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The burden of desire

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 12th August 2018, 2:42 PM   #1
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The burden of desire

So, I recently got out of a ~1 year relationship (her decision to end it) and this has been cause for some reflection on some things. I am a very idiosyncratic and introverted person, and the woman I was with was pretty much a perfect match for me, in terms of understanding (and sharing) my interests, idiosyncrasies, and having compatible personalities. These are all extreme rarities, I should note; I have little to nothing in common with ordinary people. She was also very physically attractive, which unfortunately seems to have ratcheted up my standards on that front. To be blunt, I don't think I would be interested in dating or sleeping with overweight women, as I had been before this relationship (I'll note I'm not a very attractive man, very short, as in just over 5'4, in addition to being very socially awkward).

The conclusion both this ratcheting up of my standards and the improbability of finding a better 'match' who reciprocates interest in me - and perhaps the influence of some recent Buddhist and vedic literature I've been reading - lead me to is the conclusion that, perhaps, it is best to eschew the pursuit of romantic and sexual gratification.

At risk of over-philosophizing the matter, perhaps, at least for some people, these desires should not be validated and indulged, especially if they are more a source of frustration and despair than of any sort of satisfaction, but treated as burdens to be disregarded or ignored or repressed. I know the customary response is to encourage people to "get back out there", "plenty of fish in the sea", etc., but I'm not sure I agree, at least in my case, that the pursuit is worth it. For some people maybe this isn't the best course; particularly for those (of us, I would say I guess) at the margins of the human psychological/personality distribution, it is best to just accept celibacy? I am tempted to just decide to try to find sufficient pleasure in music, reading, video games, etc. and try to disregard romantic and sexual desires.

Has anyone tried this, and have any ideas? Does it not sound plausible that perhaps this resignation is the best response to sexual and romantic frustrations?
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Old 13th August 2018, 10:32 PM   #2
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I think in the beginning of a break up, it can be easier to take this stance as a way to cope, however, itís likely that youíre putting your ex on a pedalstool right now and canít imagine finding anyone like her again. I can assure you sheís most likely not as perfect as youíd like to remember she was.

Iím fresh out of a breakup with a guy who was slightly overweight and shorter than me - two things I would have told you were a deal breaker a couple years ago, when I was frequenting loveshack trying to cope after my previous relationship ended. My ex ex bf could have come straight out of a fitness magazine.

I guess what Iím trying to say, at least from a girls perspective, is that attraction isnít all about looks. You sound smart and inquisitive. Iím an introvert too so I feel you there but sometimes opposites attract. You have a lot to offer someone else, it just might take a little bit of time to see that.
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Old 14th August 2018, 4:39 AM   #3
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You should do whatever you want, just don't complain about the consequences thereof.
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
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Old 14th August 2018, 4:59 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by HereAndThenGone View Post
I think in the beginning of a break up, it can be easier to take this stance as a way to cope
True. If you've had a great relationship, it can be hard to imagine ever finding that again. It's ok to just find other things that make you happy for a while. My guess is that in time you will get past this and get back out there. Sometimes it is easier to stay alone than go through the pain of dating people who just aren't any good and remind you of what you lost.
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