Ex girlfriend of 2.5 years is pregnant with rebound.

[GAC]

I’ve recently heard the news that my ex girlfriend is 12 weeks pregnant. We broke up 8 months ago after being together for 2.5 years. We lived in different cities (just over an hours drive) always spent weekends together and saw each other ounce usually mid week. We are both very career driven in demanding roles, she is a salon owner, I was an engineer for a global aerospace company working at numerous sites across the uk.

 

We had spoken about moving in together, wanting to get engaged, married and have children, I told her I wanted kids and agreed we weren’t ready until we had all the foundations in place before we settled. The plan was for me to modernise my house (purchased shortly after we started dating) rent it out, move into her apartment which she had purchased mid last year (living at her parents for the duration of the relationship) and look for work closer to the city she resided.

 

After she moved into her apartment I promised I would spend more time at hers. The commute became expensive along with tending to the usual relationship perks and maintaining a lifestyle and saving for weddings. Getting my house ready for market was moving slowly but I began looking for a new job knowing everything would fall into place, by now she had stopped spending time at mine to encourage me to commute more frequently from her new residence.

 

Conversations regarding our plans became more frequent which resulted in her becoming upset and me becoming stressed with the pressure. She started to believe that I didn’t want the same things and after reassuring her many times that I did, it became hard. We started going out less, when I was at the apartment she couldn’t switch off from work and I honestly felt alone with how distant she had become.

 

Whilst looking for a new job I made the mistake of applying for a company that was in the city I lived, I never expected to get it but they did make an offer I couldn’t refuse, I accepted. She was fully aware of the application and the whole process. For me this would boost my career, give us the life we both wanted and dreamt of. I explained after 18 months I could transfer to a site in her home town to which she was happy.

 

The final month leading up to the break up I knew she was unhappy, her cousin was seriously ill in hospital, she became more intolerant with me and both out moods would be all over the place... And then we sat down... The conversation was really hard, again she felt like I wasn’t committing to her, that I didn’t want to be with her, spend our lives together and even said that I didn’t want children. I tried to reassure her that my feelings and intentions were true and that We just needed time. The conversation ended with her needing space, that she needed to think about the relationship and what she wanted.

 

I visited the apartment and stayed over twice after that, ounce to talk which resulted in lots of crying on both sides and the second to return her things. We spoke a handful of times until contact decreased to nothing. 8 months later and here I am, I saw the baby scan on social media. I was devastated, I sent her a message of congrats to which she said thank you and that she was shocked. Unplanned?! I asked to talk and she declined. I sent her another message saying how I still felt for her (nothing bad) and saying goodbye.

 

I was told to write everything down as it would help, and so decided to post my story on here. I guess looking for advise from those who may have experienced similar things or opinions with the small amount of info given. I haven’t eaten and hardly slept since hearing the news 4 days ago. My heads all over the place... I can’t help but feel I didn’t do enough and the child she’s now carrying should be mine, I feel so hurt at the short time it’s taken her to go from wanting to spend her life with me, to meeting someone new and becoming pregnant. My whole family are shocked as it’s so out of character for her and the person she is in general.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[5x5]

It's not a surprise she doesn't want to talk to you. She has moved on, you ought to do the same.

[Marc878]

Hard nc. No other choice.

[GAC]

It's not a surprise she doesn't want to talk to you. She has moved on, you ought to do the same.

 

I honestly thought I had, but hearing the news has been an absolute bombshell which has released so many emotions.

[d0nnivain]

You can't go backwards, especially not now. Even if she were to come back with the baby in tow, every time you looked at the child you'd be reminded of the guy who took your place. That is no way to live. Think of this as your closure. That door is not only closed, it's been welded shut.

[GAC]

You can't go backwards, especially not now. Even if she were to come back with the baby in tow, every time you looked at the child you'd be reminded of the guy who took your place. That is no way to live. Think of this as your closure. That door is not only closed, it's been welded shut.

 

I totally agree, I think it’s just the unansweared questions, the shock factor and how fast it’s happened combined knocked me for six. Today I’ve eaten loads so already feeling better. What an absolute rollercoaster of emotions I’ve felt this last 5 days, the whole episode felt worse than the actual breakup!!

[Itspointless]

I am sorry for you pain, love has the awful tendency to hurt like a b*tch when our plans are not backed up and answered with the other half.

 

Conversations regarding our plans became more frequent which resulted in her becoming upset and me becoming stressed with the pressure. She started to believe that I didn’t want the same things and after reassuring her many times that I did, it became hard.

You did your best and know that (well at least according to your side of the story, which I believe as your side of it in the honesty as it is written). In fact - and I am sorry for that - I believe you loved her more than she did love you.

 

It may be out of character in the way she showed to you and her family, but apparently a baby is what she longed for. Otherwise why decline to talk about it? Perhaps it is the other guy you should feel pity about. To me he reads like a need to an end.

 

As d0nnivain so well wrote: 'Think of this as your closure. That door is not only closed, it's been welded shut.'

[Adiron]

Look on the bright side. You've got closure.

[Beachead]

Ultimately, she wanted a baby and apparently wanted it so badly that she was willing to meet someone new and inside of a year, have one with that person. So, sounds to me like this baby was conceived out of haste and emotion and was unplanned and if that's the case, the risk is certainly there for things to go sour between them. Personally, I hope I'm wrong because that child will suffer.

 

I'm not sure if you could ever get passed it if she ever came back anyway but as of right now, she's gone and she's never come back and unfortunately, you will have to make peace with it and continue carrying on without her as you have. I think you were responsible in the relationship. You had the future in mind and you were responsibly handling it. But when push came to shove, she showed the strength of her love.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited July 17, 2018 by Beachead

[GAC]

I am sorry for you pain, love has the awful tendency to hurt like a b*tch when our plans are not backed up and answered with the other half.

 

 

You did your best and know that (well at least according to your side of the story, which I believe as your side of it in the honesty as it is written). In fact - and I am sorry for that - I believe you loved her more than she did love you.

 

It may be out of character in the way she showed to you and her family, but apparently a baby is what she longed for. Otherwise why decline to talk about it? Perhaps it is the other guy you should feel pity about. To me he reads like a need to an end.

 

As d0nnivain so well wrote: 'Think of this as your closure. That door is not only closed, it's been welded shut.'

 

Regarding plans, she told me that she is putting all her trust in me knowing in X amount of years and when X,Y,Z is in place, I’ll still want her and still want children (I’m 36, she’s 26), it’s crazy to think now that my whole life was mapped out.

 

I agree it seems having a baby was her priority and not building the foundations we spoke of, I had no idea she wanted a child so badly. Maybe a communication error on both parts.

 

Thank you for replying, it means a lot.

[GAC]

Ultimately, she wanted a baby and apparently wanted it so badly that she was willing to meet someone new and inside of a year, have one with that person. So, sounds to me like this baby was conceived out of haste and emotion and was unplanned and if that's the case, the risk is certainly there for things to go sour between them. Personally, I hope I'm wrong because that child will suffer.

 

I'm not sure if you could ever get passed it if she ever came back anyway but as of right now, she's gone and she's never come back and unfortunately, you will have to make peace with it and continue carrying on without her as you have. I think you were responsible in the relationship. You had the future in mind and you were responsibly handling it. But when push came to shove, she showed the strength of her love.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

 

My thoughts were the same, I only hope in time they prove me wrong, that they do stay together and wish them all the best.

 

As for me, I’d booked a holiday previously with a few close friends, so it’s going to give me a good time out. I have a week now to forgive and forget and come back recalibrated.

 

Thank you for reading and taking the time to reply.

[Ralph79]

We are both very career driven in demanding roles, she is a salon owner, I was an engineer for a global aerospace company working at numerous sites across the uk.

 

You are both Career driven . Yet you are an employee , that means you have a boss who pays for your time abd work . She is a Salon Owner , meaning she owns her time . Regardless of who earns more , you 2 were at different ends of the specturm when it came to driven careers . This is an important observation for later.

 

We had spoken about moving in together, wanting to get engaged, married and have children, I told her I wanted kids and agreed we werenÂ’t ready until we had all the foundations in place before we settled. The plan was for me to modernise my house (purchased shortly after we started dating) rent it out, move into her apartment which she had purchased mid last year (living at her parents for the duration of the relationship) and look for work closer to the city she resided.

 

So , you agreed to switch cities , switch jobs , rent out your old place , move in to her place that she had no prior attachment to because she had just purchased it ... my friend , Im afraid to tell you that you lost your identity in the process of trying to fit into this woman’s world.

 

We started going out less, when I was at the apartment she couldnÂ’t switch off from work and I honestly felt alone with how distant she had become.

 

Once you caved in , and did everything the way she wanted , she realized she wasn’t interested in the idea of having you around all the time. I’m sorry you went through this , but it will teach you a lesson to hold your ground in regards to your career and your life . You matter , and you shouldn’t sweep it all away just for any pretty face and a great smile next time .

 

Whilst looking for a new job I made the mistake of applying for a company that was in the city I lived, I never expected to get it but they did make an offer I couldn’t refuse, I accepted. She was fully aware of the application and the whole process. For me this would boost my career, give us the life we both wanted and dreamt of. I explained after 18 months I could transfer

 

This is the only thing you did right . Fought for your career future . At this point , you might not realize that she might’ve been happy that this choice of yours would mean that you would not be able to move in with her , until you mentioned the transfer .

 

I won’t quote the rest because it seems to me at this point she had her mind set on the breakup , she didn’t just realize how to go about it witrout hurting your feelings , which was an impossible task .

 

I hope you realize that ultimately this was the best course action for both of you . I hope that the job you got helps keep you focused on what matters : YOU .

 

And believe me , there will be someone walking into your life sooner or later . She was inevitably going to have a baby sooner or later . The timetables get reset from partner to partner so there is no explanation as to why she got pregnant when she did ... you just got to accept the fact that she did . It doesn’t mean that the other partner was a better person than you , it doesn’t mean he was a better lover , and it doesn’t necessarily mean he makes her happier . ItÂ’s just some guy who happened to get her pregnant . Don’t overthink things anymore .

 

My advice , go out with friends , hear and Sing Frank Sinatra’s : That’s Life , and remember that there are TONS of people that love and support you everyday in their own way , its too soon right now but eventually you will realize how lucky you were that things turned out the way they did

 

PS Im simply trying to help you fill the gaps left in the unanswered questions part of your anguish . These observstions are assumptions based on probable courses of action . Hope the best for you

 

Cheers

[Beachead]

My thoughts were the same, I only hope in time they prove me wrong, that they do stay together and wish them all the best.

 

As for me, I’d booked a holiday previously with a few close friends, so it’s going to give me a good time out. I have a week now to forgive and forget and come back recalibrated.

 

Thank you for reading and taking the time to reply.

 

Good move. All you can do now is try to channel your focus entirely back to you. It won't be easy but hey..what in this life is ever easy, right? If we're going to cry and suffer anyway..might as well be going after something that's going ot make us better. Our goals, our purpose in life...whatever it is.

 

Stay strong OP

 

- Beach

Edited July 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Jamess1]

You were replaced before u broke up, the moment u started feeling lonely at her place, her working when u were around,she was no longer invested in you. She had already started seeing or at least flirting with the other

 

Many times than not, a woman breaks up with you to be with somebody else , there is a survey on this.

[Lessonsinlove]

This is a prime example of why (if possible) not to seek out an ex on social media. You were better off not knowing.

 

At least it's some sort of closure for you either way, that's a positive...

[glows]

It's frankly none of your business what she does with her life and if you find yourself looking at her social media profiles, end it and delete her from your life. It's 2.5 years not 25 years. You're being a bit overdramatic.

 

What matters is that you remained true to yourself and if she never understood you or where you were coming from or that your feelings were true, she's not good for you! You've maintained in your entire post that you were steadfast in your intentions. What more could you have done? If someone doesn't want to be with you, they'll cook up whatever reasons they can to have out. You, sir, were on the receiving end of that but you were true to yourself and to her. Now exorcise those toxic habits having her on your social media, pull up the big boy panties, get out there and live your life.

[SevenCity]

You were replaced before u broke up, the moment u started feeling lonely at her place, her working when u were around,she was no longer invested in you. She had already started seeing or at least flirting with the other

 

Many times than not, a woman breaks up with you to be with somebody else , there is a survey on this.

 

My thoughts exactly. Women do this often - it’s important to look out for the signs so you can get out next time.

[SevenCity]

You are both Career driven . Yet you are an employee , that means you have a boss who pays for your time abd work . She is a Salon Owner , meaning she owns her time . Regardless of who earns more , you 2 were at different ends of the specturm when it came to driven careers . This is an important observation for later.

 

 

 

So , you agreed to switch cities , switch jobs , rent out your old place , move in to her place that she had no prior attachment to because she had just purchased it ... my friend , Im afraid to tell you that you lost your identity in the process of trying to fit into this woman’s world.

 

 

Once you caved in , and did everything the way she wanted , she realized she wasn’t interested in the idea of having you around all the time. I’m sorry you went through this , but it will teach you a lesson to hold your ground in regards to your career and your life . You matter , and you shouldn’t sweep it all away just for any pretty face and a great smile next time .

 

 

 

This is the only thing you did right . Fought for your career future . At this point , you might not realize that she might’ve been happy that this choice of yours would mean that you would not be able to move in with her , until you mentioned the transfer .

 

I won’t quote the rest because it seems to me at this point she had her mind set on the breakup , she didn’t just realize how to go about it witrout hurting your feelings , which was an impossible task .

 

I hope you realize that ultimately this was the best course action for both of you . I hope that the job you got helps keep you focused on what matters : YOU .

 

And believe me , there will be someone walking into your life sooner or later . She was inevitably going to have a baby sooner or later . The timetables get reset from partner to partner so there is no explanation as to why she got pregnant when she did ... you just got to accept the fact that she did . It doesn’t mean that the other partner was a better person than you , it doesn’t mean he was a better lover , and it doesn’t necessarily mean he makes her happier . ItÂ’s just some guy who happened to get her pregnant . Don’t overthink things anymore .

 

My advice , go out with friends , hear and Sing Frank Sinatra’s : That’s Life , and remember that there are TONS of people that love and support you everyday in their own way , its too soon right now but eventually you will realize how lucky you were that things turned out the way they did

 

PS Im simply trying to help you fill the gaps left in the unanswered questions part of your anguish . These observstions are assumptions based on probable courses of action . Hope the best for you

 

Cheers

 

Excellent post.

[Beachead]

My thoughts exactly. Women do this often - it’s important to look out for the signs so you can get out next time.

 

I agree. They do. But I'd like to challenge this because I don't warning signs are easy to spot when someone is in it.

 

Perhaps if an ex is still in the picture or there's this new guy she's talking to a little bit too much or her phone is mysteriously blowing up..these are signs that we can definitely watch out for. But everything else?

 

When we've broken up with someone, we can usually pick up on what went wrong after 6 months or so. But when we're in the relationship during, we don't have the luxury of hindsight. Drawing from past relationships can only help to a certain extent because no two relationships or women are the same. If we are looking for the negative in a relationship, we run the risk of mistaking a supposed warning sign for what was just a bad day or a bad time in their life.

 

So what are the warning signs we could look out for?

 

- Beach

[SevenCity]

I agree. They do. But I'd like to challenge this because I don't warning signs are easy to spot when someone is in it.

 

Perhaps if an ex is still in the picture or there's this new guy she's talking to a little bit too much or her phone is mysteriously blowing up..these are signs that we can definitely watch out for. But everything else?

 

When we've broken up with someone, we can usually pick up on what went wrong after 6 months or so. But when we're in the relationship during, we don't have the luxury of hindsight. Drawing from past relationships can only help to a certain extent because no two relationships or women are the same. If we are looking for the negative in a relationship, we run the risk of mistaking a supposed warning sign for what was just a bad day or a bad time in their life.

 

So what are the warning signs we could look out for?

 

- Beach

 

Excellent question Beach!

 

Something I learned when I was a young dude and forgot in my last RL:

 

“It’s not what they do, it’s what they do differently.”

 

You always have to be gauging her interest level. The way to do this is create a baseline at a point when she is most happy. Actions in this interest range (9 - 10) will vary from woman to woman (tons of sex, I love yous, buying you gifts, cooking, etc. - sidebar, my ex did all of that which is why she was so hard to get over...I digress).

 

So you create your mental baseline and pay attention. Once you see her acting differently it is time to take corrective action - to prevent her from leaving as they all will eventually.

 

Maybe you got too comfortable, are taking her for granted, not taking her out enough, etc. So you start acting like the guy she fell in love with (taking her out, showing appreciation more, listening to her, etc.) and get her interest level back up to the baseline.

 

The trick is their interest falls slowly over time. It’s like boiling a frog in water....by the time most guys (including me) realize, it’s too late.

 

When her interest drops below a 5 you are toast, nothing you can do but walk.

 

This framework is meant for a serious relationship where the woman (a good, supportive. loyal, submissive woman) was in love with you (though the same principles of interest apply in dating).

 

It’s important to squash stuff early and resolve it quickly. If she’s upset, get to the bottom of it and don’t settle for “It’s fine” (it’s NOT fine!). Uncover the underlying issue and fix it or it will just fester and come up later.

 

I had the opportunity to practice what I preach recently with my new gf. Without getting into specifics, I sensed the baseline was off and didn’t know why. So I schlepped down to the city on a Sunday afternoon to talk it out (and then have sex lol).

 

Not only was the root issue not even close to what I thought, the way I handled it (masculine, firm, calm, loving, not giving into emotions) blew her away. I also let her know that her losing her chit was unacceptable (no yelling, she just shut down and didn’t want to talk) and I expect her to bring issues to me like a calm, loving adult - or I’m gone....and I meant it despite how I feel about her.

 

This past weekend she was staring at me while we were sitting on the couch and said “Since last weekend I see you in a different light. I’ve never met anyone like you and I’ve fallen even deeper in love”. So looks like it worked.

 

BUUUUT - that’s what she feels IN THAT MOMENT. It’s up to me to compare against the baseline.

 

I know what you are going to say...that’s a lot of F’n work Seven! It is brother.

 

But, it is nothing compared to losing the love of your life and rebuilding yourself like I did for the past two years.

 

Being familiar with your story, I’m sure you can relate.

[Beachead]

Excellent question Beach!

 

Something I learned when I was a young dude and forgot in my last RL:

 

“It’s not what they do, it’s what they do differently.”

 

You always have to be gauging her interest level. The way to do this is create a baseline at a point when she is most happy. Actions in this interest range (9 - 10) will vary from woman to woman (tons of sex, I love yous, buying you gifts, cooking, etc. - sidebar, my ex did all of that which is why she was so hard to get over...I digress).

 

So you create your mental baseline and pay attention. Once you see her acting differently it is time to take corrective action - to prevent her from leaving as they all will eventually.

 

Maybe you got too comfortable, are taking her for granted, not taking her out enough, etc. So you start acting like the guy she fell in love with (taking her out, showing appreciation more, listening to her, etc.) and get her interest level back up to the baseline.

 

The trick is their interest falls slowly over time. It’s like boiling a frog in water....by the time most guys (including me) realize, it’s too late.

 

When her interest drops below a 5 you are toast, nothing you can do but walk.

 

This framework is meant for a serious relationship where the woman (a good, supportive. loyal, submissive woman) was in love with you (though the same principles of interest apply in dating).

 

It’s important to squash stuff early and resolve it quickly. If she’s upset, get to the bottom of it and don’t settle for “It’s fine” (it’s NOT fine!). Uncover the underlying issue and fix it or it will just fester and come up later.

 

I had the opportunity to practice what I preach recently with my new gf. Without getting into specifics, I sensed the baseline was off and didn’t know why. So I schlepped down to the city on a Sunday afternoon to talk it out (and then have sex lol).

 

Not only was the root issue not even close to what I thought, the way I handled it (masculine, firm, calm, loving, not giving into emotions) blew her away. I also let her know that her losing her chit was unacceptable (no yelling, she just shut down and didn’t want to talk) and I expect her to bring issues to me like a calm, loving adult - or I’m gone....and I meant it despite how I feel about her.

This past weekend she was staring at me while we were sitting on the couch and said “Since last weekend I see you in a different light. I’ve never met anyone like you and I’ve fallen even deeper in love”. So looks like it worked.

 

BUUUUT - that’s what she feels IN THAT MOMENT. It’s up to me to compare against the baseline.

 

I know what you are going to say...that’s a lot of F’n work Seven! It is brother.

 

But, it is nothing compared to losing the love of your life and rebuilding yourself like I did for the past two years.

 

Being familiar with your story, I’m sure you can relate.

 

I like that. "It's not what they do..it's what they do differently." I can back that up with my own experiences as well. It's particularilly why I liked to establish this habit of kissing my gf on the lips everytime we saw eachother.

This way, if that kiss doesn't happen, the alarms go off. From then on, I just kind of sit back and pay close attention to see if I notice anything else off and evaluate accordingly. Interestingly enough, something usually was but it would surface days or weeks later.

 

A billion points to you for knowing that when women say those kinds of things..it's just feelings in the moment. Took me until last year to learn not to hold onto those kinds of things.

 

You took charge of the situation, you told her exactly what was up and you stuck to it without succumbing to the fear/pain of losing her. That is perfect execution! I myself have now learned that if you want to maximize your chances of being with the woman you care for, you have to make sure you don't forego your self-worth in favour of being with her. If there's something she's doing that's hurting you and it's not being taken care of, you have to be willing to walk away and never look back. If or when I decide to return to the dating world, I hope to establish and maintain that kind of self-discipline.

 

Nice response Seven. Sending out good thoughts for you in your relationship.

 

- Beach

Edited August 1, 2018 by Beachead

[SevenCity]

I like that. "It's not what they do..it's what they do differently." I can back that up with my own experiences as well. It's particularilly why I liked to establish this habit of kissing my gf on the lips everytime we saw eachother.

This way, if that kiss doesn't happen, the alarms go off. From then on, I just kind of sit back and pay close attention to see if I notice anything else off and evaluate accordingly. Interestingly enough, something usually was but it would surface days or weeks later.

 

A billion points to you for knowing that when women say those kinds of things..it's just feelings in the moment. Took me until last year to learn not to hold onto those kinds of things.

 

You took charge of the situation, you told her exactly what was up and you stuck to it without succumbing to the fear/pain of losing her. That is perfect execution! I myself have now learned that if you want to maximize your chances of being with the woman you care for, you have to make sure you don't forego your self-worth in favour of being with her. If there's something she's doing that's hurting you and it's not being taken care of, you have to be willing to walk away and never look back. If or when I decide to return to the dating world, I hope to establish and maintain that kind of self-discipline.

 

Nice response Seven. Sending out good thoughts for you in your relationship.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beach! Best of luck to you as well.

 

In my OLD adventures over the past two years, this is the only one worth doing the above. Hopefully it doesn’t end in a chit storm like all the others!

[CDJ]

I agree. They do. But I'd like to challenge this because I don't warning signs are easy to spot when someone is in it.

 

Perhaps if an ex is still in the picture or there's this new guy she's talking to a little bit too much or her phone is mysteriously blowing up..these are signs that we can definitely watch out for. But everything else?

 

When we've broken up with someone, we can usually pick up on what went wrong after 6 months or so. But when we're in the relationship during, we don't have the luxury of hindsight. Drawing from past relationships can only help to a certain extent because no two relationships or women are the same. If we are looking for the negative in a relationship, we run the risk of mistaking a supposed warning sign for what was just a bad day or a bad time in their life.

 

So what are the warning signs we could look out for?

 

- Beach

From my experience:

 

- Talks about interest from other guys/girls (in my case, she mentioned out of the blue that a guy had asked her out; I thought nothing of it at the time but in hindsight it was likely a warning of sorts).

- Stops putting pictures of you on social media, or indeed stops wanting to be in pictures with you at all.

- Increases the gift-giving (covering up, guilt, etc.)

- Becomes increasingly critical of you and lists your faults/shortcomings more openly (I think this is a sign that he/she is weighing you up against the other person).

- Engages with your friends/family far less often, and keeps distance.

- If not living together, you stay round each others' places far less often.

- Doesn't introduce you to people in social situations or when you both bump into his/her friends or colleagues in public.

 

It's all with benefit of hindsight, of course, but I think that these are good indicators that your other half is preparing for her next relationship and, if not cheating, at least has someone in mind.

[Ralph79]

 

So what are the warning signs we could look out for?

 

- Beach

 

I also think this is a very important question most of us ask when it's too late to do anything about it.

 

I would go even further and branch this out into 2 questions:

 

1.- What are the warning signs that my relationship is becoming vulnerable?

and

 

2.- What are the warning signs that my partner is already set on breaking things up but hasn't had the courage to tell me?

 

From my experience:

 

- Talks about interest from other guys/girls (in my case, she mentioned out of the blue that a guy had asked her out; I thought nothing of it at the time but in hindsight it was likely a warning of sorts).

- Stops putting pictures of you on social media, or indeed stops wanting to be in pictures with you at all.

- Increases the gift-giving (covering up, guilt, etc.)

- Becomes increasingly critical of you and lists your faults/shortcomings more openly (I think this is a sign that he/she is weighing you up against the other person).

- Engages with your friends/family far less often, and keeps distance.

- If not living together, you stay round each others' places far less often.

- Doesn't introduce you to people in social situations or when you both bump into his/her friends or colleagues in public.

 

It's all with benefit of hindsight, of course, but I think that these are good indicators that your other half is preparing for her next relationship and, if not cheating, at least has someone in mind.

 

I think your answers CDJ, fit perfectly into the latter questions criteria. They're spot on, and people who have been there, will agree 100%.

 

In the case of the former question I would dare state the following as possible answers:

 

a) Lack of Shared Goals and Quality Time spent together. And by this I mean doing things BOTH partners truly enjoy. This is why a lot affairs happen at the workplace for example. Co-workers often share a mutual goal that must be met through dedication and hard work, and when a synergy is established that results in success, the lines between friendship and love get blurry, specially when we forget why we decided to get a job in the first place or that we have someone special at home that SHOULD be just as happy for our success. And this doesn't just apply to the workplace.

 

b) Lack of recognition. When one partner feels that they've stopped doing anything of any significance. Both partners must feel progress in their lives. Weather it's on their job, or while taking care of the house/family or studies. When one partner feels like they've settled on a thankless routine, it usually due a lack of empathy in a relationship that forces said partner to start seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

 

c) Destabilizing Outside Influences. Extreme troubles throughout your partners side of the family or social circle. Black sheep in families often exist. Bad influences as well. But when most of the members in your partners family or friends have issues with divorce, the law, addictions, etc... It's a warning sign that your partner was probably brought up in that environment. And we while we often like to think that we are on the same page as our partner when it comes to loyalty, honesty, marriage, and morality in general, the fact is that the saying "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" doesn't necessarily apply in this case. Some see divorce as the ultimate failure of the most important relationship in their lives (I was one of them), while others see it merely as a breakup in writing. Same goes for cheating and lying. Some people will forgive adultery but will find being poor a deal breaker. In short, don't be surprised at what your partner is willing to do when the people around them have done it all their lives. I don't want to sentence anyone with a troubled past to failure all their lives, but we obviously have to be wary for obvious reasons that aren't so obvious when we're in love with them.

 

d) Attention Imbalance. Sometimes one partners "disappears" from the relationship while trying to satisfy the other. Some partners can be exceedingly demanding at times. And we sometimes make the mistake of trying to please them by doing as much as we can for them , instead of confronting them and stating that we have needs as well. We can't allocate time and resources to their needs without sacrificing some of our own. Some insecure partners will usually try and comply with everything in order to seek reassurance that all is well in their relationship , but in the process, end up losing the very thing that made them attractive in the first place : The time the invested in themselves to be at their best. If you or your partner spend too much time on one another without any reciprocity then the relationship eventually becomes completely dysfunctional.

 

There are many other points that may or may not be taken as warning signs:

 

- Incompatible friends

- Discrepancies in Spirituality

- Discrepancies in Sexual Drives

- Financial troubles

- A Great Loss could sometimes leave partners very vulnerable to mistakes.

 

These are in my opinion, just some situations that could possibly lead to an eventual breakup. I think there is no surefire way to predict when a relationship is in jeopardy, specially by the inexperienced. Never forget that relationships fail because 2 people can't work things out together. It's never just a one sided affair. You must never assume what the other person is thinking. You cannot predict what they are going to do. If you made a mistake, you can not expect forgiveness , you can only hope for it. And if you were wronged, you cannot expect or assume that your partner is truly remorseful just because they said so. It is something that can only be proven through continuous actions rather than words.