1 year later, I'm going to break contact...

[oneyearon]

So here's my story, I'm writing this with a shattered heart and tears streaming down my face, pathetic I know.

 

My ex broke up with me in May 2017 after a 2 year relationship due to "no longer wanting a relationship". We are gay and both 20 years old. We met when we were 17 and he was my first love and first of everything, he came to the uni in my city because of me. He was everything I ever imagined in a boyfriend and in my eyes was perfect. (Still on the pedestal, huh?)

 

We have been in NC since May 2017 by my choice. In this time I have made HUGE strides in trying to get over the absolute heart shattering depression I was left in. I have lost 40lbs at the gym, progressed in my job and studies, gone out with friends more regularly, caught up with old friends, got new hobbies and am in regular weekly therapy. Most importantly, I have been actively dating and meeting new guys. Despite ALL of this, I still feel exactly the same as I did on the day he left me and I honestly feel physically sick just writing this because the truth is, he's been on my mind every single day for the last year. I have him blocked on all social media and have not even seen a picture of him till the beginning of this month. I completely blocked and removed him from my life and have been moving forward this whole time, but guess what... the plan failed miserably.

 

Over the past year I received random missed calls from him and he messaged me at Christmas to which I shut him down and told him to leave me alone when he tried striking a conversation with me.

 

This is where things get a bit dicey. I joined tinder again 2 days ago (I know) and within a couple of hours, there he was... I realised how attracted to him I still was and that moment instantly felt like my heart exploded and a huge wave of depression drowned me. Curiously got the better of me at this point and I just decided to swipe right for the hell of it, it was an instant match. I closed the app down immediately and he hasn't messaged me in these 2 days, i've been basically staring at my phone waiting for his notification all this time. Since then I haven't been able to function normally, he's on my mind all day and I currently have had to go back onto medication just to get some sleep. I pretty much cry now any time I'm alone. An i've been sick numerous times from the pure anxiety.

 

So let's get down to why I'm here...

I've decided after all this time, something must be wrong, there's no way I can feel EXACTLY the same as I do after a year, I've never seen this before. Of course anyone I talk to about this just tells me "you'll get over it eventually", "just move on", "you deserve better than him" which doesn't help me in any way at all and just makes me feel worse because I know I should be completely over it by now.

So today I decided it's time to just message him and see what's really going on with me. Yes I KNOW it's a stupid idea, but I'm doing this for 2 reasons, I would rather continue moving forward knowing I have at least tried, I mean when you feel like someone's right for you, you have to fight, right? Secondly, even if this goes terribly wrong it surely can't get any worse than it is now? Once you hit the bottom, you can only go up... No one truly understands my pain and what I've been going through, honestly I'm just so tired and want it to end so I'm willing to try anything to help me at this point, even if that means doing what I'm scared of the most.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know the advice in doing this is a big no no and many of you will advise against it, in-fact even I don't particularly want to do this, but it honestly from the bottom of my heart feels like my only option and something I have to do to either get closure and move on, or possibly reconcile, however unlikely that may be.

 

I need advice on how to approach this situation...

1. I approach him as if i'm over him and see how we go from there?

2. I confess all of what I've just told you to him

3. I just tell him I'm stuck and I need help moving on

4. Another approach?

 

How would you guys suggest I do this? I'm going to try my best to do this without any expectations but we all know in reality that's going to be nearly impossible. I'm either gunna end up hurt or end up feeling better, that's the reality. I know there's also a 99% chance that he's completely moved on and couldn't really care less about me and I completely understand that... but there's surely also a 1% chance he's just been really stubborn and maybe thought I was already over him so just left me alone?

 

Please go easy on me guys and just understand I've only decided to do this to end all of the suffering I've had to endure for the past 12 months. I can't explain what it feels like to constantly live everyday whilst feeling like a part of you is missing. I cannot tell you how grateful I would be for anyone to help me out here.

[bummer]

Pretend he's just a long lost friend.

 

Your anxiety and intense thoughts about your ex are holding you back. No question. I would argue that you've tried NC, been good about moving on, but after a year it's not solid in your head that it's really over. As you say, perhaps he's well and far over you, but you need resolution.

 

I broke NC with an ex about a year ago to get closure. She actually contacted me and we had dinner and talked for a few hours. We painfully rehashed the past mistakes and pain, we talked about where we were now, and we left by saying our proper apologies and looking each other in the eyes and promising to move on. For me, it worked. I was still emotionally attached to her and nothing short of that final closure made it complete. Did I hold hope of reconciliation? Yes, honestly, but I knew it was unlikely. But getting the actual facts about where each of us stood was important. I knew she didn't want me anymore, and it gave me the tools to suck it up and move on myself. Hearing she didn't love me anymore to my face was a weight off my shoulders.

 

So, I recommend you send a message that you would like to meet for a coffee. Meet in public. Go prepared. Plan for an hour. Build a repertoire, talk about the good memories and share where you are now (positive things).

 

Be ready to explain your feelings and know the answers you get back are likely going to hurt. Don't play games. Be confident and don't fall apart in the first five minutes. Make sure any lingering questions or statements from you are ready and you get them answered. Make this the last contact from both of you.

 

You'll bounce off this bottom much better than the first breakup. Good luck.

[JP92]

I would ease back into it. I know most will advise you to continue NC but a year is a good amount of time and you truly think he's the one, go for it. Ask him how he's been and start a casual conversation about what you've done in the past year. All positive. Then I would see about getting together for something light like a coffee or lunch. I think by his responses in texts and in person, you'll be able to read if he still has feelings for you. I think he'll be impressed with how much you've progressed in a year. If it doesn't go anywhere, at least you'll have some much needed closure on the situation and won't sit back wondering what if in the future.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Don't announce anything. Don't confess anything. Just talk to him. Be social, not flirty, just friendly & not on Tinder. Gauge his reaction. After you shut him down at Christmas he may be too hurt to too angry to give you the time of day. If he rejects you again or hurts your feelings again, that may be the last straw so you can finally get over him. If he is friendly, accept the fact that he is a polite person. Friendly is not necessarily an invitation to reconcile. If he makes overtures to get back together take it slowly & guard your heart.

[oneyearon]

Pretend he's just a long lost friend.

 

Your anxiety and intense thoughts about your ex are holding you back. No question. I would argue that you've tried NC, been good about moving on, but after a year it's not solid in your head that it's really over. As you say, perhaps he's well and far over you, but you need resolution.

 

I broke NC with an ex about a year ago to get closure. She actually contacted me and we had dinner and talked for a few hours. We painfully rehashed the past mistakes and pain, we talked about where we were now, and we left by saying our proper apologies and looking each other in the eyes and promising to move on. For me, it worked. I was still emotionally attached to her and nothing short of that final closure made it complete. Did I hold hope of reconciliation? Yes, honestly, but I knew it was unlikely. But getting the actual facts about where each of us stood was important. I knew she didn't want me anymore, and it gave me the tools to suck it up and move on myself. Hearing she didn't love me anymore to my face was a weight off my shoulders.

 

So, I recommend you send a message that you would like to meet for a coffee. Meet in public. Go prepared. Plan for an hour. Build a repertoire, talk about the good memories and share where you are now (positive things).

 

Be ready to explain your feelings and know the answers you get back are likely going to hurt. Don't play games. Be confident and don't fall apart in the first five minutes. Make sure any lingering questions or statements from you are ready and you get them answered. Make this the last contact from both of you.

 

You'll bounce off this bottom much better than the first breakup. Good luck.

 

I would ease back into it. I know most will advise you to continue NC but a year is a good amount of time and you truly think he's the one, go for it. Ask him how he's been and start a casual conversation about what you've done in the past year. All positive. Then I would see about getting together for something light like a coffee or lunch. I think by his responses in texts and in person, you'll be able to read if he still has feelings for you. I think he'll be impressed with how much you've progressed in a year. If it doesn't go anywhere, at least you'll have some much needed closure on the situation and won't sit back wondering what if in the future.

 

Good luck.

 

Don't announce anything. Don't confess anything. Just talk to him. Be social, not flirty, just friendly & not on Tinder. Gauge his reaction. After you shut him down at Christmas he may be too hurt to too angry to give you the time of day. If he rejects you again or hurts your feelings again, that may be the last straw so you can finally get over him. If he is friendly, accept the fact that he is a polite person. Friendly is not necessarily an invitation to reconcile. If he makes overtures to get back together take it slowly & guard your heart.

 

 

Thanks for all of your help guys, this is definitely the way I'll play it. Obviously once I start speaking to him my feelings will no doubt come racing back (or maybe they won’t, you never know) so how long do I keep this “casual” act up. Obviously I just want to heal and feel better so how will I know what the right thing to do is? I’m not planning on doing anything yet until I’ve spoken to my counsellor tomorrow and then see what she has to say and if she can help me out. I definitely feel as if this is something I have to do and I don’t think I’m going to move on from this until I speak to him, maybe it’s a case of knowing at least I tried?

 

I just can’t understand why after a year I feel as strongly involved as I do, I wouldn’t say I’ve been particularly in denial about the whole thing, in fact I accept that he’s gone and probably moved on. Despite me looking at all of his flaws and problems with our relationship I just miss him as a person and after 12 months I still can’t imagine myself with anyone else. Maybe this is partly some kind of mental health issue but I wouldn’t know what they might be and how to treat it. Otherwise I’m a pretty stable person, I do suffer from a lot of depression, anxiety and BDD but that’s neither been better or worse since I was an early teen, It’s just stayed the same. The feeling I have doesn’t feel related to any of those anyway and I've been through numerous break ups before and been absolutely fine in a matter of a few months. But this time it just feels like a part of me is missing and I desperately need it back, maybe it was the comfort of him being there I’m not sure but as of this moment and throughout the past year I just feel lost without him. I can honestly say I've never truly loved anyone until I met him. :(

Edited June 6, 2018 by oneyearon

[oneyearon]

Update:

 

So I messaged him last night. I just had to, the anxiety and anticipation of it was just killing me and I couldn't hold if off any longer. I tried to keep it casual as advised and just simply popped up and asked him how he's been. 12 hours later he hasn't replied. I don't really know how I'm feeling about it to be honest... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still wanting him to reply and maybe I'm in denial that he's actually seen the message yet when deep down I know he has. However, it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I don't really feel as emotional/sad as I expected from him not replying. I don't know if it's going to last though, because I don't think I got the closure I was seeking. But as of right now, I'm sitting comfortably with the fact I know I at least tried and maybe that's enough.

 

I'm going to my therapy today so we'll see how that goes. I'm gunna come out clean with everything and not hold anything back, even if I turn in to a mess. Who knows, maybe this is a step in the right direction. I just want to be over this is as quickly as possible now. I'll keep you all updated.

Edited June 7, 2018 by oneyearon

[Funny bunny]

What happened? How are you doing? I was broken up with yesterday.