Another Break Up Story

[StormyEyes]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months. I tried to keep it amicable as I always thought he was a good guy but it was becomming more obvious that we weren't a good fit and it was time to end it. He had been living with me in my house for about a year which I never wanted but let happen because I didn't say no (I am bad at speaking up and setting boundaries sometimes).

 

He was very hurt and angry when I told him it was over. Amicable went out the window. He sent me (and my sister) bitter, nasty text messages about what a terrible person I am. He posted all over his social media about what an awful person I am. I chose not to respond to him as I learned from previous arguments that it is one of those damned if I do, damned if I don't things. If I respond, he doesn't stop until he feels he has won. If I don't, I am told I don't/never did care about him. I figured not caring was a better choice.

 

And then he was gone. I didn't hear from him for about a week so I sent him a message telling him I assumed he had moved out and that I packed all of his things so he could pick them up as soon as possible. He finally responded telling me he'd gone home to attend a funeral and ended up staying longer. I told him that was fine, but when he got back he needed to get his things. He said he would need some time. As the state we live in favors tenant rights (regardless if they have ever paid rent or not) I said sure, you can have a month. Suddenly he became much nicer.

 

He returned from his trip home and came back to my house. I was confused but the law is the law and I didn't want things to get any worse. I tried to go back to being amicable, but it was hard. I made it a few weeks but then a friend discovered "her". Apparently he had been carrying on with someone else from his home state for months prior to our break up. At that point, I didn't care about that so much as I did about his constant lying and clear manipulation of the situation and my kindness. I ended up calling him out on it, totally lost my cool and told him the 30 days was up and to get out of my house. He left.

 

So now he is gone and I am happy about that. But his stuff is still in my garage and the side of my house is a mess with all of his car parts he never bothered to clean up. I cringe every time I see it all. I emailed him (I've been blocked from other means of communication) asking when he was going to come get it, he didn't answer but instead took the opportunity to tell me once again how terrible I am and that I should just throw it all away as I always do what I want to do anyway. I have no desire to throw his things away. It isn't my job to clean up after him anymore.

 

Three days ago he emailed me asking me to leave a cutting board he'd made for me outside so he could pick it up. I said sure and put it outside. He still hasn't picked it up. I think he was just trying to hurt me. My friends tell me he is still going off on me all over his social media (I don't look and asked them not to either) despite being in a committed relationship with his new girlfriend. It is all so ridiculous.

 

How do you deal with this kind of garbage? I know I am not a terrible, mean person. Why is he behaving like this? He has the new girl, why continue to make me out to be the devil? He's insinuated I cheated on him (not true) and manipulated him (I can't for the life of me figure out what I manipulated him in to). I am so much happier now, but seeing his stuff drags me down.

[CommittedToThis]

Hi StormyEyes,

 

Why is he behaving like this?

 

He is behaving like a person with textbook narcissistic personality disorder: the smear campaign, the cheating, the anger issues, all of it. I'd bet he's had a rough upbringing and perhaps you, too.

 

You sound empathetic and therefore you attract these types. Trust me on this. In you, they see everything they lack. You are not there to be loved, you are there to fill the emptiness they feel inside.

 

What they do is idealize you, then devalue you, then discard you in an endless cycle in order to justify their behaviors, which as you know are unacceptable. They will deliberately provoke you to anger so they can say to themselves, "So and so is angry and being mean to me so that means I get to go sleep with someone else."

 

Months and years of this emotional up and down actually re-wires your brain to accept and expect this kind of madness. That's why breaking up with a narcissist is so hard, it's like quitting smoking, your brain needs time to adjust to a calm and normal existence.

 

How do you deal with this kind of garbage?

 

By going 100% no contact. Block everything. Never respond. Tell him to get his stuff by Friday otherwise hire someone to remove it and discard it all.

 

When and if you *have* to communicate, keep your demeanor unemotional and cold, it's called going "gray rock."

 

Mainly it's all about cutting off any and all contact with the guy because trust me, he will keep re-appearing in your life until he understands you are serious.

 

You were a supply of attention for him; it's time to deny that supply. Give it to yourself instead, and learn the red flags of personality disorders. Google it. Once you learn the red flags these types are laughably transparent and therefore easily avoidable, you can move forward with confidence.

 

You are on a good path by admitting you have boundary issues so work on those! Put yourself first always. Love yourself. You got this.