How to deal with regret?

[hope86]

What is the meaning of forgiving yourself? I dont really understand it. For example if you touch hot water, your hand burns. If you touch freezing water, hand freezes. But this forgiving oneself I can't feel it or measure it.

 

I have this regret and I don't know how to forgive myself. Is there a technique? Or is this just a platitude? Is it even doable?

 

Let's suppose I forgave myself, how do I know if it's working?

[guest569]

What is the meaning of forgiving yourself? I dont really understand it. For example if you touch hot water, your hand burns. If you touch freezing water, hand freezes. But this forgiving oneself I can't feel it or measure it.

 

I have this regret and I don't know how to forgive myself. Is there a technique? Or is this just a platitude? Is it even doable?

 

Let's suppose I forgave myself, how do I know if it's working?

 

That's a really tough question. For me, forgiveness is a feeling of comfort and acceptance. While the feeling of regret may never go away, forgiving yourself means that you accept that you can't change the past, and you learn to stop beating yourself up over whatever actions or decisions you made that you since regret. Forgiveness isn't something that I suddenly reach and then never go back. I often have back and forth. I may forgive myself temporarily and then go back to beating myself up over it, because it's an emotion that will change depending on how I'm feeling about life.

 

I'm feeling regret at the moment about my previous relationship. Some days I hate myself and tell myself that I am stupid and messed up. Other days I feel stronger and feel confident in my decision, with no regret.

[basil67]

I think it's a kind of "it is what it is" approach. Or "Sh*t happens". Accept that the thing has been done and there's nothing to do about it but learn from experience.

[BaileyB]

I don't think that anybody moves through life without some kind of regret... Nobody's life happens exactly the way they plan... Some things exceed our expectations, while other things just don't happen as we would hope.

 

For me, it's about finding something positive about that regret - learning from it, finding another way to bring a different meaning to your life. And remembering that you are who you are/where you are in your life because all experiences have lead you there... both good and bad. Again, it gives purpose to the bad experiences because they have lead you (hopefully) somewhere good.

 

Is your regret about a breakup? If that is the case, just know that it was not meant to be... That breakup has allowed you to be available for the next wonderful person to come along. All good things will be revealed in time - you will look back and know that it happened, just as it was supposed to happen...

Edited August 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[Ralph79]

Someone who needs to forgive themselves means they blame themselves for something first.

 

Sometimes that blame implies that they've hurt others or is simply due to missed opportunities.

 

And sometimes you might not be able to earn forgiveness of those you've hurt, and other times you might find it impossible to make amends for an error imputable solely to you.

 

One day, you may do something that will cause loved ones to turn their back on you. Religious aspects aside, there is 1 person in this world you will ALWAYS have to live with: Yourself. Because you can't turn your back on yourself, regardless of what you've done. You can live with regret, and you can live hating yourself. You can even go through life punishing yourself unintenionally.

 

Unless You begin Forgiving yourself. How ?

 

1.- Empathy

Before asking for forgiveness we need to understand the pain we caused. It's difficult because we all have different thresholds for physical and emotional pain. But it's important to have some empathy with those we seek forgiveness from. When we hurt someone we leave a scar on them that will forever change them in some way. People who accept that change in their lives may truly forgive us, but we have to respect the decisions and tasks they undertook to overcome the pain we caused, which leads me to the next step:

 

2.- Accountability

If after being forgiven , we still feel regret, it's because we've yet taken accountability for our mistakes. We have to do everything in our power to make amends for our errors. That comes after saying "I'm sorry". Sometimes that means fully supporting and being there for someone, and sometimes it means giving them space. Ultimately, true accountability comes by accepting their decision for better or worse.

 

3.- Enlightment

I would consider this the final phase towards forgiving ourselves. Human beings learn and grow from mistakes. If everything is perfect all the time, there is nothing to improve. There would be no room for growth. Life is many things, one of which is a series of mistakes and hardships followed by perseverance and triumphs. There can be no Love without Loneliness. There can be no Success without Failures. Mistakes are the beginning of a Journey that shapes who we Become.

 

My friend,

 

I read you other post. I know you are in pain. But as most of us , who have been in your situation, you are asking the wrong questions.

 

A.- Why weren't you ready to get married when the time came? Was it really because you have fear of commitment or because you needed more time with this girl and she wasn't willing to oblige ?

 

B.- She got engaged after 2-3 months of not talking to you after your breakup, because you wouldn't marry her. I have no right to say that her relationship isn't going to work out. I'm not a fortune teller. But someone who is willing to make a life-long commitment so soon, especially after breaking up with you, would have most likely been too chaotic for you to be with. I made the mistake of getting married too soon the first time, ignoring all red flags. I respect you for having doubts. Are you sure you want to marry a Woman who was willing to tie the knot with someone else so soon? Doesn't that make you think that she didn't value your relationship as much as you thought?

 

I will quote one of your posts: "she actually was obsessed with me till a certain point when I would tried to shrug her off. She kept saying that I love you and couldn't live without me"

 

What a different 2-3 Months make, don't you think?

 

C.- In my humble opinion, relationships like the one you described with her, that cause exceedingly abnormal amount of emotions out of you are not healthy. Ask yourself if you didn't confuse love for obsession. You probably know the answer to that. I have a gut feeling she will seek you out again, but dude , seriously, you are better off with someone who keeps your feet grounded , and doesn't leave you with Withdrawal Symptoms when she's not in your life.

 

Cheers man, I hope this provides food for thought.

[LuckyM]

Much has been published and written on this.

 

 

Psychologists say that we usually regret what we did not do or accomplish not so much what we did or the road we took.

 

 

You made the best decision you could at the time, ass,ming you tried to be rational. People act very irrationally at time and that is harder to forgive.

 

 

You do not know what would have happened if you chose differently, do you?

Maybe better or worse.

[hope86]

A.- Why weren't you ready to get married when the time came? Was it really because you have fear of commitment or because you needed more time with this girl and she wasn't willing to oblige ?

 

 

It was fear of commitment because I feared how would my job alone be enough to take care of kids as she said she didn't want to work after marriage. Maybe too futuristic and maybe I panicked but I can't say for sure if it was the right decision. The reason why it's hurting more now is because the girls who are showing interest in me now are not as good as her. To put it bluntly , if she was 9/10 the ones I meet now are not even 6 or 7/10 which is making me regret my decision.

 

B.- She got engaged after 2-3 months of not talking to you after your breakup, because you wouldn't marry her. I have no right to say that her relationship isn't going to work out. I'm not a fortune teller. But someone who is willing to make a life-long commitment so soon, especially after breaking up with you, would have most likely been too chaotic for you to be with. I made the mistake of getting married too soon the first time, ignoring all red flags. I respect you for having doubts. Are you sure you want to marry a Woman who was willing to tie the knot with someone else so soon? Doesn't that make you think that she didn't value your relationship as much as you thought?

 

It's different in Indian arranged marriages. I won't go further because you'll have to understand our culture first for me to expand on this.

 

I will quote one of your posts: "she actually was obsessed with me till a certain point when I would tried to shrug her off. She kept saying that I love you and couldn't live without me"

 

What a different 2-3 Months make, don't you think?

 

 

That is a question that I haven't quite come to terms with yet besides that since she was a quality girl I'm not surprised if she found someone equally good or better than me objectively speaking. And I believe girls move on quicker after breakups as they have more options.

 

C.- In my humble opinion, relationships like the one you described with her, that cause exceedingly abnormal amount of emotions out of you are not healthy. Ask yourself if you didn't confuse love for obsession. You probably know the answer to that. I have a gut feeling she will seek you out again, but dude , seriously, you are better off with someone who keeps your feet grounded , and doesn't leave you with Withdrawal Symptoms when she's not in your life.

 

Cheers man, I hope this provides food for thought.

 

 

Well I see your point but I think I'm more anxious about the fact that what if I get a girl now who is objectively worse than her(worse looking/less educated/fat/has a health problem)? Wouldn't my regret worsen?

 

I'm a strong believer in the belief that life is all about options. For example if I find a girl who is objectively better than her, my regret will disappear like it's nothing.

[Ralph79]

Well I see your point but I think I'm more anxious about the fact that what if I get a girl now who is objectively worse than her(worse looking/less educated/fat/has a health problem)? Wouldn't my regret worsen?

 

I'm a strong believer in the belief that life is all about options. For example if I find a girl who is objectively better than her, my regret will disappear like it's nothing.

 

Let me start off by stating that I am not qualified to give you proper advice due to cultural differences. So I have to agree to disagree with on several stances regarding marriage.

 

We have lived our entire lives by moral and ethic codes that we must not stray from so I respect that coming from a different culture , some principles will differ, although the good intentions and respect for each other should always universally exist.

 

Having said that, and with all due respect, your concerns regarding a partner seem a little short sighted. People in general should NEVER be "objectively" measured to one another. A girl can be a 10/10, intelligent, extremely attractive and charismatic, but that doesn't guarantee that you will be happy with her. Women are not trophies. They are not decorations that make us look better.

 

When looking for a partner, life has thought me that it's not about how they look, or how coveted they are. One of MANY important aspects in a relationship is how your partner makes you be a better person because they value you.

 

Hopefully one day you can appreciate the qualities in a person beyond the exterior. Maybe in your culture that is an acceptable course of action. If so I apologize for the misunderstanding.

[hope86]

Let me start off by stating that I am not qualified to give you proper advice due to cultural differences. So I have to agree to disagree with on several stances regarding marriage.

 

We have lived our entire lives by moral and ethic codes that we must not stray from so I respect that coming from a different culture , some principles will differ, although the good intentions and respect for each other should always universally exist.

 

Having said that, and with all due respect, your concerns regarding a partner seem a little short sighted. People in general should NEVER be "objectively" measured to one another. A girl can be a 10/10, intelligent, extremely attractive and charismatic, but that doesn't guarantee that you will be happy with her. Women are not trophies. They are not decorations that make us look better.

 

When looking for a partner, life has thought me that it's not about how they look, or how coveted they are. One of MANY important aspects in a relationship is how your partner makes you be a better person because they value you.

 

Hopefully one day you can appreciate the qualities in a person beyond the exterior. Maybe in your culture that is an acceptable course of action. If so I apologize for the misunderstanding.

 

 

Now I feel even worse because she trusted and believed in my abilities. Can't believe I let such a gem slip out of my hands. This regret is going to kill me.

[Ralph79]

The withdrawal is really killing me. One moment I'm like ok things will get better and it's actually better I broke up and the next moment I wish I was dead.

 

I feel such an emptiness in the pit of my stomach that I'm simply unable to perform any tasks.

 

I keep wishing that I get shot by some guy on the street. One bullet to the chest or head and all the pain is gone.

 

I can't even commit suicide because in my culture committing suicide is a sin and if you do it you'll be reborn as a rat or a chicken who can get slaughtered in a painful way.

 

I wanted to bring your reply on another person's thread back to your thread hope86.

 

Believe it or not I have been there. In fact about 4 years ago I was involved in a car crash that nearly killed me. Although suicidal thoughts had enter my mind I didn't crash on purpose. I would never put anyone else at risk like that. The only real casualty from that was my car.

 

But I remember coming out of that experience thinking to myself: "The pain could've been gone in a mere matter of seconds had things gone differently".

 

Four years ago I used to think that I lost the embodiment of perfection in the form of my Ex. I didn't know then how I would be able to forgive myself for not making our marriage interesting enough to keep her from leaving me.

 

All I can tell you hope86 is this:

 

a) At the time I wasn't ready to process reasonable answers.

b) I had no interest in ANYTHING. I simply wanted to focus on whatever helped ease the pain I felt from losing her.

c) I stopped living a normal life because I couldn't do anything that reminded me of her. I stopped listening to music for fear of hearing a song we used to hear. I stopped going to the movies because I didn't want to see sequels to anything we used to watch. I stopped talking to mutual friends.

 

It took me 2 years of living like a hermit , to get fed up of feeling the way I was feeling. I finally decided to ask another girl out and things didn't work out. As expected, I poured my soul out with that new GF and she knew I was still damaged goods from my divorce. I exposed myself to situations that made me relive my past relationship and I made things worse by talking about my past with my new GF. She had just broken off an 8 year relationship herself and honestly I felt like her punching bag at times. It felt at times like she was blaming me for not being more like her ex who she obviously missed. However I am happy to have met her because she helped me take 1 huge step in reforging my character. I ultimately was able to build the courage to end that relationship.

 

Ultimately I met a Woman who made me happy. Who gave me a beautiful Daughter and makes me feel grateful everyday I wake up.

 

I went on a really taxing journey to be ready to find someone I could trust and love again, and someone who felt the same way about me. My relationship with my current wife is by no means perfect, but I am happy with myself. With my Choices and with my Daughter and new family.

 

And even though life is good right now, I know nothing is guaranteed. I could get divorced again. I could lose them all. But I will NEVER lose my self-respect and dignity again.

 

I am grateful for the pain , for the anguish and the despair I felt during my divorce because it prepared me to face life and develop the character I needed to protect the people that TRULY love me.

 

The pain you are feeling is a wakeup call. It's not something I wish on anyone. Heartbreaks are an eye opening experiences, and although you lose your innocence , you will be more appreciative of future relationships because of them.

 

Like comedian Richard Pryor once joked:

 

"Men cannot graduate, until a woman breaks your F..ng heart. That is your Diploma".

 

Weather the Storm my friend. I guarantee you that you will be a better person because of what you are going through. Just make it through.

[hope86]

I wanted to bring your reply on another person's thread back to your thread hope86.

 

Believe it or not I have been there. In fact about 4 years ago I was involved in a car crash that nearly killed me. Although suicidal thoughts had enter my mind I didn't crash on purpose. I would never put anyone else at risk like that. The only real casualty from that was my car.

 

But I remember coming out of that experience thinking to myself: "The pain could've been gone in a mere matter of seconds had things gone differently".

 

Four years ago I used to think that I lost the embodiment of perfection in the form of my Ex. I didn't know then how I would be able to forgive myself for not making our marriage interesting enough to keep her from leaving me.

 

All I can tell you hope86 is this:

 

a) At the time I wasn't ready to process reasonable answers.

b) I had no interest in ANYTHING. I simply wanted to focus on whatever helped ease the pain I felt from losing her.

c) I stopped living a normal life because I couldn't do anything that reminded me of her. I stopped listening to music for fear of hearing a song we used to hear. I stopped going to the movies because I didn't want to see sequels to anything we used to watch. I stopped talking to mutual friends.

 

It took me 2 years of living like a hermit , to get fed up of feeling the way I was feeling. I finally decided to ask another girl out and things didn't work out. As expected, I poured my soul out with that new GF and she knew I was still damaged goods from my divorce. I exposed myself to situations that made me relive my past relationship and I made things worse by talking about my past with my new GF. She had just broken off an 8 year relationship herself and honestly I felt like her punching bag at times. It felt at times like she was blaming me for not being more like her ex who she obviously missed. However I am happy to have met her because she helped me take 1 huge step in reforging my character. I ultimately was able to build the courage to end that relationship.

 

Ultimately I met a Woman who made me happy. Who gave me a beautiful Daughter and makes me feel grateful everyday I wake up.

 

I went on a really taxing journey to be ready to find someone I could trust and love again, and someone who felt the same way about me. My relationship with my current wife is by no means perfect, but I am happy with myself. With my Choices and with my Daughter and new family.

 

And even though life is good right now, I know nothing is guaranteed. I could get divorced again. I could lose them all. But I will NEVER lose my self-respect and dignity again.

 

I am grateful for the pain , for the anguish and the despair I felt during my divorce because it prepared me to face life and develop the character I needed to protect the people that TRULY love me.

 

The pain you are feeling is a wakeup call. It's not something I wish on anyone. Heartbreaks are an eye opening experiences, and although you lose your innocence , you will be more appreciative of future relationships because of them.

 

Like comedian Richard Pryor once joked:

 

"Men cannot graduate, until a woman breaks your F..ng heart. That is your Diploma".

 

Weather the Storm my friend. I guarantee you that you will be a better person because of what you are going through. Just make it through.

 

Thank you for sharing. I have a couple of questions based on your experience -

 

1) Sorry for asking but if you're comfortable could you describe how you "got bored of the feeling and just snapped out of it" one fine day? How did that happen? Is it something that just snapped in your head? Did you wake up feeling that way? Why did it take 2 years and not 6 months or 3 months or 1 year? What could you have done to heal quicker?

 

2) I don't understand one thing. If heartbreak makes us better than we are before then what about people who never go through it? How come you don't wish for those to go through heartbreak then? Are we just saying this to make ourselves feel better or is it a fact?

 

I feel like I'm in a prison and the keys are forever lost.

[Beachead]

What is the meaning of forgiving yourself? I dont really understand it. For example if you touch hot water, your hand burns. If you touch freezing water, hand freezes. But this forgiving oneself I can't feel it or measure it.

 

I have this regret and I don't know how to forgive myself. Is there a technique? Or is this just a platitude? Is it even doable?

 

Let's suppose I forgave myself, how do I know if it's working?

 

Tough question but I'll try to give it my best answer.

 

I think it's about understanding the big picture of a situation and letting go of the things that you have no control over.

 

If you did something bad to someone that you regret or because of an inaction or lack of effort, something bad happened to you (Ex. Getting fired from a job. Kicked out of school) it's about understanding that who you were at that time doesn't imply you will remain like that for the rest of your life. You can change yourself so long as you have the will to, and are disciplined enough to put forth a consistent effort at correcting the behaviour that hurt the person or hurt yourself. Nothing is forever. Changes are possible. I know this because I was able to change some undesirable negative habits that were wired into my core. Granted it took a lot of years to do so, I still succeeded.

 

If someone hurt you..lets say broke up with you. Forgiving yourself is about understanding that not all the responsibility falls on you. Though you hold a degree of responsibility for how your partner feels, you cannot be held solely responsible. They are a variable that you you have minimal control over. They hold responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. Forgiveness of self in this case can also be understanding that you gave the best you had to give to that person given who you were at that time and there was nothing more you could have given or done unless you were someone else. It's not possible is it? You certainly can't pretend to be anyone else and you can't change overnight. What you had to give just wasn't good enough for them and there's was nothing you could do about that.

 

So, it's about letting go of these aspects of a situation that we cannot control and see the big picture.

 

- Beach

Edited August 12, 2018 by Beachead

[Ralph79]

Thank you for sharing. I have a couple of questions based on your experience -

 

1) Sorry for asking but if you're comfortable could you describe how you "got bored of the feeling and just snapped out of it" one fine day? How did that happen? Is it something that just snapped in your head? Did you wake up feeling that way? Why did it take 2 years and not 6 months or 3 months or 1 year? What could you have done to heal quicker?

 

2) I don't understand one thing. If heartbreak makes us better than we are before then what about people who never go through it? How come you don't wish for those to go through heartbreak then? Are we just saying this to make ourselves feel better or is it a fact?

 

I feel like I'm in a prison and the keys are forever lost.

 

Don’t feel sorry for asking . I will gladly answer any and all questions .

 

1) I wanted everyone to feel sorry about my situation . I wanted it to be the biggest tragedy in history . You couldn’t shut me up about my problems . Every friend I had knew how I felt until I fed them up . They wouldn’t tell me but I could tell they had enough of my misery . I alienated myself from almost everyone until I simply grew tired of feeling sorry for myself . It just happened . I knew I could keep triggering sadness and moodiness but I got fed up with it . I got fed up with how I was making those around me feel . I became disgusted with the idea of longing for my ex . I didn’t do it purposely but over the course of 2 years my brain associated my depressive lifestyle with longing for my ex , which is why I decided to stop .

 

What can help you “snap out of it” sooner ? Probably more physical social interaction . At first you think it doesn’t help , and I tried everything , running on the beach on a regular basis , took cooking classes , tried to learn a new programming language ... in short everything but dating .

 

I felt nervous at everything I tried , but I pushed myself to do it , and little by little , those social interactions help deflate the intensity or importance my brain had allocated to the “Tragedy” that was divorcing my ex . It never felt like they helped , but looking back , they actually did help . A lot . Had I been more active socially , I would’ve overcome my ordeal much sooner .

 

2) Ever heard the phrase Ignorance is Bliss? . I’m happy for those who live their lives without heartbreak . But it’s like kids who believe in Santa . If they can live their whole lives with that tradition , good for them , but sooner or later , reality sets in . Perhaps that’s a bad analogy but what In trying to say is heartbreak forces you to do some serious soul searching which otherwise you never would have the need to do . And I feel like it’s opened the doors to a new reality . Some of mankind’s greatest accomplishments come from broken hearts , be ir literature , music or other Arts .

 

The keys to your prison are within your soul . You’ll reach out for them when you are ready .

[Beachead]

Don’t feel sorry for asking . I will gladly answer any and all questions .

 

1) I wanted everyone to feel sorry about my situation . I wanted it to be the biggest tragedy in history . You couldn’t shut me up about my problems . Every friend I had knew how I felt until I fed them up . They wouldn’t tell me but I could tell they had enough of my misery . I alienated myself from almost everyone until I simply grew tired of feeling sorry for myself . It just happened . I knew I could keep triggering sadness and moodiness but I got fed up with it . I got fed up with how I was making those around me feel . I became disgusted with the idea of longing for my ex . I didn’t do it purposely but over the course of 2 years my brain associated my depressive lifestyle with longing for my ex , which is why I decided to stop .

 

What can help you “snap out of it” sooner ? Probably more physical social interaction . At first you think it doesn’t help , and I tried everything , running on the beach on a regular basis , took cooking classes , tried to learn a new programming language ... in short everything but dating .

 

I felt nervous at everything I tried , but I pushed myself to do it , and little by little , those social interactions help deflate the intensity or importance my brain had allocated to the “Tragedy” that was divorcing my ex . It never felt like they helped , but looking back , they actually did help . A lot . Had I been more active socially , I would’ve overcome my ordeal much sooner .

 

2) Ever heard the phrase Ignorance is Bliss? . I’m happy for those who live their lives without heartbreak . But it’s like kids who believe in Santa . If they can live their whole lives with that tradition , good for them , but sooner or later , reality sets in . Perhaps that’s a bad analogy but what In trying to say is heartbreak forces you to do some serious soul searching which otherwise you never would have the need to do . And I feel like it’s opened the doors to a new reality . Some of mankind’s greatest accomplishments come from broken hearts , be ir literature , music or other Arts .

 

The keys to your prison are within your soul . You’ll reach out for them when you are ready .

 

I know exactly what you mean. Just like how your divorce sent you down a path where you had to hit rock bottom to rediscover yourself, I went through my own set of circumstances and am currently on a similar path and everything you are describing about it really hits home.

Edited August 12, 2018 by Beachead

[Ralph79]

I know exactly what you mean. Just like how your divorce sent you down a path where you had to hit rock bottom to rediscover yourself, I went through my own set of circumstances and am currently on a similar path and everything you are describing about it really hits home.

 

Yeah , as I told posters before , there are a lot of us here with a story to tell , that can either help others on their way to recovery or at least soothe the pain .

 

I came back to post here after a long hiatus . But I come now from a place of gratitude to these forums and not from despair as it was when I first came here.

 

I am grateful for any poster willing to share their lives with the sole purpose of helping others . Based on your other posts Beach , I’d say you have your situation under control , and I applaud you for that . I see your situation has given you the wisdom to help others on their way .

[hope86]

Don’t feel sorry for asking . I will gladly answer any and all questions .

 

1) I wanted everyone to feel sorry about my situation . I wanted it to be the biggest tragedy in history . You couldn’t shut me up about my problems . Every friend I had knew how I felt until I fed them up . They wouldn’t tell me but I could tell they had enough of my misery . I alienated myself from almost everyone until I simply grew tired of feeling sorry for myself . It just happened . I knew I could keep triggering sadness and moodiness but I got fed up with it . I got fed up with how I was making those around me feel . I became disgusted with the idea of longing for my ex . I didn’t do it purposely but over the course of 2 years my brain associated my depressive lifestyle with longing for my ex , which is why I decided to stop .

 

What can help you “snap out of it” sooner ? Probably more physical social interaction . At first you think it doesn’t help , and I tried everything , running on the beach on a regular basis , took cooking classes , tried to learn a new programming language ... in short everything but dating .

 

I felt nervous at everything I tried , but I pushed myself to do it , and little by little , those social interactions help deflate the intensity or importance my brain had allocated to the “Tragedy” that was divorcing my ex . It never felt like they helped , but looking back , they actually did help . A lot . Had I been more active socially , I would’ve overcome my ordeal much sooner .

 

2) Ever heard the phrase Ignorance is Bliss? . I’m happy for those who live their lives without heartbreak . But it’s like kids who believe in Santa . If they can live their whole lives with that tradition , good for them , but sooner or later , reality sets in . Perhaps that’s a bad analogy but what In trying to say is heartbreak forces you to do some serious soul searching which otherwise you never would have the need to do . And I feel like it’s opened the doors to a new reality . Some of mankind’s greatest accomplishments come from broken hearts , be ir literature , music or other Arts .

 

The keys to your prison are within your soul . You’ll reach out for them when you are ready .

 

 

So how do I start dating if all the girls I'm meeting now are below par? I'm simply not connecting with them.

[Ralph79]

So how do I start dating if all the girls I'm meeting now are below par? I'm simply not connecting with them.

 

Step 1:

Forget the Girl you are longing for.

 

Step 2:

Make a list of attributes and qualities of what you would deem an "Up to Par" girl would need to have. [smart, Sexy, Funny, Gorgeous, Athletic, etc.... It's your list]

 

Step 3:

Make a list of the attributes and qualities a girl like that would look for in a Partner. [Rich, Handsome, Smart, etc... You write what you think she would want in a guy]

 

Step 4:

Analyze this list and compare those attributes to your own.

 

If you don't have the qualities to get the attention of an "Up to Par Girl", then guess what? , you will attract girls that are not "Up to Par" with your standards.

 

So What do you have to do? Work in developing the skills and attributes needed to get the type of girl you are looking for. Life might drop another beauty on your lap, but if you are not prepared , it won't last. Go work out, educate yourself, work hard.

 

I know you like looking at things objectively , so I'll put this in objective terms. Raise your value in the eyes of others, and people with a higher value in your eyes will begin to approach you. Simple as that.

[Beachead]

Step 1:

Forget the Girl you are longing for.

 

Step 2:

Make a list of attributes and qualities of what you would deem an "Up to Par" girl would need to have. [smart, Sexy, Funny, Gorgeous, Athletic, etc.... It's your list]

 

Step 3:

Make a list of the attributes and qualities a girl like that would look for in a Partner. [Rich, Handsome, Smart, etc... You write what you think she would want in a guy]

 

Step 4:

Analyze this list and compare those attributes to your own.

 

If you don't have the qualities to get the attention of an "Up to Par Girl", then guess what? , you will attract girls that are not "Up to Par" with your standards.

 

So What do you have to do? Work in developing the skills and attributes needed to get the type of girl you are looking for. Life might drop another beauty on your lap, but if you are not prepared , it won't last. Go work out, educate yourself, work hard.

 

I know you like looking at things objectively , so I'll put this in objective terms. Raise your value in the eyes of others, and people with a higher value in your eyes will begin to approach you. Simple as that.

 

^Boom.

 

It's a tough thing to understand but let go of your need of wanting a relationship or a woman so that every move you make in your life, will be genuinely for you and you only. It's got to be about you. If you develop a life that makes you feel alive, it'll show in the way you carry yourself. The way you speak. Everything. And it'll be natural. It won't be forced. You won't have to fake it. People will pick up on the vibe you are putting out. Women included. But nobody's going to save you but you. Love, women, people, any kind of relationship (Familial, Friendship, Romantic etc.) are all variable. They can change because people have free will. To count on them to be the only thing that can make you happy is a death sentence.

 

Instead, turn the focus inwards where you have 100% control. It takes the helplessness away because what you put in, you get out. Your results are function of your discipline to your dreams. Think about what gets you out of bed in the morning. What qualities in other people do you admire that you wish you had for yourself? How do you get those qualities? What work do you have to put in? Where do you want to be academically, or in career? How do you get there? Turn it all inwards.

 

I had spent most my life never thinking about myself because I was too afraid to grow up. (There's a story for that but it'd make this post longer than it will be so I'll leave it out.) Afraid to face myself. It was easier for me to focus on others and give to them so I used other people to avoid dealing with myself. That also included relationships. I made people my life and when they changed as people do and moved to the next stage of their life. Maybe they moved away. Maybe they stopped talking to me because they were busy. Whatever it was, my whole life fell apart because I had nothing else going for me. Seeing that, I finally accepted it. That was the first step. The next step was taking responsibility for myself. Started to notice how my choices affected me. From there I started focusing on making better choices. That changed my social life. That changed my grades in undergrad. It changed the people started seeing me. It took a few more years for me to learn how to walk away from people and learn how to say "no."

 

It wasn't until last year, when I let another relationship distract me when I knew I shouldn't have, that I got that fed up point that Ralph79 was talking about. It was the cherry on top. 15 years worth of failures all on my back and I wanted to end my life. It was from that state of mind, I saw what really kept me going. I'm a stubborn guy so it took years to arrive to this point. I had to make 100's of different mistakes and the same mistake 100 times to get to that emotional state that pushed me in the necessary direction I needed to go in.

 

I got myself therapy on my birthday along with some subsequent sessions in the months that followed. I slowly pulled myself back up. Started going back to the gym. I pulled away from my social life. I didn't show up to some weddings, or birthdays and didn't care because I knew I needed the to stay focused. People got mad for that but I stayed strong. I stopped dating because I didn't want anything to do with that either for a long time. Started planning out my academic goals and returned to school for post-graduate studies this January and I'm finishing that program in 2 weeks. I have my plan burned into my head now because I've been telling myself what they are and writing them down for years. It's all see now. All the short-term, midterm, and long-term goals are there. None of which has anything to do with attaining a woman. This was what I wanted so it clicked. I look at the results over the last year, and it's incredible to me.

 

And the key thing here is, as I've been accomplishing things I never thought I could, my confidence has been climbing. My wounds have been healing. I've started to return to socializing and it's so much more natural and easier for me. I have no woman in my life..but I'm largely at peace. No person single-handedly brought me this happiness. It was me that did it. What I wrote here is how I managed to get there.

 

So it is internal..and that's why I can validate exactly what Ralph79 is telling you. Though I'd say I'm still dealing with some despair myself, I'm on the upward part of that path he described and I'm seeing the results as they unfold.

 

- Beach

Edited August 12, 2018 by Beachead

[hope86]

Step 1:

Forget the Girl you are longing for.

 

Step 2:

Make a list of attributes and qualities of what you would deem an "Up to Par" girl would need to have. [smart, Sexy, Funny, Gorgeous, Athletic, etc.... It's your list]

 

Step 3:

Make a list of the attributes and qualities a girl like that would look for in a Partner. [Rich, Handsome, Smart, etc... You write what you think she would want in a guy]

 

Step 4:

Analyze this list and compare those attributes to your own.

 

If you don't have the qualities to get the attention of an "Up to Par Girl", then guess what? , you will attract girls that are not "Up to Par" with your standards.

 

So What do you have to do? Work in developing the skills and attributes needed to get the type of girl you are looking for. Life might drop another beauty on your lap, but if you are not prepared , it won't last. Go work out, educate yourself, work hard.

 

I know you like looking at things objectively , so I'll put this in objective terms. Raise your value in the eyes of others, and people with a higher value in your eyes will begin to approach you. Simple as that.

 

 

The problem with what you're saying is that it's not as simple as you're saying specially when it comes to looks.

 

I'm into good looking girls and unfortunately no matter how hard I try I can't reach that level so does that mean I should marry an ugly looking girl who I'm not attracted to or do I just keep waiting and waiting till a girl I'm attracted to falls in my lap?

 

I hope you realise there are some things which we can't change so what are we supposed to do?

 

I need you to understand that I really got lucky with that girl. Think of it like I was lucky to stumble on a 4k carat diamond and I voluntarily gave her up, didn't even lose her like many do. How does one recover from something like that? Trust me I've had breakups before and I could atleast point to some flaw they had but this one had only one flaw which is she didnt wanna work after marriage which could've been worked out.

 

If she was fat that's impossible to change pretty much. If she had AIDS it would've been impossible to change. But I could've worked with her reluctance to work after marriage that's why this regret is hurting me so bad cause I feel I should've gone for it and things may have worked out.

Edited August 12, 2018 by hope86

[Ralph79]

The problem with what you're saying is that it's not as simple as you're saying specially when it comes to looks.

 

I'm into good looking girls and unfortunately no matter how hard I try I can't reach that level

 

Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy . And believe me , there is more than just beauty when it comes to fully appreciating a Woman .

 

I understand that you come from a different culture . But regardless of that , everything in life has a solution . You can do and achieve almost anything you set your mind to , if you work hard enough , and more importantly if you are willing to pay the price and face the consequences .

 

To this day I have yet to see somone who had a more beautiful face than my Ex. I have had the good fortune to travel to several countries , and meet people from all walks of life , rich and poor alike . With all due respect to my current Wife whom I love dearly , my Ex defined what a perfect woman should look like . If I could turn back time and try again , would I make sure I wouldnt lose her again ? HELL NO . I would dump her first . For all her beauty I never have met a more shallow , racist, bipolar gold digger .

 

Over the course of these past 5 years I developed the confidence in myself to say I deserve better and I can honestly say “Good Luck” to whatever chump ended up with her .

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so i cannot compare her to your Ex , but I can tell you one thing from personal experience friend :

 

If your self esteem is that low , that you think you cant get a woman like her ever again in your life , let me give you a glimpse of what was going to happen had you not backed out of marrying her ... she wouldve left you.

 

And since looks seem like the most important attribute you value in a Woman , then let me give you a shortcut to get another pretty face :

 

Work your Butt Off and Get Rich . You will come by a lot of pretty smiles once you have enough . But as I said at the beginning , be prepared to deal with the consequences . Beauty is sometimes only skin deep . Be careful what you wish for .

[hope86]

Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy . And believe me , there is more than just beauty when it comes to fully appreciating a Woman .

 

I understand that you come from a different culture . But regardless of that , everything in life has a solution . You can do and achieve almost anything you set your mind to , if you work hard enough , and more importantly if you are willing to pay the price and face the consequences .

 

To this day I have yet to see somone who had a more beautiful face than my Ex. I have had the good fortune to travel to several countries , and meet people from all walks of life , rich and poor alike . With all due respect to my current Wife whom I love dearly , my Ex defined what a perfect woman should look like . If I could turn back time and try again , would I make sure I wouldnt lose her again ? HELL NO . I would dump her first . For all her beauty I never have met a more shallow , racist, bipolar gold digger .

 

Over the course of these past 5 years I developed the confidence in myself to say I deserve better and I can honestly say “Good Luck” to whatever chump ended up with her .

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so i cannot compare her to your Ex , but I can tell you one thing from personal experience friend :

 

If your self esteem is that low , that you think you cant get a woman like her ever again in your life , let me give you a glimpse of what was going to happen had you not backed out of marrying her ... she wouldve left you.

 

And since looks seem like the most important attribute you value in a Woman , then let me give you a shortcut to get another pretty face :

 

Work your Butt Off and Get Rich . You will come by a lot of pretty smiles once you have enough . But as I said at the beginning , be prepared to deal with the consequences . Beauty is sometimes only skin deep . Be careful what you wish for .

 

 

That's the thing though my ex was the perfect combination of compassion and decent looks. She wasn't a runaway model but she had enough looks for me to appreciate combined with a good heart. That is why it is so hard. What I got was a keeper , the perfect bride and I blew it. I just cannot believe I didn't marry her. It's like god gave me a gift and all I had to do was accept it and I couldn't even do that. God it hurts so bad.

 

Imagine she kept at it even when she knew I was seeing other girls on dating apps. Till I myself told her to start seeing other guys as she kept bugging me with questions about other girls even when I tried telling her that she's the only one I truly loved.

 

You don't find girls like that, you just don't.

Edited August 12, 2018 by hope86

[Beachead]

The problem with what you're saying is that it's not as simple as you're saying specially when it comes to looks.

 

I'm into good looking girls and unfortunately no matter how hard I try I can't reach that level so does that mean I should marry an ugly looking girl who I'm not attracted to or do I just keep waiting and waiting till a girl I'm attracted to falls in my lap?

 

I hope you realise there are some things which we can't change so what are we supposed to do?

 

I need you to understand that I really got lucky with that girl. Think of it like I was lucky to stumble on a 4k carat diamond and I voluntarily gave her up, didn't even lose her like many do. How does one recover from something like that? Trust me I've had breakups before and I could atleast point to some flaw they had but this one had only one flaw which is she didnt wanna work after marriage which could've been worked out.

 

If she was fat that's impossible to change pretty much. If she had AIDS it would've been impossible to change. But I could've worked with her reluctance to work after marriage that's why this regret is hurting me so bad cause I feel I should've gone for it and things may have worked out.

 

At that time, her not wanting to work after marriage was obviously important for you enough to warrant it as a deal breaker and let the relationship go. I wouldn't play that down if I were you. There was a legitimate reasoning to your thought process.

 

My suggestions to you is to write in a notebook, the reasons why you ended it. Just free-write the thoughts onto paper regarding that topic and see what comes out of your mind. You'll be surprised.

 

I think you're catching fear that you'll be alone for the rest of your life and out of that fear, you are latching onto the closest thing to companionship/intimacy you had even though it wasn't what you wanted.

 

- Beach

[hope86]

At that time, her not wanting to work after marriage was obviously important for you enough to warrant it as a deal breaker and let the relationship go. I wouldn't play that down if I were you. There was a legitimate reasoning to your thought process.

 

My suggestions to you is to write in a notebook, the reasons why you ended it. Just free-write the thoughts onto paper regarding that topic and see what comes out of your mind. You'll be surprised.

 

I think you're catching fear that you'll be alone for the rest of your life and out of that fear, you are latching onto the closest thing to companionship/intimacy you had even though it wasn't what you wanted.

 

- Beach

 

Interesting. I feel I can get another girl but she wont be as good. That's the anxiety that is causing this I guess.

 

I will try what you suggested, thank you!

[Beachead]

Interesting. I feel I can get another girl but she wont be as good. That's the anxiety that is causing this I guess.

 

I will try what you suggested, thank you!

 

Same idea. Both are indicative of your fears that you will not have something similar in the future. Therefore the same technique can be used.

 

Keep your mind open and explore whats going on within you. You probably don't see it right now but the absolute crappiest moments in our lives are the only times where we have we can establish a strong connection with ourselves and learn from it. Our emotions are heightened and thus, we can actually use this to help push us in a particular direction we've always wanted to go in our life. When things are going well, our emotions level off, we become complacent and in that complacency, we lose this connection as we settle out in the comforts of life. Use this as an opportunity and take advantage of it. Hope it works for you.

 

- Beach

[hope86]

Can't help but bump this but damn still hurts and still feel I'll never get over this.