Coping and regretting the chances i did not take..

[jole13]

Hey,

 

I just wanted to write down my current situation to see if someone has gone through similar..or has some advice for me because I feel so empty and sad right now and extremely self-disappointed.

Sorry if there are any language mistakes but English is not my mother language. And sorry if there are too many details included, but I don't want to miss anything out that might be important to understand the whole story.

 

I did an exchange year at an Asian university last year that was part of my bachelor studies. That was where I met this boy who also studied there but comes from another European country than me. In the beginning, I was really excited, I met so many new people and thought that I will go through an overall positive personal development.

I had several courses together with this guy and I was immediately extremely attracted to him, physically and also to his self-confident and open character. He appeared to be a very extrovert and intelligent person who was always talking and joking around with everyone. There were also a lot of girls who liked him and he was dating several girls over the whole time as far as I heard.

I noticed that he also seemed to like me. In the beginning, he always teased me in a funny/friendly way, tried to get my attention and sometimes tried to start a conversation with me. During the classes we had together in the second semester, he often stared at me or smiled at me and I think he waited once after class to talk to me.. However, I am a shy and introvert person that has problems with showing feelings at times, and also I am really insecure around boys and always wonder how others think of me although I consider myself attractive, at least that is what people tell me quite often and I assume from their reactions. I've had problems with my low self-esteem for years, sometimes it got better sometimes worse.. Due to my insecurities, I was never able to really communicate with this guy.. In the beginning I managed to exchange some words with him at least but the more I fell in love with him the more nervous I got and the more unable I was to talk to him. Sometimes it felt like a barrier inside me as soon as he was around, I wasn't able to speak or be myself although I tried badly.. after a while my behavior changed into ignorance, I know that sounds weird, but I started to completely ignore him and did not even look at him anymore, at least when he looked at me.. i made it really obvious to him. He must have felt that I did not like him at all. However, I think he noticed that it was due to my shyness. I don't know why I started to behave that way, but I was so afraid to talk to him and mess everything up by being too nervous or weird that I just avoided any contact with him. Sometimes it felt like this behavior drove him crazy and made him even more curious. Once he and others organized a party, he added me and wrote me if I would come. I wrote that I would most likely be there, and he answered then I should please confirm it into the group and I replied that a friend of mine already did it, he wrote ok that's fine and that was all.. Now i regret that i did not write anything more..

 

I continued to avoid him until the last class we had together. I was just not able to change anything, and the lovesickness got worse..in the last lesson the teacher asked who would stay for another semester and I noticed him looking at me, I shook my head to myself and I noticed him looking down at the table with a kind of sad expression.. on the day of the exam, he tried to look at me a few times more and when he left the room I decided to look at him one last time (I thought it was the last time I would see him) and he looked back at me with a really surprised expression on his face... Apparently I was not the last time that we saw, there was another goodbye event were we met again.. we were a big group and all dining a big table, I was at the one end of the table with a few others and he was in the middle.. after finishing the meals he came into my direction of the table and looked at me as I turned around noticing him coming.. after a while the chair next to me got free and he sat down and talked to a girl.. I think maybe he was trying to finally talk to me but he didn't and of course, I also did not make a move. On the way to a club afterward, he looked disappointed and in the club there was the next moment.. when he was dancing a few meters away from me while looking at me again as if he wanted to come close... there were so many chances on that evening and I did not take one of them. I know that it is all my fault and I regret it so much.

 

At the beginning of this year, I went back to my home country. A few days ago I returned to the Asian University for my thesis defense, I knew I would see him again then. I planned to do everything different on that day when I was at home.. but it did not work out. Which was actually clear because I did not make any significant improvements on my self-esteem over the whole time. Most of the time I was at home writing my thesis and did not really have the time to change anything. The day felt awful for me.. I was happy that I did not have to present in front of him. And of course, I did not speak to him again and barely looked at him. While the others were talking I was just hoping that time would pass faster. At the same time, I was so sad because I knew that it was the last time I would see him in my life. Once a girl asked me about the topic of my thesis and I felt him looking at me and waiting for my answer..all I said to the girl was that I would tell her later and I looked at him and he just looked down with raised eyebrows , I guess he now thinks something must be wrong with me and that I have big issues with myself and my personality..which is true obviously:sick: With other people it is ok and I do not have these problems that much, but this guy makes me feel so insecure and out of control somehow.

I decided to visit a therapist recently to hopefully overcome my shyness.

Still I cannot forget about him and it hurts so much that I will never see him again and never get the chance to talk to him and see how it would have been.. I did never really believe in love at first sight but now I do. I have never felt such a connection to someone. I just cannot compare anything to looking into his eyes. He was so familiar to me and I'm quite sure he felt similar..but my weird and unapproachable behavior messed it up.

Sometimes I wonder if it I should contact him, maybe just to apologize for the way I treated him.. he added me on facebook during the time when I was at home. But I just don't know if this is a good idea or if I would only make myself ridiculous after how I behaved the whole time. Or if it would matter anymore. Apart from that we live in two different countries. And he's probably happy now that we did not get any closer and already forgot about me. I guess it's hopeless and I just have to get along with the situation, it is just so hard to take at the moment. I feel like my life ain't mine and just wonder what is wrong with me. Does anyone have some advice for me? How can I cope with the situation?