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Struggling after 3 years of breaking up.


annalilian26

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annalilian26

Hello, this one is quite a detailed and complicated post, so apologies in advance:

 

I (27F) was in a 7 year relationship from 17-24 with a very wonderful man (31) who I consider one of the best people I have ever known. This guy absolutely adored me and he had so many special qualities in that he was kind, loyal and an absolute gentleman. When we were together, I felt so much pride being with someone as wonderful as him.

 

Three years ago, he broke it off with me as he had fallen out of love. The break up sure was painful, however I am impressed with how well I handled it at the time. He had regrets about this and came back after 6 months wanting me back and swore that it was his drinking and depression (which he had never once told me about) that caused him to break up with me recklessly. After breaking up, I went on a lot of dates and came to the realisation that our relationship lacked passion. I realised that I was not able to genuinely enjoy physical intimacy with him after 7 years together as it felt almost like he was a family member. I also felt that he drank too much and could see that it could cause problems later on down the track as our relationship got older.

 

Things got EXTREMELY complicated and dysfunctional from here-

 

I was planning on moving to a bigger city and like me, he always wanted to move there too. As we had stayed friends, he wanted to move there at the same time and share a place with me temporarily while we both were settling in the city. My parents were worried about me moving there alone and they urged that I live with him for a short time as they were worried about me and knew him well and knew that he would take good care of me. I stupidly went ahead with this arrangement out of fear of the unknown and what was supposed to be only a couple of months was a whole lot longer.

 

We ended up living together for a year and 6 months (same house, separate rooms and bed, no physical intimacy). He struggled to find employment and became depressed, so I didn't want to kick him out but I did urge the importance of him finding a new place to live. Unfortunately a few months after my move, I got hit hard with major depression and anxiety due to the move and I had to quit my job as it had become unmanageable. When this happened, he devoted himself entirely to caring for me and stated that he believes he was put on this earth to help me get better and that he wanted to take on all the pain I was experiencing and endure it himself rather than have me deal with it. With his support, therapy and medical treatment I eventually got myself back on my feet and was able to work again.

 

For the whole duration of this time, he was pining for me to go back to him and I was riddled with so much guilt for not being capable of letting myself go back with him, especially with how well he was treating me. Basically, I felt this massive force field halting me from going back to him. It almost felt that I had turned the page onto a new chapter and I couldn't go back. Unfortunately the guilt for not taking him back was so immense and it broke my heart seeing the sadness in his eyes when I told him I wasn't able to do it and at the time I wished so much for him to meet a lovely girl. I couldn't really understand my logic for not wanting him back, considering that I would pursue other men who treated me so poorly, who were far more unstable than he was. I guess at the time I felt that I had no other relationship to compare this to, therefore I couldn't possibly know if this was the right decision or whether there was someone out there that would be a better fit for me and for this reason I felt it would be a dishonour to him to go back when my heart was not fully in it.

 

In April last year he had met a girl who he worked with and declared to me that he had fallen in love with her and was going to move out. I had wished that this would happen, however when it actually did, it turned my world upside down and I got into an even worse episode of depression than before and I had to be hospitalised for a month. When he revealed the news to me I broke down uncontrollably and asked if he would ever take me back if it didn't work out with her and he declined saying that he doesn't love me and he has realised that in the time that he wanted me back he was lonely and not actually genuinely in love.

 

It has been a year since this all happened and since then I have started a new career which I enjoy and I have continued to date in hopes of meeting another nice man. Unfortunately, all the men I have gotten involved with have been very disrespectful of me, non-committal or emotionally unavailable. I do put this to me not being in the best headspace and perhaps not picking them wisely due to my low self-esteem, however these accumulated experiences act as a reminder of how well he treated me and how much he loved me and I constantly find myself questioning whether I will ever find someone who will love me like that again. Him and I no longer speak as it is obviously too painful with his new partner and I know that he is so happy and in love and I don't want my presence in his life to ruin this for him.

 

I have been working really hard on getting myself better with therapy and treatment, as well as putting my heart and soul into developing a new social life in this city, but my world is filled with immense loneliness that I fear will never go away and I am anxious every day about my decision to let him go, especially considering that it was 3 years ago that we broke up. It really concerns me that I feel more broken about this happening 3 years later, compared to how well I handled it when it actually happened.

 

I was wondering if anyone might relate to any of my experiences and might have an insight/perspective to share as to how I can improve my mindset moving forward?

 

I really appreciate your time and support in advance.

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It really concerns me that I feel more broken about this happening 3 years later, compared to how well I handled it when it actually happened.

 

I was wondering if anyone might relate to any of my experiences and might have an insight/perspective to share as to how I can improve my mindset moving forward?

 

I really appreciate your time and support in advance.

 

Im wondering whether you ever actually acknowledge or grieved the breakup that occurred 3 years ago. It seems that you remained friends and lived together and you were still part f each others lives, and now that he is in a new relationship it has finally hit you that it's over. I doubt that you actually want him again as you had legit concerns holding you back from resuming the relationship. Like him, you're feeling lonely at the prospect of your only friend in this new city is going off with someone else.

 

Not sure if this is helpful but these were my initial thoughts. I can also relate to having a sort of delayed response to grief particularly with relationships. The 3 year delay seems like you have been in denial as you're still together as friends and supporting each other. So the breakup hasn't really even started yet.

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Three years ago, he broke it off with me as he had fallen out of love. The break up sure was painful, however I am impressed with how well I handled it at the time. He had regrets about this and came back after 6 months wanting me back and swore that it was his drinking and depression (which he had never once told me about) that caused him to break up with me recklessly.

 

I am going to make some assumptions.

 

a) I'd like to believe you 2 are wonderful people.

b) Your relationship grew stagnant after 7 years.

c) I think you both were aware that even though you treated each other respectfully, somehow you guys stopped working on your relationship and merely grew comfortable in each other's presence.

 

A long term commitment or marriage isn't a finish line that couples can cross and rest on their laurels afterwards. It requires constant attention. A lot of people (myself included in the past), made the mistake of thinking that if we simply follow the routine of "holding up our end of the bargain" (so to speak), that everything will be perpetually stable. This is not the case. A relationship requires growth, challenges, goals.

 

In a work-relationship between you and a company, you expect to be compensated for hard work. And even if you are paid a high wage for work you do, eventually it's not enough. You start noticing what co-workers earn for the work you do. You start expecting a raise. Sooner or later you seek new challenges. Good companies have a platform where employees can advance their careers, get promotions, earn more money because they have ways to channel your production properly and everybody wins.

 

A personal relationship has similar traits. People grow, we have ambitions, we want to feel useful, appreciated, loved. Everyday I tell my wife I love her, and she does the same, but on top of that I tell her that aside from all her negative qualities (and I mention each and everyone that occurs to me at that moment), there is no one else I rather be with than her, because thanks to the love and support I get from her , my DAY was stable , my DAY was great, my DAY was amazing. It's not enough to tell your partner you love them; every now and then you have to explain Why, or better yet Show them.

 

I was planning on moving to a bigger city and like me, he always wanted to move there too. As we had stayed friends, he wanted to move there at the same time and share a place with me temporarily while we both were settling in the city. My parents were worried about me moving there alone and they urged that I live with him for a short time as they were worried about me and knew him well and knew that he would take good care of me. I stupidly went ahead with this arrangement out of fear of the unknown and what was supposed to be only a couple of months was a whole lot longer.

 

Part of the excitement of moving out, specially to a big city IS the unknown. Why go through all the trouble? You took big steps in your life, that could have had a tremendous positive impact, but then immidately backtracked:

 

a) You started dating once your BF broke off a 7 year relationship. This was your opportunity to meet someone not necesarilly better, but different, and learn to appreciate different qualities in a human being. It's not just about the way someone treats you, it's also about WHO you become with someone, because different people bring out different qualities in all of us, and some bring out the best in us. But you decided to stay friends with this guy and thus never really tore the umbilical cord (so to speak). It's awkward for any guy to date someone who is good friends with an EX of a 7 year old relationship. You didn't need that cloud hanging over you when you could started off fresh.

 

b) You move out into a big city. Awesome move. It shows resolve, character, courage. This is was one of the most important decisions in your life. But then you bring HIM along and move in together. You pretty much brought your home and your past with you , again not really letting you grow as a person.

 

We ended up living together for a year and 6 months (same house, separate rooms and bed, no physical intimacy). He struggled to find employment and became depressed, so I didn't want to kick him out but I did urge the importance of him finding a new place to live.

 

This was the source of your dysfunction. You are living with a guy who expected to reconcile with you , and you shut him out for a year and a half. Believe me, he was in hell during this time, and you were obviously uncomfortable to say the least. Having to live with a guy who is obsessed with you and adores you and puts you on a pedestal, but for whom you have no romantic feelings left is the worst torture all parties can go through which will only lead to your inevitable reaction:

 

Unfortunately a few months after my move, I got hit hard with major depression and anxiety due to the move and I had to quit my job as it had become unmanageable. When this happened, he devoted himself entirely to caring for me and stated that he believes he was put on this earth to help me get better and that he wanted to take on all the pain I was experiencing and endure it himself rather than have me deal with it. With his support, therapy and medical treatment I eventually got myself back on my feet and was able to work again.

 

For the whole duration of this time, he was pining for me to go back to him and I was riddled with so much guilt for not being capable of letting myself go back with him, especially with how well he was treating me. Basically, I felt this massive force field halting me from going back to him. It almost felt that I had turned the page onto a new chapter and I couldn't go back. Unfortunately the guilt for not taking him back was so immense and it broke my heart seeing the sadness in his eyes when I told him I wasn't able to do it and at the time I wished so much for him to meet a lovely girl.

 

Of course you became depressed under this situation you put yourself in. You are stuck with a guy who you know will crumble if you enter a stable relationship with anyone else. You can't enjoy your life fully because he is always there. And to make matters worse, you allowed him to cater to your every need. You went along with his BS belief that he was "put on this earth for you". How can anyone fall in love with a man who has no outright purpose to his life for himself. Of course you are going to reject him. As kind as he may be , no Woman wants to be the GF/Partner/Wife of their servant. You were being guilt tripped throughout this whole ordeal and honestly it's sad that he had to resort to this.

 

This man needed his space, but he was unwilling to let you go. And you were afraid to be alone and face life's challenges by yourself without his help. At this point of your relationship you both are doing a ton of harm to each other without even realizing it.

 

I couldn't really understand my logic for not wanting him back, considering that I would pursue other men who treated me so poorly, who were far more unstable than he was. I guess at the time I felt that I had no other relationship to compare this to, therefore I couldn't possibly know if this was the right decision or whether there was someone out there that would be a better fit for me and for this reason I felt it would be a dishonour to him to go back when my heart was not fully in it.

 

The logic for your choice is simple. You wanted (and needed) a relationship with a Man who treated you like a Woman. You were sick and tired of being treated like a goddess . Tired of being put on that mile high pedestal. Pedestals and nice every now and then, but not only does it get lonely up there by yourself, all Women who are put on pedestals eventually fall. That's the problem with the "Nice Guys". They exert so much unseen pressure over their partners by doing and sacrificing everything for them, that sooner or later they play the victim card or worse, the guilt trips to get what they want out of you.

 

In April last year he had met a girl who he worked with and declared to me that he had fallen in love with her and was going to move out. I had wished that this would happen, however when it actually did, it turned my world upside down and I got into an even worse episode of depression than before and I had to be hospitalised for a month. When he revealed the news to me I broke down uncontrollably and asked if he would ever take me back if it didn't work out with her and he declined saying that he doesn't love me and he has realised that in the time that he wanted me back he was lonely and not actually genuinely in love.

 

Like I said, that's the thing with Pedestals....

 

You grew dependent on his attention. Don't worry, fortunately over the course of time, and action on your part, you will get over it. And although this shouldn't matter, I will tell you anyways... I don't know if your EX went to therapy to get over you, or if he had a traumatic even in his life, but if he didn't take the proper steps to overcome what he went through with you, chances are he will also put this new girl on a pedestal as well and make the same mistakes.

 

It has been a year since this all happened and since then I have started a new career which I enjoy and I have continued to date in hopes of meeting another nice man. Unfortunately, all the men I have gotten involved with have been very disrespectful of me, non-committal or emotionally unavailable. I do put this to me not being in the best headspace and perhaps not picking them wisely due to my low self-esteem, however these accumulated experiences act as a reminder of how well he treated me and how much he loved me and I constantly find myself questioning whether I will ever find someone who will love me like that again. Him and I no longer speak as it is obviously too painful with his new partner and I know that he is so happy and in love and I don't want my presence in his life to ruin this for him.

 

You need to stop looking for someone who treats you "as well" as he did. What he did was not good for you (In my Opinion). He made you dependent on him. Your subconscious was telling you as much, that is why you kept rejecting him afterwards. I'm not saying you should stay with someone that disrespects you, but you have to re-learn to appreciate a Man for who he is, what he brings to a relationship, how he treats you and more importantly how he makes you feel. It's nice to feel loved, but it's also nice to feel useful, important, appreciated & independant.

 

Look for a person you can love, respect and connect with. You probably did love you EX, but I felt more pity than respect for him, and obviously you and him lost the ability to connect to each other long ago.

 

I have been working really hard on getting myself better with therapy and treatment, as well as putting my heart and soul into developing a new social life in this city, but my world is filled with immense loneliness that I fear will never go away and I am anxious every day about my decision to let him go, especially considering that it was 3 years ago that we broke up. It really concerns me that I feel more broken about this happening 3 years later, compared to how well I handled it when it actually happened.

 

I was wondering if anyone might relate to any of my experiences and might have an insight/perspective to share as to how I can improve my mindset moving forward?

 

I really appreciate your time and support in advance.

 

The loneliness will go away. Just keep doing what you are doing. And IMO the reason you feel more broken up about this today than 3 years ago is because of the year and half you stayed with him in a new city. You clearly stated you wanted no part in a relationship, but that whole time the guy never stopped trying to win you over. You LIVED under the same roof with someone trying to swoon you 24/7. You had to see this person EVERYDAY for 18 months. Someone who tried to convince himself (and you) that his purpose on this planet was to be here for you.

 

And then that was gone in an instant. It is human nature to feel lonely, empty even. I know it's impossible for you to look at things objectively, (maybe you can for a few moments, but the message will stop resonating a day later) but honestly ... You are Free. Free to Make Choices without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. Free to Move back . Free to Love.

 

You are like a butterfly who wants to return to it's cocoon, because you think you were happier there. You have SOOO much left to see and experience. You were in a cocoon for 8.5 years total. You are Free now. Fly.

 

Anyways, that's my point of view. I hope you find these observations good food for thought.

 

Cheers!

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