. She stayed with me out of pity perhaps a few weeks, but deep down I knew she had checked herself out of our marriage.

 

I lost most of my father's company assets because I didn't have the resolve to deal with my relationship problems and I remember hitting rock bottom when I saw our company equipment that was sold in a different paint scheme. My dad's logo was barely visible through the new paint.

 

I recall hitting the floor sobbing thinking to myself "I lost my past, and I lost my future". That week I couldn't deal with the pain anymore. I thought to myself that death was a welcome change as long as it meant stopping the pain I felt.

 

What I will share next is not advice or a recommendation, it's simply my darkest hour I was able to overcome:

 

I decided to end my life at the end of the week. I didn't tell anyone. I literally bought a calendar and marked the day so that it would serve as a reminder of my resolve to finally do this. I told myself "1 last week of having to put up with this pain and it's over. I'll make the best of it".

 

I took a week off. I went of a run on the beach one last time. I talked to family members without telling them of my decision. I went to talk with my Mom and for the first time in years I was emotional with her and told her I loved her. I talked to nephews over the phone who were ecstatic to hear from me. I tied up some loose ends at work that I was afraid to do before. I settled debts with a more carefree approach.

 

I bought my favorite foods. Enjoyed eating them alone. Went to see a movie. Watched reruns of my favorite shows. I went to a cooking class with an estranged friend. At the end I finally felt in control of my life again because I knew that in a matter of hours it was going to be over.

 

When the final hour came up. I decided to start writing to everyone that meant something to me for forgiveness. I eventually got to my Ex and I realized she didn't deserve a minute of what little time I had left.

 

That's when I realized that I probably had lived one of the best weeks of my life and it was up to me all this time. That is the last time I wept. And I swore I would never allow ANYONE to put me in this position again.

 

Life's troubles caught up with me again, but I never allowed anything to get to me that deep anymore. I learned to by happy with myself, by myself and for myself.

 

Today I am married and I and a proud father. Had I not learned to not depend on anyone but myself I probably wouldn't have been able to get to this point.

 

I hope you realize you are the most precious and valuable asset you have. Don't treat yourself with disrespect. Don't sell yourself short. Hardships are necessary to forge our soul. One day you will understand that these events prepared you for what was to come.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[guest569]

What outlets do you have? Try exercise & meditation. You have to hang on, suck it up & deal with the job while you are getting your masters. Keep your eye on the prize. As soon as you have that degree, it's onward & upward. The job struggles are only temporary & have a defined end. Focus on that.

 

Do spend time with your dad. Make memories while you can. I lost my parents about 5-6 years ago. I still miss them but I draw great comfort from knowing I was there for them until the end.

 

If your school offers it, seek out counseling. Those counselors are great at helping people balance.

 

Thanks for your support. I've been doing exercise most days, competed in a fun run and have a mini triathlon in a couple of months to work towards. And I do some gym classes which gets me 'social', even though I'm not really interacting much, I still feel a bit more connected. I am hoping I can get a routine happening which will help me eat properly, but not putting too much pressure on myself - just getting the basics right.

 

I want to get more photography in, not that I have much spare time. But I'm trying to free up some time for that.

 

I am hanging in there at work with another year until I get the master degree and hit a milestone for long service leave. I'm just iffy at this point about how much it is going to help me. It should open more doors but I tend not to have much faith until it happens. It's hard in the meantime and I don't want to spend too much time in a negative environment. I have seen some toxic workplaces but I think the worst thing is simply not being allowed to just do my job and have control over my own duties without someone constantly stealing my ideas, taking over my work, taking the credit for it. It makes me feel so redundant, worthless and aimless. As crap as it is, job pays well and has reasonable conditions that I might not find elsewhere. When other things in my life suck, at least if I had a good job where I feel like I'm making a difference in the world, that would be really great. So career change is still something I consider.

 

I'm studying online so don't really have access to counsellor, but there is a free one through work - tried them a couple of times and it was hopeless. I even paid big bucks last year for one and found him hopeless.

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

I personally would put my time and energy into counselling, not dating right now.

 

And, I would be looking for a friend. It sounds like you need a friend now.

 

I haven't given counselling much thought as I haven't had much luck in the past. I just don't see it being able to miraculously fix things. I have been trying to make friends but to me, it's the same as dating in that it's hard to go and meet people when you're vulnerable. I have a few friends but we aren't very close. I haven't found some that I click with yet.

 

Ralph, thanks for sharing your story. It was very inspiring. I guess the common theme you're pointing at is my poor self esteem and feeling lost after a breakup. I tend to feel very happy and secure in a relationship and put a lot of my time and attention into my partner and the relationship and probably lose myself as an individual. Maybe because I don't really know who I am or what I'm doing anymore. I put a lot of emphasis on what I think of my appearance and weight and hate myself if it's not how I want it to be or if I am not thin enough I am way too harsh. But so is society. You get treated much better when you're thin and pretty. It's basically all that matters.

[lana-banana]

Smiley,

 

First off, many hugs and lots of love to you. It's important you try to be social now, even when you don't feel like it, because you need support to help you carry your burdens. Are there just s few people you can trust with just a few parts of your life?

 

You mentioned an eating disorder, one you think is so debilitating that it affects your romantic relationships. Can you say more? Not that you need to hear it from me, but right now it's more critical than ever to eat and sleep well. You can't hope to function or feel better if your body is out of balance.

[Els]

I am so sorry about your dad, smiley.

 

It's TOTALLY fine to pamper yourself with a vacation if you want to. Don't ever let anyone guilt you out of taking care of yourself!

 

Might it be a better idea to hold off on dating for the time being? FTR, I've seen your photos and you look great, but you're in a very difficult and vulnerable situation right now, and there are lots of *******s out there.

 

All the best.

[guest569]

Smiley,

 

First off, many hugs and lots of love to you. It's important you try to be social now, even when you don't feel like it, because you need support to help you carry your burdens. Are there just s few people you can trust with just a few parts of your life?

 

You mentioned an eating disorder, one you think is so debilitating that it affects your romantic relationships. Can you say more? Not that you need to hear it from me, but right now it's more critical than ever to eat and sleep well. You can't hope to function or feel better if your body is out of balance.

 

Hi lana, thanks for your support.

 

I think the eating disorder stemmed from depression or grief and seemed to flare up when I'm sad or go through a breakup. It hasn't really impacted on relationships but I think it's the other way around. When things are good and I'm happy, I eat well. When my moods go up and down I might eat and then feel guilty later and throw it up. Especially if I binge on bad stuff. I want to keep the good stuff down even at my worst, so the key is just not eating rubbish. My doctor thought that medication for depression would fix the disorder. Which might be true but I stopped taking it ages ago as I was convinced it was making me put on weight, which then made me feel down anyway.

 

Im doing OK now and trying to go to the gym nearly every day which makes me want to eat well to assist with my energy and muscle. But yeah it's complex and will always rear its head again.

[guest569]

I am so sorry about your dad, smiley.

 

It's TOTALLY fine to pamper yourself with a vacation if you want to. Don't ever let anyone guilt you out of taking care of yourself!

 

Might it be a better idea to hold off on dating for the time being? FTR, I've seen your photos and you look great, but you're in a very difficult and vulnerable situation right now, and there are lots of *******s out there.

 

All the best.

 

Hey Els, thanks for your support.

 

Hmm I actually went on the date and we seemed to hit it off. I'm working on myself and won't stop ever. My health is my priority and just trying to feel OK about life.

 

Im trying not to feel guilty about the trip.. Its scary but I've paid and planned most of it and think I'll feel fine once I go there and have a blast! It will all be worth it. Screw the mortgage. As long as I'm keeping up payments then I can do this.

[guest569]

I have been feeling OK this past week. I think I sometimes shut off my emotions a bit though. So I know there is deep sadness buried in there. But I'm fine with that because it's helping me cope. Other times the emotions take over so much that I cannot function very well, but I get by. PMS and alcohol bring out the sadness. I've been eating really well and exercising. I'm looking and feeling better. I'm almost slim again at last. I'll be OK.

[dancingintherain12]

I had a breakup about 4 months ago which has been tough to deal with. I feel so damn sad all of the time and miss him like crazy and wonder if I did the right thing. I wish we were still together. Even though there were some pretty bad times, the good times were beautiful and I am so lost and alone without him. I am so sad that I often just go to bed really early so I don't have to be awake. I've had 3 relationships and the breakups caused me a lot of pain and took a while to get over. I feel a bit exhausted from consecutive losses.<snip>

 

This makes me so sad to hear. Just wanted to let you know your comments in my thread really helped me. So I just wanted to extend a hand here. I know how hard break ups can be... I got out of a 2 year relationship a year ago. And that was pure AGONY. Going to work was super stressful. I had so much shifts I felt like I was losing my mind and also hated my manager. I felt like I was in a fake work place. I know how cheesy this sounds but the only thing that will make the hurt go away with your break up is time.. it literally took me 8 months to go out on ONE date after the break up. I just knew I wasn't ready. I was an emotional mess/basket case. You can look at my previous threads lol. What really helped me with my breakup is watching this youtube channel:

 

love advice TV.

 

What also really helped me was seeing a therapist. I stopped going after a while but I saw her for about 3-4 months and it was a good outlet. The break up still kind of hurts, but we made our way through and somehow we are friends now. What really helped me get over my break up was going on vacation... it helped me see theres more out there. I got to discover myself and have fun.

 

I hope this helped and I'll be praying for you. Idk how this site works, but if you can private message, feel free to message me if you ever need help. I remember I joined a facebook group with all girls dealing with ex boyfriend situations and I met someone on there who I still talk to this day- and she helped me get through it. I think instead of focusing on finding guys to date, you should try and find single girlfriends to just go to dinner with and when your heart is ready go out and try to have fun. It's normal when you're out trying to enjoy yourself you feel like your heart is still empty without the other person.. but I promise you, I swear, it will go away. If i can get through that pain, SO CAN YOU. I was a freaking MESS.

Edited September 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[dancingintherain12]

Hey Els, thanks for your support.

 

Hmm I actually went on the date and we seemed to hit it off. I'm working on myself and won't stop ever. My health is my priority and just trying to feel OK about life.

 

Im trying not to feel guilty about the trip.. Its scary but I've paid and planned most of it and think I'll feel fine once I go there and have a blast! It will all be worth it. Screw the mortgage. As long as I'm keeping up payments then I can do this.

 

OMG YAY! youre going on vacation.. it will help so so much. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY with my break up! Go live a little, dont worry about your debt right now. Im in 5k but I wouldnt trade that experience for a life time. Where are you going?!