Might be becoming depressed

[jparmyguy]

So, today I bumped into my ex girlfriend(first love). The encounter was sort of awkward. I was standing outside my work smoking a cigarette and she happened to be parked in the car out in the parking lot next to me. She saw me and I was looking down at my phone, the minute she saw me she crossed the street and got on her phone. Only to later cross the street back over to my side. She didn't acknoledge me and I didn't acknowledge her.

 

This was my first time seeing her in a few months. We had a bad breakup and not really the healthiest of relationships. I took the breakup really bad as I got dumped over text and was not actually expecting it as we had ups and downs. And would manage to work through it some way or another.

 

Anyways, seeing her kinda made me sad and realizing how we are complete strangers to each other now. For the first time in a while I started playing memories again. Not the bad ones but the happy ones and rembering how happy I use to be in highschool and when I met her.

 

Life really has not gone in my favor at all since this break up. I have lost many friends that I use to have all at the fault of my own because she was the only one I really socialized with over the few years I dated her. After my breakup I tried meeting new people and making new friends. It shot back in my face as some the people I brought in ended up becoming trouble. At the 6 month mark I tried online dating and it went no where could not get one date after trying multiple apps. This kind of made me sorta depressed as I know I'm not the most attractive person and the fact that every girl I have been involved with has had some feelings for another guy while being involved with me.

 

Regardless, seeing her in a way kinda made me jealous. She an extremely attractive girl so when we broke up guys began "hitting" her up left and right. I found out that she had started sleeping around after me which in a way hurt but I was not mad for that. She ended up making a whole new group of friends and in a way I felt bad because I guess I held her back when I was with her.

 

She moved on fairly quickly from me as she was the one who ended it and was probably thinking about it longer than she admitted to me when she broke up with me. I understand why it needed to end but I guess for longest time I still really loved her for about 6 months.

 

Regardless, of all the stuff I went through with her I latched on pretty hard because she was the only girl who ever reciprocated any feelings. Part of me was afraid of never finding that again so I stuck through no matter how miserable it was at times.

 

Anyways, seeing her be successful makes me happy for her but at the same time makes me feel down about myself. I keep playing in my head how her family would say that she could do so much better than me and how 6 months into the relationship she tried leaving me for someone else. I also have been thinking abiut how the girl i was into before her who i had dated for a few months ended up banging a kid on the side while i was with her. I recently deleted all the online dating stuff as I have had no luck whatsoever.

 

Part of me feel like giving up on ever trying to pursue a realtionship again. I really do not have many options as I am constantly rejected. I also sorta afraid of becoming a second option for a third time.

 

To end this, I sorta don't know what to do with myself. I have very few friends left and have had a bad year. I go to a community college so it's hard to make new friends. I am starting to get pretty sad which is something I didn't think would happen to me but it is. I don't know if any of you can relate.

[basil67]

Have you tried restarting things with your old friends? Reaching out to them with an apology would be a good start.

[jparmyguy]

Have you tried restarting things with your old friends? Reaching out to them with an apology would be a good start.

 

Yeah, I did try that twice and had actually planned to meet up both times, but it fell through. So as of right now I have like 3 friends however the two that are close by don't do anything. One of them is dating my ex girlfriend best friend and he is attached to the hip and won't hangout unless she oks it. The other one works a lot. My friend who lives far away does do stuff but however it takes 2 hr to drive and meet him. It kinda sucks right now being 21.