LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Lost my sparkle since break up 2 years ago


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree1Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th June 2018, 2:13 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 22
Lost my sparkle since break up 2 years ago

Hi, just looking to see if other people have had experiences similar, or if they have any insight or advice. Thanks in advance. I was going out with a guy for almost two years, we broke up almost two years ago. Iím female, 30.
For the most part I have recovered, Iím seeing someone new that is lovely. But there feels like there is just something not right about me since it happened. I loved that person very deeply and thought that we would get married. The break up was horrible, I was blindsided by it and there were some actions relating to the nature of how the break up happened that were very selfish on his part and had deeply hurt me. He never gave me a solid reason.

It has decimated me for the better part of a year and Iím posting here because I seem to have lost my sparkle. Iím now into year two following the break up and that sparkle is still missing for me. Iím actually crying as I type this out, I used to have such high hopes for myself, I was ambitious, doing very well in my studies, confident in starting my career, and I had worked very hard to feel that way about myself. I used to pray daily, as a spiritual person, it was my way of connecting to myself, and I dont want to do that anymore, there doesnít feel like thereís any point.
No longer going out with that person is a blessing, I would have been in a worse off position staying with him in the long run and the time away from him has made me see this, but I have just lost myself and have no idea if itíll ever come back. I feel like Iíve let myself down by falling so deeply in love with someone who when it came to push wasnít all that bothered about me. I feel like I can no longer trust myself I suppose.

There is a great void and sadness in me since the break up, but it doesnít seem to be about the actual ex, but more having lost myself utterly, like part of me has died or something. I cant really make sense of it, Iím wondering if anyone has any insight or similar experiences?....also it sounds terribly dramatic when written down hence why Iíve come online instead of confiding in pals!!

Thanks for reading.
Casio167 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th June 2018, 2:22 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,081
It sounds to me as though you weren't fully over your old bf before you acquired your present day bf. You may think your present guy doesn't know anything about it, but I can assure you that deep down he knows something is not right. However you do it, if you don't get rid of the remnants of your old relationship that are holding you down, you will eventually loose you present day boyfriend... I can tell you that if I were him and I found out how much control the old bf still has on you, I'd break things off with you.
Poutrew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th June 2018, 2:26 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 22
Thanks for replying Poutrew. Itís not really to do with the old boyfriend to be honest though, although it has something to do with the break up, but more to do with me having lost some sort of spark inside me. I care very much for the person Iím with now, but I seem to have lost something inside of me.
Casio167 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th June 2018, 2:36 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 666
Have you ever heard of practicing self-compassion?

Quote:
Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components Ė self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.[1]
  • Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
  • Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
  • Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one's negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.[2] Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be "over-identified" with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers aversive reactions.[3] This latter type of response involves narrowly focusing and ruminating on one's negative emotions.[4]
anduina is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th June 2018, 3:23 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 158
Have you heard about how a caterpillar turns into ooze but then becomes a butterfly?

Metaphorically, that is what is happening to you. Some part of you, a certain kind of 'self' you have identified with, is in conflict of reality today.

This loss, or pain, you are feeling, is a sign that you are evolving.

The truth of who you are can never be taken away.

Maybe that last breakup which rocked your world was the catalyst to promote some serious inner growth.
magnesium is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th June 2018, 5:10 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by Casio167 View Post
It has decimated me for the better part of a year and Iím posting here because I seem to have lost my sparkle. Iím now into year two following the break up and that sparkle is still missing for me. Iím actually crying as I type this out, I used to have such high hopes for myself, I was ambitious, doing very well in my studies, confident in starting my career, and I had worked very hard to feel that way about myself. I used to pray daily, as a spiritual person, it was my way of connecting to myself, and I dont want to do that anymore, there doesnít feel like thereís any point.
It sounds on the surface like depression. Losing your sparkle is actually a very good way to describe it. I'd see a professional if you can. And in the meantime, exercise, eating healthy and getting a good night's sleep are where you can focus your attention.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Casio167 View Post
I have just lost myself and have no idea if itíll ever come back. I feel like Iíve let myself down by falling so deeply in love with someone who when it came to push wasnít all that bothered about me. I feel like I can no longer trust myself I suppose.
As someone else said, you have to forgive yourself and show yourself some compassion. Many of us have fallen for somebody that wasn't a good match. It can be a very good learning experience and help you get in touch with your core values.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Casio167 View Post
There is a great void and sadness in me since the break up, but it doesnít seem to be about the actual ex, but more having lost myself utterly, like part of me has died or something. I cant really make sense of it, Iím wondering if anyone has any insight or similar experiences?
Again this sounds like depression (I'm not a professional though). We are constantly changing throughout our lives; parts of us die, and new parts are born. You may have lost some of your innocence for example, but you've gained wisdom and can use this experience to gain a better understanding of yourself moving forward.
Mentor99 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Ten years ago... three days ago Craig Schwartz Second Chances 21 1st December 2016 10:15 AM
ugly break up with ex of 7 years 3 nights ago, going to see her tonight, totally lost maxy1 Breaks and Breaking Up 0 1st November 2011 1:08 PM
1 month since break, 2 weeks since full NC. Received 2 txt from her. I just want to.. dextm Breaks and Breaking Up 13 11th March 2011 3:58 PM
Need some encouragement. 2 years since break up, few months since contact health Coping 5 31st December 2010 4:02 AM
1-year since break-up 3 months since last contact... badian Second Chances 3 6th July 2007 1:10 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:32 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.