Beating myself up

[Dodevu]

Together for 7 years (17-24) and the last 3 months were rocky, we were saving a lot of money to be able to afford a mortgage and live comfortably and I promised her end of 2018 we will move out 100% and she was happy.

 

Sept 17 she had to move jobs as they went bust so she got a job where the majority of employee were her age, whereas her old job had people in 40’s etc.

 

She started meeting new people and had more friends and would constantly be on her phone, she also started going out a lot more with friends which was fine.

 

She would sometimes tell me she’s going sleep at 12am but 2 hours later still be messaging someone which made me insecure so I said something n we had an argument.

 

I said a few things saying am feeling insecure n don’t trust her n to not speak for a bit, she seemed fine about it so it worried me more.

 

I then gave in after 2 days n rang her n she said it was over, I begged etc but she blocked my number and didn’t have the decency to meet in person n end it even after 7 years.

 

I honestly thought we were different and could overcome anything, the sad thing about it is had she still of been at her old job I’m 100% sure we would still be together.

 

People keep telling me ‘people change, feelings change’ and no matter if we would of moved in earlier it wouldn’t of lasted, even though I never thought of her being easily influenced I guess she just enjoyed her new life with friends or even met someone else I will never know.

 

I’m just incredibly hurt still 3 months on, surely after 7 years I deserve closure in person rather than text? I know I have myself to blame as I did take her for granted and neglected her during the end, but I feel I deserved one last chance.

 

I cried down the phone to her and there was no emotion at all, I asked her how long has this been on your mind and she said 1-2 months, so in that case she rather wait for me to slip up and argue than let her seem the bad person, why wouldn’t she sit down n talk to me about her feelings... Honestly this is messing me up so much!

[Grumpybutfun]

The only behavior you can control is your own. When someone shows you they no longer want to invest in you, see it as closure and move forward. If you wait for immature people to be fair, you will stay stagnant. She met someone or sees a new vision of herself. That is her choice. She isn’t going to explain or give you closure because she knows she has no real reason other than selfish entitlement. Now you have a choice. You can either let her live rent free in your head, holding onto the past and the things she should have done for closing the relationship, or you can see that anyone who doesn’t invest in you is no longer worthy of you expending your energy for them.

She wasn’t kind, she wasn’t compassionate, she wasn’t mature, and there is nothing you can do to make her those things. However, you can give yourself kindness and compassion by realizing your relationship with her was just a stepping stone to get you to the woman who will invest everything to love you and share her life with you.

Best of luck,

Grumps

[Dodevu]

The only behavior you can control is your own. When someone shows you they no longer want to invest in you, see it as closure and move forward. If you wait for immature people to be fair, you will stay stagnant. She met someone or sees a new vision of herself. That is her choice. She isn’t going to explain or give you closure because she knows she has no real reason other than selfish entitlement. Now you have a choice. You can either let her live rent free in your head, holding onto the past and the things she should have done for closing the relationship, or you can see that anyone who doesn’t invest in you is no longer worthy of you expending your energy for them.

She wasn’t kind, she wasn’t compassionate, she wasn’t mature, and there is nothing you can do to make her those things. However, you can give yourself kindness and compassion by realizing your relationship with her was just a stepping stone to get you to the woman who will invest everything to love you and share her life with you.

Best of luck,

Grumps

 

Hey thanks for that, really appreciate that.

 

It's true she wasn't kind, compassionate, mature at the end... Just hurts so much how it took her 7 years to bring it out, throughout the relationship she was the complete opposite it hurts so much for her to turn on me like this, even though admittedly I did take her for granted I still don't think I deserve this treatment.

 

I'm really hoping I meet this woman very soon I am going to university in September so it will be a new chapter in my life which I am looking forward to but I must admit I would drop all that just to be back with her, hopefully that will change soon though.

[Beachead]

Together for 7 years (17-24) and the last 3 months were rocky, we were saving a lot of money to be able to afford a mortgage and live comfortably and I promised her end of 2018 we will move out 100% and she was happy.

 

Sept 17 she had to move jobs as they went bust so she got a job where the majority of employee were her age, whereas her old job had people in 40’s etc.

 

She started meeting new people and had more friends and would constantly be on her phone, she also started going out a lot more with friends which was fine.

 

She would sometimes tell me she’s going sleep at 12am but 2 hours later still be messaging someone which made me insecure so I said something n we had an argument.

 

I said a few things saying am feeling insecure n don’t trust her n to not speak for a bit, she seemed fine about it so it worried me more.

 

I then gave in after 2 days n rang her n she said it was over, I begged etc but she blocked my number and didn’t have the decency to meet in person n end it even after 7 years.

 

I honestly thought we were different and could overcome anything, the sad thing about it is had she still of been at her old job I’m 100% sure we would still be together.

 

People keep telling me ‘people change, feelings change’ and no matter if we would of moved in earlier it wouldn’t of lasted, even though I never thought of her being easily influenced I guess she just enjoyed her new life with friends or even met someone else I will never know.

 

I’m just incredibly hurt still 3 months on, surely after 7 years I deserve closure in person rather than text? I know I have myself to blame as I did take her for granted and neglected her during the end, but I feel I deserved one last chance.

 

I cried down the phone to her and there was no emotion at all, I asked her how long has this been on your mind and she said 1-2 months, so in that case she rather wait for me to slip up and argue than let her seem the bad person, why wouldn’t she sit down n talk to me about her feelings... Honestly this is messing me up so much!

 

I am truly sorry for what this woman did to you. I am also sorry to say that these kind of stories are far too common these days and I wish I would hear less of it.

 

Lets break this down..

 

When she found that new job and met a bunch of people her age, the experience opened up new ideas and opportunities for her and I bet you, this had to do with other guys..100%.

 

See the thing is, for the person who gets dumped, they feel like this just came out of nowhere. Maybe at best, they noticed a change in behavior about a month or two prior but it's largely a shock. The reality is, the person who arrived to the decision of breaking up was contemplating it for a few months, maybe several in your case being you were together for 7 years. Being in a committed relationship for so long started to make her miss the fun and freedom she used to have. Especially, attention from men. Mingling, flirting. Nothing exposed that in her more than changing jobs and meeting more people her age. At which point, she realized how trapped she felt. Felt like she couldn't breathe. She probably becamse very conscious of it in the past 2 months. And while all this was going on in her head, she was beginning to get over you and make peace with the idea of you and her not being together. By the time she arrived to the point where was strong enough to dump you, she was 80% over you. That's why it appeared so easy for her in your eyes. That's why she was cold. She had a headstart on the healing process while you were thrown into shock.

 

She's rude to you not so much because of what you did or how you behaved..but because one, she knows you were a good person to her and she hurt you and she feels guilty for it. She doesn't want to deal with her guilt or anything that reminds her of it at the moment which includes you and anything to do with you. So, she pushed it away. This is why she comes off as aggressive and cold/distant to you. It's a coping mechanism.

 

In regards to you blaming yourself? Don't. Yes, maybe you didn't handle it as idealy as you would have liked but who does when you have fallen for someone. We all get a little crazy when things get a bit iffy. We've given these people the power to literally destroy us. It's normal. She should have understood that and been respectful of your feelings but because she wasn't in it emotionally anymore, she didn't. She had one foot out the door already and was looking for a way out If she had stayed in her old job, sure, you two would have survived a bit longer but then something else or someone else would have pulled her away from you and by then, you would have been in far deeper with her than now. That outcome was ALWAYS coming.

 

So if there is any comfort you can take from this, know you did your best and there was nothing else you could have done to stop it from happening.

 

We can't fault someone for choosing to leave but I can certainly fault her for handling the breakup and your feelings in an extremely disrespectul and terrible was. This is on her.

 

So what do you do now?

 

Don't contact her. You concentrate on healing yourself. It's going to be a journey for you. I suggest blocking her off of all social media. Write her number down on a peace of paper and tuck away somewhere and delete from your phone also. You dont' want to see any social media updates that have anything to do with her because it will hurt you. Right now, this is about you getting your head right and returning to a spot where you can live your life without her. Learn how to smile again without her in your life. This will take a long time as you will have to process the pain and work through your grieving cycle. Allow plenty of time for it, be patient and forgive yourself for that.

 

7 years worth of memories and experiences cannot be erased so quickly. So in your case, she will eventually begin to wonder what you are up to and will likely(Not guaranteed) contact you again when she hasn't heard from you. It won't be anytime soon, simply because she is currently out enjoying her life doing what she's been wanting to do for a long time. She is in the honeymoon phase. There is also a chance she won't.

 

In conclusion, her coming back is uncertain and you cannot bank your healing and happiness on uncertainty. As of right now, you have to proceed on the assumption that you will never hear from her again and that it's over. If she does come back, I would seriously question if you want her back. She showed the way she could treat you once..she might do it again.

 

The silence will do a lot more work for you than you contacting her and begging ever could do. But do not do this in attempts to manipulate her to come back. Don't do this for her at all. Do this for yourself.

 

-Beach

Edited March 10, 2018 by Beachead