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Seriously, it's been 10 months and I still suffer for my ex...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 27th January 2018, 12:34 PM   #1
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Seriously, it's been 10 months and I still suffer for my ex...

Hello all,

Thanks for reading.

My ex and I broke up about 10 months ago. He was living here in my country, but he didn’t have a job or any solid projects here. Due to his situation he decided to go back to his country, because he couldn’t live out of his parents any longer.

This decision made everything very sad between us. During our last month together we were sad, angry and tense with each other. At first these news were shocking for me, but after a few days I proved to be very supportive and willing to make everything work in the distance temporarily until we found a solution (we both live in Europe). But this wasn’t enough to stop the fighting those last weeks. He didn’t seem excited to be around me anymore; he seemed very sad and stressed for everything.

The break up was extremely weird. It all happened in about 15 minutes. I told him that I was suffering too much from seeing him so distant and cold those last days, and that I needed him to make a bigger effort to make it work between us, but his words were “I don’t have the energy anymore”. So we broke up, and a few days later he left. I never saw him again.

I blocked him from everywhere on the social networks back then, and I have to be honest: A part of me did it in order to recover, but the other part of me did it to catch his attention. However, I never got anything from him. I was suffering for too long, and I still do.

I never got in touch with him after, because he was the one who didn’t want to make it work anymore. At some point I had to respect his decision and not to put pressure on someone who didn’t want me in his new life.

The thing is, I still suffer, I do. Every day. This break up happened in April 2017. I was so broken that I unblocked him after a while with the intention to open a gate again between us, and so far I’ve been able to see that he’s still in his country. I’m sure he realized that I unblocked him (we have dozens of friends in common).

Everything was very confusing because I was never 100% convinced that he didn’t love me anymore. I know I have idealized him and the relationship, but I don’t know what to do. We did have a beautiful relationship where we supported and took care of each other.

When 2018 started I decided to block him completely again, but this time for myself to recover for real. But still kills me that he doesn’t want to know about me at all. I know that he’s an “ex” and that he doesn’t have to, but this is how I feel. To me it was so shocking the fact that someone who seemed to love me with every inch of his heart just cut me out of his life like that.

I don’t know what to do, really. I am in therapy with a psychologist, but still I can’t forget. I do things for myself; sports, activities, I work a lot, but nothing. Still every time I hear the phone I wish that it is him, but I know it’s never going to happen at all. He left for good and I don’t seem capable to accept it.

Sorry for such long post, but I need help. I still wonder why, and I still ask myself if he remembers me everyday as I remember him. I wonder if he ever waited for me to contact him and if this was just a stupid misunderstanding, but when I am able to think clearly, I know it is a trick of my mind. I just need to move on and the problem is that on the contrary I don't seem to want to, but I need to. I can't be like this anymore.

Please, any advice? Thank you

Last edited by YosoYella; 27th January 2018 at 12:37 PM..
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:00 PM   #2
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Short suggestion, unfriend him on fb, not just block. otherwise, you will always expect a day you can unblock him.
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:09 PM   #3
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Short suggestion, unfriend him on fb, not just block. otherwise, you will always expect a day you can unblock him.
When you block someone on Facebook it automatically unfriends him/her.
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Old 28th January 2018, 7:03 PM   #4
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Hey OP,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm about 6 months into my current breakup and I still miss my ex at times.

I believe the key to your healing lies in either 2 things:

1. Understanding why your break up happened
2. Breaking No Contact to remind yourself why it ended.

Everyone on here and me usually advise against the latter because nothing ever good comes out of it but having said that, rules are not set in stone and are subject to exceptions depending on individual conditions. I don't believe he will return to you but I do believe it will give you some form of closure and so I would consider it as a resort.

But before you consider that, try number 1 first.

It's possible the lack of job positions in the country and being fed up of living at home made him feel like he was unable to take care of you and thus an unsuitable boyfriend. We often struggle with this as men. It brings on insecurity and his diminishing confidence and ego may have gotten the better of him.

Furthermore, it's also possible that the realization that he would need to move out of the country to find work and begin a Long Distance Relationship with you with his life on uncertain grounds was not his cup of tea.

In the end, whatever it was that ended you two had more to do with him than your quality as a girlfriend.

What do you believe contributed to the end of the relationship?
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Old 29th January 2018, 3:32 AM   #5
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Hello OP, similar stories in here. My ex-fiancť who moved continents to be with me ended up in my country and was working remotely and we were planning for our wedding and future plans. We had a fight like you in 15 minutes, he took all of his stuff and left back to his country. 2 weeks later he told me that he cant do this anymore it is so tough and hard. It's been 8 months since this happened and I still feel the pain till now. In addition to that i still cant believe he did that, i always felt safe with him, like i finally found the one but this guy broke my heart and i cant seem to get over it.

Anyway, what I am trying to saying here that you re not the only one. There is no time limit to heal from a breakup, for some people, they can get over their ex in weeks, and others it might take them years. It is okay to feel the pain and to suffer, but please be sure that this is not gonna last forever. Keep doing what you are doing, keep yourself busy, love yourself more, travel, focus on your work, work out, learn smth new, cook. I promise everything will get better in time.
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:19 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
Hey OP,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm about 6 months into my current breakup and I still miss my ex at times.

I believe the key to your healing lies in either 2 things:

1. Understanding why your break up happened
2. Breaking No Contact to remind yourself why it ended.

Everyone on here and me usually advise against the latter because nothing ever good comes out of it but having said that, rules are not set in stone and are subject to exceptions depending on individual conditions. I don't believe he will return to you but I do believe it will give you some form of closure and so I would consider it as a resort.

But before you consider that, try number 1 first.

It's possible the lack of job positions in the country and being fed up of living at home made him feel like he was unable to take care of you and thus an unsuitable boyfriend. We often struggle with this as men. It brings on insecurity and his diminishing confidence and ego may have gotten the better of him.

Furthermore, it's also possible that the realization that he would need to move out of the country to find work and begin a Long Distance Relationship with you with his life on uncertain grounds was not his cup of tea.

In the end, whatever it was that ended you two had more to do with him than your quality as a girlfriend.

What do you believe contributed to the end of the relationship?
Thank you very much for your response.

I have tried very hard to understand the reasons why. I usually analyze every event in my life, maybe too much (and thatís a problem). But even if I am able to see the reasons why it ended, I still canít seem to understand that a person who loved me could go away. So the conclusion to that is that maybe he didnít love me as much as I thought, but I swear I could say that he had never loved anybody as much as he loved me. So this is what I canít assimilate.

To me thereís no distance where thereís love. So this is another reason why I think his love wasnít as strong as mine for him, even if I was 100% convinced that I was the love of his life (so far) because he proved to me. Iím not a kid and I have been in other relationships. This was something good, it really was.

I think what contributed to end the relationship was the stress surrounding it. He was completely blocked, while I was working very hard. During our time together, we had a few fights about this. I was always supportive and even searching for jobs for him, but most of the time he didnít do his bit to find his way. He was waking up late and took about a month to send only one CV. This was probably a product of his mental block.

When he decided to buy the ticket to leave, I was cold for a few days, as if I was trying somehow to make him feel guilty without telling him. I know this is not good. When I changed my attitude to good he changed it to bad. Then he was the cold one and I was suffering too much for this.

I know that for what Iím telling here, the ending of the relationship was not healthy at all. We were passing the fireball to the other, maybe because of the pain for the situation, I donít know. Still, what remains in me is the whole relationship and not just the last month.

I donít think I will contact him, because if he didnít do it I guess itís because he decided to forget about it all as if nothing ever happened between us. He was the one who left and I already tried to make him change his mind.
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:26 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by toomanyquestions123 View Post
Hello OP, similar stories in here. My ex-fiancť who moved continents to be with me ended up in my country and was working remotely and we were planning for our wedding and future plans. We had a fight like you in 15 minutes, he took all of his stuff and left back to his country. 2 weeks later he told me that he cant do this anymore it is so tough and hard. It's been 8 months since this happened and I still feel the pain till now. In addition to that i still cant believe he did that, i always felt safe with him, like i finally found the one but this guy broke my heart and i cant seem to get over it.

Anyway, what I am trying to saying here that you re not the only one. There is no time limit to heal from a breakup, for some people, they can get over their ex in weeks, and others it might take them years. It is okay to feel the pain and to suffer, but please be sure that this is not gonna last forever. Keep doing what you are doing, keep yourself busy, love yourself more, travel, focus on your work, work out, learn smth new, cook. I promise everything will get better in time.
I hope you're right, cause sometimes I feel like this pain is never going to end

I can't believe what your ex did to you. The problem is that they seem to love you more than they never loved anybody, and suddenly they can leave just like that.

They probably had been already thinking about ending it but never externalized it... And in the case of your ex, nobody takes the decision to leave a country in 15 minutes. He had been probably planning it by himself.

I had never suffered as much as I have suffered this past months. I know it's time to heal, but when it seems that I'm much better, then I come back to the pain of not being with him anymore...
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:30 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by YosoYella View Post
Thank you very much for your response.

I have tried very hard to understand the reasons why. I usually analyze every event in my life, maybe too much (and that’s a problem). But even if I am able to see the reasons why it ended, I still can’t seem to understand that a person who loved me could go away. So the conclusion to that is that maybe he didn’t love me as much as I thought, but I swear I could say that he had never loved anybody as much as he loved me. So this is what I can’t assimilate.

To me there’s no distance where there’s love. So this is another reason why I think his love wasn’t as strong as mine for him, even if I was 100% convinced that I was the love of his life (so far) because he proved to me. I’m not a kid and I have been in other relationships. This was something good, it really was.

I think what contributed to end the relationship was the stress surrounding it. He was completely blocked, while I was working very hard. During our time together, we had a few fights about this. I was always supportive and even searching for jobs for him, but most of the time he didn’t do his bit to find his way. He was waking up late and took about a month to send only one CV. This was probably a product of his mental block.

When he decided to buy the ticket to leave, I was cold for a few days, as if I was trying somehow to make him feel guilty without telling him. I know this is not good. When I changed my attitude to good he changed it to bad. Then he was the cold one and I was suffering too much for this.

I know that for what I’m telling here, the ending of the relationship was not healthy at all. We were passing the fireball to the other, maybe because of the pain for the situation, I don’t know. Still, what remains in me is the whole relationship and not just the last month.

I don’t think I will contact him, because if he didn’t do it I guess it’s because he decided to forget about it all as if nothing ever happened between us. He was the one who left and I already tried to make him change his mind.

Some people will disagree with me but I prefer to evaluate things like this because when it comes to dealing with heartbreak and moving forward, embracing the grey can leave us stuck emotionally, dwelling in the past.

Love is variable and transforming and changing in intensity all the time so lets forget about that. Lets look at the actions instead because in the end, that's all that matters when it comes to this stuff.

You're hurting over who you wanted him to be rather than who he actually was. Life is always going to be complicated and full of adversity. When two people are together and want to be with one another, they get through the adversity together. They fight for one another. They are a team. There is always one more solution they will find to the problems they share with their partner because they won't quit.

When they don't want to be with the other person, they end up finding reasons for why it should end instead. They get into the business of everything that is wrong or negative about the relationship. Anything their partner does becomes either wrong or irritating and suddenly the relationship feels like a prison instead of an open blue sky. Decisions to break up don't happen overnight but rather over a period of time. He may have been lying to himself about certain things and eventually got tired of pretending and arrived to his conclusion. Sometimes even when a person knows they should end it, they feel guilty or bad for those feelings and try to make it work. But because their heart and mind are not in line, they experience a disconnect in themselves and this translates into distance.

It doesn't matter how he felt or what he was going through at the time, when things got tough, he left. He broke your heart and has not contacted you since because he sees no future and does not want to make it work. This occurred despite you giving your best efforts. So in the end, although the relatonship had it's great moments, there were holes and problems which you may have or hadn't noticed.

Last edited by Beachead; 29th January 2018 at 9:24 PM..
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