I Can't Do It Anymore

[DontBreakEven]

I've been single for a good two years now. I've been dating during that whole time, and honestly I just can't do it anymore. Tonight I had an insane OLD text encounter with someone that ended very bad (she just got totally weird and waved a ton of giant flags bringing up being raped and attacked etc within hours of talking), and the convo ended with her saying some nasty things to me when I respectfully told her I'm sorry that happened to her but I needed to end the conversation now (trust me ... the things she told me and how she brought them up in conversation screamed BPD or some other attention seeking issues).

 

Anyway. I just started bawling after. I'm just exhausted. I feel like I'm never going to find the right person for me. Bad date after bad date after bad text exchanges after mini-heartaches. It's just too much. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to arrive to the same conclusion again and again. And I'm also losing faith in humanity the more people I meet. :'(

Edited March 21, 2018 by DontBreakEven

[SevenCity]

I got to that point myself.

 

Instead of giving up, I changed my perspective. OLD to me now is just about sex with emotionally damaged women, nothing more.

 

Though, I have given up on finding a meaningful lasting relationship. I think that ship has sailed for me unfortunately (despite the many emotionally damaged women from OLD who try to get me into one).

 

It was pretty sad when I came to that realization, but the more time that passes the more I'm becoming ok with it. Moreover, I never again want to feel like I did after my ex dumped me. So I'm not sure I could ever really fall in love with a woman.

[DontBreakEven]

Well, maybe it's important to say that I'm also a woman, so 1) OLD is unfortunately the only way to really meet people since you don't just find feminine lesbians hanaging around everywhere 2) I'm really not into casual sex at all. So using it as a means of just having sex is pointless for me.

 

Idk. I was still open to love. I still want it very much, but I just don't know what to do anymore. One more conversation like that and I'll probably give up forever.

[Beachead]

Well, maybe it's important to say that I'm also a woman, so 1) OLD is unfortunately the only way to really meet people since you don't just find feminine lesbians hanaging around everywhere 2) I'm really not into casual sex at all. So using it as a means of just having sex is pointless for me.

 

Idk. I was still open to love. I still want it very much, but I just don't know what to do anymore. One more conversation like that and I'll probably give up forever.

 

I've been there.

 

I don't know if there's a remedy for it but what changed me and my attitude towards it, was the breaking point. I was done hinging my life and my self-worth on the potential love and approval of someone else. My need for that resulted in me accepting so much crap from people who should have never been in my life for as long as they did and because in that process, I damaged myself even more. It just wasn't worth it anymore and I got to a point where being alone felt better. But I didn't arrive to these thoughts suddenly. It came over time. I started thinking about it a few years ago. When my previous ex split up with me about 2 years ago, it pushed me into actually doing it but I guess I was still open to dating because I got into another relationship last year. And when a recent experience also ended tragically, that was it for me.

 

After that, I stopped the searching and caring and stopped bothering with anyone anymore. Deep down, I still long for a meaningful relationship with someone special but there's honestlly nothing I can do about it. I've given all I've had and it amounted to this. So I focus on what I can control and build my life, enjoy the good days, the bad days. I love the people who care about me. Basically, I try to appreciate what's there. If you bank your happiness on something that you have no control of like love, it could lead you to depression..possibly suicide. I've gotten to that point so I know.

 

So for you, if you don't have your life in order, maybe doing what I did may help. But if you do, perhaps what you then need is a shock to your life. A change of scenery like moving to a new city. Changing Jobs. A new routine. Something that's going to make your new life nothing like the old one. Do what scares you. If it scares you, it'll probably do you good.

 

When I reached a point of exhaustion. I basically felt like I had nothing to lose. So nothing scared me anymore. I just chucked all my fears out the window and have been going after what I want even if it seems so far fetched in the current moment.

 

- Beach

Edited March 21, 2018 by Beachead

[BaileyB]

I got to that point too.

 

This, is the moment that you know you need to take a break. Have fun, reconnect with friends, do things that you enjoy.

 

Reset.

[BaileyB]

I don't know if there's a remedy for it but what changed me and my attitude towards it, was the breaking point. I was done hinging my life and my self-worth on the potential love and approval of someone else. My need for that resulted in me accepting so much crap from people who should have never been in my life for as long as they did and because in that process, I damaged myself even more. It just wasn't worth it anymore and I got to a point where being alone felt better.

 

Oh God! This.

 

I found myself calling my best friend one morning, because I had tried to make a relationship work that was not right for me, and yet again... It didn't work. I cried through the phone call and all the way to work...

 

And, I thought - I don't want to be this person. Who is this person, who lets her self worth be defined by the fact that it didn't work out with this man... who I didn't actually even care about! I decided that I would rather be alone and happy, than miserable and on this dating roller coaster. So, I got off. And, life got better.

 

And then, I met him. BUT - I would have been very happy had I not met him. I would have been happy because I put my own happiness and self esteem first. The fact that he happened to come along brought a bonus to my life.

 

Good luck. Don't lose heart.

[Beachead]

Oh God! This.

 

I found myself calling my best friend one morning, because I had tried to make a relationship work that was not right for me, and yet again... It didn't work. I cried through the phone call and all the way to work...

 

And, I thought - I don't want to be this person. Who is this person, who lets her self worth be defined by the fact that it didn't work out with this man... who I didn't actually even care about! I decided that I would rather be alone and happy, than miserable and on this dating roller coaster. So, I got off. And, life got better.

 

And then, I met him. BUT - I would have been very happy had I not met him. I would have been happy because I put my own happiness and self esteem first. The fact that he happened to come along brought a bonus to my life.

 

Good luck. Don't lose heart.

 

Yea it comes as an epiphany when you've suffer long enough and eventually reach a point where the pain isn't worth it anymore. Where relief actually comes from being alone.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

So my ex accused me of not being trusting, and people think I'm too crazy and doubtful. Maybe it's because I see too much crap in life?

 

Prime example. This dude on online dating with a good job asks me out for drinks. I've already did a background search of him on google and Facebook. There's a picture of a kid on it so I was trying to figure out if he's divorced with kids since I don't really want to be a stepmother.

 

THEN I find out his CURRENT wife's page where she has a picture of him with their kids and a WEDDING RING a few WEEKS ago saying how happy she was with everything.

 

So - I'm glad I didn't go for drinks yet and took the time to snoop? And it wasn't obvious, I had to use my super google skills. Yeah I mean be trusting, but how was I supposed to expect some dude from online dating is MARRIED WITH KIDS?

 

The pictures make me sad. I mean obviously he is a delete and what he does to his family is none of my business. I feel very very sorry for his wife and kids. Sure I won't go for drinks with him, but he's a very successful man that I'm sure many women would, some probably even knowingly that he's married with kids.

 

I guess happy pictures only say so much?

 

And people ask me again why I'm extra vigilant and suspicious?

[fieldoflavender]

Btw the same ex who accused me of being non-trusting who lied to me about KEY financial issues during our relationship, which eventually threw me under the bus during our break-up. I'm just so glad we were never married. Always trust your gut instincts?

[DontBreakEven]

 

So for you, if you don't have your life in order, maybe doing what I did may help. But if you do, perhaps what you then need is a shock to your life. A change of scenery like moving to a new city. Changing Jobs. A new routine. Something that's going to make your new life nothing like the old one. Do what scares you. If it scares you, it'll probably do you good.

 

Already did it. Moved across the country 8 months ago for a new job. Definitely spurred by the fact that nothing scares me anymore, yes, but I guess at some point after the initial excitement wore off I realized I wanted some companionship here. It's just tough.

[Beachead]

Already did it. Moved across the country 8 months ago for a new job. Definitely spurred by the fact that nothing scares me anymore, yes, but I guess at some point after the initial excitement wore off I realized I wanted some companionship here. It's just tough.

 

I'm with you and I can tell how frustrated you are.

 

Companionship is so special. We want what we see others having. That happiness we see when they hold hands and have someone to spend their free time with. The pictures, the gifts. Someone to argue with. We want that intimacy. Those long late night conversations. Someone who cares enough about us to call as at the end of a crazy day and just remind us that we're cared for. Someone to introduce to the best people in our life. The whole works.

 

But life denied us of it when it was the only thing we wanted.

 

That's the thing about these type of feelings..sometimes the only way to make them go away is to change how we think about our life. What we want from it. What we want our purpose to be. And the most irritating part about it is it can't be about being with someone anymore because wanting that is what's killing us inside.

 

In a way, you have to deceive yourself into believing you'll be alone for the rest of your life because only then will you truly face that possible reality. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to do such a thing. But in that pain, is when you start to ask questions like.."So what do I do now? Where do I go? What am I living for? Do I even want to live? Am I worth anything? What do I want from this life? How do I get there?" And you start to rebuild yourself from the inside which is where all the emptiness is. Everything you say, do, and accomplish following this will then be for you and only you. You have to let your old self die (The person who needed someone to complete them) and come back as something different (A person who can live without that need). It'll always be there but it won't cripple.

 

I'm not sure if a person can genuinely get to this point without being fed-up but being fed up will definitely get us to this point.

 

Like BaileyB said, whether she had met her partner or not, she would have still been happy. He was just a bonus. That's where you want to be and that's where you want to get to. That's how we get through it.

 

- Beach

Edited March 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Lloyd4Christmas]

 

Companionship is so special. We want what we see others having. That happiness we see when they hold hands and have someone to spend their free time with. The pictures, the gifts. Someone to argue with. We want that intimacy. Those long late night conversations. Someone who cares enough about us to call as at the end of a crazy day and just remind us that we're cared for. Someone to introduce to the best people in our life. The whole works.

 

 

- Beach

 

 

Well said... this is what it is all about, and the hardest part of losing THAT person

[klicker]

Well, just be thankful that you can recognise the red flags. I dated two women in a row that each had some form of BPD or something similar. After the first one, I thought I was a bit more aware, but, for some reason, I ignored the red flags from the second one... And, you know how that ended,,, not well.. But, hey, I won't give up because there are a lot of great people out there and it is worth it to keep trying. I am fine being alone, but it would be really nice to have someone to share my life with. Good luck to you.

[DontBreakEven]

Well, just be thankful that you can recognise the red flags. I dated two women in a row that each had some form of BPD or something similar. After the first one, I thought I was a bit more aware, but, for some reason, I ignored the red flags from the second one... And, you know how that ended,,, not well.. But, hey, I won't give up because there are a lot of great people out there and it is worth it to keep trying. I am fine being alone, but it would be really nice to have someone to share my life with. Good luck to you.

 

Well, this one was supremely obvious. Within the first hour of texting she starting saying some weird stuff, worded like I should assume and understand what was going on, and when I got confused, she basically got annoyed and told me something to the tune of, "well ya see hun, when you've been raped and attacked and then it has to go to court because he denies it ever happened and no one believes you" ....

 

I basically cut her off there. It was out of nowhere and beyond bizarre and I politely told her that I'm sorry that happened to her, but it's a very strange thing to bring up within the first hour of texting someone.

 

To that, I got a barrage of texts telling me what a loser I was because I was "35 and can't handle that". Then she proceeded to tell me that this is why I was single, and then said my full name (I never told her my last name, so that was f*cking weird too - but honestly she had enough info to find it on the web if she really wanted to - but still). The whole thing was insane. And sadly, not shocking.

 

That one was easy to detect though. Trust me, I've also had the insidious ones. It's all a friggin mess. At this point I'd be shocked to meet someone WITHOUT these issues.

Edited March 23, 2018 by DontBreakEven

[Beachead]

I withdrew from dating because I got sick of what I was seeing out there.

 

Takes a lot of work to get to know someone.

 

Good times are nice but you won't really get to know too much about them from it. Not their character atleast. Most people are polite and kind and will be on their best behavior for you.

 

But the real stuff happens when things aren't so great. When you get ill, lose weight or your appearance changes and you aren't in the best shape. When you lose your job or have to go back to school and money becomes tight. When a love one passes away and you aren't in the best state of mind because you are grieving.

 

Takes fights, time apart, compromise, sacrifice, faith and time to truly see how serious a person is and the energy that is required to go through it all is tremendous. Feeling anger and depression over a breakup? You should. Part of you is lost forever.

 

Problem with a lot of people these days is they want the glamour of the relationship and none of the accountability/responsibility that comes with it. It's a game for them. They get into a relationship because of their perception of who the person is rather than who they are. They seem to care only about what this person or because they are lonely and afraid to grow old alone. That isn't love and it shows eventually. All at the expense of destroying someone in the process.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Beachead

[DontBreakEven]

Oh I agree, with all of that.

 

I'm just sad. I crave connection. But I'm also extremely burnt out. And I've already been destroyed multiple times in the past.

[Beachead]

Oh I agree, with all of that.

 

I'm just sad. I crave connection. But I'm also extremely burnt out. And I've already been destroyed multiple times in the past.

 

I know the feeling.

 

My advice. Don't date. You need time alone. You need to get focused on your goals that are irrespective of relationships and finding love. From now on, that is the objective. It sounds so negative but I suggest doing this:

 

Proceed on the assumption that love will never be found in this lifetime. Once you do that, you fall on the question of.."So now what do I do?"

 

Journal in a book the answers to

What makes me get up in the morning?

What are 2 things that make me smile?

Who has truly been there for me through all the bad and good (Be brutally honest).

What have I always wanted to do but never did because of...?

Where do I see myself in 1 year?

Where do I see myself in 5 years?

 

Get specific.

 

I'll share with you my answers.

 

1. Proving to myself that despite my setbacks, I was who I always knew I was capable of being. To become a success story.

2. Teaching and Gym

3. My family

4. Move to a new place.

5. Finishing my first post-grad certificate and starting the second one.

6. Finished my CPA, financially comfortable helping both my parents and myself. Comfortably living.

 

The goals are far more specific but this is just the general idea.

[sorano]

It is totally ok! I have been single for a while now. Like I said in the past threads, I am emotionally and physically exhausted dating women. The whole process is just annoying. Its a viscous redundant cycle. I honestly don't have the time or power to do it. You say the same things, do the same things, and plan the same dates. Meet the friends, family, this and that, its all the same steps. Not into it.

 

Ever since I stopped thinking about finding "the one", which is bs, I just became happier. Don;t stress it and don't over think it! Have fun. Be happy. If its meant to be, it will happen. If not, it is what it is.

 

I went out last week and spoke to 6 different women in one night at the same place. And not a care was given. I had a blast. No intentions on getting a number, getting laid, nothing. Talked ****, was myself, a proper gentleman, and thats it. I even danced with a group of 8 married women who told me they go out once a month. Girls night out away from the husband and kids. HAVE FUN!!

[vickyp]

@ dontbreakeven. Maybe you will meet someone here. You never know.

[DontBreakEven]

It's true, I never know.

 

I appreciate everyone's responses. I'm just going through a hard time. Broke up with the best love I've had so far 3 years ago, semi-mutually over geographic circumstances (I was more heartbroken than she was), and since then it's just been one bad break after another in the dating world.

 

The good thing is that I have definitely gotten to that no f*cks given point. Like I don't trip anymore if a potential stops messaging me or whatever. If it was right, it wouldn't be wrong - ya know? I've learned enough to know that.

 

It just sucks that I feel like someone coming along that's actually right for me these days, would actually shock me more than if you told me I won the Powerball.

[sorano]

join the club. You can read my old posts on here and I also gave up on women, the dating, the whole nine yards. I just dont have the energy anymore to do it. same ol cycle. same ol bs.

[CrazyKatLady]

Wow. Sorry for all the depressing adventures. I tried OLD once-- never again...but that has more to do with my personality and machines are just so cold...ya know? Rather meet warm flesh-and-blood instead.

But seriously, why is it all so negative? It might be wise to try something new and stay off the sites, perhaps? At some point, you have to master your own happiness and being a victim just doesn't ring right after so many escapades...try to be of good cheer gentlemen, meet women in the flesh and enjoy the warmth of a laugh and a smile?

[DontBreakEven]

Wow. Sorry for all the depressing adventures. I tried OLD once-- never again...but that has more to do with my personality and machines are just so cold...ya know? Rather meet warm flesh-and-blood instead.

But seriously, why is it all so negative? It might be wise to try something new and stay off the sites, perhaps? At some point, you have to master your own happiness and being a victim just doesn't ring right after so many escapades...try to be of good cheer gentlemen, meet women in the flesh and enjoy the warmth of a laugh and a smile?

 

Well, the issue is that I'm not a gentleman. I'm a woman. And I don't enjoy frequenting gay bars just to meet someone. The type of women I like wouldn't stick out in a crowd as girls who like girls. Apps really are the best way, for me.

[misspalmy]

hope your ok?

[babysacay]

Oh my goodness! Y'all are feeling the same way I am feeling recently. I have a "Days Since" app and have started tracking days since trying to date. I've recently come to the realization that LITERALLY EVERY TIME I've had romantic feelings, I have felt sad, hurt, and rejected. I'm tired of it, it's not worth it anymore. I stopped looking. But even when I stopped looking I somehow met people and those didn't work out. So I'm just going to stop giving anyone a chance for a while.